Takes

Michael Jordan is the absolute definition of a 'winner', despite his flaws as an owner

Michael Jordan is not a loser... he is the definition of the word winner? Yes. Yeah, I would say so in like sees synonymous with winner more probably any athlete.

If you don't believe aliens exist, you are an idiot

if you don't think that aliens exist your fucking moron. What does it like that seems like such an obvious thing. I guess. He's more passionate about it, but I would say the people who are like, oh, yeah, there's no aliens there there the idiots.

The first blast of air conditioning on a super hot day is a top-tier life victory

the first first time you step inside and feel that blast of air conditioning on a super hot day... it just it feels like heaven just had on washes over you.

There is a specific feeling of being in a movie when the perfect song hits at the right time

When you have the perfect song Come On whether it be in the car or when you're walking and you feel like you're in a movie... when that perfect song hits for your mood for the weather for everything and it just feels like you are in the middle of your own movie.

Dennis Rodman is a role model for finding a niche and becoming the best at it

I actually do think that Dennis Rodman is role model in a weird way in that if you can figure out something that you're the best at, it doesn't matter what weird little niche category it is in life. If there's one thing that you're better than everybody else that are more focused on, steer into that and get well really, really good at that and be known as the best to ever do that and you will be extremely successful.

Michael Jordan's switch-hand layup against the Lakers was completely unnecessary

The layup that Michael Jordan had in the finals against the Lakers where he jumps in the air and switches hands—completely unnecessary to do that. It's a cool-looking highlight, he didn't need to do that. You could have just done a finger roll with his right hand; he switched to his left hand because it looked cool.

I am 'Team J' in the Jay Cutler and Kristin Cavallari divorce

I'm team J. I don't know anything, I literally don't know anything, but I'm team J. ... That's my quarterback. Frat bros gotta stick together... I am team J forever and always unless noted he gets arrested for a felony.

The gap between Tua Tagovailoa and Justin Herbert is massive.

The smoke of Justin Herbert jumping Tua [Tagovailoa] was making me so mad because Tua is so much better than Justin Herbert. No offense, Justin Herbert. He might end up being good but Tua is control good and the gap between Joe Burrow and Tua is miniscule. The gap between Tua and Justin Herbert is massive.

Mike McCarthy always looks like he's having an allergic reaction to shellfish.

Mike McCarthy always looks like he's having a reaction to shellfish. Yeah, it's like swelling up a little bit. Yes, a little like but got stung by maybe like three or four bees.

Dasani is the worst bottled water in the world.

My first one I'm going to go straight forward and say Dasani. Dasani water is trash, all of it, it's the world's worst water. It just tastes like shit.

I'm afraid of being the person walking past a musician in a viral video

My first one is being in a viral video of musicians on the subway... every time I see a musician in the subway, I'll just stand there for at least like 30 seconds. Just so I'm not one of the people in the video where it's like look at this guy, Paul McCartney playing and you just went right by.

I'm afraid the entire world is just a Matrix simulation

I'm afraid that this entire world like us sitting here right now is just an imagination of one huge species... every now and then I'm like, we're definitely in The Matrix and none of this is real. None of it. The last year has been very strong evidence.

Jerry Krause deserves credit for the Bulls dynasty but his ego was a detriment

Krauss deserved more credit than he got but wanted more credit than he deserved. So he's constantly stuck in that spot where he is like I should be getting more credit and he probably in a weird way should but he wanted so much credit that it then became a detriment and a galvanizing force for those Bulls teams to be like, fuck you dude.

Anchovies are actually delicious and only hated because of Ninja Turtles propaganda

Anchovies are not that bad. They only get a bad rap because of cartoons. You were told from a young age [by] the Ninja Turtles... That's actually not at all what anchovies are. They are delicious. They just taste like salt... There's been a tremendous propaganda effort against anchovies and sardines for most of my adult life.

Animal style fries at In-N-Out are wildly overrated

Animal style sauce on fries at In-N-Out. I think it's wildly overrated. I really do. Animal sauce on the burger... that adds something. Animal sauce on fries just becomes disgusting and you're like what are we doing eating a bunch of soggy fries? It's a cool hipster thing to do.

Ketchup is a disgusting mask for people with bad taste

Ketchup period. Ketchup is disgusting. Anyone who jumps—it's a mask. It's the same as buffalo sauce. If you need to have ketchup like people that eat ketchup get addicted to it... I need to have a ketchup I need to have like chips but I need to have ketchup. It's just a masquerade.

The T-Rex is an absolute fraud of a dinosaur

T-Rex is an absolute fraud. We got Giganotosaurus, that's like the alpha of all the roars. It's just basically T-Rex with functional arms but like four times as big. Looks like a dragon.

South Dakota is the most unremarkable state in America

The most unremarkable State I don't even know if we have a listener here. If we do have a listener here tweet us. We'd love to hear from the listeners in the great state of South Dakota. who the fuck cares

Mississippi is a miserable place and a no-brainer for Mount Flushmore

An absolute no-brainer a few years ago. I did a a college tour... every state had a great time in pretty much all of them. The only one that was a bad time. Just a miserable place to be Mississippi. Oh, wow.

New York would be nice if it wasn't for the 80% of the population that is here

I will go with the state. We're all in right now, New York. Wooohooo! York State the Big Apple... since this quarantine is started... you realize a New York could be nice if like 80% of the population, which is All the time because like walking around during quarantine. It's nice.

Aaron Rodgers is the fourth greatest quarterback of all time

My number four [is] Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback that I've ever seen in terms of like the throws he can make, everything that they can do. In his prime, like those four, five, six years, the Packers were never out of a game.

Ben Roethlisberger is a top 6 quarterback of all time

Number six: Big Ben Roethlisberger. He has twice as many Super Bowls as Aaron Rodgers.

Digging up old draft prospect tweets is the lamest thing you can do

I actually think there's nothing lamer than plotting ahead and trying to fuck up the biggest night of somebody's life because they had some weird tweets... if you're 13 and you're not tweeting out crazy stuff, you're not taking enough chances.

Russell Westbrook is the greatest Thunder player ever, even if KD was the best

Russell Westbrook was the greatest Thunder ever. I didn't say he was the best player to ever play for the Thunder... the greatest is like a person who held it down... put up some great numbers. When you hear the name Thunder, you think of this person. Katie [Durant] left the door open.

Church is one of the worst places to be drunk

My number one, I'll go with... Church. If you just like taking sacrament too many times, blood of Jesus. You're the biggest lightweight of all time and you're an embarrassment.

I have absolutely zero interest in the NBA HORSE competition

We did have HORSE last night which I'll tell you right now. I did not watch did not tune into that. Zach LaVine, that's really the only Zach LaVine who competes in every single like off-the-books contest there is at the end that the NBA can throw at you. Chris Paul, Paul Pierce, really no interest in it whatsoever.

Donald Trump is a better golfer than Barack Obama

You've golfed with both Trump and Obama who's better? [Trump]. Trump's better, a little better. Yeah.

College football coaches are the last people who should be commenting on the coronavirus

I can't stress this enough like the very last people that you want to comment on coronavirus are college football coaches. They cannot at any point understand what's going on... All they're thinking about is getting their boys back... If you want a quote that will not look good, just go ask any college football coach in America.

Calamari is a trash appetizer

Calamari. Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, well, just get calamari, assuming I want calamari. I'm just like no... if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting.

Deviled eggs are gross as a party appetizer

I think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form. Like if you're out and you eat a deviled egg, it's like okay have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude.

The Bloomin' Onion is a disappointment; just order onion rings

Whenever you order it, it's always disappointment. The Bloomin' Onion. Think about it, like why? Just order onion rings.

Dayton would have beaten Kansas to win the National Championship this year

I think they can beat Kansas... having a rematch with the national player of the year the national Coach of the Year a mid-major. When's the last time I made major won a national championship? It's been a long time.

Michigan State's hypothetical run would have ended with Tom Izzo and Cassius Winston winning it all against a nobody

I feel like they would have it feel like a fanfic for Michigan State would have had them playing complete nobody came and coming out of nowhere in the finals. So it would have even been a memorable final except for Izzo and Cassius Winston.

The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon was ahead of its time regarding stadium politics

I love the owner being like I'm an Eagles fan my whole life. I love this city and they're like, so you're not going to move. He's like, yeah. It's like so you're going to stay at the at this current Stadium. He's like, whoa didn't say that. We need a new Stadiums like hey, look there's every problem that every ownership video team has had ever had for the rent for the next 25 years... Stan Kroenke probably watch this was like, oh this is how it's done.

Calvin Johnson is a better receiver at his peak than Terrell Owens and Marvin Harrison

I think [Calvin Johnson] is a better receiver at his Peak then T.O. and Marvin are. If you look at it has a higher yards per reception than everyone else that I just listed. He also has the the greatest receiving season in 122 receptions 1964 yards, and he was playing on the Lions.

Randy Moss is the best receiver in the history of the NFL

Randy Moss is the is the best receiver in the history of the NFL, Correct? I don't care what he did to [the] caterer in the barbecue... he was also the greatest wide receiver all time.

Maryland would have made a Final Four run in the 2020 tournament

I do honestly believe that [Maryland] were one of those 15 20 teams that could have made a final four run... you're probably always going to think the most positive outcome was what would have happened because who sits around goes, 'you know, we probably lost to Akron in the first round.'

AJ Soprano is the worst TV character of all time

AJ Soprano is the worst character of all time. I fucking hate it... Every time he came on I want to fast forward.

Robert California's character marked the end of The Office being good

I'll go with Robert California that fucking soaked... then Robert California just it's like, alright, this show is completely over.

Vincent Chase is a terrible TV character

I think Vincent Chase is a fucking terrible character. Vinnie Chase. I hate Vinnie Chase... What does Vinnie Chase do that's memorable besides make stupid decisions, box smoke shows, and hang out and smoke weed?

There has never been a better time to get a cold sore than during the quarantine

How about this for positivity? There's never been a better time to get a cold sore. I'm just saying that if you do get cold sores now is like you're hitting the lottery if you get one you don't have to go into work for a couple weeks, no one's ever going to know.

The 17-game NFL season is not worth it due to the physical toll on players

Absolutely not dude. I don't need another game. Like what about another... Nah, dude not worth it. Really our bodies are so fucking hurt after the season like 16 games and then you got the playoffs if you're lucky enough to make it that far and I don't know we just don't need another game.

Rick Pitino is definitely a guy who has nipple rings

I think the two of them probably have a lot in common as you like Cuomo Rick Pitino has probably a nipple ring guy. Yeah. Oh, yeah big time nipple ring guy if he doesn't have them he loves them.

Vikings used magic mushrooms to cure concussions and it could save modern football

Essentially Vikings might have caught cured concussions and save football. If they do the research and develop a drug where it's like, okay, this would actually speed up the process... these Berserkers definitely had CTE and like a lot of them lived to super old ages... we could save football.

Robert Kraft's mask donation should be treated as a good deed regardless of his politics

I just feel like we're at the point in time where it's like any good deed that can help the greater cause here, let's just let it be a good deed. What's especially egregious considering that he could go right down the street to Chris Sale and be like, 'Hey Chris, can you cut up some more MLB jerseys to Masks?'

Bats are the worst animal because they take away things like March Madness

I'm gonna win the strap with first pick because it's the number one most Wanted animal in the world right now his ruined the entire world. It's bats. Bats fucking suck. Fuck bats. ... Secondary take away March Madness. Don't do ecosystems... I will never forget that we didn't get March Madness in 2020.

Billy Mitchell's wife is the reason he is the 'King of the Nerds'

I actually kind of think his wife has big tits and I think that that is the greatest equalizer in like nerd world where they're like, 'Whoa, Billy look at the fucking the tits on your wife' and then he just becomes the King of the Nerds.

OJ Simpson should have been left off the NFL 100 list

OJ Simpson, like I get it, but I mean, come on, you could have very easily not put OJ Simpson on this list and nobody have been like, 'Hey, what the fuck? Why don't you put OJ Simpson on the list?'

Adrian Peterson, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Marshall Faulk were snubbed from the NFL 100 Running Back list

I think the three running backs that they totally missed and that at least two—no, actually, I think all of them are better than Earl Campbell: Adrian Peterson should be in there, LaDainian Tomlinson should be in there and Marshall Faulk should be in there.

LaDainian Tomlinson's peak was so ridiculous he's a top-four back all-time

LT was a—LT very clearly should be on this list... Adrian Peterson and LaDainian Tomlinson are probably two of the top four in the right [at their peak].