Takes

The Commanders actually beat the Eagles in three out of four quarters

I went back, I looked at the tape from last week, 24-8 against the Eagles, the Commanders, they actually only lost one quarter. So as we know it's a game a quarter, much like the NBA. And they lost the second quarter 24 to zero. They won the rest of the quarters cumulatively eight to zero. Sounds like the Commanders really beat the Eagles three times out of four to me.

The Ravens might be fraudulent

I just got baited. Yeah, you take the [over]. The Ravens defense sucks. Their defense, they're really bad. Like I'm, for the first time in my life, I'm considering using the word fraud. I think this Ravens team might be fraudulent. I think their defense is just that bad.

I can survive for three weeks on the streets as a stray dog

How long do you think you could survive on the streets? Like a stray? Three weeks. I'm a warrior. I survived out there.

Daniel Jones has the worst internal clock of any quarterback in NFL history

Being able to actually focus on one game, it reminded me that Daniel Jones has the worst internal clock of any quarterback I've ever seen in my life. He's like just like 10 minutes either ahead or 10 minutes behind. But he is never on schedule.

Dude Perfect's $100 million facility is the official tipping point of the American empire's decline

Dude Perfect is building a hundred million dude facility in somewhere in Texas... I think we're gonna look back on this in the history books... as signs of American decline. Why did this Empire Fall? No, it was [Dude Perfect] building a giant monument to themselves in central Texas to the tune of 150 million. That is the tipping point of our society as a whole.

Being a field goal holder is an easy job that even freshmen can do

I've been a holder. Really? Yeah. When I was like third string quarterback. It's an easy job. If you're a decent, if you're like can catch like they put like freshman as holders.

Wade Boggs and Tony Gwynn might not have had long careers in today's analytics-driven MLB

Man, you just go through the Hall of Fame and just think of how many players because of Launch Angle and exit velocity probably would've never had a long career. Wade Boggs, Tony Gwynn... The job was to get a hit and get on base.

The Seahawks won the Russell Wilson trade because they got Geno Smith

I think it's time to ask the question... who won the Russell Wilson [for] Drew Lock trade? I mean, this is without Drew Lock, there would be no Geno Smith running back right now cooking. Geno is literally writing back to everybody this week... He's sitting down and handwriting letters to everybody that hated him and being like, yeah, you're right. [Geno Smith] just had his wedding and bar mitzvah and also had a kid. That's how many thank you letters he has to write out.

Jalen Hurts is an MVP candidate

That's MVP Jalen Hurts, because we should start that discussion, right Max? Absolutely. I mean, listen, MVP Jalen Hurts. Talk about a guy... Through three games he's over a thousand yards combined, seven touchdowns... Lamar's MVP season, he had 1035 yards, eight touchdowns. So less yards, one more touchdown. Let's start talking about Jalen Hurts being MVP candidate.

Justin Fields is bad and making me sad

Justin Fields. He's bad. I'll just say it, he's bad. And actually, I don't even have to say it myself because he said it. He said he played like ass. He played like trash... This is a bad two in one bears team... History is just in a sick fucking way repeating itself where there's a terrible bears quarterback link to this abysmal stat of a lack of completions through three games... I think he's actually taken over for the Josh Rosen stat line. It hurts so bad.

The Packers will probably win the Super Bowl and it's a nightmare

I'm officially like Packers will probably win the Super Bowl and my worst nightmares will come true... I am officially nervous about the Packers because their defense is legit. And I was looking at their schedule and I'm even more nervous because it feels like they have a four game stretch here where they're gonna just get to figure shit out offensively.

A Browns Super Bowl win with Deshaun Watson would be the most hated of all time

What if the Browns go to the Super Bowl and Deshaun Watson is the quarterback... America hates this shit out of them. It should be their moment, their crowning moment of like this team has never won a Super Bowl... and you win the most hateable Super Bowl of all time.

Ime Udoka's suspension from the Celtics is a messy, public drama nightmare

My Fyre Fest besides the Celtics coach getting suspended for a year... for what? Disgustingly messy public drama. Yeah, that sucks. The only crime he did was his dick was too hard.

New York is a bad sports town because Yankees fans celebrate team records too much

This is embarrassing that [Yankees fans] are celebrating this hard when they just went down from four to three in the bottom of the ninth. Are the Yankees a bad sports town? Yes... I just don't get all the hoopla around it... Whatever, it's a team record. He's going for a team record.

The Bills and Eagles will play in the Super Bowl

I don't wanna overreact PFT, but the bills and Eagles are playing in the super bowl.

The Vikings are a bad sports town for not retiring Randy Moss's number

Minnesota, what the fuck are you doing? Not retiring Randy Moss's number... The fact that you have someone a, a tight end wearing 84, Randy Moss's number. I don't wanna say it Hank, but bad sports town. That's a bad sports town move to not retire one of the greatest wide receivers of all time.

Urban Meyer would win a national championship at Nebraska

Urban Meyer at Nebraska. I I'm confidently saying they will be in a college football playoff. And I would say, if he stays there, if you told me he's staying there for 10 years, I'd say they'd win a national championship. He's that good of a coach?

Marcus Freeman might not be a good coach

Marcus Freeman's in trouble a little bit, a little bit. He might not be a good coach. I'm actually gonna say that. He's not.

The Beyond Meat COO bit a man's nose because he craved real animal protein

My hot seat is beyond meat. The COO. Yes. Of beyond meat after the Arkansas, Missouri game bit a guy's nose in a parking lot. And that's just a class example of a guy craving real animal protein.

Frank Reich is officially on the hot seat and could be the first coach fired

I think Frank Reich is officially on the hot seat... nothing tells you that more than the quotes that he had after the game... I don't know what—I do think Frank Reich is now up there for coach to be fired first.

The Bears should run the triple option because nobody can defend it in pro football

The Bears should run the triple option. People would not be able to defend the triple option... you can't tell me that teams would want to play the triple option in pro football.

Justin Herbert is to blame for the pick-six because he should have known Gerald Everett was gassed

I'm gonna blame Justin Herbert for that pick-six and not [Gerald] Everett, because he should have known that Everett was tired and asking out of the game and he should have gone to somebody else. If Justin Herbert's the guy that he's supposed to be... then he needs to be able to make the decision to go somewhere else with that ball and not to your receiver who's puking all over himself.

Jeff Bezos hates fat people, poor people, and people with weak bladders

I'm pretty confident in saying Jeff Bezos hates fat people. He hates poor people. It's people who have like weak bladders, he hates. There's a lot of people that Jeff Bezos finds disgusting. That's a fact.

The Commanders have a top three receiving core in the NFL

I think about the Commanders... I think they have a top three receiving core in the NFL. I think it's like, it's that fucking good.

Russell Wilson's former Seahawks teammates are relieved he is gone because he was annoying to be around

I've gotta take about the Seahawks. It's about the players themselves. Not having Russ Wilson around anymore. I think they're kind of relieved. Oh dude. I think that it's like a weight off their shoulders. Not having to worry about like plugging Russ in, in the locker room, making sure that his software's up to date... He made the team competitive for 10 years. And to a certain extent, you have to pretend to like a guy like that when he's in the locker room... once a guy like that leaves the weight off your shoulders is just enormous. Now you're like, oh shit, Geno Smith is a normal person.

Jerry Jones secretly likes it when his starting quarterbacks get hurt because it creates more storylines for the Cowboys

I, in a sick way, I kind of think that Jerry Jones almost likes it when his starting quarterbacks hurt. Yeah. Because it, it, it keeps them in the news the entire time. That's true. And Jerry Jones can go on the, on the radio every week and be like, yeah, I'm expecting Dak to be back next week. And then that's another week of storylines about the Dallas Cowboys.

Josh Allen is the best quarterback in the NFL

For me, and the reason that some of these guys really bug me and the reason that I love a guy like Josh Allen... this is the reason that I think Josh Allen is the best quarterback in the NFL... we've got the talent. He's also the dude that sits in the locker room and he's just a dude. He can just be the Carson Palmer for me when I was young... if the leader of your football team can do that and is that human being, then it just resonates with everybody and sets a tone in the building.

Tom Brady has zero respect for me and has refused to shake my hand after games

I've told this story before, but he just pisses me off because you're in Buffalo... and we finally in 2011 knocked him off... and he threw five interceptions in the game... run straight off. Like no handshake, no, you know, quarterback middle of the field... just ran straight off. So it just, it bothered me so much because there was no respect there. And so I was like, every time I played him, after that, I was like, all right, like I at least got like, let's make this dude respect me.

Mike McCarthy is trying to get fired so Jerry Jones can hire Sean Payton

I think [McCarthy] has been trying to get fired for a while now. And he's doing everything that you would do if you were a coach trying to get fired, knowing that Jerry Jones is just gonna hire Sean Payton probably already has a handshake deal.

Patrick Mahomes is the best physical quarterback in NFL history

I think we talked to Jules about that. It's like, wait, we haven't really said his name at all and he's probably the best quarterback physically in the history of the NFL.

Derek Carr has the worst internal clock and is the most sackable QB in the league

I think he's the most sackable quarterback in the league right now... Derek Carr, the more time he has, the more dangerous it gets for Derek Carr. He's like, oh, I have all this time. I'm gonna do something really fucked up. Really stupid.

Texas is 'back' following their performance against Alabama

I'm counting Texas's back because their defense played better than they played... And if Quinn Ewers doesn't get hurt, they win that game. I'm convinced of it.

The Raiders will win the AFC West

Raiders are winning the AFC west. I'm a believer in the ecosystem that they have over there. I think Derek Carr is, I think he's a good football player... with McDaniels and you know, Davante Adams going over there... They got Waller. They got Hunter Renfrow. Who's a stud... their offense is really good.

Brian Kelly already regrets moving to LSU

You can see the look in his eye. He's already thinking to himself, like I fucked up, I made the wrong decision. I don't know what I'm doing down here.

The Denver Broncos will be the most disappointing team in the AFC in 2022

The Broncos will be the most disappointing team I'm and, and it's not because of Russell Wilson... I think their offensive line has issues and, and they have a couple other issues on defense.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers will disappoint and miss out on winning the NFC South

I think the Bucs are gonna be a little disappointing... I don't think they're gonna win the division... Brady when he has interior pressure... he doesn't move that well. And he really doesn't like it... I think Tampa might be the going in the wrong direction team.

The LA Rams over 10.5 wins is the biggest bet anyone should ever make

Rams over 10 and a half should be the biggest bet anyone's ever made in their life... over 10 and a half on the Rams is stealing money. Stealing cash. I mean, why even talk about it? It's like stealing fucking money.

Gene Chizik should be fired as North Carolina's defensive coordinator

Gene Chizik, like what? He, I don't even know. I, you have to fire him. The fact that it happened [giving up 40 in a quarter] and then the next day Jackson state... shut down [FAMU] and like UNC gave up 24 points to them.

Tom Brady will win Gisele back by winning another Super Bowl

I think you have to take the Bucs for the season because if we know anything about Tom Brady, he's like, I'm gonna win her back by winning another Super Bowl.

Georgia is better than they were last year

I think Georgia is better than last year's team. I came into this season, thinking Alabama and Ohio State, one of them is going to win the national title... After what I saw on Saturday, I suddenly think that Georgia's probably right up there with those two.

Drake Maye is an upgrade over Sam Howell

I think Drake Maye, their new quarterback, is really good... I think that he's just, he's probably an upgrade over Sam Howell, no offense. I know that he's with your Commanders now, but I think that they've got a better quarterback now.

Patrick Mahomes will regret the 10-year contract he signed with the Chiefs

As first reported on Pardon My Take, I think the day that Patrick Mahomes signed his contract, he's going to regret that contract in like three years.

The Mets are going to win the World Series

Now it's like, they're going to win. They're going to win the championship. After that [Timmy Trumpet performance], I was like, the Mets are going to win the championship.

The Mets will lose a deciding playoff game during a live Timmy Trumpet performance

I'm seeing a future where in like the second round of the playoffs and in the NLCS they lose the deciding game on a Timmy Trumpet performance... that would be the optimal end for their season.

The Denver Broncos will be an offensive powerhouse in 2022

I believe the Broncos are going to have a pretty epic season. I think it's going to be an offensive powerhouse. I also have a theory about the Broncos because the air is thin up there, they just air it out... and Wilson is just throwing it in the air and the ball travels farther.

Davis Mills and Brandin Cooks will have a breakout year together

I believe Davis Mills who went to Stanford... Davis Mills and Brandin Cooks could have that Braylon Edwards/Derek Anderson year that no one was expecting. They're super cheap. I love a bargain.

Andrew Luck was the best quarterback I ever coached, even just as a rookie

Andrew Luck. Number one. Really? I only had him as a rookie, but he was unbelievable. Skilled wise is off the chart, but mentally he was right there with Peyton and Andrew and Tom.

The Eagles will not make the Super Bowl this year

We had Aaron Schatz come on the show and he picked the Eagles to go to the Super Bowl this year. I'm saying, I don't see that happening. I think Jalen Hurts is good. I think he'll take another step. I don't think that step is going to be to the Super Bowl.

The Cowboys will make the Super Bowl out of the NFC

On the NFC side, oh man, I think I'm going to go... I'll go to the Dallas Cowboys, put them in a Super Bowl. I'll go on Twitter and whoever reads this is going to kill me.

Either Russell Westbrook or Patrick Beverley will be gone from the Lakers by mid-season

This is going to be the team that will absolutely implode. It's going to be incredible. Like Russell Westbrook and Patrick Beverley there, that's the very definition of like, there's only room for one of those two guys. Like one of those guys is going to be gone by mid season. There's no question about it.