Takes

Tennessee fans effectively coach the team by vetoing hires

Well, they kind of are letting their fans coach their team next season by letting their fans tell them who they can and can't hire.

Mike Leach was born to coach in the SEC

When he was at Kentucky, he used to try to get horses to drink beer... He was born to coach in the SEC. I can't wait for it. Coach Leach, you're our guy.

The Arizona State AD only hired Herm Edwards because they fell for agent posturing

Herm Edwards did the thing where we say that, you know, the agents all every couple of years throw a name out there just to make their guys ego. And then they threw the name out there and Arizona State's like, wait, we'll take Herm Edwards.

Ben McAdoo benching Eli Manning for Geno Smith is performance art

If you have fucked up your job so badly that Geno Smith is the answer to whatever your problem is... that is performance art. It is hilarious to me. So Ben McAdoo, I know you probably didn't mean to screw up this badly, but thank you for doing it.

Pittsburgh might be the Garden of Eden

I've said it before about Pittsburgh, three rivers meeting, the Garden of Eden in the Bible. It was at the connection of three rivers. Pittsburgh might be the Garden of Eden.

The CFP committee got the rankings exactly right

I actually think they got it exactly right. I think Wisconsin should be four. I think Alabama should be five. And that, like, Ohio State, Miami, like, it feels like all those teams, they could probably leapfrog, but they're outside looking in. Like, that's exactly where they should be.

Lacrosse is booming and the sales are up

My cool throne is lacrosse. Nike chairman Phil Knight, he was commenting on the Duke Florida game the other day, and he said, lacrosse is growing. So the sales are up. They're growing, not a show. Business is booming.

I do not miss football even one percent

Do you miss football at all? No, not even one percent. No. So I very much flipped the switch into not being in the football schedule right? I very much fell out of love with the schedule of being an NFL player.

Trent Richardson was not a good NFL player and only got drafted for his speed

Trent Richardson. Oh, that's two first-rounders. People don't know that. He's worth two first-rounders. Future Hall of Famer. Yeah, future Hall of Famer... He zigged every fucking time. Just a zag one time would have been nice for us.

College football has lost its mind if Arizona State hires Herm Edwards

College football has officially lost its mind. When Herm Edwards gets involved, college football has officially lost its mind.

Florida State is a much better program than Texas A&M

Isn't Florida State a much better football program? Why would you leave Florida State to go to A&M?

Mel Kiper would be the ultimate road trip partner because he never pulls over to use the bathroom

Mel Kiper on a road trip would be the ultimate road dog. Just pumpkin pie and not pissing. Never pulling over.

If you don't take a football road trip in college, you ruined your experience

If you were in college right now and listening to this... if you don't take a road trip with all your friends to an away football game, you have ruined your own college experience. That's the best time.

John Fox is coaching like he knows he's fired

John Fox is going full Fox... I think there's zero Fox given for him right now. He's just going to do a thing where he throws the ball like five times a game for the rest of the year because he knows he's fired.

The Kansas City Chiefs are officially frauds

The Bills, they might be back... This is for real because they go into Kansas City, a Chiefs team that I will officially say is a fraud. They're frauds.

The Titans are frauds because they only beat the Colts with the roof open

The Jaguars are tough because I'm going to keep them in the for reals because I think the Titans are frauds. I think the Titans winning in the Colts, that's a game they should win. I'm not impressed by that. The roof was open. That's how you know Jim Irsay is getting desperate.

The NFC South is the toughest division in football

I think we can officially say [the NFC South] is the toughest division in football. The Falcons, the Panthers and the Saints all in my for reals category. And I don't know, like all those teams should make the NFC playoffs.

Anything is possible for the Eagles with Carson Wentz at quarterback

When you have Carson Wentz, anything's possible. Yeah, he's unbelievable.

The CFP selection committee is rooting for Oklahoma to lose and Ohio State to beat Wisconsin

This is what ESPN and college football, the NCAA, is rooting for. They're rooting for Oklahoma to lose and for Ohio State to beat Wisconsin. So then the final four is Clemson, Auburn, or Georgia, Alabama, and Ohio State. They would go insane for that.

Gus Malzahn looks like Marlon's man's lawyer

I take one look at Gus Malzahn and I think there's no way that this guy is a successful college coach... he looks like Marlon's man's lawyer. Like, if the lawyer had a lawyer, he would look like Gus Malzahn.

No business gets done in America during November and December

No business gets done in the months of November, December in America. No business really gets done in March because of March Madness. Then April, the start of summer vacation season is usually June 3rd through August, let's say. So really, if you don't get any work done September, October, February, or March... yeah, then you pretty much screwed.

Playing on Thanksgiving is a vacation for Philip Rivers from his nine children

I bet Philip Rivers is so happy this year that he doesn't have to sit down at a table with his nine children for Thanksgiving. Getting to play a day game on Thanksgiving for Philip Rivers is basically a vacation for him.

Trump is like Machiavelli

I gave a, yeah... Trump is like Machiavelli... The Little Prince.

Kyrie Irving is significantly better than Isaiah Thomas

I think we need to find every single person who thought that the Kyrie trade wasn't good and ban them from ever watching basketball again. Because Kyrie Irving is so fucking good. And all the people that flipped out about Fultz... Kyrie Irving is... he was finishing at the rim in ways that it took my breath away.

Jeff Fisher is the perfect candidate for the UCLA coaching job

I am so excited for Jeff Fisher to possibly be in our life. Not only is it... It would be so perfect for him to be in the Pac-12 because we would get that 10:30 kickoff time. College football is perfect for Jeff Fisher because if you go 6-6, you go to a bowl game. He rolls out of bed bowl eligible. That would be amazing.

Only America should celebrate Thanksgiving

I agree. I think it's an American tradition. I mean, because it was the pilgrims and the Indians like sitting down and having dinner together and kind of somewhat working out the deal of how we're going to take their land.

Undefeated mid-majors like UCF should be in a 16-team playoff

As a mid-major school, it's tough with the way the system is now to get a chance to get into the college football playoffs. I think they should do it like how they do the 1AA or the FCS or whatever it's called, like a 16-team playoff. Because then you give them a chance, you never know until they go play the Power Five conference teams.

Stuffing is the greatest thing in the world

I'm going stuffing. I fucking love stuffing. Stuffing is the greatest thing in the world. Why don't we eat stuffing every day? Make the turkey out of the stuffing. It's so good.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. is a 'good, not great' driver

[Big Cat asks if they let him win once a year] Is that true? No. You sure? No. He's good. Good, not great.

The key to NFL chemistry is 'stalking' your quarterback to learn their habits

[I moved to California] to tell Tom [Brady] if he ever needs anyone to throw to that I'm out there. I'm stalking the guy who I want to learn from, and I want him to learn my body. Hey, when you're a receiver... I'm stalking. I was learning what he liked versus certain things and that's kind of how we learned each other.

Tom Brady is a dorky guy in the locker room

Kind of like a dorky-ish kind of guy, actually. You see him in all his little commercials and he's always James Bond up... But you get him back in the locker room, man. He's shooting the crap with us, going through Instagram, making fun... Scrolling down that thing just like us.

Bill Belichick is a genius who could be a Fortune 500 CEO

This dude like went to school and should be like a governor or like a Fortune 500 company genius type guy. That's a football coach. He is football. He's become a football. I don't know... his body is shaped like a football.

The AFC Wild Card race is officially a dumpster fire

The end of the playoffs, the wild cards for the AFC are such shit. It's because the Jaguars have thrown the entire world out of order. 7-3. The Jaguars being good has created chaos theory for the wild card spots in the AFC. It is a dumpster fire.

I would be able to play in any era of the NFL

I would think that I could play in any era, whether it's the old era or the new era. I would think I could play in either one. Of course, the game has changed a lot since I was playing it, and I would be hampered a little bit that you can't actually hit nobody anymore.

Rob Gronkowski is 'stealing' in the NFL because of the rules

What Gronkowski is doing is absolutely stealing in the NFL. Bill Belichick, he's a smart coach. He knows the rules and he makes sure the rules benefit him at all times. Because there's no way Gronkowski is supposed to be sitting in the slot and you're not able to reroute him. You get killed like that.

The Giants should not fire Ben McAdoo yet

Do you think they should fire him? Absolutely not. No, I think... look what [Bill Parcells] did. He won two Super Bowls. The reason why I say keep McAdoo on another year, something the same way with Bill Parcells, his first year when he was head coach, he was playing that loyalty stuff. He tries to keep everybody, but not all of them guys are good players. You got to upgrade your team every year. Cleaning house and starting bringing people that could work... maybe if they secure his job for one more year, that gives him the opportunity to lay down some laws.

Quarterbacks are not a threat once you dominate them

I never hated quarterbacks. Guys like Ron Jaworski, Randall Cunningham, these guys were sacked more times than any other player. They're not a threat to you because you dominated them. Why would you hate a quarterback if you just constantly dominate them?

Winning a match at WrestleMania was more fun than winning a Super Bowl

I love Super Bowl, but WrestleMania was a lot of fun. That was a lot of fun.

Baker Mayfield needs to stop apologizing for being the bad guy

Baker Mayfield could be the most celebrated college quarterback, but he keeps apologizing. He apologizes so quickly that it's not fun. Baker, part of being the bad guy is you don't apologize. Before the game even ended, he had the fucking tweet that was written out. No, you don't [want to be a role model]. You want to hold your dick in front of Kansas when you put up 40 on them.

Jerry Jones doesn't care about his public image or internet leaks

I don't think Jerry Jones cares, and I actually don't think Jerry Jones needs to care how the internet works because you couldn't make me think any less about Jerry Jones than I do right now. If a tape came out tomorrow of him just stabbing a child, I'd be like, yeah, the child probably owed him money and reneged on a season ticket contract. He's more like Liam Neeson in Taken, except his particular set of skills is leveraging public debt.

Jerry Jones will die without the Dallas Cowboys winning another Super Bowl

The Cowboys stink, by the way... Jerry Jones, I think Jerry Jones is slowly realizing he's going to die without another Super Bowl for the Cowboys.

Kevin Durant is currently like a divorced dad with visitation rights to the torch in Oklahoma City

So Kevin Durant did an interview today, and he said that when he hit that three in the NBA Finals, that to him felt like a pass the torch moment. But also in the interview, he says that he's still OKC. So his blood is still Oklahoma City. So the way I'm reading this is that the torch now, it belongs to Kevin Durant, but it resides in Oklahoma City. So Kevin Durant has visitation rights to the torch at his old place. He's like a divorced dad.

Trey Wingo is America's stepdad

Trey Wingo is America's stepdad. That's the part that he was born to play. ... Every day, Wingo should just sit down and be like, what's up, gang? Hey, chief. Hey, buddy. Hey, slugger. Hey, want to talk about puberty?

The WNBA offers the biggest advantage for professional sports bettors

What's the sport with the best advantage for the gambler? [Big Cat asks] It used to be college basketball. It's getting harder and harder. Right now, it's probably the WNBA. Ooh, yeah. It's a huge one for professional bettors. They love it. The bookmakers don't pay that much attention to it, so the wise guys feel like they get an advantage.

Peyton Manning ruined the Colts and Broncos franchises because he covered up their lack of talent

I blame Peyton Manning is what I do... I think Peyton Manning has currently ruined two franchises. At least Indianapolis and Denver. ... What has happened is like he is so advanced in understanding what you're trying to do to him as a defense that basically he takes marginal players... four and 12 talent or eight and eight talent and makes it 12 and four every year. And so you as a general manager, as a franchise, I get a little bit more enamored with your talent than you should be... all of a sudden that guy leaves and you realize we suck.

Crime reports should always include which sports team the criminal supports

Every time a crime's committed in America, every time there's a report about it in the news, they should just say what teams the people who committed the crimes liked. That'd be great. ... It just adds like a little bit of levity to every headline that you get. Like Steelers fan murdered his whole family. ... Classic Steelers. So funny.

I am going to love hating Grayson Allen this college basketball season

Grayson Allen is back. Hating Grayson Allen is back. He played all 40 minutes [against Michigan State]. He scored 37 points... and I am going to love hating Grayson Allen this year.

College basketball point spreads are constantly ruined by excessive fouling at the end of games

In college basketball, they will foul until the end of time, and every single point spread will be ruined. A team could be down four points with 30 seconds left... they will foul until the end of time, and every single point spread will be ruined.

USA Soccer is off the hook for missing the World Cup because Italy missed it too

USA Soccer is officially on the cool throne because Italy did not make the World Cup either. And that's like a big deal... we're off the hook, though. Because this is like the hottest chick who didn't make the ball... we can laugh and be like, no, those guys actually try, and they suck. It's not us.

Ryan Switzer is a 'swaggy' player to watch out for

I like that little [Ryan] Switzer guy. He's swaggy out there. Beasley, he's been balling for a few years now, and he's created his niche.