Takes

The Celtics will sweep the rest of the playoffs through the Eastern Conference Finals

We're the Boston Celtics. We're gonna beat the fuck out of 'em the next game. Beat the fuck out of 'em again. Beat the fuck out of 'em again. And then the Pacers and Knicks are both gonna be dead by the time they come to us. That's a clean sweep, clean sweep.

The Washington Huskies will win the National Championship

I'm going to give you [a future bet] and I want you to go put whatever you want to put on it. On the Washington Huskies. Michael Penix is legit. I think their schedule is very favorable. They're going to score 40 on everybody. This is the most wide open season we've ever seen in college football.

Jordan Poole will average 35 points a game for the Wizards while they win zero games

Getting Jordan Poole on your team to be the man and like, 'Hey Jordan Poole, we're giving you the keys to the car.' These Wizards are gonna go as far as Jordan Poole will take them and Jordan Poole's gonna average 35 points a game and they're gonna win like zero games next year. It's gonna be beautifully bad basketball to watch.

Chat GPT is going to replace everything

There's this new program called Chat GPT. ... this thing can basically write blogs. ... this thing's gonna replace everything. ... I'm definitely gonna be using this because, yeah, it's just insane.

The Packers franchise is crumbling

Aaron Rogers hates his wide receivers. He hates them... I'm living in the moment and this moment is very fun. The bears are, want to know the Packers are on one and that franchise is crumbling.

I am the Neil Armstrong of Pac-Man

What's absolutely gorgeous about [the perfect Pac-Man score] is other people can do it. Friends can play, we can learn. We can teach. We can have fun. They can do it. But they're simply repeating what I already did. Right. There's only one man who stepped on the moon first... so it's fun being Neil Armstrong.

Travis Hunter will not be the only five-star recruit to join an HBCU

I liked it as well stated. And I don't think he's [Travis Hunter] going to be by himself. I'm just telling you that he's not going to be alone. I promise you. He is not going to be alone. You're going to hear about that real soon.

Coach K is currently coaching for his job and legacy

I think that their [Duke's] players are so good that Coach K would be on the hot seat if he didn't win a title with these players. He is coaching for his job. We need to update that as the year goes on because if Coach K does not win a title with this extremely talented team, this would go down as the worst job coaching that he ever did in his entire life.

Cade Cunningham's veganism is a major red flag for his NBA durability

I am concerned with Cade Cunningham though... it's because he's vegan. If you're a vegan going into the NBA, Jalen Green's 180 pounds, he will probably be able to put on another like 20. And Cade Cunningham's probably gonna lose weight over the course of his career. You can't trust a man made of the plant proteins. That's his durability and his mentality.

Tortoises have no natural lifetime and never die of old age

Tortoises have no natural lifetime. Only be killed by other things. They never die of old age... if you left a tortoise alone and kept like forever, right.

If the Sixers lose the series in six games, the franchise should consider blowing up 'The Process'

Right now, if the Sixers lose this series in six, hope is gone. Hope is out the window. I would be firing up the trade machine and seeing how many picks you can get for Joel Embiid and Ben Simmons to just restart the process.

I will 'wipe Jose Canseco off the face of the earth' and force him to retire from public life

If I beat up Jose Canseco and he loses his fight, I don't see how he can even show his face in public again. So I'm literally wiping him off the face of the earth. We're never going to hear from him again.

Cody Parkey will miss a big kick in a playoff game and ruin the Browns' season

Cody Parkey will fuck you in the face. If the Browns make the playoffs, there is no sure bet in the entire world, then Cody Parkey doing this to the Browns. Cody Parkey will miss the big kick in a playoff game for the Browns and the Browns we'll have no one to blame, but themselves because everyone has alerted you.

The Steelers should lose to the Washington Football Team to reset their season

So that means that they should lose this game against the Washington football team. I actually think that they should try to lose a game just so that everyone can be down on them and then they can come back and be like, fuck you, revenge tour in the playoffs.

Bats can predict the future using echolocation

Bats can actually see into the future because they predict where the inset... They've gotten so good at using echolocation, they can predict where an insect is going by processing the spatial information... So they can predict the future.

Mark Jackson deserves more credit than Steve Kerr for the Warriors dynasty

Mark Jackson built that coach over there. Mark Jackson is on record calling the Splash Brothers the Splash Brothers. He's on record talking noise saying 'I got the best two shooters in the world.' Steve Kerr just happened to see the stroke go right.

LeBron James will fake an injury and tank his first season with the Lakers to wait for Kawhi Leonard

I think LeBron, this is going to be a year... and then LeBron is going to do his first year where he fakes an injury. Pretty much broken hand. tanks, and then comes back. Saves it all up. That's why they signed Lance Stevenson... he just stacked the team with a bunch of guys who aren't really going to do anything, and LeBron can sit out for a year.

Kansas and Arizona are the two schools most at risk in the FBI scandal

The FBI scandal, the thing that no one talks about is I think Kansas and Arizona are the two schools most at risk, but your boys down at Duke, I'd be nervous if I were them because Jeff Capel kind of buddies with those with these dudes that are implicated in the FBI.

Doug Peterson is a quarterback whisperer and the real reason Carson Wentz was successful

I think that Carson Wentz is not as good as people think he is. And it's actually Doug Peterson is a QB whisperer. Because he's had enough time now, and Nick Foles looked... He was doing everything that Carson Wentz had done earlier in the year in that game against the Vikings. And I think it's not an aberration.

Papa John and Jerry Jones are conspiring to get Roger Goodell fired

Papa John is running the NFL... He wants to get Roger Goodell fired... Jerry Jones is the leading franchise owner of Papa John's Pizzas... he's teaming up with Papa John to go after Goodell... trying to convince other sponsors to take money away from the NFL, therefore sinking Roger Goodell as commissioner.

Kanye West has a real shot to win the presidency in 2020

I think Donald Trump winning 2016, Kanye has a shot in 2020. I mean, people like him a lot more than they like Donald Trump and Donald Trump won the landslide.

Zack Hample is a 100% liar regarding how he obtained his Fort Bragg ticket

I decided to tell the truth and call out the liar and his friends and his family. ... [Zack Hample] is [a liar] absolutely, positively, 100%. And I've given him an opportunity to come clean, and like say, I'm sorry, you know, I made a mistake... He needs to say it because in about a couple of hours, he's going to be proven to be a 100% liar.

Wins are like eggs inside of a woman; once you use too many of them, they're gone

I always like to say that wins are like eggs inside of a woman. And once you use too many of them, they're gone and you can't get fertility treatments. Like push-ups, ovums, that type of thing.