Takes

Jason Witten is a robot and will never be a good broadcaster

Now that [Tony Romo] realized Jason Witten is a robot and never will be good... [Witten] has obviously been told, 'hey, man, you need to start using emotions like humans do'... in the middle of sentences, he would just start smiling because he was like, 'oh, yeah, I'm supposed to tell people that I'm a human being.'

Every non-soccer sporting event should be settled using penalty kicks

Even any event that's not a soccer event should also be settled using PKs because they're electric.

I don't mind if a baseball player is selfish as long as they produce every day

People always talk about being selfish, playing the game. I don't mind if you're selfish. The longest you bring something to the table every day.

France is not a golf country

Ryder Cup. What a waste of a tournament. France is not a golf country. I agree. France is not a golf country.

Roger Goodell needs to fix the 4:05 PM kickoff time problem

Sneaking this game in at 4.05 and then all the other games at 4.25, you need to fix this fucking problem because it's the game that gets lost every single week. You just forget it starts. I have missed every single 4.05 kickoff. Ever. It starts right in the witching hour.

The NFL is definitely getting soft with the new rules

[Big Cat]: So do you land on the NFL getting soft, or do you think it's good that they're trying to protect players? [Chris Johnson]: It's definitely getting soft.

USC would have beaten Texas in the Rose Bowl if they had run the ball more

I definitely feel if we would have ran the ball more, the game would have been over. [Big Cat]: What about when Reggie did the fumble?... [Lendale White]: I'm sure Chris can attest to this... I know if I was in the game, I would have caught it and scored.

Animal crackers are cookies, not crackers

I think they're cookies. They're sweet. They're not savory, they're sweet... they're the worst cookie but the best cracker.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is the best sliding quarterback in the NFL

I'll say this about him. I think [Ryan Fitzpatrick] is the league's best sliding quarterback. He knows exactly when to time his slides to make it just a little appetizing for the defender to throw a shoulder into his head. So sabermetrically, I'm sure he picks up more of those [penalties].

You have to keep starting Ryan Fitzpatrick until it gets 'real ugly'

You ride Ryan Fitzpatrick until it gets real ugly. Here's why you don't [bench him]... I want him out there until he pulls like a Dan Orlovsky and does something as dumb as like sprinting out of the back of the end zone into the tunnel with a ball.

Injured players secretly hope their team loses so their importance is validated

I don't think you'd be human if there wasn't a part of you that was like, I hope that we lose... it's the competitive nature in you. I know you're obviously rooting for your teammates. You want them to win, but there's a part of you that always wants to be part of the winning team.

Brad Stevens is the best X's and O's coach I have ever seen

From an X's and O's standpoint, he's one of the best, if not the best I've ever seen. It's like when you watch... the Celtics games, or if you have watched old Butler games, like after timeout plays, we're getting the bucket every time.

The 2010 Duke team was the best coached team in the tournament, not the most talented

Duke was not the most talented team that we played or had the best players that we played throughout the tournament... But they were the best coached and, like, the most disciplined. They were kind of like us.

Alabama's maroon home uniforms look slow and boring

I've always thought that the Alabama maroon uniforms look kind of slow... Whenever they put on the maroons at home... They just look a little slow. They're a little dull. Just everything about Alabama is a little bit boring. It's a factory. It's industrial.

Josh Allen is a better running quarterback than Cam Newton

Josh Allen, better running quarterback than Cam Newton.

Derek Carr is not worth a $20 million salary

I'm not sure that [Derek] Carr's worth the $20 million when you watch him play.

Dak Prescott is not the problem in Dallas, the scheme is

I don't think [Dak Prescott sucks]... I think their scheme is so bad. I think they do nothing to help them. I think if Sean McVay went and spent two weeks in Dallas, they'd probably score 30 points a week.

Shaq and Dwight Howard are more alike than people realize in their sensitivity

Shaq and Dwight Howard are more alike than people realize... Shaq is kind of a fucking loser like that too, where he can joke... but if you come at him, he's kind of a baby about it.

The best USFL teams would have been 7-9 caliber NFL teams

Philadelphia Stars back then would have been a 7-9 NFL team.

Derek Carr is an overrated quarterback

Derek Carr's overrated, I think. It's the Raiders. They've been a gong show forever.

Vontae Davis retiring at halftime was a selfish move

You can't quit on your team. If you want to quit after the game, fine. You've got to finish the game. You've got to at least be standing on the sidelines rooting the guys on that you're trying to help or hope to win... It was a selfish move in a weird way to, I mean, everyone's going to remember how that guy retired instead of his career.

Jon Gruden is intentionally sabotaging the Raiders to get back at Al Davis

I think this might be intentional... he had like a feud with Al Davis and whispered in his ear on Al's deathbed: 'Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I'm going to come back, and I'm going to wreck your franchise.'

Silicon Valley removing vowels from apps is a war against Italy

Silicon Valley disrupting apps where they take out all the vowels, is that anti-Italian? Absolutely. It's a full-on war against Italy.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick actually hate each other

I do actually believe that Brady and Belichick hate each other. I think they hate each other, but I think that they have such a productive hate for each other. And they're both such like competitive psychos that it just makes each one of them be better at their jobs.

Spitting in your own pee stream is a sign of dominance

Number one, spitting in your pee stream is a sign of dominance... once it hits the stream you're in for a good day. Target practice. It's like going skeet shooting.

You cannot trust a guy who consistently wears cologne

You can't trust a guy who consistently wears cologne. You just can't. You're trying too hard.

Blake Bortles destroyed the Pittsburgh Steelers

I was saying, okay, who killed these Pittsburgh Steelers? Was it the Browns? Nope. Was it Patrick Mahomes? Nope. Blake Bortles destroyed the Pittsburgh Steelers by beating them twice last year in their own backyard.

Urban Meyer is so boring off the field that it's hard to understand how players get fired up for him

He's one of those coaches where when he's not actively on the sidelines coaching, he's so boring that I have no idea how anybody gets fired up to play for him. He must be just like a totally different guy when he's out there on the field.

Jason Witten might be a robot

So are we sure Jason Witten is still alive? He is a robot, and I do not understand why they overthink these things so much and just not put Booger McFarland in the studio. You could actually hear Booger McFarland getting mad at Jason Witten.

Route running is the most important skill for a wide receiver

I would say that route running is supreme over every other characteristic of being a receiver. Forget the speed. Forget the height. Forget the vertical. If you're a route runner, you can be so deceptive with everything.

The 'Philip Rivers line' is the definitive way to judge if an NFL quarterback is elite

The Mendoza line... it's just the Philip Rivers line. Would you take said quarterback over Philip Rivers? If you would, then he's an elite quarterback. If you wouldn't, then he is a sucky quarterback. Philip Rivers straddles that line perfectly.

Ed Orgeron is the best defensive line coach on the planet

Coach Orgeron was the defensive line coach, the best defensive line coach on the planet. He got absolutely everything out of every player.

You cannot wear a backwards hat and lose as an NFL head coach

Matt Patricia, you can't wear a backwards hat and lose... You just can't do it. You look like an idiot when you wear a backwards hat and lose. If you win, you can wear whatever you want.

Derek Carr sucks

Chucky is back. And the Raiders are a hot mess. Derek Carr... sucks. He sucks.

Fantasy football dehumanizes NFL players

I hate fantasy football. I just think it just dehumanizes the players. I think you put somebody in a place where they're not real, they're not human... this guy blew his fucking ACL out. Nobody really doesn't care about him as a human being just about how many points can he bring to his team.

Fletcher Cox is the best defensive tackle in the NFL

Who's the best defensive tackle in the league right now? And you can't say yourself. Fletcher Cox. Good answer.

NFL preseason quarters should be shortened to eight minutes

I would cut the preseason down to eight minutes a quarter, too. Because it doesn't make sense to have the game so long, 15 minutes when you know that the game doesn't count... I just think they should cut the minutes down because the risk of losing some of your starters versus the reward of them I don't think is worth it.

85% of NFL players are scared at the moment of contact when tackling

Every time you look at it, it's very rarely that there's a couple guys in the NFL who are really just coming in and they form tackle the right way. But every time people duck their heads, at the moment of contact, 85% of everybody gets scared. If you look at it, people's eyes are closed. They're scared of it. It's human nature.

Derwin James is the next Ed Reed and Sean Taylor 2.0

Derwin James, the new safety. He's going to be the next Ed Reed. I love him... He's Sean Taylor 2.0.

Matt Ryan was a product of Kyle Shanahan's system

I think [Matt Ryan] was a product of Kyle Shanahan's system. How about that? He was 13-3, I believe, without Kyle Shanahan. He's top 10.

Serena Williams was being a baby and stole the moment from Naomi Osaka

It felt to me like she was being a little bit of a baby and she was losing and wanted to kind of make a scene. And it sort of stole the moment from the person who actually did win, Naomi Osaka.

You can't take a shit at a friend's house if the bathroom is less than 30 'bathroom feet' away

It's actually a formula that you multiply the number of bathrooms times the feet from the couch to the bathroom. And if it's anything under 30, then you can't take a shit there. So if there's a bathroom 20 feet away from the couch, but there's only one bathroom in the whole house, you can't do it.

Mike Brown was the smartest defensive player I ever played with

The smartest one is Mike Brown. Not even close. Julius Peppers is a different—you know, 6'6", 300, runs a 4'6", 4'5" 40. But Mike Brown... he was the smartest.

Kyle Orton was a great quarterback who never got the credit he deserved

People didn't give Kyle [Orton] enough credit. Kyle could do everything they asked him to do. They didn't ask him to do much because, first of all, Kyle knew what kind of defense he had. So he didn't turn the ball over... He understood the situation he was in with our defense. So he could make all the throws that we needed him to, but he just didn't get the credit he deserved.

Bear Weather is 100% real

Is Bear weather real? Yes, 100%. Nobody wants to play in Chicago past December or November or whatever. Our fans love it. In the winter, they don't care, man. They're going to come out and support no matter what. If you're playing there, you better take advantage of that weather because it's not going to change.

Aaron Rodgers is the toughest quarterback I ever played against

Who's the toughest quarterback you had to play against? Aaron [Rodgers]. His mobility is obviously—his arm is tremendous, but his mobility and they're never in a bad play. You can't trick them.

Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator

I actually think Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator if you gave him just like two years in a dark room with some playbooks. Just showed him the basic concepts and let him just motivate the guys. He's like if Jim Tomsula took LSD at a very young age.

Grapes are the real frauds because they don't actually taste like grape

Grapes are the real frauds. Grapes don't taste like grape anymore. They got cucked out of their own taste... You're drinking a grape soda, but it is not grape. It doesn't taste like grapes. It tastes like purple.

The Browns season of Hard Knocks was better than the Rex Ryan Jets season

Listen, this is the best season of Hard Knocks. This was better than the Rex Ryan season.

Jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear

I actually think jeans are the weirdest thing a football coach can wear because football coaches, they either are in sweatpants or full suit. There is no in-between. It's actually the way to tell the difference between normal human beings and football coaches is if you see someone wearing jeans, you're like, that's a civilian.