Takes

The Pimento Cheese sandwich at Augusta is overrated

I'm on record as saying it's not my thing. I tried it because it's like, hey, when in Rome, but when I... I'm a consistency person, and if I don't like the consistency then I'm just not going to be able to get with it, and pimento and cheese just doesn't work for me.

Steph Curry's 'Oxblood' shoes look like footwear for a baptism in juvenile detention

The shoes look like something that you would wear to a baptism if you were in juvenile detention.

Under Armour deliberately releases bad shoe photos for the publicity

I do think that Steph Curry, there's an element where Under Armour is like, we're never going to be the cool shoes. So we'll release some bad pictures again. Let everyone roast us. How are you going to get publicity for Steph Curry's shoes other than letting the internet roast you?

The Steph Curry 'Oxblood' shoes aren't actually that bad

I don't think they're that bad. That's all I was saying. I wouldn't wear them and buy them myself, but the way the internet freaks out about them, it's the worst thing in the world. There's been much worse NBA player shoes.

People who get upset about fans saying 'we' are worse than the fans who say it

I really think people who get this upset about it are worse than the people who say we. It's one of those situations where it's like I'll say we sometimes. I won't even think about it. I'll just say it. And if you get that upset about it, I mean, I'm not saying it like I'm part of it. Everyone knows I'm not part of the team.

Don King was the most obvious pro-Trump celebrity of all time

Don King was the most obvious Trump celebrity of all time... he's a showman.

Dustin Johnson should have followed the Tiger Woods handbook and winced his way through a few holes before withdrawing

In true Tiger Woods fashion, [Dustin Johnson] should have winced and keeled over, hit a couple shots. Maybe see if he gets like a birdie to start and then keep playing. And if not, then quit and withdraw. That's the Tiger Woods handbook.

Something is fishy about Dustin Johnson's staircase injury

Dustin Johnson, allegedly fell down a staircase with socks on. We got some tips on what exactly happened because we all agree we don't buy it, right? There's something fishy going on here.

Pimento cheese sandwiches at the Masters are probably overrated

I know what a pimento cheese sandwich is, but I'm guessing that it's not as unbelievable as everyone's making it off to be.

LeBron James is at his most dangerous when he claims he doesn't care about a game

This was a classic LeBron game because when LeBron says he doesn't care about a game, that's when he's going to rip your heart out. When he's like, 'regular season, who cares? Why are you asking me? I'm a champion,' and then he's like, 'I really fucking care deep down and I'm going to go and drop a million points.'

I am not a Hall of Famer by my own standards

In my Hall of Fame, no. I think I was pretty good. I think I was better than everybody in the history of the game in October. Was I a Hall of Famer? In my Hall of Fame, no.

Modern starting pitchers are soft for only throwing 180 innings

Today it's going to be harder [for pitchers to get in the Hall] because they're doing less. You've got starters who go out and have a full season and have 180 innings. I mean, that's the equivalent of having a vagina. As a starter, your job is innings.

Lenny Dykstra was the second smartest hitter I ever played with

[Lenny Dykstra] was probably the second smartest hitter I ever played with... When he was playing, he built those car washes, and he built them up into being a huge business.

Minor league teams should hold a 'Coke Night' promotion featuring cocaine-themed relay races

Minor league teams like to have fun with all sorts of wacky promotion nights, right? Why not have a Coke night? ... You give the mascot a vacuum, you give the little kid a vacuum, and then you see who can suck up the foul line the fastest on the way out to the outfield.

You can never be friends with your bookie

[Big Cat: Can you be friends with your bookie?] No. That's the age-old question, and the answer is no.

Men and women can't be friends unless they are having sex

Can guys and girls be friends? No. Unless they're fucking. Then they're really good friends.

Tony Romo is the most fun quarterback to watch fail in NFL history

And I'll give you right now Tony Romo's legacy. You don't have to read anything else. He is the most fun quarterback to hate of all time. That's his legacy. ... But for everybody else, so if you're not a Duke, Yankees, Lakers fan, I'm not talking to you, but everyone else, he was the most fun quarterback to watch fail.

Tony Romo is the Gerald Ford of quarterbacks

I think the best analogy I can make to Tony Romo is he is the Gerald Ford of quarterbacks. He's a nice enough guy, and you love to watch him just run his crotch into things.

College basketball referees ruined the 2017 National Championship game

The refs ruined it so much. ... The refs ruined the game, and I can't stand when they do that, especially college basketball is the worst of all the sports. Everyone who watched that game was like, that sucked.

The biggest competitive advantage in baseball today is understanding players as human beings rather than just data

The ironic thing about that is it's kind of swung the pendulum back where I think the biggest competitive advantage now is actually understanding players as human beings, what makes them tick, getting the right kind of guys, building the right kind of chemistry, and then treating them the right way so that the team can take off.

The 'clutch gene' exists, even if it can't be proven with numbers

You can't prove that it exists by the numbers because guys have tried, but I know intuitively there are guys I want up in the big spots, and it's not just the best hitters. There are guys who just keep their heartbeat low and kind of thrive in those moments instead of backing away. ... You can kind of tell who's scared and wants that big moment over with and who actually wants the ball.

The Cubs would not have won the 2016 World Series without the Game 7 rain delay

I buy it. I don't think we win the World Series without that [rain delay], but you can't prove it. ... If you blow a lead late in any game, it's hard to then come back and win... our players were shell-shocked... and that rain delay... they rallied each other.

Gino Auriemma was secretly happy UConn lost to relieve the pressure of the win streak

I think Gino [Auriemma] was actually happy they lost that game. Well, if you saw after the shot went in, his immediate reaction was a smile. Right. So it took all the pressure off.

Losing in college hurts more than the pros because you aren't millionaires yet

In professional sports, if you lose, there's no real losers in the NFL, MLB or NBA hockey... you're all millionaires... it's like, well, I'll go home in my Maserati and call it a night. And college, it's different.

Adam Morrison is the 'Godfather of Crying' in NCAA tournament history

Do you consider yourself kind of like the godfather of crying? You were a true revolutionary when it comes—the first person gets all the shit, and then everybody else kind of reaps the rewards. Now everyone's like, wow, look at this emotion.

Roy Williams is a great cultivator of talent but is overrated as an in-game coach

I'm going to get a lot of heat if UNC wins because I've been on the Roy Williams is overrated train. I think he's actually a great cultivator of talent. He gets the most out of his guys. I still don't think he's the best at the end of games, timeouts, X's and O's.

The NFL should let fans call in penalties from their couches like the LPGA

I love this rule. This is my favorite part about golf by far. Anybody at home has deputized themselves as a rules official... the NFL could deal they could adopt this rule I want to sit at home I want to call face masks from my couch and i want dean blandino to have to review the tape.

JJ Watt did a Twitter Q&A solely to set up his PMT interview appearance

I'm totally woke on the fact that [JJ Watt] was doing this, I think, just so that he could say – he knew that he was going to get HeyJJ'd in his replies. So I think he was just setting up this entire Q&A for the question about Pardon My Take so he would say, I will go on the show.

Playing the Final Four in football stadiums ruins the players' shooting

My favorite thing that the Final Four to the NCAA basketball does is they play the entire season in arenas, and then they're like, hey, let's play in a football stadium and screw up everyone's shot.

Brands always fail when they try to be funny on April Fool's Day.

I love April Fool's because brands think that this is a good chance for them to be funny and they always fail.

Large companies use 'company policy' as a way to project fake government-level authority and deny consumer rights.

But these big companies, they tell you, you know, I wanted to return something. And they say, you can't. And I said, who says? They said, that's our company policy. I mean, the company policy, they make it sound like the government has set this up and this is the way it's going to be forever.

The waiter at Legal Seafood knew they were out of rice pilaf and intentionally gave me regular rice without saying anything.

I ordered the rice pilaf, and [the waiter] knew they didn't have it. And instead of telling me that, he just gave me the other... Regular rice. And the thing I was mad at myself is why didn't I say anything? I was mentioning it to my wife five days in a row.

Sheetz is definitively better than Wawa

I do think Sheetz is better than Wawa. That's the Homer in me.

Every single movie in the Rocky franchise is good, including Rocky V

I'm actually one of the few that likes every single movie out of the whole franchise... [I like Rocky V] I do.

Eating dinner with a woman who isn't your wife is a form of cheating

I think that eating is a form of cheating. I think eating is actually worse than sex. Because if you think back to cavemen, cavemen, they wouldn't share a meal, right? But they go around fucking everything. That's guy stuff. Guys like to fuck... But eating, it's like, no, this is my sacred energy source. I'm not going to share it with you.

There is no such thing as an expatriate; if an American works overseas, they are still ours and must pay taxes.

I guess the technical term, [Christian Pulisic] works overseas, so he's an expatriate. But as we discussed earlier with Chris Long, there are no such things as expatriates. So we'll claim him. Someone make sure that he's paying taxes.

Twitter intentionally releases bad updates just to generate free publicity through news articles.

The Twitter update... is awful but I think Twitter just does this once every few months so people will write articles about Twitter. That's really it. That's just kind of pokes the bee's nest... I think the long con is going to work.

The phrases 'you can be anything' and 'there are no stupid questions' are complete bullshit.

Two of the dumbest things that were said to every kid. You can be anything when you grow up. That's just bullshit. And two, there are no stupid questions, only stupid answers. Also bullshit. There's a ton of stupid questions.

I am much faster than people think I am.

Would you say you're faster than people think? Because I attest to that. I think you're much faster than people think. [Kyle Schwarber]: I would say so, yes. Yes. [Big Cat]: Agreed. Strong agree for the comment I just made.

I would hit three home runs per game in a 16-inch beer softball league.

How many home runs do you think you would hit if you played in my 16-inch beer softball league? ...probably like three, so three a game. ...And the fourth would just be like a double?

Skyline Chili is greatness in your mouth and I could eat it every day.

Skyline Chili, yes or no? Yes. Big time. ... I disagree with you 100%. ... I could eat it every day. I'm a big Coney guy. ... It's greatness in your mouth. I mean, that cheese and everything. Like, come on, man. You can't tell me that you don't enjoy biting into a cheese coney.

Bat flipping is appropriate in high-pressure situations, but doing it while winning by several runs warrants a beanball.

You've got to know when it's appropriate and know when it's not appropriate. In my mind, that's an appropriate time. You're in a high-pressure situation. You just crush a ball, and you're putting your team up three. It's a big run. I feel like that's appropriate. But, like, if you're up by, like, three and you crush it and you bat flip and you're popping the chains... You deserve to get one right in the ribs.

The Giants would have beaten the Patriots if they had made it to the Super Bowl.

I think [Bob Kraft] is actually right because Eli Manning is the exact opposite in Super Bowls as Matt Ryan. He sucks for three quarters and then he's really, really good weirdly in the fourth.

Bill Self underachieves with his talent at Kansas

[Bill Self's] teams are always really, really good, but they should be better. He doesn't get the most out of his talent. That's the side I'm on.

Every coach who doesn't win the National Championship should be fired

Every coach that doesn't win the national championship should probably get fired. I agree. It's a failure.

Fall is the best season for napping, followed by spring

I would rank it power ranking nap seasons, fall number one, spring number two.

LeBron James only wears 'bunsen burner' goggles as an excuse for potential failure

He literally just wears these things [goggles] so that then he can say these things were screwing with me... or he can look tough in front of the cameras... Bunsen burner goggles mixed with a guy that goes to a shooting range for the first time.

Always eat ass on the first date

If it smells nice, I eat it, lick it, eat the ass, and then worry about it later... Do you eat ass on first date? ... You got to. You got to.

I convinced Japanese baseball fans to love America during the WBC

I think that they [Japanese fans] were very surprised how warm and nice Americans were to them... when they came to the United States for the very first time, they were shocked... and the next night they came here and they were more passionate for USA than many of the USA fans were against Puerto Rico.

Foul Ball Guy (Zack Hample) is a peon compared to me

Now he's [Foul Ball Guy] a peon compared to a giant.