Takes

The Capitals are regular season heroes who always look awesome in January

And I know not only is the Capitals year, but the Capitals in January, this is when they get hot. This is when they beat teams. You can count on the Capitals in the regular season to look awesome.

Lane Kiffin was happy to see Alabama lose the National Championship because humans love to see bad things happen to their exes

The second you move on from [a relationship], there's a small part of you that will always love to see bad things happen to that person... And Lane Kiffin is, by all accounts, a much bigger dick than normal people. So you have to believe that he was popping bottles.

Yahoo's name change to Altaba is a brilliant way to hide from the public eye

I have Yahoo on my cool throne because the best way to secretly get out of the public eye is just have a vaguely foreign sounding company by you and change your name. And just claim that your entire company was satire.

The South only has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson once college football season ends

Basically the South has Florida basketball and Bubba Watson. [College football] is the South's real time to shine.

The NFL draft process will pick apart college kids' characters for minor things like smoking weed or their parents' divorce

As soon as college football ends, it's draft season... We've got to pick apart these 21-year-olds, really dig into it. Stuff like, have you smoked weed? Do your teammates like you? Is your mother a prostitute? ... Did your parents get divorced because of you?

Aaron Rodgers only celebrates with class because he's promoting an insurance company

At least Aaron Rodgers, he promotes an insurance company, which isn't evil. [Newton] should learn how to act as a quarterback... confidence with class.

The Seattle Seahawks only win because they know the rule book better and 'cheat' more than everyone else

Did you notice the Seattle Cheahawks were back to their old cheating ways? ...They just cheat a lot. That's all they do. ...By knowing the rule book better than everybody else.

2017 is not the 'Year of Matt' after every quarterback named Matt lost in the Wild Card round

Wait, so every Matt lost this weekend, huh? ...Not the year of Matt. Tough weekend for Matt.

The Masters' theme music is the instant cure for insomnia

It's also just good for dads out there to have, instead of having to rely on Ambien or something to go to sleep, if a dad turns on the Masters music, he's going to fall asleep within five minutes. Best nap of the year. Instant cure for insomniacs.

Picking Alabama to win every game isn't being a homer, it's just being smart

The reason I like Alabama, and don't laugh, I've picked Alabama in every single game since the Iron Bowl in 2010... And that doesn't make me a homer. It just makes me smart. Because you guys know how many times Alabama has won since 2011.

Michigan fans are the most arrogant and elitist fan base in college football

It's Michigan. But Michigan, first of all, it's a good school. But it's not Harvard. They think they are not. Michigan fans, Michigan graduates are just the most arrogant, elitist... The fans talk like it's Stanford, Harvard, Princeton, and Caltech wrapped into one. It's not. It's a good school that's won a half a national championship in 60 years.

Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football

I think Brian Kelly is one of the biggest jokes in college football. I really do. I think Charlie Weis was better than Brian Kelly. He was more hilarious. I don't totally disagree. No, you're right about that. I mean, he was expensive from a food standpoint. But I think Notre Dame can afford a couple of extra buffets, but Brian Kelly, I mean, he really... anyone's cooler than Brian Kelly.

If you are going on a boat party before a playoff game, you better win that game

This is a classic if you're going to go on a boat party. It's the old Tony Romo with Jessica Simpson and Cabo rule. If you're going to go hang out before a playoff game, you better win that fucking playoff game.

Wild Card Weekend is the second-best weekend in sports, behind only Divisional Weekend

If we're doing a power ranking of sports weekends, Wild Card Weekend is in my top three. I've got Wild Card Weekend, I'll call it number two. Divisional Weekend's number one.

Grayson Allen's tripping incidents are victimless pranks that don't actually matter

The thing about Grayson Allen that I absolutely love is that all of this is victimless and it doesn't actually matter. The stakes are non-existent in this story. And we pretend like they are because we just love to hate Duke so much.

I do not trust UCLA because they play no defense whatsoever

I don't trust UCLA. Everyone's really excited that UCLA is back, but they play no defense whatsoever.

LeBron James is the perfect laboratory-engineered basketball player, more so than Jordan

In all seriousness, I think LeBron is... If you had to clone a guy and put five of him on the floor, he's clearly the guy that you would want. If you're making a basketball player in a laboratory from the ground up, you build LeBron James.

Boston sports fans would love Gordon Hayward because he is a white player

A lot of stuff in the news about Gordon Hayward and Boston fans booing Jae Crowder, cheering for Hayward. Then Bomani Jones got on the air and said that Boston fans would absolutely love Gordon Hayward, which I think they would. I don't think that's out of bounds.

It is better for your date to get injured on a ski trip than for her to be better at skiing than you

He takes her on a ski trip... She starts skiing, and she does backflips going down. And he [Donald Trump] thought that he was going to take this girl out and teach her how to ski. She was better than him. He immediately picked his skis up and walked inside for the rest of the weekend. He's like, this sucks. I can't deal with that. So I would rather that your date gets devastatingly injured than for her to be better.

The NFL MVP race is boring and I don't care who wins

My take on the MVP is I don't give a fuck. Ooh, that's pretty good. So, yeah, a little hot take there for you. I don't really – I can't get excited about an MVP race.

Tom Brady should be the NFL MVP despite only playing 12 games

If Tom Brady isn't the MVP, it's just further showing [the system is corrupt]... He still had better stats than him. Tom Brady's stats are still better than the other quarterbacks in contention stats. That's the point.

Mike Greenberg's take that the College Football Playoff is better than March Madness is ridiculous

Did anyone tell Greeny that he doesn't know about either of these playoffs because he didn't play sports? ... I mean, it's the most ridiculous statement.

The Starters on NBA TV are sports hipsters

I don't like to shit on other people's quality of their work. But they have a show, and it's actually good. It's very stat-oriented... but like the Starters on the NBA network. They are hipsters. They're sports hipsters.

You cannot be a serious basketball analyst if you never played the game

I just want to ask these fucking nerds. Like, did you ever play? ... If you are a basketball dude and you never played basketball, even in your heart of hearts, and you took it seriously, it's hard for me to take you seriously. Because anybody could play basketball, really, until any age.

Eating a book of lit matches is a valid and effective football motivational technique

Well, not only was it a book of matches, but let's go ahead and remember there was a book of lit matches... Anybody can eat a book of matches. It takes some toughness to eat a book of lit matches... I was an old football guy... us basketball coaches have to rely on some of those [techniques]. My guys loved it, so it seemed to get them fired up for the game.

Kirk Cousins will get a long-term contract because he looks the part of a quarterback

Do you know what Kirk has going for him? He looks the part. That's really what it is... That's why Matt Barkley is still in the league. That's why Jimmy Clausen is—throw them in a pair of shorts... they look good.

Michigan State quarterbacks are guaranteed to receive huge contracts

Well, he's a Michigan State quarterback. I feel like you have to give a Michigan State quarterback a huge guaranteed contract. That's how it works.

The status of the victim determines the difference between being murdered and being assassinated

What's the difference between a murderer and an assassin? Like at what point if I died, like if somebody killed me on purpose, it's like a John Lennon. If I get killed, is that am I assassinated or am I just murdered? It's a total status question.

The AFC has been bad for forever

People don't talk about how bad the AFC has been like forever. The Patriots have basically just had to show up every Sunday for the last 12 years, and they'll make it into one every three Super Bowls.

The Falcons are actually a good team

[The Falcons] are. If you go look back at their schedule, they could be anywhere from 16-0 or 0-16 if you just count the wins as losses and the losses as wins.

NFL players should be allowed to smoke weed before Thursday night games to manage pain

NFL players should be allowed to do a joint if they were going to play in a Thursday night game. So if you're on a short week, you can smoke weed to get rid of your pain.

The Saturday Wild Card game featuring the Texans is a tradition of bad football that everyone hates

The Texans are playing the first wildcard game on Saturday that everyone's going to hate and always features really bad quarterback play. Tradition like any other.

The 2016 Giants defense might be better than the two Super Bowl winning defenses

I will say that the [2016] defense might be a little bit better than our two Super Bowl defenses.

I will take Eli Manning over any other quarterback in the playoffs

Eli [Manning] just lets it go, man. He is not afraid in the playoffs, and I think that's something that serves him well. I'll take Eli over any of them.

College kickers who wear towels on their hips are soft

You know another thing that pisses me off is when you watch these college guys and they have shields and sweet towel. They have a towel hanging off their hip like they're about to go take a center snap. You're a fucking kicker. Like kick the ball. No one cares what you look like.

Gary Kubiak needs to stay around football or his health will decline immediately

Kubiak strikes me as a guy that could pull a Joe Pop... like the second you step away from the game, a football guy needs to be around football or else his health goes downhill. It's counterintuitive for Kubiak, but I think the more he coaches, the more healthy he's going to be.

I'm the reason people like Joe Buck now

two-time Joe Buck, who people like him now because of us, I'm just gonna say it.

Pardon My Take is responsible for making punting cool again

Did we bring punting back? Yeah, we made punting cool again. I've seen it everywhere since Punt Week. Ooh, punters this, punters that. These punters, they're so cool.

My interview with the Vikings players actually built a wing of a children's hospital

The interview that actually built a wing of a children's hospital and saved children's lives.

Hank is more famous than former NHL star Ryan Whitney

Is there a part of you that realizes that Hank is still more famous than you? [Ryan Whitney: I'm fully 100% aware of it.]

The tattoo has officially replaced the mustache as a symbol of American masculinity

Well, the tattoo probably replaced the mustache, you know?

Shooting 'granny style' should be rebranded to 'pimp grip' to make it cooler for NBA players

I think the problem is that it's called granny style because nobody wants to shoot it with that name. If it was like pimp grip or like called baller style or something like that, I feel like more people would try it.

The Canadian dollar is the only thing that can stop the Chicago Blackhawks

The only thing that can stop the Blackhawks is your stupid fucking Canadian dollar... because what they do is they keep escrow based on the Canadian dollar pretty much. So they're going to get none of the 20% they were paying.

The Pardon My Take table read of The Office was better than the original show

That was better than the real one, I think. Yep. We crushed it. Everyone. Wow. Why didn't he just do prison mic in every scene?

Benchining a player for being too fat isn't discrimination if they were already heavy when they signed

They accepted [Pablo Sandoval] as being a loud ass when they signed him. He was heavy. So they didn't discriminate in the beginning. And so they will accept him the way he was, but it turned out that he couldn't hit his weight.

I'm an underrated emailer because I'm more persuasive when people don't have to look at my face

I'm an underrated emailer. What can I say? I'm a lot more persuasive when people don't have to look at my face.

The punt is the most important play in football

No, I've said it's [the punt] the most important play. All right, the most important play.

The Knicks will never win as long as James Dolan is the owner

As long as James Dolan is the owner of the Knicks, the Knicks aren't winning shit. And you know that. I know that. Spike Lee knows that.

Joe Flacco is elite because he has a Super Bowl ring

Is Joe Flacco elite? Duh. Obviously. He won a Super Bowl. Hello.

Grayson Allen should seek treatment for his tripping addiction

He's addicted to tripping. He's got a problem. He should go to rehab. Go to rehab for tripping. Seek treatment.