Takes

I am 'mojacked' than Tyrann Mathieu

I think I'm definitely mojacked than Tyrann. I respect the fact that you said that. I'm actually glad you said it, but I don't think he would agree. I feel I would get squashed in an instant, but...

I could beat up a kangaroo in a fight

Do you think I could fight a kangaroo and beat him up? stand up for me I'm like I'm six two big boy two 40 50 whatever i also can crush wind pipes pretty easily yeah.

I will have a visible six-pack by the end of the summer

I'll have a six pack. You will never have a six pack. Yes, I will. All right. Great. How much time? Give me a month. By the end of the summer. Six pack summer. You're going to have a visible six pack? Yes. No chance.

LeBron James is not a great dunker because he doesn't hang on the rim

This is why LeBron James is not a great dunker, in my opinion. You have to hang on to the rim for just like a split second. You've got to make the rim move... Sometimes he acts like the rim is like a hot oven rack. He just taps it and pulls his hand away.

MLB is incompetent for banning sticky substances in the middle of the season

The spider attack controversy that they knew about forever and decided, hey, we're going to now start punishing people. They went zero tolerance policy... Tyler Glasnow... is basically saying he got injured because of it... Good job, MLB. You really fucking did it again, you idiots.

The Phoenix Suns will beat the Clippers in four games if they meet in the Western Conference Finals

If it does go to Clippers versus Suns, I think we have a real chance of Suns in four again.

The internal culture of the Washington Football Team under Bruce Allen was not 'damn good'

Sure, you can watch that clip when [Bruce Allen] says the culture's damn good, but our culture wasn't damn good. It just is what it is... Top floor, bottom floor, all of it, it wasn't that good.

The Colorado Avalanche were the greatest team to never win a Stanley Cup

The Avalanche were the greatest team to never win a Stanley Cup. Yep. I like that. I mean, lamed out... we were told the Avalanche were just going to shit-pump everybody.

I invented the wrap sandwich in 1981

A couple of the really school reporters up there decided that they'd get their friends at the Wall Street Journal to do a national search to find out who had a wrap sandwich on the menu before 1981. And guess what? They couldn't find anyone. And they said I invented the wrap.

I saw a UFO above Shea Stadium and another over the Colorado River

I saw a UFO once... I believe you. I saw one during a press conference. Yeah, and we stopped at Chase [Shea] Stadium. Everyone looked, everyone pointed. I said to the press, 'Did you see that?'... I think there's stuff up there.

Aaron Rodgers might move to Ecuador and go off the grid entirely

I think there's something telling me that [Rodgers] might just go off the grid entirely. Like Aaron Rodgers might just not show up on a football field ever again. He might move to Ecuador and go live out in the rainforest with Shailene Woodley.

Car dealerships are all bullshit and haven't changed in years

The car dealerships have never changed. They advertise what they do, but it's all bullshit... I really believe if I went into one of these dealerships, not so much that I could sell cars, but I could show them what the fuck is wrong with what you're doing.

Guy Fieri should be America's mascot

[Guy Fieri] is everything that we thought the bald eagle would be. I just think if you're cheering against whatever team Guy Fieri's cheering for, then you're essentially rooting against Flavor. He's Drake's Wario. He's the good version of a bandwagon fan.

Giannis Antetokounmpo is no more than a 1B option

The hot takes now are... Giannis is no more than a 1B. He can't ascend to the next level. The Bucs have hit the wall that they've hit every single year. I tend to believe there's some truth in that, but it's more that the Nets are so much better than we're giving them credit for.

Blake Bortles could be the starting quarterback for the Green Bay Packers this year

I have a prediction, Big Cat. I'm in the prediction business. I think that Blake Bortles could be the starting quarterback of the Green Bay Packers this year. Right now, Jordan Love, it seems like he's more valuable to the Packers as an asset.

Jeff Bezos will disable his companies while in outer space to prank Earth

I think the Earth's actually in the hot seat for all that because it's bad news whenever the richest person on Earth decides to leave for a little bit. what better there will never be a better time for jeff bezos to disable all of his companies that we depend on for everything than when he's in outer space with his brother pissed off at his ex-wife.

I am officially counting LeBron James out

So, well, let's just do a quick straw poll. Are you counting [LeBron] out? ... I want to count him out. Yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to count him out.

The Titans' Music City Miracle was definitely a forward pass

I was standing there on the sideline, you know, right across from where they were making the play, where he was throwing the ball forward. So I still thought when they scored, I thought they, you know, they're going to call it back... threw it from behind the line and the guy caught it in front of a line. So I don't see how it couldn't have been forward.

The Montreal Canadiens aren't actually good, they just have a hot goalie

I think Montreal isn't good. They have an amazing goalie [Carey Price] who's hitting his stride at the right time... it's like they get goaltenders that get hot and then the magic of the Canadians jersey they end up winning games... the Canadiens will get into the probably final four and then just get shit pounded by Vegas or the Avalanche.

LeBron James quit on his team in Game 5

So game five, he quit on his team. I mean, I don't know how you could see it otherwise. He left the game with five minutes and 40 feet, left the bench.

Coach K is retiring because he doesn't want to deal with the NIL era

Maybe it was because recruiting, recruiting. Maybe it was because they got a new athletic director... maybe because the likeness, you know, the players actually get paid. So paying them under the table isn't going to have the same effect.

The Hawks will beat the Sixers in the second round because of Joel Embiid's injury

They don't have Joel Embiid because he can't stay fucking healthy ever. And they're going to get boat raced by the Hawks in the second round and not make the Eastern Conference Finals again. That's my opinion.

This is the week Aaron Rodgers finally gets traded by the Packers

I'm going to do this every week until it comes true. I'm going to predict that this is the week that Aaron Rodgers gets traded. Okay. So, and if it doesn't happen this week, I will do it next week and give me credit when that happens.

Jimmy Butler is not a top 15 player in the NBA

I've long said that Jimmy Butler is not a top 15 player in the NBA. He doesn't look at all like he did last year. I don't know what the difference is.

Bryson DeChambeau's U.S. Open win is a 'Mickey Mouse' major championship

Also Bryson, he has a Mickey Mouse U.S. Open. Can we admit that? Oh, here's something I'll just throw out there. It's a Mickey Mouse major championship. There are no fans.

Coach K will do a farewell tour next season

Tate [Frazier] put it in my ear that Coach K is going to do a farewell tour this year... He definitely has sources. He has people that said there's a plan in place. ... All he really wanted to do was outlast Roy [Williams]. Roy retired.

The Clippers must blow it all up if they lose their first-round series

You have to figure it out because you know what happens if they lose the series? You got to blow it all up. You got to trade Paul George. Everybody. Trade everyone.

No visor quarterback will ever win a Super Bowl

We know that a visor quarterback will not win a Super Bowl... No visor quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl, just a heads up.

The Milwaukee Bucks will win the 2021 NBA Championship

I'm going to go with – I know this is going to be crazy... I got Milwaukee in the finals for me... And then at the end, said and done, Milwaukee's walking away with it.

Ben Simmons is the greatest basketball player who cannot score of all time

He went six points, 15 rebounds, 15 assists. He might be the greatest basketball player who cannot score of all time. He's broken the game. He can't score. You would think that it would be impossible for a guy that is bad at shooting to be an elite basketball player. But he's somehow figured out a way to be insanely good at basketball while also not scoring points.

The Lakers money line in Game 2 against the Suns is the lock of my lifetime

I responsibly, 1-800-GAMBLER, if you have a problem, I think the Lakers game two is the lock of my lifetime. I think LeBron will answer. And AD, like we said, he forgets that he's a seven-footer. He thinks he's a mouse. He's an elephant. The Lakers will be fine in this series, and LeBron will start dominating, and it will all be for naught.

The Suns will win their first-round series against the Lakers

I disagree with you. I think the Suns are going to win. I think they're going to win the series. I've just been down this path too many times. It's just too many times for LeBron to give up game one and to be like, oh, there it is.

It should be easier to hit a shot if you are seeing three hoops like LeBron James claimed

Actually, if we're actually going into LeBron's brain and seeing through his eyes, shouldn't that make it easier to hit the shot if there are three hoops? It should have counted. he said he shot at the one in the middle. It went in the one in the middle.

The Celtics would beat the 76ers if they matched up in the 2021 playoffs

If we were playing the Sixers, we'd beat them. I'll say that right now. If we were playing the Sixers, we'd beat them.

Throwing no-hitters is 'choogy' and uncool now

I actually think that throwing no-hitters have gotten, it's like choogy now. Yeah. It's like kind of overdone. It's lame. seriously, like no hitters are lame now. no, these are not cool and guys strike out too much.

Society needs guys like Tony La Russa to protect unwritten rules

I just want to remind people, because I saw the public outcry against Tony La Russa, and I get it, but I want to remind people, If you chase off every single guy who is holding up the unwritten rules, eventually society will crumble. You need the old guy yelling at clouds. You need the Tony La Russa being like, that was Bush League for his own team.

Tim Tebow is a shysty guy who is all about himself

There could be a chance that Tebow is just a really shysty guy. It's all about himself.

The Wizards could beat the Brooklyn Nets in the first round of the NBA playoffs.

I think that if the Wizards beat the Celtics, if they end up matching up against the Nets, I think that the Wizards could actually beat the Nets in the first round.

If the Nets reach the NBA Finals before the Celtics do, they officially won the Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett trade.

The Nets have a chance to possibly get to the finals or win the NBA championship. Would they have officially won the trade with the Celtics when they traded all those guys and they got all the picks back because the Nets would be in the finals before the Celtics were?

If you cannot fly, you do not count as a bird.

I know it's technically a bird, but if you can't fly, you're not a bird... That'd be like pointing at a bus and being like, look at that airplane. Just call penguins what they are. They're buses.

When trailing by 14 points, you should kick the extra point rather than go for two based on 'manalytics'.

I would rather kick the extra point, and now I'm at the end of the game, and where are we at? Are we worn out? Are we tired? And let's go for two then... I get the whole point of it... but my God, tell me where we're at in the game.

Crocodiles are easier to defeat on land than cobras because they cannot move laterally.

I actually think I'd have more trouble with the cobra than I would a crocodile. It's at foot level, so it's perfect kicking... I would just run around it to its back and then just fucking get him from behind. He can't move laterally.

Medina Spirit will almost certainly be disqualified from the Kentucky Derby

If the split sample comes back, the second sample that Baffert is sending out to verify the presence of beta-methasone in the horse's system, if it comes back positive, the horse is going to be disqualified almost certainly from the Kentucky Derby... I feel pretty confident in saying that the horse will probably be disqualified.

The medication in Medina Spirit's system made zero difference in the Kentucky Derby outcome

The amount of beta-methasone that he had in his system absolutely positively in my opinion and according to the opinion of some of the top veterinarians that I've talked to made zero difference whatsoever in the way the horse ran in the derby. It was one one millionth of a gram... There's no way that it had any impact at all on the way he ran.

The public should wear masks for one more week to cover my cold sore

My Fyre Fest is masks off, which is great, but I'm getting a cold sore right now... this is the worst possible time ever... I think that we should do one more week. If we just go masks one more week, I think that'll be perfect timing.

Free Bob Baffert

Either way, free Bob Baffert. There's a lot of things wrong with horse racing. Bob Baffert isn't one of them.

I am the best person in the Barstool office at table tennis

The moment Hank had an opportunity to say I was no longer the best, he would have ran away with it. So I knew if I lost back-to-back... But I knew I'm 12-2 now. I'm the best freaking one here.

Mike Trout is the greatest baseball hitter in the history of the sport

He is the greatest player I've ever seen. I was kind of arguing with my dad. I was telling him he might be the best hitter in the history of baseball and he didn't agree with me... Yes, he is the greatest of at least our era.

Pantsing someone so their 'dick and balls' flop out is the height of comedy

A pants, when you can get the underwear as well. And the person's Dick and balls flop out is the height of comedy... bend your knees and crab walk the court. Kings of comedy tour. It would just be people getting pants and puking farting too.

LeBron James is laying the groundwork for the greatest underdog story ever with his injury excuses

LeBron James is laying the groundwork for one of the greatest underdog stories of all time... LeBron James came back from his ankle injury. Bron James said, on his first game back... getting back to 100% is impossible. I don't think I'll ever be back to 100% in my career. Poor little LeBron James is just out there.