Takes

Musical artists like Bon Jovi should only play the hits and not new stuff

John [Bon Jovi]'s like, what do you think of the new stuff? And I'm like, what new stuff? ... I tell people this all the time. Play the hits. Give the people what they want. You get on a treadmill. I don't want to listen to new stuff.

Colton Underwood from The Bachelor is not actually a virgin

I received corroborating evidence in the form of a screenshot from someone's camera roll showing that they had that Snapchat that Colton sent back in 2014... I think that dick's been soaked before.

The Rams were the equal to or better than the Saints in the NFC Championship

I feel like the better team won... maybe it's not better team won, but they couldn't have been more equal in my mind. So I'm not feeling like it was this huge travesty and one team that really didn't deserve to get there got there.

Saints fans should sue the NFL for 'loss of enjoyment of life' after the NFC Championship no-call

The Saints ticket holder lawsuit against Roger Goodell in the NFL. Mental anguish and emotional trauma. Loss of faith in the NFL. That's fantastic. Loss of enjoyment of life. I actually like that... When your team loses like that in the playoffs, just cross off the next three months of your life.

If you rebranded Fyre Fest and put it back out there in two years, people would buy tickets again

I think you could just basically take all the marketing material from Fyre Fest and in two or three years rebrand it and put it back out there and people would buy again. I would, I want to go right now.

There is a 75% chance Tom Brady retires if the Patriots win the Super Bowl

Put a percent chance that if the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, Tom Brady says, I'm off. I'm done. I'm riding off in the sunset John Elway style. [Hank]: 75%? It would be the ultimate way to go out. I hope he does.

UCLA should hire a young coach who cares about the school rather than Rick Pitino

I think for UCLA it's actually a golden opportunity for them to be smart like the Rams, right? Go get a young dude who cares... who wants to be there for a long time... [Big Cat]: Rick Pitino? [Baron Davis]: No... If you want hookers in the locker room, this is L.A. Imagine what he was doing in Louisville... We don't need Rick Pitino, man.

The missed pass interference call against the Saints was retribution for Bounty Gate

Was that no call in the Saints game, retribution finally for Bounty Gate? [PFT]: I think we can say with confidence, absolutely.

Zion Williamson should drop out of Duke and secure his shoe deal to avoid injury

Zion. Zion can't shoot free throws. ... He will be the number one pick no matter what, probably. So why not just go do it? And he'll make more money on his shoe deal than he will playing basketball. So don't risk that whatsoever. Just leave and get your shoe deal.

The Patriots will win at Arrowhead and the Rams will win at New Orleans

I think both games will be lower scoring than expected, and I think both road teams are winning. I think the Rams are going to go in there and pound the Saints on the ground... [and] I think [the Patriots are] winning the game. I think they're going in the Arrowhead and winning.

Duke is 'finished' because the blueprint to beat them is out.

Duke... finished. I'll tell you why. The blueprint is out on how to beat Duke, and it's twofold. One, make a 55-foot three-pointer at the end of the half... The other thing is piss your pants. Because the blueprint is to have a coach with a little leaky tinkly going down the front string. Jim Boeheim literally pissed on Coach K's name.

Adam Gase is already 'done' with the Jets after his bizarre first press conference.

He had maybe the weirdest, like, I don't even know what it was. His eyes were just darting everywhere. He looked like he was being held hostage. And I don't want to be a complete reactionary... but he's done. He cannot survive in the big city.

Bill Belichick will sign Nick Foles just to berate him for the Super Bowl loss

I actually have a theory about what's going to happen. I think Belichick's going to grab [Nick] Foles. If for nothing else, just so that he can stash him and berate him every day, being like, you son of a bitch, you beat me in the Super Bowl.

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America is the end of civilization

Cody Parkey on Good Morning America... fucking ridiculous... This is the end of our civilization, folks. Everything that we stood on for the longest time, America, what it was founded on, not feeling bad for kickers when they fuck up. Guess what? It's over. You got one job to do.

I'm taking the Chargers to beat the Patriots

I love Phil Rivers in this game. I like their running game. I like their defense... I'm taking the Chargers, baby.

Cliff Kingsbury is overrated in terms of attractiveness

I don't think Cliff Kingsbury is as hot as people are saying he is... wearing sunglasses all the time in pictures is the easiest way to make people think you're more attractive than you really are... I really do think he's got a weird mouth. A little sideways.

Trevor Lawrence is Teddy Bridgewater 2.0

He's like a six-month-old dog... His paws are big. He's got skinny shoulders. He's got skinny hips. Skinny knees. He's like Teddy Bridgewater 2.0.

Calgary's Saddledome is a complete shithole

It's really cool to look at from the outside, but it's a complete shithole. For a current day pro sports arena, it's in the very, very low bottom percentage of that entire list.

Josh McDaniels might be blackballed from NFL head coaching jobs

I think he has to sit out a couple years for what he did to the Colts, don't you? Do you think Josh McDaniels is a blackball case? Put that ahead of Colin Kaepernick.

The Patriots don't have what it takes to win the Super Bowl

Any team from the AFC, I could see winning the Super Bowl, actually. Absolutely. Except for the Patriots. I don't think the Patriots really have what it takes.

The Chargers will beat the Patriots straight up

I'll make you bet straight up. I do think that the Chargers are going to win. There you go. I really do.

If Nick Foles beats the Saints, the Eagles have to keep him and trade Carson Wentz

If Foles pulls it off again, if he's got one more rabbit up his ass that he can pull out in that [Saints] game, then I think that's the point where you have to say, you know what, Carson Wentz is a better quarterback, but we're a better team with Nick Foles, and we just have to accept it and move forward with him.

Antonio Brown will not be traded and will stay with the Steelers

I'm so excited for Antonio Brown to have to stay with the Steelers next year, and it's going to be such a circus... He's staying with the Steelers. I'm guaranteeing it.

LeBron James is the Donald Trump of basketball

LeBron James actually has the exact same take on LeBron James being the goat that you had... LeBron won while he was in Ohio. Won in Florida, both of them. Check, check. They've both got weird hair. Check. Check. LeBron can't win in California. Neither can Trump. Check.

John Gruden loves himself too much to build the Raiders into winners

I think what you're seeing now is that John loves John. It's about John. And, you know, you get rid of Khalil Mack, you get rid of Amari Cooper. Not sure why in the hell you do that because they're two really, really good players, cornerstones you build around... I don't think he can adapt to this player in this day and age right now... He's still about coming in at 3:17 in the morning, writing his own cue cards. He's got to change that. If he can't, he won't be successful.

I could beat some professional golfers on the senior tour

I could beat, not be one, I could beat one [professional golfer]... Trevino, all the old guys... At some point, the father time is on my side. I'm 41... An average round for me, if I go out and just play average, I'll shoot in mid-80s.

I think Notre Dame might beat Clemson because I can't bet on two favorites in the same night

I can't take both favorites, so I'm taking Notre Dame, and I think they might win the game. Solely because of the other game [Alabama-Oklahoma].

Cam Newton should have dove for the fumble in the Super Bowl

What do you think about Cam's business decision? Yeah, I think you just go for the ball, man. Be a team player.

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in the history of sports

The AFC East has consistently sucked worse than any division in any sport in the history of balls. Ever since a ball was invented, no team has had it easier than the Patriots.

Bill Belichick tricked the world into thinking Rob Gronkowski was unhealthy this year

I think that it's a major stay woke that the greatest trick Bill Belichick ever pulled was convincing the world that Rob Gronkowski was unhealthy this year so he's just been playing possum.

Mike Tomlin is in his 'Les Miles season' where his luck has run out

This is his [Tomlin's] Les Miles season. You can be a shitty coach that makes bad decisions but gets lucky and you'll be fine. But the second your luck runs out, then everyone realizes how shitty you are. In the last four games, all their luck has gone away. I feel like this might be the end for Tomlin.

Nick Foles is the greatest quarterback of all time

Nick Foles is the greatest quarterback of all time. I think that's fair. What, did he have four touchdowns today? He was amazing. He was incredible.

Losing Josh Gordon makes the Patriots focus more and gives them a playoff advantage

Luckily, they— Everyone's saying that [they're done]. So it's basically they just have to dig deep, worry about coaching, and worry about fundamentals, which is where they have the advantage over every other team. And so losing Josh Gordon and knowing that Gronk might not be healthy, it's like, all right, everyone has to focus extra and then execute in the playoffs.

If the Texans get a first-round bye, they will go to the Super Bowl

I firmly believe that if the Texans get a bye, they will probably go to the Super Bowl. If they don't, no.

The 2018 Bears defense is statistically better in every category than the 1985 Bears

What I found was this team [2018 Bears] is statistically better in every single defensive category than the 1985 Chicago Bears. This is the best defensive team that Chicago has ever seen.

I would rather be able to dunk than suck my own dick

Which would you rather do? [Dunk or suck your own dick]. For me, it's a no-brainer. I'd rather dunk. Yeah, I would dunk.

LeBron James would be the best netball player in the world right now

How long do you think it would take for LeBron James to be the best netball player in the world? Probably he is right now already.

The Chicago Bulls are viewed as a 'joke' around the NBA

Nick Friedell is our insider today... He said, around the league, when you go around and talk to people, the word they use talking about the Chicago Bulls is a joke.

I would not swap Mitchell Trubisky's contract for Aaron Rodgers' right now

Big Cat, would you trade Mitchell Trubisky for Aaron Rodgers right now if you had to swap contracts? No. No. If we had to swap contracts, it would be over the cap. You don't read the fucking cap, idiot. I'm a fucking capologist.

The Eagles cannot go back to Carson Wentz if Nick Foles runs the table and makes the playoffs

If Nick Foles runs the table here and the Eagles get into the playoffs and let's say he wins a game or two, how can you go back to Carson Wentz? This guy, like, that was a game 13.5-point underdogs. Everyone said the Eagles season was over. He's throwing jump balls to Alshon Jeffrey. He's getting the offense going.

Tom Brady's age is finally starting to catch up to him

I think there's a lot of factors in play. Brady might be—age might be catching up to him. [Big Cat: Are you worried?] Yes.

I could throw for more than 57 yards in a regular NFL game

If you gave me a Nerf ball, I'd throw for more than 57 yards. [PFT: In an NFL game?] In an NFL game. I actually, you know what? Fuck it. I'd throw for more than 57 yards with a regular ball. I'd be a gunslinger. I'd just throw it every play. Really what I'd just do is screen pass, screen pass, screen pass.

Patrick Mahomes is getting a little too cute with his play style

I think sometimes [Mahomes] gets a little too cute. I think a little too cute. He throws a lot of left-handed passes. ... You know what bothers me is every time there's a penalty, he points way too fast that it's on the other team.

If I am ever on fire, do not piss on me to put it out

I want to say for the record, if I'm ever on fire, don't piss on me. No, just remind me to stop, drop, and roll. It's not going to help unless you're Peter North and have a stream like a fire hose. It's not going to put out the fire. You're just going to be pissing on me as I burn to death.

Tiger Woods will win every major championship next year

I'm a Tiger guy. I want Tiger to win every tour major championship next year, but if it's not Tiger, I want Patrick Reed just to piss everyone off.

Mike Tomlin gets fired if the Steelers miss the playoffs

I think Mike Tomlin gets fired if they don't make the playoffs.

Adam Ottavino could strike out Babe Ruth every single time

Adam Ottavino says that he can strike out Babe Ruth every single time. Well, he definitely can right now, Babe Ruth's dead body... [But seriously] Adam Ottavino, I agree. Well, I definitely think so.

The Browns are going to make the playoffs

The Browns are going to make the playoffs. I'm looking at it too, and you know what season it is. It's playoff machine season on ESPN... I've been running the scenarios, crunching the numbers. They're not [the Packers] going to make the playoffs... But you know who is going to make the playoffs? The Browns.

Kirk Cousins is just Case Keenum in a tuxedo

Now, what he is, is Case Keenum in a tuxedo. He is the nicest looking version of Case Keenum that you can put together.

Gen Z is ruining the reputation of millennials

Gen Z should get more crap on the internet than millennials... Gen Z is 1995 to 2008... You guys are the ones who are actually fucking everything up because you guys are like the 18-year-olds, the bratty 18 to 22-year-olds... You're the ones who are fucking it up for the millennials. You're giving us a bad name.