Takes

I would have easily beaten Skip Bayless in a game of one-on-one basketball

[Skip Bayless] is in good shape. But if we're shooting, then I would steal his lunch money. I would have lit up Skip Bayless.

Chris Berman was the greatest highlight broadcaster in history and the foundation of ESPN

[Chris] Berman was the best highlight guy at what he did when he did it. It was revolutionary, controversial, and the fact that he had the guts to do it and continue to do it. You can't build ESPN without him.

It is rarely beneficial for public figures to read their mentions on Twitter

I never knew where to listen to [the haters]. No, I couldn't care less. ... It's rarely good when you go on Twitter or you listen to those people.

Austin, Texas is a bad sports town for trying to steal the Columbus Crew

Austin, Texas. Bad sports town... they are currently in the midst of cucking the Columbus Crew. They're trying to steal the Crew, which is a Talking Soccer. They're trying to steal an MLS team and bring them down to Austin, Texas.

Relationships are doomed to fail if one person transfers schools specifically for the other

Your other mistake is transferring schools because anyone who ever transfers for a relationship, that relationship immediately breaks up. That doesn't last.

Road trip snacks like beef jerky and Mountain Dew are superior aphrodisiacs to oysters

Road trip food is the natural aphrodisiac. Get oysters the hell out of here. Give me like that weird salted trail [mix], maybe some Twizzlers, Slim Jims. ... If I smell, when [a woman] walks to the door with a cracker crust peanut butter combo on her breath, I know it's on.

The presence of a dog makes a man significantly more attractive by proving he can keep something alive

[A dog] shows that we can keep another thing alive. It's the paternal instinct. You look at that and you're like, that guy would be a good dad because he's holding an animal and the animal isn't dead yet.

A shitty offense makes a defense better because they play harder out of pure anger

If you have a shitty enough offense, your defense gets a lot better because they're so fucking mad at your offense. [It's] just being so angry at how incompetent your offense is that you actually end up playing harder just because you're furious all the time.

All men will become hobos within a week if they lose access to hygiene products

Left to your own devices, all men will become hobos within like a week of having no access to hygiene products.

College football is more fun when Notre Dame is good

Notre Dame is back. And it's going to be fun. It's going to be fun to watch Notre Dame get their hopes all the way up. College football is significantly more fun when Notre Dame is back.

Ass-eating season is 100% back

I said that it was toe-sucking season, but I'm retracting that. Ass-eating season is 100% back. Gabby Union said that she eats Dwayne Wade's ass.

Kyrie Irving telling a fan to 'suck my dick' was worth the $25,000 fine

Kyrie got fined 25,000 that's not that much totally worth it to say suck my dick to fan yes absolutely yeah... Saying suck my dick in Philly is like the nicest thing you can do. That's the Philadelphia hello.

The NFL needs more players like Vontaze Burfict

The NFL needs more Vontaze Burfict. Not the other way around. I want to be scared going over the middle. You need a guy like that in the league at all times.

You cannot have a championship drought if you have never won a title

The Astros, the Indians are the longest drought for Major League Baseball. Yes. For a championship. The Rangers are second longest. The Astros are third. The Rangers and the Astros have never won a World Series. Can you have a drought if you've never won a World Series? Because I say no.

Alex Smith is a top five good-looking quarterback in the NFL

Alex Smith, shockingly very good-looking guy... Top five NFL good-looking guy. I'm talking about quarterbacks, Hank... Alex Smith's a good looking dude.

85% of The Ringer's basketball podcasters are 'hipsters' who rely too much on stats

85% of the people that are on the Ringer podcast discussing basketball, they're hipsters. In terms of the stat, stat, stat... I want an eye test. I don't want geometry. Can you play or can you not play?

LeBron James will never be as good as Michael Jordan

23 reasons why LeBron James will never be like Mike... Caitlyn Jenner. Another topic we need more on. LeVar [Ball] can't ball is a good one.

Tobey Maguire is the worst basketball player I've ever seen

The worst basketball player I've ever seen is Tobey Maguire. That motherfucker. Stick to the poker tables, you nerd.

LeBron James travels and could learn how to establish a pivot foot from Gordon Hayward's injury

Hey, LeBron James, you could learn a lot from Gordon Hayward about how to establish a pivot foot. [LeBron] travels.

Freezing Reese's Peanut Butter Cups is the best way to eat them

Reese's, put them in the freezer, kids. That's the next level stuff. Everyone knows that.

Gambling Twitter is in the VIP section of the worst parts of Twitter

Gambling Twitter is in VIP of the worst Twitter. It's definitely... I don't know if they're in this Uber VIP up top where Jay-Z is... but they're in VIP. Twitter trolls are definitely in the VIP of the club of Twitter.

I am never betting on Kansas again

Kansas, you are off the list. After last week, no more. [I am never taking them again].

The Bulls' practice fight is a result of a failure in leadership from John Paxson

This starts from the top. This is leadership from the top. This is John Paxson, who has famously gotten a choking match with Vinny Del Negro... It's a good culture that the Bulls have.

Calling your partner 'mommy' or 'daddy' is technically the sexiest thing you can say

The words daddy and mommy just mean that you've had sex. They're like an honor. When you get knighted, and now you shall arise as sir once you have sex and you procreate, your name's daddy and mommy. So actually, it's technically the sexiest thing you can say.

Aaron Rodgers has become complacent and needs a backup to challenge him

Aaron Rodgers, I'm just going off my eyeballs here, he seems like a guy that can get complacent. That's just my working theory. So if he has someone who has taken the first four rounds behind him [Brett Hundley], then he has to show up on time.

I would bet $100 million that America would pay to see Brett Favre come back one more time

If J.J. Watt can raise $30 million for hurricane relief, I guarantee that if all the football fans in America come together and we're like, hey, we want to watch Brett Favre just throw the fucking ball around the yard just a couple more times... I guarantee we could raise $100 million.

Joe Maddon is not a great in-game manager

I don't think he's that great in-game. I think he's pretty good at rallying a team and getting a team together and getting the most out of a young team, but I would say in-game he leaves a little to desire.

Mike Gundy and Kliff Kingsbury are too pretty to be 'football guys'

Mike Gundy's in really good shape. I don't like that... The mullet has gone to his head... Kliff Kingsbury's another one like that... where he looks too nice. You can't look that nice and that pretty and be a football guy. You're a fake-ass football guy.

Ronda Rousey is underrated for what she built in women's MMA

Underrated. Look at what she did. Look at what she built. She started it all... That whole combination of what she was is what built the women's mixed martial arts world. It's like a chicken and the egg phenomenon.

The replay rule for runners coming off the bag is the worst rule in baseball

It worked in the Cubs' favor, but I think it's the worst rule in baseball when a guy comes off of a bag and they hold a slide for like a second longer and he's off by a centimeter and they watch a million replays like, yeah, you know what? He was out.

Ernie Johnson and Ron Darling are the least electric duo to call an elimination game

Ernie Johnson and Ron Darling. Maybe the least electric duo to call an elimination game in sports. It sounded like they were just hanging out... It sounded like Ernie Johnson was on the phone with his wife in the other hand, and then he'd just pop into the mic and be like, that's a double.

I miss Joe Buck's 'big game' voice

I'm going to say it. I miss Joe Buck... Joe Buck has a big game voice. That's a fact. Yeah, he could say the exact same things that Ernie Johnson says, but there's something about Joe Buck. You hear that voice, and you know what? It's pageantry.

Barstool Van Talk on ESPN2 is the biggest opportunity we've ever had

We see this as probably the biggest opportunity we've ever had. And we know what's at stake for our entire company and for all the people that we work with and care about.

Umpires are more likely to be lenient with Trevor Bauer because he supports Donald Trump

I think he would be more likely to be a successful pitcher as a Trump supporter because I'm going to go out on a limb and say that most umpires are probably Trump supporters. Blue Lives Matter. That's what they call umpires... I feel like Country Joe [West] might be pulling the lever for Trump... umpires would be more likely to be lenient with a Trump-supporting pitcher.

Mark Brunell is dead to Jaguars fans because he cried on TV

This is actually a fun fact for most Jaguars fans out there. Mark Brunell's dead to us. Yeah, because he cried... about football... you can't cry about that.

Whataburger's actual burgers are trash

Whataburger is trash... Whenever you talk about a burger joint, you're talking about the burger. You can't say you've got to try Whataburger, but the chicken's really good. I know this great rib joint, but you've got to try the salmon.

A manager getting ejected rallies the team like a big hit in hockey

When a manager gets kicked out, it rallies the troops like a big hit in hockey.

The chicken definitely came before the egg because God just created the bird first

I think it had to be the chicken. How did that chicken get made if there was going to be an egg? ... I feel like [God] just created the chicken and boom, the egg was next.

NFL players already fear the Broncos defense before the game even starts

Before we go in the game, we're already in the heads. ... When you turn the film and you see Broncos defense play, I think that automatically gets in quarterback's heads. ... You can watch an interview and you can kind of [smell fear].

There has never been a quarterback better at playing the position than Peyton Manning

When it comes to quarterback, being a quarterback and quarterbacking in the National Football League, there hasn't been a quarterback better than Peyton Manning. ... coming up to the line, being a quarterback, there's not a greater quarterback than Peyton Manning.

If I played offense I would be a tight end because I know how to beat defensive coverages

I'd probably be a tight end. That's a position that I know. I guard tight ends every single day. ... I understand what works, what doesn't work, how to beat the guys on defense because that's where my foundation is.

Jim Sorgi is the greatest Wisconsin quarterback of all time

You are probably the best Wisconsin quarterback of all time, and I'm just going to do—I'm going to say Russ [Wilson] is NC State for this debate.

I would have liked my chances to get a starting job if I were still with the Colts in 2011

I got released after the 2009 season... and then 2011, [Peyton Manning] ends up missing the whole season. That would have been a nice opportunity to kind of get in there and play some games and show what you got and maybe get a pretty good contract from somebody else.

The early 2000s Miami Hurricanes defense could have beaten NFL teams

I agree. I mean, it was some, we could have beat some NFL teams, absolutely. [Could you have taken the Browns?] Absolutely.

There are only two tiers of NFL quarterbacks: those who suck and those who can win a Super Bowl

NFL quarterback situation, there's no tiers. There's no elite and non-elite. It's just either you suck or you can win a Super Bowl. And Jameis Winston will, in my estimation, will ever be a really good sucky quarterback.

Rooting against Tony Romo in the broadcast booth is as fun as rooting against him on the field

Rooting against [Tony Romo] in the booth is actually becoming as fun as rooting against him on the field was. He's like, now this could be a screen here. In my head, I'm like, throw the fucking ball deep.

John Lackey is the alpha of the Cubs clubhouse

Who's the alpha on the Cubs right now? [John] Lackey. I would say... This dude's an absolute animal... He's going to be pissed [if he doesn't make the postseason rotation], and rightfully so.

The World Series hangover is a real psychological and physical phenomenon for players

I think what you're seeing in baseball with the Cleveland Indians and the Chicago Cubs... is that the World Series hangover is for real, and these guys needed a little bit of an all-star break and now have hit their stride... It's as much mental as physical.

A quality Latin player who can bridge the language barrier is the most important part of a good clubhouse

The biggest part of a good clubhouse is a quality Latin player that's able to communicate both sides... Like a Pedro Strop. Awesome dude... And he can mix and match. Like he can help me understand maybe if a guy doesn't speak English... The personality is hard to break when you have that language barrier.

Successful pitchers need to have a bit of an 'asshole' streak to be effective on the mound

No doubt [pitchers need that streak]... the day [John Lackey] pitched, he's the biggest asshole on the team. You love him for it because he brings... an edge that we didn't have. He brought that F-you to the other team... sometimes putting a chip on your shoulder or having a way to get yourself going when you're older... that's important so you may need to take your mind to a different place.