Takes

The Seahawks are the sorriest losers in the NFL

The Seahawks, though, can we just say that they're the sorriest losers of all time? That team, I don't know why they get a pass... That team is a fucking bunch of babies.

Colt McCoy is 75% of the quarterback Kirk Cousins is

I think Colt McCoy is about 75% of what Kirk Cousins is. So that's like... 40% of a franchise quarterback.

Derek Jeter is going to look 'really fucking ugly' if he gains 15 more pounds

Derek Jeter, by the way, he's one of those guys that if he puts on another 10 or 15 pounds, he's going to be really fucking ugly. Because when you get the bald head and then you get the big cheeks, it's bad. You need hair if you're fat.

Most men who appear on The Bachelorette are 'betas'

And most of those dudes [on The Bachelorette] are betas... I tell everybody, if I was on that season, I would have liked Chad... The things that he was saying was pretty true.

Derek Jeter is a sleeper cell/traitor to the Marlins

Derek Jeter still works for the Yankees. I don't even think that's a hot take to say that... Because it's commonly accepted as the fact that Derek Jeter is a traitor to the Marlins organization.

Paul Heyman is the best talking personality in wrestling by far

Paul Heyman [cuts the best promo in the game]. Without a doubt, by far. And the other guys that are on the roster would be well served to pay attention to every word he says... He's the best talking personality in wrestling, in my view, by far.

Matt Ryan fucking stinks

what we learned is everyone's fantasy teams went down the tubes during the playoffs and Matt Ryan fucking stinks.

Marquette has the worst campus in America

The two shittiest campuses in America to go to school, in my opinion, would be Marquette and Purdue. Marquette is trash. ... Marquette, I think, was the worst place I went.

Mike Mitchell saved football by blaming Andy Dalton's poor play for dangerous hits

Mike Mitchell from the Pittsburgh Steelers went on an awesome rant, basically saving football. ... Where the genius comes in is he basically said it's not that hitting in the head is a problem. It's that Andy Dalton sucks at football.

Stephen A. Smith has a point about his 'Screaming A. Smith' nickname being unfair

Stephen A. Smith says there's racial undertones to anyone who calls him Screamin' A. Smith. So he says there's a lot of people out there who scream. Why don't they get the Screamin' A. Smith nickname? ... I've done some thinking about this out loud, some verbal thoughts, and you're right. I will stop saying screaming.

Alabama only made the College Football Playoff because of their name, not because they are better than Ohio State

I don't think Alabama is unequivocally better than Ohio State. I just haven't seen that from Alabama this year. I think they're great, but I think they're in because of who they are. And I think winning a conference championship at some point should matter.

I would rather root for a team that loses in the big game than one that never makes it

I still think I would take a team that's consistently – I would rather be in the big game and lose the big game than never sniff the big game. I can't imagine being a fan of Vanderbilt football.

Thursday Night Football is garbage and destroys player safety

It's the worst shit ever. It's so stupid. They could take Thursday Night Football and stick it right up their ass. Let's fuck up everybody's preparation. Let's have guys who are hurt playing on four days rest. It's just bullshit, you know?

The Bears would have had a better chance to win the 2010 NFC Championship if they played Caleb Hanie earlier

We'd have had a better chance of winning [the 2010 NFC Championship], no question. [If Lovie Smith went straight to Caleb Hanie].

Wearing sleeves in the cold is weak for an NFL player

That is so weak, man... I am [calling Kyle Long weak]. That's weak, dog. Next time I see him, [I'll say it to his face].

The CFP committee got the rankings exactly right

I actually think they got it exactly right. I think Wisconsin should be four. I think Alabama should be five. And that, like, Ohio State, Miami, like, it feels like all those teams, they could probably leapfrog, but they're outside looking in. Like, that's exactly where they should be.

Lacrosse is booming and the sales are up

My cool throne is lacrosse. Nike chairman Phil Knight, he was commenting on the Duke Florida game the other day, and he said, lacrosse is growing. So the sales are up. They're growing, not a show. Business is booming.

College football has lost its mind if Arizona State hires Herm Edwards

College football has officially lost its mind. When Herm Edwards gets involved, college football has officially lost its mind.

Florida State is a much better program than Texas A&M

Isn't Florida State a much better football program? Why would you leave Florida State to go to A&M?

Roger Goodell has lost control of the NFL if teams can refuse to wear Color Rush

If Roger Goodell can't make teams wear color rush, then he has lost the NFL... He has absolutely no power whatsoever. If the NFL owners are savaging him and just going against his wishes, the inmates are running the prison.

LeBron James got ejected from a blowout to stat pad and hit the showers early

LeBron got thrown out for the first time in his career for using foul language, complaining about a call in the fourth quarter of a blowout win. Why would he even care at that point? Stat padding? Question mark, question mark, question mark, question mark.

If you don't take a football road trip in college, you ruined your experience

If you were in college right now and listening to this... if you don't take a road trip with all your friends to an away football game, you have ruined your own college experience. That's the best time.

Macaroni and cheese is always an acceptable Thanksgiving side dish

By the way, the answer is yes, macaroni and cheese is always an acceptable side dish.

Gus Malzahn looks like Marlon's man's lawyer

I take one look at Gus Malzahn and I think there's no way that this guy is a successful college coach... he looks like Marlon's man's lawyer. Like, if the lawyer had a lawyer, he would look like Gus Malzahn.

No business gets done in America during November and December

No business gets done in the months of November, December in America. No business really gets done in March because of March Madness. Then April, the start of summer vacation season is usually June 3rd through August, let's say. So really, if you don't get any work done September, October, February, or March... yeah, then you pretty much screwed.

Playing on Thanksgiving is a vacation for Philip Rivers from his nine children

I bet Philip Rivers is so happy this year that he doesn't have to sit down at a table with his nine children for Thanksgiving. Getting to play a day game on Thanksgiving for Philip Rivers is basically a vacation for him.

Trump is like Machiavelli

I gave a, yeah... Trump is like Machiavelli... The Little Prince.

Kyrie Irving is significantly better than Isaiah Thomas

I think we need to find every single person who thought that the Kyrie trade wasn't good and ban them from ever watching basketball again. Because Kyrie Irving is so fucking good. And all the people that flipped out about Fultz... Kyrie Irving is... he was finishing at the rim in ways that it took my breath away.

Only America should celebrate Thanksgiving

I agree. I think it's an American tradition. I mean, because it was the pilgrims and the Indians like sitting down and having dinner together and kind of somewhat working out the deal of how we're going to take their land.

The secret to being an NFL quarterback is trying to throw it to your own team

I think he just, as much as he can, you've got to keep trying to throw it to your own team. I'm giving that one to everybody. Anybody that wants advice, there's a hot tip for you. I can show you plenty of examples on not throwing it to your own team and how I'm trying myself to figure that one out still.

Stuffing is the greatest thing in the world

I'm going stuffing. I fucking love stuffing. Stuffing is the greatest thing in the world. Why don't we eat stuffing every day? Make the turkey out of the stuffing. It's so good.

Ray Allen needs sex and internet rehab

Because he's a repeat offender now, and he's having this many difficulties, I think therapy is the only way he can get out of this. He needs to go to rehab. He needs to go to internet slash sex rehab. It worked for Tiger. Just say you're a sex addict.

Tom Brady is a dorky guy in the locker room

Kind of like a dorky-ish kind of guy, actually. You see him in all his little commercials and he's always James Bond up... But you get him back in the locker room, man. He's shooting the crap with us, going through Instagram, making fun... Scrolling down that thing just like us.

Bill Belichick is a genius who could be a Fortune 500 CEO

This dude like went to school and should be like a governor or like a Fortune 500 company genius type guy. That's a football coach. He is football. He's become a football. I don't know... his body is shaped like a football.

I would be able to play in any era of the NFL

I would think that I could play in any era, whether it's the old era or the new era. I would think I could play in either one. Of course, the game has changed a lot since I was playing it, and I would be hampered a little bit that you can't actually hit nobody anymore.

Rob Gronkowski is 'stealing' in the NFL because of the rules

What Gronkowski is doing is absolutely stealing in the NFL. Bill Belichick, he's a smart coach. He knows the rules and he makes sure the rules benefit him at all times. Because there's no way Gronkowski is supposed to be sitting in the slot and you're not able to reroute him. You get killed like that.

Quarterbacks are not a threat once you dominate them

I never hated quarterbacks. Guys like Ron Jaworski, Randall Cunningham, these guys were sacked more times than any other player. They're not a threat to you because you dominated them. Why would you hate a quarterback if you just constantly dominate them?

Baker Mayfield needs to stop apologizing for being the bad guy

Baker Mayfield could be the most celebrated college quarterback, but he keeps apologizing. He apologizes so quickly that it's not fun. Baker, part of being the bad guy is you don't apologize. Before the game even ended, he had the fucking tweet that was written out. No, you don't [want to be a role model]. You want to hold your dick in front of Kansas when you put up 40 on them.

Kevin Durant is currently like a divorced dad with visitation rights to the torch in Oklahoma City

So Kevin Durant did an interview today, and he said that when he hit that three in the NBA Finals, that to him felt like a pass the torch moment. But also in the interview, he says that he's still OKC. So his blood is still Oklahoma City. So the way I'm reading this is that the torch now, it belongs to Kevin Durant, but it resides in Oklahoma City. So Kevin Durant has visitation rights to the torch at his old place. He's like a divorced dad.

The WNBA offers the biggest advantage for professional sports bettors

What's the sport with the best advantage for the gambler? [Big Cat asks] It used to be college basketball. It's getting harder and harder. Right now, it's probably the WNBA. Ooh, yeah. It's a huge one for professional bettors. They love it. The bookmakers don't pay that much attention to it, so the wise guys feel like they get an advantage.

Peyton Manning ruined the Colts and Broncos franchises because he covered up their lack of talent

I blame Peyton Manning is what I do... I think Peyton Manning has currently ruined two franchises. At least Indianapolis and Denver. ... What has happened is like he is so advanced in understanding what you're trying to do to him as a defense that basically he takes marginal players... four and 12 talent or eight and eight talent and makes it 12 and four every year. And so you as a general manager, as a franchise, I get a little bit more enamored with your talent than you should be... all of a sudden that guy leaves and you realize we suck.

Tom Izzo is an overrated basketball coach

I've gotten some flack for starting the Coach Izzo is overrated take that we have. ... Let me tell you guys something. If you're maybe new to the show or if you're not familiar with the biz, this is what's called squatting on a take. The take might not be true yet, but it's going to be true one day. ... Eventually when Tom Izzo is overrated, then I will be the first one to have said it.

Crime reports should always include which sports team the criminal supports

Every time a crime's committed in America, every time there's a report about it in the news, they should just say what teams the people who committed the crimes liked. That'd be great. ... It just adds like a little bit of levity to every headline that you get. Like Steelers fan murdered his whole family. ... Classic Steelers. So funny.

Men are the persecuted gender because male animals have to look attractive in nature

In the animal kingdom, by and large, males actually are the ones who have to bear the burden of looking attractive all the time. Like peacocks or cardinals... Females actually don't have to wear as much makeup... Add up all the animals in the world, and we actually are the persecuted animals. We're the persecuted gender. The male.

USA Soccer is off the hook for missing the World Cup because Italy missed it too

USA Soccer is officially on the cool throne because Italy did not make the World Cup either. And that's like a big deal... we're off the hook, though. Because this is like the hottest chick who didn't make the ball... we can laugh and be like, no, those guys actually try, and they suck. It's not us.

Rob Gronkowski is a genius who is very calculated about his public persona

Gronk's really good with numbers, and I'm not lying... He can remember, like, plays and, like, or, like, where guys are drafted, this, that... Gronk's real calculated with with with his whole persona man. He knows that he's just the Gronk and like he can play it out and he knows when to play it out and all that stuff.

Ben Roethlisberger fakes a limp whenever he feels tired or cold

When he feels tired, Ben's like, I got a limp... somewhere in the back of his lizard brain, it's like, you need to show these people that you're injured... He's not smart enough to fake a limp, but [it's his] lizard brain.

Lefty quarterbacks suck at throwing the football

Horny Brook [Alex Hornibrook], there's something about him when he passes. He's terrible. He's got that weird left. He's a lefty. The way that he passes with his left hand just doesn't look natural. Lefties suck at throwing the football.

Facial expressions in impressions are a 'cheat' to make people believe the voice is better

The facial stuff is all a cheat. If you can do the mannerisms and the stuff with your face, it's a total cheat to get people to believe the voice is better than it is because people will start to see.

Players who airball a three-pointer in the NBA should be sent directly to the bench

Jeff Van Gundy had a Mike Greenberg's Dumb Rules that I fucking love. If you airball a three-pointer in the NBA, you should have to go directly to the bench. Yeah. I love it. It should just be a penalty box or something.