Takes

Aqib Talib can extend his career by seven years by capitalizing on his shooting incident

Tlaib may have just extended his career by like seven years. Because now he can get that really sappy E30 with Jeremy Schaap... A second chance is worth like two more contracts. So smart move on Tlaib's part, getting shot, because now he gets like an opportunity to prove himself again.

LeBron James will have to move cities or fire his team if the Cavs lose the Finals

It looks like LeBron [James] is going to either have to move cities again or fire his whole team.

Wins are like eggs inside of a woman; once you use too many of them, they're gone

I always like to say that wins are like eggs inside of a woman. And once you use too many of them, they're gone and you can't get fertility treatments. Like push-ups, ovums, that type of thing.

The 2022 World Cup Final will be Argentina vs. Spain

I'm going to go Argentina-Spain [for the 2022 Men's World Cup].

The 2016 Cubs are the best team in MLB history and will sweep the World Series

I think this might be the best baseball team in the history of Major League Baseball, and I think that there's no chance that anything bad could happen to them this year. Like, they're going to cruise. I think it's going to be four-game sweep in the World Series.

London beer is served at room temperature except for Guinness

If you do go to London... they don't serve cold beer. It's all room temperature. So actually they have ice cold Guinness so hopefully you like Guinness. It's the only time I think I ever drink Guinness when I go to London.

Heidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Challenge

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Water Challenge. ... If you just challenge and no one accepts it, then it never works. ... Feidelberg and I were the only ones who did it right away. We started the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Sudden Breaking News will be running faster than any other horse at the finish line

There's a horse... his name is Sudden Breaking News. I promise you, he may not win, he may not finish second, he may not finish third. But when the horses cross the finish line, he'll be running faster than any horse in the race.

The Eagles deserve a C+ for their 2016 draft because they didn't move up for a wide receiver

If I had to give the Eagles a draft grade, I would give them a solid C+. Why? Because I strongly feel like even though they traded their picks up and they drafted Carson Wentz, who I think's a fucking G, I feel like they could have made a move and traded up to get into the second round and get a wide receiver.

Carson Wentz's corny Twitter presence is a major red flag

You got to watch out for guys like this who are just like a little too corny on Twitter. It's like the – it's like – what's it called? Draft Day. Great movie, by the way. What's he hiding?

Ice is the great equalizer that allows for upsets in the NHL

It's because ice is the great equalizer. That's the X factor right there. Anytime you get people on slippery substances, you open the door for a big upset, which is why I love the NHL.

I have become a whiz at the computer recently

I've become a wizard at the computer. I really have. I turn it on. I can shut it off. I did something because I'm up at five o'clock in the morning and I bet neither one of you would realize that I have Wi-Fi in this condo.

Janet Jackson is selfish for canceling her tour to have a family

She cancels her fucking show because she says she wants to have a family, and she wants to concentrate on that with her husband. ... Selfish. She cancels her show for some dick. ... Not only did she cancel her show, she didn't refund her fans the tickets that they bought.

Indiana winning the Big Ten was a nightmare because it saved Tom Crean's job

This was my nightmare as an Indiana fan... now they're probably going to lose to Kentucky in the second round... And then people that like Crean are going to say, Oh, but they lost to the final four Kentucky team... It's a weird position to be in when you're kind of cheering for them to lose. So that way you just fire Tom Crean.

Oregon is the weakest 1-seed but has an easy path thanks to Duke being in their bracket

Oregon's definitely the weakest one seed, but then you've got to look at their bracket. Because they were blessed to have Duke in their bracket, the committee always gives Duke the easy ride. By proxy, Oregon also got the easy ride.

The Cleveland Browns are smarter to do nothing in free agency than to fail spectacularly again

I think the Browns are just playing the game where they fucked up so bad in the past and everything that they've done that not doing anything is actually a smarter move than trying to do something and failing because you can't stay still. You're going to piss off your fans for about six months if you don't do anything in free agency. But a fan's not going to remember that like a year from now.

Brock Osweiler is too tall and will trip a lot in the NFL

Brock Osweiler. He's like six, eight. He's crazy tall, too tall. I feel like he's going to trip a lot in the NFL. Is that crazy?

If John Skipper couldn't get the Chargers to move to L.A., he won't be able to stop our podcast

[John Skipper] is the guy that couldn't even get the Chargers to move up to L.A. I don't think that he's going to be able to get our podcast up there.

The Raiders will get good and then immediately move to L.A., totally screwing over the city of Oakland

I think what's what's going to happen is you're going to see the Raiders get really good. or start to get good and then move to L.A. right as they get good and totally screw over the city of Oakland... you can see the Raiders make some noise out in the West and then immediately move to L.A.

Derrick Rose is in a permanent state of being so hurt that he's actually injured

With Derrick Rose. I, I say he is injured by a thousand hertz. Like he's gotten hurt so many times that it's all like just one big injury for him right now at this point. His body is just in a permanent state of being so hurt that it's injured... His mind, body and soul.