Takes

Predicts Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will get divorced

I saw a lot of people tweeting like, oh, my God... they love each other. I can't wait for them to get divorced. It's going to be awesome. I hope she takes them for all of Sussex.

Steph Curry is definitely hurt because he's incapable of having a bad game otherwise

Oh, he's definitely hurt. Because there's no way that Steph Curry could have a bad game. No, this is Steph Curry we're talking about. He doesn't play bad. If he plays bad, it's because he's got a messed up MCL or an ankle injury.

The CHL Fortnite addiction story is a hoax created by an old-school GM

I'm a little bit woke on this... I'm a little bit woke that some grumpy Canadian GM was like, all these kids are playing their video games all the time, so we're going to make up a scare and make up a player and say that he's not going to make it.

A person can be judged by how they get ketchup out of a Heinz bottle

Basically, [Paul Alexander] decides that a player can be judged by how they get the ketchup out of their Heinz 57 ketchup bottle... 'When I see a large football player turn a bottle of ketchup upside down and pound at its heel with tremendous force yet with limited success, I immediately make the mental note he must either play defensive line or if he plays offensive line, he can't play for me.'

LeBron James got a concussion in Game 2

I'm going to LeBron stand for real for a second because I think he did get a concussion. I think he did get knocked out. He got clipped on the jaw pretty good. He was definitely dinged up. He looked off when he first came back.

LeBron James might just quit on the Cavs

LeBron definitely is not close, but he's definitely got in his mind, like, I might just quit on these bums. Like, these guys stink. And, like, what do you even tell LeBron when you go, J.R. Smith went 0 for 7.

Adam Silver is a narc for reporting email threats to the police

Adam Silver, he turns out he's a narc... Everyone thought that Adam Silver was the cool commissioner. But if he's so cool, how come he called the police on the guy that threatened to murder him? And had him arrested.

Kyrie Irving won't be happy that the Celtics are 'Brad Stevens' Team'

Kyrie's not going to be happy that this is Brad Stevens' team. Kyrie left Cleveland because it wasn't his team. And now he's gone somewhere else, still not his team. You think LeBron sends Kyrie a U-up text tonight?

James Harden will suck in the Western Conference Finals

I'm excited for James Harden to submit a James Harden full-on series. He is going to suck in this series. That's my prediction. He's going to have at least two or three games. You'll be like, is James Harden? Is he drunk?

Ty Lue is the worst coach to ever win an NBA championship

The biggest mismatch of the series is Brad Stevens versus Ty Lue. Like, Tyronn Lue is a terrible coach. He's the worst coach to ever win a championship, and the fact that he's got to match Brad Stevens, like, that sucks for the Cavs.

Big Cat should buy Bitcoin, but PFT Commenter should stay away

Should you buy Bitcoin? I would say for Big Cat, I'd say for sure do it. For PFT, I would say not a good idea for you right now.

The Raptors should hire LeBron's manager Maverick Carter as their next head coach

The only way that Dwane Casey could have kept his job is if he was somehow just really good friends with LeBron. They should name Maverick Carter their head coach.

The Celtics have a 60% chance of beating LeBron James and the Cavaliers to reach the NBA Finals.

I said it when the Celtics signed Kyrie that if they can run LeBron out of Cleveland in the beginning of his career and then run it out at the end, it would be the sweetest thing in the world... [I'd put the percentage at] 60% [of the Celtics winning].

Winning the Stanley Cup in their first year would be bad for the Las Vegas Golden Knights franchise.

There was a takequake on ESPN the other day... they said that Las Vegas winning the championship in their first year would actually be bad for Las Vegas... I agree 100% with that. You can't set the expectations that high.

Swallowing shit in a capsule is much worse than just eating it normally.

That honestly sounds worse than eating shit. You've gone so far to just something that could be over in two seconds, but okay. Are you going to put it in yourself? You have to... putting the shit in the capsule yourself.

The Chicago Bulls would have won the 2012 NBA Championship if Derrick Rose hadn't gotten injured.

If D. Rose doesn't get hurt, I think we break through that year... We had a roster where we could play. I think we were like the number one or two defensive team in the league. We were top five in offense. I mean, we were a very complete team that year. And then, boom, Derrick Rose gets hurt. And it just... It took the air out of the balloon for us, you know what I mean? Because we all thought that was our year to win the whole thing.

Steve Rosenblum's column blaming Roquan Smith for getting his car robbed is a nonsensical 'Take Quake'.

Steve Rosenblum, who is provocateur, the Chicago Tribune... likes to just figure out the most nonsensical take out there... the premise of his article was Roquan Smith, who had his iPad stolen... it was his fault that he got robbed... at this point you could ask how a student athlete... is able to afford a 2018 Beamer... Steve Rosenblum... did no fact checking whatsoever and wrote this hot topic.

If you put an 'American stink' on an EPL team, they deserve to be relegated

If you get an American stink on your EPL team, you deserve to be relegated. [referencing Bob Bradley's tenure at Swansea City]

Matt Harvey moving to Cincinnati is hilarious because the city lacks New York models

Matt Harvey in Cincinnati is hilarious for a couple reasons... I don't think the models that are walking around New York City are going to be walking around Cincinnati. And if they are, they probably have diarrhea from Skyline.

Brad Stevens is a better coach with less talent than Gregg Popovich has ever been

I saw some people saying that Brad Stevens is doing more with less than Popovich ever has. [Big Cat:] I'd agree... Popovich had Tim Duncan, who's like a top 10 player of all time... People are pretending that [the Celtics] are not talented because they don't have their number one guy, but they still have a ton of talent.

LeBron James intentionally makes his teams worse as a GM so he can stand out more

One thing, we can actually make the argument that LeBron James is at his worst as a GM, but I think that he makes his teams... I think he makes his teams worse on purpose, so that he's the guy that stands out. And it's like, oh, look at these shitty teams.

Albert Pujols is the best Angel of all time

3,000 hit club, Albert Pujols, Los Angeles Angels. Probably the best angel of all time, right? [PFT:] Angel for life. [Big Cat:] Move on. Best angel going into Cooperstown with that bronze angel hat.

Ben Simmons should be eligible for Rookie of the Postseason next year because he didn't show up for this one

Do you think Ben Simmons should be eligible for rookie of the postseason next year because he didn't show up for this one?

I have zero confidence in Barry Trotz because he is garbage

Listen, I'm still very confident. I have zero confidence in Barry Trotz because I think that he's garbage.

I think all the quarterbacks drafted in the first round have very high bust potential

Darnold, Rosen, Josh Allen, Lamar Jackson, and Baker, you could tell me in three years all out of the league, and I would be like, yeah, okay. Because it's one of those things in the NFL, you just talk yourself into these guys.

The Toronto Raptors are the softest team I've ever watched

The Raptors are the softest team I've ever watched. And having Fred VanVleet take the game-winning shot in overtime, how do you have DeRozan and Lowry and you have these guys... they shrink in every big moment. They're so soft that they made Kevin Love look like the tough guy.

Donovan Mitchell is the Rookie of the Year and it's not even close

Donovan Mitchell is my rookie of the year, and it's not even close. [Ben Simmons] is in his second year playing in the NBA. Second year in the organization.

Russell Westbrook's style of play keeps a franchise hostage

The style of play [Westbrook] has kept your franchise hostage. And for the most part, you weren't going to win. And now we've watched this two years in a row. You're lying to yourself if you see the same approach in Game 6 and go, 'yeah, this will work.' One team has a guy that runs isolation, the team passes it the least of any team in the NBA. Which team would you rather play? Of course they're going to pick the first team, and that's who their team is.

Cleveland is still a very likely scenario for LeBron James this summer

I have been probably one of the only people that still thinks Cleveland is a very likely scenario here. If anybody is telling you they know that LeBron's already decided that he's going to leave, then they may get it right, but they're guessing right now. As of now, the way I understand it is that Cleveland is very much still in play.

The first-round series against the Pacers was a negative mark on LeBron James's legacy

Yeah, so this series was a negative mark on LeBron's legacy, even though he averaged like 42 points and basically a triple-double.

Paul George is actually 'Playoff Passive' because he turtles in big moments

Playoff P was such a playoff P that, I mean, I've never seen anyone be more, it's actually playoff passive is what it stands for because he turtles in big moments. And the fact that he gave himself the nickname, playoff P after game one, is one of the most embarrassing things you could ever do.

Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to the Hall of Fame by banning swearing

I think Salvador Perez just booked himself a trip to Cooperstown because if you want to get the Baseball Writers of America on your side, just ban swearing after home runs.

Jon Gruden is drafting like he is officially drunk

John Gruden is officially drunk. John Gruden traded the 10th pick for the 15th pick. So he moved back five spots in the draft and only picked up a third and a fifth... and then he picked a guy [Kolton Miller] who everyone said would be like a third or fourth rounder.

The Capitals are the better team than the Penguins and will win the series

We're the better team on the ice tonight. We're the better team overall. You can count that. It's fine. It's 1-0 Caps. ... I don't give a shit if the Capitals lose the Stanley Cup... as long as we beat the Penguins. I'm going to cash that ticket.

I hate the NBA and the entire league is disgusting

The whole thing is disgusting to me. I haven't changed my opinion on any of it. I hate the NBA.

The Thunder are trash and are not legitimate competitors

I'm done with anyone talking about the Thunder. I said this pre-playoffs. I called this. I said they are trash, and I do not want to hear about the Thunder being any kind of, like, even close to a competitor.

Andre Iguodala has regressed mightily and is now a washed-up bum

I also am going to put a little tickler file on Andre Iguodala being a washed-up bum. He passed up maybe the most wide-open three-pointer today, and my alerts went off in my brain, like, this guy's a bum now... Iguodala's actually regressed mightily. I'm like, well, guess what? Big Cat saw him pass up that 1-3. He got the bum tag.

Derek Jeter has completely ruined his legacy as Marlins owner

I think Derek Jeter, I think we can say it now, he has completely ruined his legacy. It is unbelievable how much of a douchebag Derek Jeter has been in the last year. The fact that he sits there and says, you have to be mentally strong and you've got to get out there and compete every day and you never tell a team that they're not set up to win. Derek Jeter, you played for the New York Yankees.

LeBron James and the Cavaliers will not win the Eastern Conference this year

We also have LeBron, who they're not winning the East... But when you score 40 and can barely win the game, your teammates stink and your team stinks.

The Washington Capitals should go back to Philipp Grubauer despite Braden Holtby's good play

Perfect time to go back to [Grubauer]. Right when they're not expecting it. I feel like the Caps should never play a hot hand too long. Just go the reverse of what everyone says you're going to play the hot goalie.

The Minnesota Vikings are never going to win a Super Bowl

The Vikings are never going to win a Super Bowl... It's just not the cards, though.

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick actually hate each other

Tom Brady, on the other hand, I think he hates Belichick. I think they hate each other.

Giannis Antetokounmpo might be a 'coach killer'

Is Giannis [Antetokounmpo] the coach killer? Did he make Jason Kidd bad? Is he making [Joe] Prunty... look like an asshole?

LeBron James will lose to the Pacers in the first round of the 2018 playoffs

Not only is [LeBron James] about to lose to the Pacers in the first round, which will be embarrassing for him... Probably not.

Kawhi Leonard will never play another game for the San Antonio Spurs

Kawhi's never playing another game for the San Antonio Spurs. I don't know... I really don't think so... The fact that he's not even speaking to anyone, it seems like he's not speaking to anyone on the Spurs... I don't think he's ever playing another game for the Spurs.

LeBron James needs to get back on social media to play well

I think Zero Dark 23 is actually bad for LeBron because he's such a millennial. He needs to be hooked up to his endorphin stream that comes from his Instagram account and his tweets. He needs to get back on social media.

Derek Jeter will not last five years as Marlins owner

I'm being told by some other people I know in baseball... We don't think Jeter lasts the five years. We think that the owners and investors have a pressure on him.

Russell Westbrook is LeBron James's motivation for getting triple-doubles

Skip Bayless is basically saying that LeBron James just started to get triple doubles because he saw all the attention that the media was paying to Westbrook, and not because he's really good at basketball or anything.

MLB is making the stitches on baseballs bigger to create better GIFs

This year they're just making the stitches a little bigger, make more movement, better gifs, more social traction... When the pitches are going like four feet across the plate straight up, it's a little suspicious.

Gregg Popovich is an enormous dickhead

I think Greg Popovich is a... Enormous dickhead... He's gotten so much positive reinforcement for being an asshole that now he's just like, it's good if I'm an asshole.