Takes

Tiger Woods should ditch Nike for Champion or Costco to lower expectations

I think it's time for Tiger Woods to ditch Nike because you see Tiger Woods in the Nike and you think of early 2000s... height of his powers. And you're like, why is this guy not the same? I think he needs to be sponsored by like Champion... or like Costco.

Steph Curry should get a divorce to become likable again because Americans love a broken person

My advice would be get a divorce. Nobody likes the married guy that's having sex with his hot wife all the time. If you're really good at your job, you get a divorce, you get a lot of sympathy from everybody... get everyone on your side immediately.

Steph Curry needs a tragedy in his family to become likable again because Americans don't like perfect people

I don't want someone in Seth Curry's family to die, but if someone did die in his family, he would immediately lift the air of like hateability... I'll admit when my take got a little too hot, got away from me... but if someone did die, he would immediately lift the air of like hateability.

Americans do not like perfect people; they prefer athletes who fuck up like normal people

The bottom line is Americans don't like perfect... so just like make yourself more like us, you know, like get caught taking like sending a nude to somebody or sliding into somebody's DMs. Like be just like the rest of us normal Americans, you know, fucking up a little bit.

Olympic cancellation rumors are just a PR stunt to remind people the Olympics are happening

I swear to God, they pretend it's canceled the Olympics every Olympics just to remind us the Olympics are coming... how else do you pump everyone up for the Olympics in the beginning of May?... Their whole PR 101 is they just remind you it's happening by scaring the fuck out of everyone.

I would trade four months of being sick with Zika to win a gold medal for my country

Why is it that big of a deal to get the Zika virus if you're going to get a gold medal? I would trade four months of being sick as a dog to win, not win it for myself, but win it for my country. I would shit through a screen door for four months if it meant that my country got a gold medal.

Retired players should fake-tweet they are returning to the league just to get back into the news cycle

I think more players should start doing this where they just fake tweet that they're coming out of retirement. Just get people talking about him because I didn't even know Jason Campbell was retired... Jeff George should just tweet something racist tomorrow just to get the rush of being like a celebrity again.

Spite is an underrated motive for health and longevity

I think that spite is very underrated as a motive for things and just as an ability to help you get through life. ... Just find somebody that you really hate that you want to outlive. Yes, you got to outlive them.

Johnny Manziel should buy a house instead of renting to avoid party damage headlines

My PR 101 advice to Johnny would be—this is basic stuff—buy a house, don't rent. Interest rates being what they are these days, you're getting some bad financial advice so just look to buy, don't look to rent.

Johnny Manziel is actively trying to be a dickhead to stay in the news

He's actively trying to be a dickhead now. That's the thing that's shocking with Johnny Manziel... Now I think he's going out of his way to be like, I'm going to stay in the news. I'm moving in with Josh Gordon. I'm getting in a weird car accident. He's trying to do this.

Tyler Summit is the Jackie Robinson of coaches getting their own players pregnant.

The Jackie Robinson of getting a player that you coach pregnant. ... Say what you want about about women's basketball. But I think this is the first time that a head coach has ever gotten one of their players pregnant. ... I don't really know where I'm going with that, except I can tell you that it's never, ever happened in the history of men's basketball. So kind of groundbreaking by him.

If a coach gets their own player pregnant, they have to marry them.

If I were to tell [Tyler Summit] how to handle this, this kind of no brainer. You got to marry the player, right? ... I think it's probably in bounds as long as you're getting married. If you have an intention to get married, then like, yeah, if you're 25 and the girl is above the age of 20, then I say go for it.

Adam Schefter is feeling the heat from Jay Glazer and Ian Rapoport in the insider market

Schefter needs PR 101 because Schefter went on the Dan Patrick show and he started defending Greg Hardy. We call that the Jay Glazer effect. Jay Glazer's doing sit-downs with everyone. Schefter's feeling a little heat there. No one watches the NFL insider market more than I do. Schefter's feeling a little heat.

J.J. Watt is rattled because he tweeted at me out of nowhere

Here's why I think and I know that J.J. Watt is rattled. This was a totally unsolicited tweet from him... He just tweets me out of nowhere and he says, I thought we were friends now, man... You don't tell someone to have a great day unless you're, like, rattled.

To fix your public image after a DUI, enter treatment, disappear for 40 days, and return with an inspirational tweet.

That's step one, enter treatment. You kind of got to bite the bullet on this one and just say, it's on me, and then disappear for, I don't know, 40 days or something, and then come back with an inspirational tweet, and then you're pretty much good. Everybody will forget about it.

The Crying Jordan meme is essentially a form of blackface

Isn't Crying Jordan meme a blackface in a way? I've never thought about it like that, but I suppose it is... They blackface literally every person who's ever lost any game ever.

Coach K is the ultimate sore loser

He basically told a kid [Dylan Brooks], don't showboat. And, like, don't show up the other team while showing up the other coach by coaching a kid that's not his kid. And that's Coach K to a T. Like, he's the sore loser.

There is 'no chance' Coach K's program at Duke has been run as squeaky clean as people believe

There's got to be dozens of Coach K scandals that have been covered up over the past 20 years, right? There's no chance that his program has been run as squeaky clean as we've been led to believe that it has.

LeBron should toy with the Cavs' emotions by following rival teams

He knows that he can do whatever he wants in Cleveland. So he should just keep toying with their emotions. He should go look at houses in Miami, rent a condo in Malibu. Unfollow the Cavs Twitter account. Follow the Knicks Instagram account. Just basically do all this shit to toy with their emotions.

The best PR move for any scandal is to check into 'treatment' without explanation

Check into treatment... Don't give us an explanation. Just like disappear for 20 days and then you come back and you're like, I'm healed... When you just say it's a real problem that needs treatment, people now all of a sudden can't make jokes about it.

If you have a PR disaster like Chris Jones, just do porn to change the headline

If you're Chris Jones, your dick pops out [at the combine], then you get arrested... Maybe you just do porn and like double down again... now you're not the arrest guy. You're the porn guy. You just keep piling on until you kind of cover everything down. Like if I write a bad blog, I'll just keep blogging on top of it and push all the bad stuff down.

Robert Griffin III needs to cut his hair to look professional for job interviews

If I'm Robert Griffin, I got to cut the hair at this point... You don't want to go into a job interview looking like a hippie... Cut the hair off and be clean cut. Get back to business. Let people know that you're ready to go to work.