Takes

The 'Rock N Jock' era celebrities would beat current ESPN Celebrity All-Stars

The old rock and jock days of the 90s, the MTV rock and jock days, we would definitely, if you took the best players from then, we would definitely be able to compete with the ESPN celebrity all-star game guys for sure. No doubt. There's not a lot of ball movement with the ESPN guys. It's a very self-centric game.

Tiger Woods should ditch Nike and get sponsored by Champion or Costco

I think it's time for Tiger Woods to ditch Nike because you see Tiger Woods in the Nike and you think of early 2000s... height of his powers. And you're like, why is this guy not the same? I think he needs to be sponsored by, like, Champion... wear the like $9.99 stiff cotton shirts... because then everyone in their brain starts saying, well, we don't expect anything from this Tiger.

You should always throw the first punch against a man named Rugned

Rule of thumb. You always throw the first punch against a guy named Rugned. That's a guy that can't go back. That's a guy that's got nothing to lose right there.

Raptors fans treating every sport like soccer is bizarre

Here's the thing about other countries besides the United States. They treat every sporting event like it's a soccer game. Like they get together in the big town square where you're not allowed to have open containers... there's a lot of scarf wearing going on out there. That's always been a very bizarre thing to me.

The Cubs could win the World Series this year

Do you think the Cubs will ever win a World Series? This could be the year, man. I'm looking forward to the All-Chicago World Series this year. I like that. That would be something special.

If Steph Curry loses in the finals, the public will turn on him and call him a fraud

Everybody rooted for him last year because he was the skinny kid... Now he's so confident in his abilities, people are starting to turn on him. If he loses in the playoffs or in the finals, they're going to be like, I guess he couldn't hang with the big boys. Guess he's a fraud.

Olympic cancellation rumors are just a PR stunt to remind people the Olympics are happening

I swear to God, they pretend it's canceled the Olympics every Olympics just to remind us the Olympics are coming... how else do you pump everyone up for the Olympics in the beginning of May?... Their whole PR 101 is they just remind you it's happening by scaring the fuck out of everyone.

Tim Duncan will never actually retire; he will just keep showing up to the gym through inertia

There's a chance that Tim Duncan just forgets to retire and just by like... through inertia, he keeps showing up at the gym. I think that's more likely than him actually retiring. The last thing I would ever expect is for Duncan to do like an announcement before the season and then play the rest of the season. No way. Duncan just wants to sit at home when he's not playing basketball and not be bothered by anybody.

The 2017 NBA Finals will be the Celtics vs. the Warriors

I got Celtics and Warriors. Kevin Durant and Isaiah Thomas are going to be a serious force to be reckoned with.

The 2022 World Cup Final will be Germany vs. Brazil

I'm going to say Germany versus Brazil [for the 2022 Men's World Cup].

The 2022 World Cup Final will be Argentina vs. Spain

I'm going to go Argentina-Spain [for the 2022 Men's World Cup].

The Sharks will beat the Blues in the Western Conference Finals

[The Sharks] need to beat the Blues, and I need to have that Sharks-Lightning finals so that we can just pretend the Stanley Cup didn't happen this year.

LeBron James is the most valuable player in the NBA, regardless of who wins MVP

I would say LeBron should be the MVP this year, though. He is the most valuable player in the NBA. That's a fact. Well, I guess we got to get into a debate over what valuable means.

Alexander Ovechkin deserves the heat for the Capitals failing in the playoffs

If you want to be a top player in any league, you're going to get this heat. It just happens... It happened to Peyton Manning. It's happened to A-Rod. If you don't win and you're supposedly a star, you're going to get the heat.

Brian Windhorst is in LeBron James' doghouse for not voting him MVP

Windhorst didn't vote for LeBron. How dumb is Windhorst? That's his meal ticket... He was like, someone will vote for LeBron, and I can just tell LeBron it was me. And then no one voted for LeBron.

The NBA deserves bad officiating because they retired the great iconoclasts like Joey Crawford

Joey Crawford's retirement is one of the darkest moments in what has been a pretty lackluster season... Officiating in the NBA was better with two guys who knew what they were doing... now they get Scott Fosters. Now they get Tony Brothers. They deserve it. They deserve to have nothing but crappy officiating from now until the end of time.

I side with Darren Rovell over Dana White

Ravel and Dana White are in a fight, which is the nerd and the jock. I obviously side with Ravel here. It seems as though he's in the right.

Mother's Day on social media is just a contest to see who can love their mom the hardest

The Mother's Day in the social media era is basically who can love their mom the hardest and tweet about loving their mom... It's become a big contest.

The Jaguars are definitely going to make some noise this season

I think we're definitely going to make some noise. Yeah, you know... we're looking forward to making some noise this year.

JJ Watt grunts and moans while chasing quarterbacks

No, [JJ Watt] is not a big talker at all. Like it's kind of – you kind of just – you hear him like grunting and moaning behind you as he's coming. He just makes noises, really.

Newspaper guys only use Twitter to complain at airlines

Newspaper guys also love to complain about airlines. That's actually, like, the only reason newspaper guys have Twitter accounts, so that they can tweet at the airlines. And also, all their Twitter accounts, it's their stock photo from the newspaper picture day in 1992.

Heidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Challenge

Feidelberg and I were the first two people in America to accept the Ice Bucket Water Challenge. ... If you just challenge and no one accepts it, then it never works. ... Feidelberg and I were the only ones who did it right away. We started the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Always be wary of an 'offensive genius' coach

The offensive mind, always be wary of the offensive mind. That's actually a good motto in life. Mark Trestman's another one. Always be wary of the offensive genius. I'd rather a defensive guy than an offensive guy any day of the week.

The only weakness for the 2016 Cubs is that they are still the Cubs

The thing that scares me is the only weakness I can find on this Cubs team is that we're still the Cubs. ... It will be all-time heartbreak.

Sudden Breaking News will be running faster than any other horse at the finish line

There's a horse... his name is Sudden Breaking News. I promise you, he may not win, he may not finish second, he may not finish third. But when the horses cross the finish line, he'll be running faster than any horse in the race.

Dave Portnoy will live to be 120 years old out of pure spite

Dave, everything will say Dave should die, and then he'll probably live to be like 120 because he's a motherfucker. ... He'll complain every single day for the rest of his life to 120, but he'll live to 120.

The English Premier League's relegation is the greatest rule in all of sports

The English Premier League has the greatest rule in all of sports with relegation. Every other league should have relegation. The fact that they have relegation trumps all.

Chris Bosh is a first-ballot Hall of Famer because the Basketball Hall of Fame lets everyone in

The Basketball Hall of Fame lets in basically anyone who played basketball for more than 10 years. So Bosh is a first ballot then. There's really no rhyme or reason... 50% of the basketball world is a Hall of Famer.

Kickers and punters are not actual people

Kickers are not people. We can get Pat McAfee on here right now. Kickers are not people. I love kickers. Kickers are my boys, but they are not people. They are kickers. Punters... they're in the same boat.

Nebraska football is an unsuccessful program if they aren't playing for championships

I want to see them back. I want to see them, you know, if Nebraska isn't playing for national championships, it's an unsuccessful year.

The Eagles deserve a C+ for their 2016 draft because they didn't move up for a wide receiver

If I had to give the Eagles a draft grade, I would give them a solid C+. Why? Because I strongly feel like even though they traded their picks up and they drafted Carson Wentz, who I think's a fucking G, I feel like they could have made a move and traded up to get into the second round and get a wide receiver.

NFL fans will be tired of Carson Wentz's old tweets by week 4 of his rookie season

Wentz also had a tweet like three years ago that said, I want to kill myself. And it was a tweet that was like in succession with a couple others, so it's a little bit out of context. But every single interception that he throws, every game they lose, you're going to see that. You're going to get pretty sick of that by about week four next year.

Laremy Tunsil's gas mask bong video proves he is mentally tough and has great lung capacity

Twitter, Laremy Tunsil's official verified Twitter account tweets a video of Laremy Tunsil hitting a gas mask bong... Nice lungs on him. If you're scouting him and you're like, damn, that guy can play deep into the fourth quarter. That guy can play at altitude is what it tells me. ... Mentally tough. He's got deep lungs. He can play deep into the fourth quarter.

Bruce Arians is building a defensive cartel in the Arizona desert

I think Bruce Arians is building a cartel out in the desert. He's got Tyran Matthew, and now he's got Chandler Jones. Can you imagine those defensive meeting rooms? It's going to be like a Star Wars movie theater back in the 70s with all the smoke going up.

Carson Wentz has better long-term prospects than Jared Goff because he can sit for a year

I would look at Wentz's long-term prospects, especially if he can sit the first year and learn... The thing I fear for Goff is being thrown to the wolves right away with huge expectations, big city, new city. The learning curve is going to be very, very fast for him... I would be much happier if I were training a quarterback this year for one of these two teams, if he could sit for a year instead of getting battered. So that's one reason I really like Wentz.

Stephen A. Smith should argue against a mirror instead of a co-host

I actually think Stephen A. Smith should just argue in a mirror, like a dog looking at itself and barking. How great would that be? If we just put a really clean mirror in front of Stephen A. Smith, we're like, this is your new host, man.

Sam Bradford hasn't earned the right to be a starting quarterback

I can't comprehend where Sam Bradford's coming from to think that he earned the right to be a starting quarterback in the NFL.

Carson Wentz's corny Twitter presence is a major red flag

You got to watch out for guys like this who are just like a little too corny on Twitter. It's like the – it's like – what's it called? Draft Day. Great movie, by the way. What's he hiding?

Robert Nkemdiche would be a Vine superstar if he landed on a beer pong table when he fell out of a window

If there was a beer pong table that [Robert Nkemdiche] landed on, he'd be a Vine superstar. If anything, he just did it a little too early.

Curt Schilling should jump to Fox Sports and keep his mouth shut

I think if [Curt Schilling] is smart, which he isn't, he ought to jump over to Fox and keep his mouth shut. ... I don't care what he has to say about anything. Why would anybody care what he has to say about anything?

San Diego is 'fake life' and not real life

San Diego is fake life. It's not real life. There's nothing real about San Diego. There are no fat people. I'm pretty sure no one has a job except if you're in the Navy. It's beautiful every single day. Everyone's just relaxed and like cool. There's no edge.

The best way to get over a hangover is to drink more

My advice, as always, is Pedialyte. Pedialyte tends to work. But most importantly, my advice is to drink a Bloody Mary and then, like, seven beers afterwards. That's what I did this morning. It worked well.

Never plan dinners for a bachelor party

If you're planning a bachelor party, don't plan any dinners. I've never seen a party go from this was fun to just death. You sit down, you eat, and it's just like, okay, now I just want to go to bed.

The NBA first round should return to five-game series

I honestly think they should go back to the five games in the first round. The five-game series just felt more like every game means so much. And if you can win one game, it's like, ooh, maybe they can actually pull this off.

Sean Kemp will definitely be on the show at some point

We're going to get Sean Kemp on the show. That's my guarantee to the Pardon My Take listeners. We will get Sean Kemp on the show somehow, someway, at some point. Guaranteed.

Sam Bradford will not be the Eagles starting quarterback in 2016

I have a feeling [Sam Bradford] won't be [starting]. I know they're saying all the right things now and they can't declare to the world that he's not going to be the starter because what if the guy that they draft ultimately stinks. It wouldn't shock me if they find a way to unload him onto somebody who emerges from the draft without an answer.

Johnny Manziel will never start another five games in the NFL

I'll take under [five more starts] because even if he gets his act together, which first he has to have the epiphany. I just don't think anybody can ever trust him to be a starting quarterback or a backup quarterback.

The only people to ever make Minnesota cool are Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince

It's basically the list of people who have made the state of Minnesota cool are like Kirby Puckett, Kevin Garnett, and Prince. That's it.

The pinnacle of celebrity status is when nobody makes jokes about your death on Twitter

That's when you know you've made it. Like, Prince died. Everyone is really sad... Prince is no jokes. There are no jokes. David Bowie was the same way. You don't do jokes when Prince dies. So that's really, like, the pinnacle of celebrity is people don't joke about your death.

Tiger Woods loses his 'man card' for needing his dad to teach him how to drink water between beers

Tiger Woods, I'm taking your man card, first of all... Asking your dad to teach you how to drink a beer because you puked at a fricking frat party once? Man card again. How many times can I take this man card?