Takes

Kliff Kingsbury is a fraud of a coach

Cliff... Definitely fraud. ... He's like the knockoff. Junkyard. Kyle Shanahan. ... Kliff Kingsbury is like to Jordan Belfort. Yeah, he's like comes up some penny stocks.

The Lakers are actually Anthony Davis's team

All I got right now is it's Anthony Davis's team. I think we can all agree on that.

The Baltimore Ravens are frauds until they can win from behind

The Baltimore Ravens are frauds. They are F-R-A-U-D-S frauds. They panic, they look terrible on Monday Night Football. The stat was 18 and 0 with a ten-point lead, 0 and 5 with a ten-point deficit. They can't come from behind. I don't trust that the Ravens offense can work when it gets in a hole or when it plays the Kansas City Chiefs.

Undecided voters deserve to be pushed off a building

If you're an undecided voter you deserve to be pushed off a building. If you don't know who you're going to vote for, do they exist? If you're an undecided voter tweet at us because I'm so interested in how you put on a hat in the morning without giving yourself a concussion.

Mitch Trubisky should be converted to a running back in a Wildcat-style role

Mitch led the team in rushing today... why not [be a running back] and he could every now and then throw it he could be taysom hill. Yes. Let us be a running back then I won't feel guilty about watching Mitch be on the sidelines. We could put him in the offense Matt Nagy you can have someone who can blame... have Mitch be a running back and Nick Foles would be the quarterback.

Erik Spoelstra is the only reason LeBron James won championships in Miami

Spoelstra's a very good coach. Honestly I'm a huge advocate of Spoelstra and he's the only reason that LeBron James ever won those championships in Miami in the first place.

Jimmy Butler is a top-five player in the NBA right now

Jimmy Butler could be top-five player ever ever. I thought I'd play right now. Absolutely.

The Saints should start Jameis Winston right now

Unleash Jameis Winston. I got a Meraki I I disagree with you on the Michael Thomas thing... the time is now it is Jameis a clock in New Orleans.

The Las Vegas Raiders' new stadium is the most erotic stadium ever built

I want to fuck The Las Vegas Raiders new stadium... I want to fuck it is the most erotic stadium that I've ever seen almost it almost looks better with no fans... that thing is sexy as shit, and I want to fucking fuck it.

I am betting on the Jets because Adam Gase said they are in 'hyperdrive'

My hot seats is the Indianapolis Colts because we're playing the Jets this week and Adam Gase said quote 'it's time to put this thing in hyperdrive.' Okay. So watch out Colts and Jets might score 12 points hyperdrive... I'm gonna have to bet on the Jets this weekend.

Daniel Jones is not the second coming of Eli Manning

I think we can officially say that Daniel Jones is not Eli Manning... I think we've seen enough to know that he is not Eli Manning.

Carson Wentz is officially bad at football

Eagles might just be bad and no offense Eagles fans, but Carson Wentz might just be bad... he just misses guys and throws interceptions and kind of just isn't good right now. He stunk today. It's time to push the panic button.

Bill O'Brien general manager should fire Bill O'Brien head coach

Bill O'Brien general manager of the Texans is firing Bill O'Brien head coach of the Texan. I would love to see it... It's the opposite of Bill Parcells when he was in Dallas and said if you're going to ask me cook dinner, then at least let me shop for the groceries.

The Bears are all the way back

Bears, Lions, the Bears are all the way back kind of... I'm not going to go crazy. Well, fantasy stud Mitchell Trubisky... he was three touchdowns zero interceptions... next week I'm legitimately excited to watch the Bears again.

Tom Brady looks old and slow in the Buccaneers offense

How do you think your boy Tom Brady looked? He looks pretty old. It's the truth... he looked pretty old today. It actually proved that Tom's Drew Brees-ing it. I am officially [saying] Taysom Hill is the better quarterback there.

Tesla for Tables: A self-leveling table technology

Tesla for tables... the table itself feels the surface around it and then adjusts so that there's never any wobble... every restaurant I go to has a set of wobbly table. All those tables wobble.

The NBA rigged Game 6 for the Raptors over the Celtics to get a Game 7 for ratings

I'm feeling nervous. I'm not gonna lie. Game 6 was clearly like the NBA and I understand where the NBA is coming from where they need the best ratings we could possibly get. If we could tell the refs, just call everything against the Celtics so we can get a game 7 for ratings. I understand it. It was clearly the post-game report admitted everything that happened on the stretch that was supposed to get called against the Celtics didn't.

The Buccaneers and Patriots Week 1 results will be a referendum on Tom Brady's legacy

What has to happen is we need the Buccaneers to win and the Patriots to lose or the Patriots to win the Buccaneers to lose so we can really hammer into that story. Storylines cannot be taken back. This weekend is a referendum on the life-altering change of course that Tom Brady made.

Mike Budenholzer should be fired on the spot

The quotes that Budenholzer had after they lost game three... I actually think he should be fired on the spot. He was saying that Giannis and Middleton, they're playing 33 to 36 minutes of game, and that's about their ceiling in the playoffs. He's saying about his MVP, right, 36? ... basically admitting his incompetence to the whole world.

I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl

There's a chance we see another Nathan Peterman. You want to get real fucking crazy with 2020? Get a Nathan Peterman tattoo. ... I'll gamble on Nathan Peterman winning a Super Bowl.

Tennis players should get a point for hitting a line judge

I think they should just make a new sport where the lines are always live and if you hit a line judge, you get an extra point. ... A dodgeball tennis hybrid. ... I'm saying you should get a point added on.

Leonard Fournette is the most frustrating goal-line back in NFL history.

I think Leonard Fournette might be the most frustrating goal line back in the history of the NFL proportion to his body type... and falling 6 inches short every single time.

Big Ben made his 'Bigger Than Ben' documentary specifically for the hosts of Pardon My Take.

I really think that he made this like there's two idiots who joke about how I'm like a dog who fakes injuries all the times. Let me make a documentary that just talking about my injury.

Chris Paul would easily be a top three or four US men's soccer player

Chris Paul's personality makes you forget how good a basketball he is because he's the worst anytime. Yeah. Well in the nuts anytime the guy shit, but he's awesome... I still think he would be Top three top for US men's soccer player. Yes easily.

Bronny James joining FaZe Clan is a money-laundering scheme for Coach K

So we're gonna snitch on Bronny. What percentage of FaZe Clan does Coach K own? It's dark money that's going into no one knows who finances it.

Jimmy Graham and Cole Kmet will be a dynamic duo for the Bears

Everyone knows [Jimmy Graham] is an elite blocker... they got Cole Kmet and Jimmy Graham. Dynamic duo. If we just get half of their production from last year, we're going to be great.

Ben Roethlisberger will gain 40 pounds by October

Can we make a documentary of me in a t-shirt right now so I can like memorialize this period in my life before I put on 40 more pounds in October? And he will be, like you said earlier, bigger than Ben now.

The Jazz and the Nuggets are the exact same team

I have to admit fully. I think the Jazz and the Nuggets are the exact same team. Both altitude, kind of similar colors. Like if you tell me Jazz nuggets, nuggets Jazz, I'm just like yeah, those are all the same guys. Like if you use lists the names and like you could tell me Donovan Mitchell's on the Nuggets. Neither of them are winning the championship, right? Correct.

Messi is better than Ronaldo because he is better at cheating on his taxes

Messi is probably got like a billion... He's better at shooting us, he got away with cheating on taxes for longer than Ronaldo did. Rinaldo you bitch. Messy has one, two, three, four, five, six golden boots. Count the booties.

The NFL will use false positive COVID tests as cover to let star players like Patrick Mahomes play on Sundays

The NFL has muddied the waters enough that we can now safely go into the NFL season just assuming every test that is positive is not actually positive until it's negative. Patrick Mahomes test positive on a Sunday morning... they'll be like, it's a false positive. He's going to play and then two days later be like, well the for positive reading footballs good job NFL

The Rockets will win the NBA title because the bubble environment eliminates their weaknesses

I've had a thought bubble in my head that I just think the Rockets are going to win the title just so that we can all discount Daryl Morey and James Harden and be like, that's not real... there's no fans behind the back distract[ing]... no strip clubs inside the bubble. That's a bonus for Harden.

Evanston is the greatest home field advantage at 11:00 AM in sports

I have a long-standing belief that it is truly the greatest Home Advantage in all football... you bet Northwestern 11:00 a.m. because there's teams... who played in bigger crowds than the 11:00 a.m. Northwestern. You catch teams on sleepwalking.

The Blazers could beat the Lakers in the first round of the NBA playoffs

Although the Blazers. I mean they are I think they are a team that could beat the Lakers first round. No I said could yes.

If you don't like Nickelback, you are a sheeple

Cool throne Nickelback. If you don't like Nickelback your sheeple.

The Patriots have a better chance of winning with Cam Newton than they did with Tom Brady

I think they have a better shot with Cam than Tom. Well, that's the thing. Holy shit. You think about that?

The seeds from China are 'murder gourds' designed to destroy American pumpkins and cancel Halloween

He planted him seeds and a gourd pops out. Personally I think that the gourd was... going to try to harm American gourds with some sort of disease or murder gourds. And guess what's a very American gourd? Pumpkin... trying to cancel Halloween exactly. Wow, and guess what? That's Because no pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving. Oh my gosh trickle down. Christmas gets ruined.

Tom Wilson isn't a scumbag; he's just misunderstood and people are afraid to look him in the eye

My fire Fest of the week is I have to come up with new reasons and new ways to defend Tom Wilson. No, he's not scumbag... I need a workshop a few ways. People are saying that Tom Wilson's running into people's backs... I don't think that that's the case at all. The best I could come up with at this point is that people afraid of Tom Wilson they're afraid to make eye contact with him.

The NCAA should run the March Madness tournament in a bubble right now

Why aren't we just doing the NCAA tournament right now? Like if someone... go, yeah. Hey, whoever wants to win the presidential election just pay for it. Like that would be pretty good. How about him in a bubble? And let's just do the NCAA tournament.

Gardner Minshew is effectively the vaccine for COVID-19

My hot seat is the coronavirus. That's right. It's back on the hot seat because we've discovered a vaccine. And that's just being Gardner Minshew. Yeah. So Gardner Minshew tested positive and he said that the virus took one look at him and turn the other way.

The Rock buying the XFL is a staged WWE-style feud with Vince McMahon

I think that this is work. I think that I think that this is WWE. A situation where the rock but McMahon's baby from underneath them. And now it's going to be like a WWE style Feud which is what the XFL should be in the first place.

Reading a Twitter fight between Clay Travis and Darren Rovell is worse than a 20-year prison sentence

If you're like, hey, you have to go to prison for the next 20 years or you have to spend the next two days reading their [Clay Travis and Darren Rovell] back and forth. I choose prison. Yeah, it's like the most popular nerd verse the least popular not nerd.

Aaron Rodgers would rather play for Mike McCarthy in Dallas right now

Aaron Rodgers right now... he would rather I think play for Mike McCarthy right now than Matt LaFleur. Yes who can say what you want about Mike McCarthy, but he never acquired a good quarterback to play behind them... Rodgers always good in Jerry world. So maybe he goes down to Dallas.

The 2020 NBA season only counts if LeBron James wins it

I think the Pelicans are going to win. I think the Clippers are going to win lock it up noted does the season count? Yeah, not as LeBron wins, correct good answer.

Bill Belichick is stashing impact players on a shadow team via COVID opt-outs

I think that the patrons might be putting together like a shadow team. Just getting through camp and he's got all these guys that he knows wants to be impact starters. He's like, they're gonna be my shadow team. They're going to stay healthy and then I'm going to bring him in before the season starts.

Viagra is an effective pre-workout supplement for getting a pump

And sildenafil is for a pump. It just gets your veins... sildenafil is the active ingredient Viagra, but it's sick for pump.

Aliens come from the center of the Earth, not outer space

Honestly, there's aliens of courting the government but I don't think the aliens come from outer space. I actually think that they come from within the center of the Earth... they are beings at the center of the earth that are coming to the surface.

Adam Silver should put a strip club inside the NBA bubble

I blame Adam Silver because Adam Silver should have a strip club inside the bubble. There should be a strip club. Yes. These are these are NBA players with needs and that among these are casual lap dances and Delicious lemon pepper barbecue wings.

I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky whenever the game temperature is exactly 66 degrees

Mr. Trubisky has by far the highest quarterback rating in the NFL when it's exactly 66 degrees... I'm absolutely going to open up my weather app every single Sunday morning. And if it's 66, I'm unloading on Mitchell Trubisky.

I would be more concerned about the COVID-19 response if Dr. Fauci threw a 90mph strike

It would actually be concerning to me if Dr. Fauci went out there and grooved one like 90 miles an hour right down the pipe. That would be like, I don't know if I want this guy leading my response to infectious disease.

Christian Pulisic is wasting his talent overseas and should play in the MLS to grow the game

I'm squatting on a take right now and that is getting mad at Christian Pulisic for not playing in the MLS. If he truly cared about American soccer, he would be over here... more people are becoming Chelsea fans than they are Charlotte FC.