Takes

Laremy Tunsil should own the gas mask video and walk out for his first NFL game wearing one

Tunsil should just own this and come out for the first game with a gas mask on.

Laremy Tunsil is a sympathetic figure because his stepdad leaked the video to screw him over

The fact that he has a stepdad in this issue actually works to his favor because I think right away, PR 101, get a stepdad that could somehow screw you over and then be like, yo, my stepdad's a dick. Automatically a sympathetic figure. ... everyone is like, poor Laremy Tunsil, we feel so bad for this guy because of the stepdad factor.

Bruce Arians is building a defensive cartel in the Arizona desert

I think Bruce Arians is building a cartel out in the desert. He's got Tyrann Mathieu, and now he's got Chandler Jones. Can you imagine those defensive meeting rooms? It's going to be like a Star Wars movie theater back in the '70s with all the smoke going up.

Carson Wentz has better long-term prospects than Jared Goff because he can sit for a year

I would look at Wentz's long-term prospects, especially if he can sit the first year and learn... The thing I fear for Goff is being thrown to the wolves right away with huge expectations, big city, new city. The learning curve is going to be very, very fast for him... I would be much happier if I were training a quarterback this year for one of these two teams, if he could sit for a year instead of getting battered. So that's one reason I really like Wentz.

A second major cheating scandal would definitively impact Bill Belichick's Hall of Fame standing

If Bill Belichick were to get caught cheating, doing something like Spygate again, do you think that that would impact his Hall of Fame status down the line? [Peter King]: It'll impact his Hall of Fame status. I mean, he's already got the black mark from Spygate against him from 2007. ... you would have to judge the black marks against Belichick's career with the incredible career that he had.

Stephen A. Smith should argue against a mirror instead of a co-host

I actually think Stephen A. Smith should just argue in a mirror, like a dog looking at itself and barking. How great would that be? If we just put a really clean mirror in front of Stephen A. Smith, we're like, this is your new host, man.

Sam Bradford hasn't earned the right to be a starting quarterback

I can't comprehend where Sam Bradford's coming from to think that he earned the right to be a starting quarterback in the NFL.

Carson Wentz's corny Twitter presence is a major red flag

You got to watch out for guys like this who are just like a little too corny on Twitter. It's like the – it's like – what's it called? Draft Day. Great movie, by the way. What's he hiding?

DeForest Buckner is a top draft prospect because his first name is a verb

If your first name is a verb, I think that's pretty solid. [DeForest Buckner] jumps up to the top of my big board.

Robert Nkemdiche would be a Vine superstar if he landed on a beer pong table when he fell out of a window

If there was a beer pong table that [Robert Nkemdiche] landed on, he'd be a Vine superstar. If anything, he just did it a little too early.

Curt Schilling should jump to Fox Sports and keep his mouth shut

I think if [Curt Schilling] is smart, which he isn't, he ought to jump over to Fox and keep his mouth shut. ... I don't care what he has to say about anything. Why would anybody care what he has to say about anything?

San Diego is 'fake life' and not real life

San Diego is fake life. It's not real life. There's nothing real about San Diego. There are no fat people. I'm pretty sure no one has a job except if you're in the Navy. It's beautiful every single day. Everyone's just relaxed and like cool. There's no edge.

The Chargers should leave San Diego because fans living in paradise don't deserve a team

Just don't – I don't ever want to hear any San Diego fan ever tell me, like, we had a bad loss or boo-hoo, the Chargers are moving. You live in paradise. You don't deserve other things. You have the paradise to live with... I want you to lose the Chargers now.

The best way to get over a hangover is to drink more

My advice, as always, is Pedialyte. Pedialyte tends to work. But most importantly, my advice is to drink a Bloody Mary and then, like, seven beers afterwards. That's what I did this morning. It worked well.

Never plan dinners for a bachelor party

If you're planning a bachelor party, don't plan any dinners. I've never seen a party go from this was fun to just death. You sit down, you eat, and it's just like, okay, now I just want to go to bed.

A 'Hangover Crawl' starting with Pedialyte cocktails and ending in a movie theater would be a million-dollar business

I think it can make a million bucks. We start a hangover crawl, which is like a 1 o'clock meetup... You start out with Pedialyte cocktails, a Bloody Mary. You move on to like a Klonopin bar, some margaritas. Then you go to like a movie theater where you play a boring movie, let people pass out for 90 minutes. Give them an IV... I think that's key.

The NBA first round should return to five-game series

I honestly think they should go back to the five games in the first round. The five-game series just felt more like every game means so much. And if you can win one game, it's like, ooh, maybe they can actually pull this off.

Sean Kemp will definitely be on the show at some point

We're going to get Sean Kemp on the show. That's my guarantee to the Pardon My Take listeners. We will get Sean Kemp on the show somehow, someway, at some point. Guaranteed.

Sam Bradford will not be the Eagles starting quarterback in 2016

I have a feeling [Sam Bradford] won't be [starting]. I know they're saying all the right things now and they can't declare to the world that he's not going to be the starter because what if the guy that they draft ultimately stinks. It wouldn't shock me if they find a way to unload him onto somebody who emerges from the draft without an answer.

Johnny Manziel will never start another five games in the NFL

I'll take under [five more starts] because even if he gets his act together, which first he has to have the epiphany. I just don't think anybody can ever trust him to be a starting quarterback or a backup quarterback.

The only people to ever make Minnesota cool are Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince

It's basically the list of people who have made the state of Minnesota cool are like Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince. That's it.

The pinnacle of celebrity status is when nobody makes jokes about your death on Twitter

That's when you know you've made it. Like, Prince died. Everyone is really sad... Prince is no jokes. There are no jokes. David Bowie was the same way. You don't do jokes when Prince dies. So that's really, like, the pinnacle of celebrity is people don't joke about your death.

Skip Bayless and Curt Schilling are 'bad guys' that sports fans actually need in their lives

You want Skip [Bayless] in your life. Like, you're complaining about him. He's the bad guy. He's like Tony Montana walking through that restaurant, right? You have to have somebody that you point at that's got the shittiest takes that you almost... that you love to hate.

Curt Schilling's move to Fox Sports won't work because they already have too many people doing the same bit

He's probably going to go to Fox Sports, and it's not going to work there because Fox Sports already has a bunch of people that do what he does. Was it going to be him and Jason Whitlock just playing grab ass all day over there? It's not going to be the same as it was at ESPN.

Tiger Woods loses his 'man card' for needing his dad to teach him how to drink water between beers

Tiger Woods, I'm taking your man card, first of all... Asking your dad to teach you how to drink a beer because you puked at a fricking frat party once? Man card again. How many times can I take this man card?

Calvin Johnson is officially retired and will not return to the NFL

I do [think he is officially retired]. After the beating that he's taken... I just think he made enough money. And the NFL is getting to a point where people are realizing how brutal it is... I'm sure after watching a year of it, like I did my first year out, he'll realize he wants no part of that.

Jon Jones' claim of marijuana addiction is a PR move because it's not a real addiction

Jon Bones Jones today came out and said like, yeah, I used to smoke a lot of weed and now I don't anymore. And so now I'm back on the straight and narrow. ... That's just not really an addiction. They're not going to be mad at you. Like that's just... just not really an addiction.

Conor McGregor will transition to the WWE

You saw that the last, what, six people that McGregor has followed on Twitter have all been WWE guys. So is Conor McGregor going to be a wrestler?

Rex Ryan should consider being Donald Trump's Vice President because he won't be coaching the Bills in four years

Rex Ryan might want to consider being Donald Trump's vice president because that's a four year job and there's no way he's going to be coach of the bills in four years.

Donald Trump will choose Carly Fiorina as his running mate to counter Hillary Clinton

My guess would be he goes [Carly] Fiorina if he runs against Hillary Clinton just so he can be like, I'm not sexist. Some of my best running mates are women. He should.

Mike Zimmer would be an ideal Vice President for Donald Trump due to their similar tans and attitudes

My number one will be Mike Zimmer. They've got the same tan. Mike Zimmer's got a no-nonsense type attitude going on. ... He communicates the same way that Donald Trump does, just direct, straightforward.

Bill Belichick would be the best NFL coach to serve as a Vice President

Bill Belichick would be a damn good one, too. Because he actually – Bill Belichick would actually instill confidence in a candidate like Donald Trump, right? You'd be like, well, Donald Trump doesn't know what he's doing, but Bill Belichick does. I mean he knows what he's doing basically anything.

Jeff Fisher is the perfect Vice Presidential candidate because he is consistently mediocre

I think I'm going to have to go with your boy, Jeff Fisher, just because, like, he proves that he is a guy that will stick around. In fact, at the very, very least, if you take Fisher, you're getting an average candidate, right? He's consistent. He's not going to commit any huge gaffes, but he's also not going to win over any votes. So he's basically going to keep your approval numbers exactly what they are. Jeff Fisher's only hole is the glaring hole that he's entirely mediocre.

The Warriors' 73-win record means nothing if they don't win the championship

My thing is, the record, in my opinion, doesn't mean much if they don't win the championship. I think it's one of those things where they have to do both to be recognized as one of the best teams ever because they're both 72 and 10 team won the championship. And if they don't, then I just don't think they're on the same level.

NBA first-round draft picks are losing their value because of the rising salary cap

Cap space isn't near as valuable as it was, first round picks aren't nearly as valuable as maybe they used to be and I think there's definitely a lot of good things within [the process] but it's kind of sad to see the state that franchise has found itself in.

Wearing a headband increases an athlete's vertical jump by four inches

I've always had a theory about headbands too, that headbands increase your vertical jump at least temporarily by about four inches.

Johnny Manziel should go to law school and become his own agent

Johnny Manziel is agentless. He should start going to law school, become his own agent, show that he can be a responsible adult. If Johnny Manziel was like yeah I'm starting night school classes law school night school classes tell me people aren't like wow Johnny really got his act together.

Curt Schilling is deliberately trying to get fired by ESPN

I think Kurt's trying to get himself fired at this point. ... He's pulling, didn't George Costanza do that at one point? I think that's what Schilling's doing. ... He's going to continue down this road if ESPN doesn't fire him.

Big Cat winning the 50-50 raffle would be one of the last great sports stories out there

Big Cat winning the 50-50 raffle is one of the last great sports stories out there. I'm the guy always paying for the 50-50 raffle because I keep telling myself, Oh man, this will be the time I win.

Ice is the great equalizer that allows for upsets in the NHL

It's because ice is the great equalizer. That's the X factor right there. Anytime you get people on slippery substances, you open the door for a big upset, which is why I love the NHL.

Hockey Twitter and NBA Twitter fans are annoying for constantly comparing the toughness of their sports

Hockey Twitter will be like, well, Jonathan Toews said 'we' a bunch... then they'll make like awful memes showing how hard and tough hockey is and how soft and like a bunch of pussies NBA players are. When I think most of us can just say like we kind of enjoy all the sports. I don't really think I should have to choose between one or the other just because someone's able to stay on the ice with a broken leg.

I would rather get punched in the face than get face-washed by a guy with a sweaty hockey glove

The face wash is probably, I would rather get punched in the face than get face-washed by a guy with a sweaty glove.

The NBA's new hustle stats are just a way for Matthew Dellavedova's agent to get him a big payday

Basically it's like—it's Matthew Dellavedova's agent coming up with these stats to try to get Delly a big payday this offseason. Just being in somebody's face for a shot is now a stat.

The NBA will lose its man card if they go to more than one ad on their jerseys

I'm going to take the NBA's man card once they start throwing these. If they go to more than one ad on their jerseys, man card time.

Every person nicknamed Beef in the world is a good time to hang out with

I think every person nicknamed Beef in the world is a good time to hang out with. Now I'm not saying you want them—when Beef comes to visit you, your wife or girlfriend probably rolls her eyes... but Beef is a great time to party with.

Otis Nixon would beat Sid Bream in a race even if Bream had a head start

I think I'm pretty confident in betting that Otis [Nixon] is going to make it around before Sid [Bream] does. [Even if Sid gets started] I still think Otis is going to do it. Sid was not fleet of foot.

The Anaheim Ducks will win the Stanley Cup this year

Man, I'm going to—who do I want to pick? I think Anaheim might get it right this year.

I agree that the Anaheim Ducks will win the Stanley Cup this year

I think Anaheim might get it right this year. [Big Cat]: OK, that's OK. I agree.

Johnny Manziel should buy a house instead of renting to avoid party damage headlines

My PR 101 advice to Johnny would be—this is basic stuff—buy a house, don't rent. Interest rates being what they are these days, you're getting some bad financial advice so just look to buy, don't look to rent.

Someone is going to die from the table-jumping trend

No, somebody's already died. We just have—they just didn't look about it. They deleted the video. So it never got out. [Later] But we all know someone's going to die.