Takes

The Buffalo Bills will win the AFC East and finish 11-5 in 2019

Prediction on the Bills season? Easily 11-5. Oh, he's going to win the AFC East this year? We'll be right there.

Deion Sanders only considers players great if they call him for advice

If you're a young player in the league and you call him for advice once a week, then you're a good player. If he mentors you, then you're one of the best players in the league. ... If you play in a boring place like Tennessee, then he just doesn't know who you are.

I would rather die than have my fiancée save my life with the Heimlich maneuver

I'd rather die. I'd rather die. You can't have someone just walking around being like, I saved your life.

The ultimate parenting life hack is buying a trampoline for your neighbor's kids

Here's really what the life hack is right here. Buy your neighbor a trampoline for his kids... He can fucking assemble it. He can hurt his grass. And now your kid is not around anymore. Just tramp cuck him.

The 'Suck My Dick' catchphrase was a mistake and is officially retired from the show.

We're done with the suck my dick. We've decided that it was a really bad choice on our part. This is what's been happening recently is award-winning listeners have been coming up to me and be like, 'I want to say it, but I can't.' So just do that. Just go up to people and be like, 'I want to say it, but I can't.'

Swallowing dip spit is significantly worse than drinking pee

I would... I would beer bong three solid urination trips over taking one sip of dip, spit, and swallowing.

Men and women can't be friends unless they are having sex

Can guys and girls be friends? No. Unless they're fucking. Then they're really good friends.

Dating a woman who owns a cat by herself is a major red flag

Your first mistake was dating a girl that owns a cat by herself. That's a red flag right there.

The Green Bay Packers are idiots for charging their shareholders for new certificate artwork every year

The team I bought [a shareholder certificate] from, they keep producing new artwork every year and charging me more money every single year even though my shares don't actually mean anything. It's actually the Packers. Packers are doing that to their shareholders. They're fucking stupid idiots.

Jim Abbott didn't hide his nub, so you should use yours as a flip cup backboard

Jim Abbott wasn't out there hiding his nub behind his back. He was out there, he was loud, he was proud. So I think the girl just needs to embrace it a little bit. Use the nub as a backboard in flip cup.

Avocados are overrated; guacamole is great but solo avocados are trash

I just want to take this moment to say avocados are overrated as fuck... Guacamole, great. Avocados on their own, trash.

Houseboats are the safest long-term investment due to rising sea levels

Polar ice caps. The whole world's going to be the ocean eventually. I'd say houseboats actually are probably the safest investment out there. ... I'm talking like three, 400 years here. You might want to be the guy with the houseboat.

Seeing a hot nude of your ex on your phone actually makes you more attractive to your current girlfriend

I would say that this is actually a good move for the guy because... she's jealous because you've got a hot nude of your ex on there. And so now she's like, there's something about this guy that makes chicks want to send him nudes. And so like in her mind, now you're like, you're one notch up now.

Millennials are pussies who lack accountability and positivity

I think that he's right that millennials have no sense of positivity when it comes to adversity. If there's one thing I know about millennials is that they don't like it when they're put in a bad situation. Millennials are pussies. Yeah, exactly.

Quentin Tarantino thinks he isn't racist because he uses the N-word so frequently in his films

I feel like Tarantino is going down that route where he's like he's used the N word so many times that he's not racist. Like he's one of the good white guys because he's not afraid to use the N word in his like period pieces because he's technically making fun of the racist from those periods.

Pardon My Take will not change its name despite ESPN's cease and desist

We've changed the logo. ... We are not changing the name. We will fight to the death to not change this name. So ESPN, come at us. We're not fucking budging on that.