Takes

The Washington Huskies are the #1 surprise team and a dark horse for the national title

My number one surprise team this year is the Washington Huskies... I've got Washington as my number one surprise team this year.

Texas will be the most improved team in the country and see a massive win total jump

I have Texas my number one most improved team in the country... I think Texas will show a big change in record and have one of the biggest change in win totals this year.

This is the year one conference gets two teams into the College Football Playoff

I think this is the year where one conference gets two teams in. Now, that's going to leave two of the Power Five conferences unhappy at the end of the year, but I think this is the year it happens.

Jay Mariotti is the senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take

Jay, you will be our senior Iceland correspondent. Done... Jay Mariotti has been named senior Icelandic correspondent for Pardon My Take.

Teddy Bridgewater's injury is actually a positive for Vikings fans because it removes the stress of expectations

I mean, right off the bat, it's kind of nice. You don't have to get your hopes up. It's vacation season for Vikings fans. Like, you know, just relax. Take your shoes up. You don't have to stress yourself out during the games. You get to kind of take it easy.

The Royals' praying mantis should be burned to kill their team's mojo

I'm just saying it'd be a real shame if someone snuck into their dugout and dropped a match in there and watched the, what's it, a terrarium? ... If you're trying to get rid of their mojo... That's a direct correlation.

The Cubs should sign Tim Tebow because he can 'defeat the sun' during day games

Tebow took flies in center looking into a hellacious sun. Did not bobble or miss one... Name me one baseball player that has defeated the sun. ... If Tebow's in the conversation, it makes our jobs a little bit easier. I wouldn't mind seeing him in a Cubs uniform. A lot of day games. ... We play a lot of day games, and we know that Tebow can beat the Sun.

I only got a college scholarship because I won $1,400 in an underground poker game

I went to this underground game in Pittsburgh. I borrowed 100 bucks from one of my friends... I had jack nine... I caught a full house... I end up having $1,400. My dad spots me the other $100. I go down to the camp. I kick a 65-yard field goal... Tony Gibson from West Virginia University is there. 'You want a scholarship to West Virginia?'... without that tournament happening, [I have] no chance.

Dak Prescott is a speedster who will redefine the quarterback position

I've done a little scouting on Dak Prescott, your backup. Athletic, mobile. He's going to redefine the quarterback position. He's a speedster. I don't know if we've ever seen an athlete like Dak Prescott back there. He's instinctive. He's not a thinker. He's kind of like a Mike Vick type.

Joey Bosa likely has a gambling problem because he is demanding his signing bonus money immediately

Just knee jerk here. Gambler to gambler. Sounds like Joey Bosa has a gambling problem. Like I need that money now, man. I need it right now. Like that's he thinks that he's being, you know, sly here. But as a gambler, I can see what he's doing. He's clearly got some big debts he needs to pay.

Crab cakes are better with 75% filler rather than lump meat

I like the filler. ... Exactly. I want 75% filler in my crab cakes. ... Have you ever tried to eat like a 95% crab meat crab cake? Oh, it's disgusting. It's like eating a can of tuna fish.

Houseboats are the safest long-term investment due to rising sea levels

Polar ice caps. The whole world's going to be the ocean eventually. I'd say houseboats actually are probably the safest investment out there. ... I'm talking like three, 400 years here. You might want to be the guy with the houseboat.

The Little League World Series is better when kids are crying

I think the Little League World Series is losing who they are. I think the mic'd up coaches saying that they love all their kids too much... I'm here to watch kids screw up and cry. If you're going to make me feel bad about that, I hate you.

Tiger Woods will likely never win another major championship

Gun to my head, Tiger wins another major? Probably not. I mean, I don't know. He hadn't played golf all year. Also, there was a gun to my head.

Tom Brady's absence from practice is linked to a heist or Roger Goodell's death threats

Tom Brady cut his thumb and missed the second preseason game... he then missed practice on Sunday and Monday... Roger Goodell just said that he received some death threats over the weekend. Hmm. Did Tom Brady take part in a heist? Something happened.

Rio's Olympic infrastructure will be well-maintained and beneficial for decades

The Olympics are over. Rio, I have no doubt in my mind all the buildings, all the goodwill, all of the tourist money is going to go into great hands. And they're going to be on the up and up for the rest of the century.

Carmelo Anthony is too cool for the Banana Boat crew

I think Carmelo is too cool for the banana boat. I think that LeBron James, Chris Paul, Dwayne Wade, this new kind of athlete, this new super team-creating kind of athlete, they're lame. They're not hard. Carmelo's hard.

Bill Simmons failed on HBO because he lacks a performance background

Simmons is a brilliant guy on a lot of fronts and TV is still a relatively new thing for him... Mars, the other guy they compare to him, you're if you're a stand-up comic for that many year you have balls the size of pumpkins because you talk for a living and you got to take on people that troll you... He's a performer. I just think if people were patient, a show can settle in.

Men should not wear shorts; we should bring back the rule that shorts are only for little boys

It turns out that in like the 19th century, shorts were only for little boys. And then when you became a man, you got your long trousers. I think they should bring that back. Your big boy pants.

DeAndre Jordan values an Olympic Gold medal over an NBA ring because he'll never win a championship

I like it because Carmelo [Anthony] and DeAndre [Jordan] are both guys who are kind of talented. But they're probably never going to win a championship unless they change teams. So what better way for DeAndre to capitalize on the surge of patriotism... than to say, yeah, you know what? It's all about the medal.

Bob Costas is the alpha dog of NBC sports because he lifts in jeans

It was revealed that Costas walked into the weight room with jeans on and just did upper body. I saw it down here. I went to the gym and Bob Costas strolled in in jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, jeans, but he was just doing upper body. That's a savage move. That's a short man move. All chest, no legs.

LeBron James could become the world's best 50m freestyle swimmer in two years

If lebron were to try his hand at swimming how long do you think it would take him to become the best in the world in the 50? [Dwyer: 50? Two years. That guy's pretty athletic. Two years.]

Colin Kaepernick's dead arm is a blessing in disguise because it will make him a 'touch' passer

Dead arm was the best thing that could have happened to Colin Kaepernick. Now he's a touch guy. Great. Now he's Chad Pennington. It's like a reverse rookie of the year happens. Yes, yes. And he needs to cash in on it.

Peyton Manning was using inferior steroids compared to James Harrison

I think what we can clearly tell is that if James Harrison was doing steroids and if Peyton Manning was doing steroids, Peyton Manning was doing way shittier steroids than James Harrison. Those were not from the same steroid guy.

Usain Bolt could play in the NFL as a Mike Wallace-type deep threat

I want to know if Usain Bolt, if you put him in pads, put him in a helmet – Can he take a hit? He wouldn't go across the middle. I already know that about him. He would be like a Mike Wallace type on the outside.

Ed Hochuli wears extra small jerseys to make his biceps look bigger

I'm saying if you think a guy that buys extra small jerseys and cuts off the ends of them, if you think and does 100 push-ups before he goes out on the field to make them look bigger, if you think that's a show-off, I think it's a show-off.

Ryan Lochte should lean into his gas station incident by getting a gun sponsorship

If I'm Lochte, I think it's pretty simple actually. If I'm Lochte, I get sponsored by a gun company because you're not going to get held up if you've got a gun. I've got like some catchphrases already... Lochte and loaded.

LeBron James might have crippled the Cavaliers long term with his new contract

I think [LeBron James] might have crippled the Cavaliers long term with this deal... The Cavaliers, they've got so much dead money that's going to be hanging around LeBron James' neck in three years. They're going to be lucky to eke out 40 wins in a season.

A man should only cry after losing his virginity or winning an Olympic medal

I always love it when our Olympians have a good cry... I would say that and maybe after you lose your virginity is the only acceptable time where a man can cry.

LeBron James would be the best of all time in any Olympic sport he chose

Could LeBron James dominate this sport? And the answer is always yes. If LeBron decided not to play basketball and instead was a swimmer or a high diver or a handball player or a soccer player, he'd probably be the best of all time.

A-Rod will enter the Hall of Fame as a Seattle Mariner.

I don't think he's a true Yankee. I think he goes in the Hall of Fame as a Mariner.

Ketchup is a trash condiment.

Ketchup's trash, man.

Jim Furyk's 58 deserves an asterisk because he didn't even win the tournament.

I was about to say, like, shouldn't there be an asterisk on his round? It absolutely is. I mean, it happens all the time. So I guess good for Furyk. But like at the end of the day, you know, you don't get a trophy because he shot a 58.

Anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer

Ferrets. Because anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer, and that's just like pre-crime. We basically created pre-crime by getting rid of ferrets.

My company Turing is worth one billion dollars

I don't like to talk about it, but if you look at the company, Turing, that I own, I think that company is worth a billion dollars.

LeBron James is going to leave Cleveland a second time

Well, I also saw on SportsCenter today people were saying they were using the phrase like this was almost as bad as LeBron the first time he left Cleveland... So would that imply there's a second time? Huh. Huh. We're just connecting the dots, people.

The Olympic athletes freezing their sperm due to Zika aren't getting any action anyway

People are blowing [Zika] way out of proportion. I mean, the guys that are freezing their sperm are definitely not getting any action, you know?

Lacrosse will sell out a 50,000-seat stadium within the next 30 years

By what year is lacrosse going to sell out a 50,000-seat stadium, Hank? 30 years. Within the next 30 years, so he's calling his shot... I'm pretty positive I'm right.

The Cleveland Indians and Washington Redskins names will soon face massive media backlash

I have a prediction, though, because the [Indians] are now officially going for it with the Andrew Miller trade. We're going to get a lot of think pieces about the Indians logo. It's going to happen. The Indians are about to get [Redskinned].

If you claim you were hacked after a scandal, you must lean into it with more fake hacks

If you are going to go the hacked route, you have to go farther down the rabbit hole of hacked. So you accidentally snap a picture of your penis, then you accidentally snap a picture of a swastika, then you accidentally snap a picture of like you throwing a rock at a pigeon and then you're like shit I got hacked.

All roads in the NBA super team era lead back to LeBron James

All roads lead to LeBron James with this super team friends and family shit. Just know that. There's always a way back to LeBron James. He started this shit and now it's corroding and polluting the NBA.

Carmelo Anthony winning gold medals means nothing because the USA should beat China by 90

I think it's fantastic that Melo is winning another gold medal. It means jack shit to me. Like, they're down there winning those games if it's a big deal. Like, you're supposed to beat China by 94. I'm not impressed that you did a 360 dunk on a 6'3 Asian basketball player.

The NFL conspiracy to take down Tom Brady is a proven fact

Do you think that they unfairly accused [Brady] of something and it's a conspiracy just to sit down the face of the NFL? ... Yes, that's actually a proven fact. ... Yeah, they just don't like the Patriots. Too much winning.

I will be sad when LeBron James finally signs with the Lakers and the free agency update segment ends

And that was our LeBron James free agency update. I'm going to be really sad when it's over, when he finally signs with the Lakers and we have to stop doing it. It's going to suck.

God from the Old Testament is a top-tier bad guy

So I'll segue right from there into my number three which is God, God from the Old Testament. Kind of a bad guy. Threw a lot of stuff at people. People forget that. That God was kind of a hard ass.

Lionel Messi is bleaching his hair to hide from tax fraud investigators

So, well, he did have brown hair, and now he just bleached it totally blonde. This adds to my theory that maybe he's a relative of Nazi... that's how you get away from tax fraud or whatever he was doing with his dad.

The White Sox are an embarrassing organization run like a mom-and-pop shop

I think White Sox fans have a level of embarrassment because I think if your organization is having uniform issues and your star pitcher is cutting up uniforms because he doesn't want to wear them, that's embarrassing. It's called Jerry Reinsdorf runs organizations like a mom-and-pop shop, and incompetent people get pay raises and promotions, and no one ever gets fired.

Jumping off a bridge into water is the best hangover cure

First one, jumping off a bridge. Like jumping off a bridge into water. You get an adrenaline rush, and then you get the water, and then once you're in the ocean, then you're unhungover.

LeBron James will sign his 2016 contract before another Hillary Clinton email is leaked

LeBron James will sign before another [Hillary Clinton] email gets released. [Obama] is gonna fire a nuke up a horse's butt so that Putin can't leak any more of Clinton's emails.

The Golden State Warriors might have chemistry issues because they have 'too many chiefs'

I don't know if they have enough shots. Everyone's going to want to shoot the ball. I don't know how it's going to work... Too many chiefs, not enough Indians. That's how I think it's going to go, but we'll see.