Takes

The Cleveland Cavaliers should hire J.R. Smith as a player-coach

I am in full support of player coach J.R. Smith. J.R. Smith, player coach. Get it trending. Do it. Petty War. NBA Twitter, you got this.

The Jimmy Butler trade to the Rockets should cost at least seven first-round picks

I think it's got to be worth at least seven [first-round picks].

Archie Manning is the Kris Jenner of football

I think Archie Manning is the Kris Jenner of football... He really is. I agree with that. He has made it so that Peyton Manning... when he put his balls on someone's face? That one got erased. The Eli Manning fraud... when he was selling fake jewelry, that one got erased... Archie Manning, he is basically controlling the narrative of the Manning family and getting it to a point where I actually think the Giants ownership is afraid to bench Eli.

LeBron James moved to the Lakers to hide from his critics

Is LeBron James hiding from us? Because here's what happened. At like 12:30, I went to sleep. I missed all of the fourth quarter, missed the free throws... I think that LeBron James has moved out west because he knows... MJ people, we're getting a little older, got to get to sleep. The LeBron stans... they stay up all night... and LeBron knows he will not get criticized... Like, I should have been there hating LeBron when he missed those free throws. Except, father time has taken its hold on me, and I need to go to sleep.

Mitchell Trubisky is the best running quarterback in the league

In the windy city we go, where the NFL's best running quarterback, Mitchell Michael Trubisky, had Bears fans hammering the dog at plus two... Mitch is the best running quarterback in the league.

Patrick Mahomes throwing left-footed is better than Cody Kessler

Pat Mahomes throwing with his left foot is better than Cody Kessler.

Bob Wiley should be the Browns head coach because you can trust his gut

There is a dark horse candidate that I think America can all get behind, and that is Bob Wiley. If there's ever a coach that can go with his gut, that you should trust his gut, it's Bob Wiley.

Adam Thielen is the best wide receiver in the NFL right now

Thielen, here's a take. I think Thielen's the best wide receiver in the NFL right now. Boom. I said it.

Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl

I also think that Kirk Cousins is too big of a nerd to ever win a Super Bowl... I don't trust a guy like that... He basically thinks he's living inside of a ted talk right now and his job he like reads too many motivational quotes.

The Bengals/Chiefs over not hitting is a national tragedy

What just happened in that NFL game, not hitting the over, is a national tragedy. It needs to be investigated... It's fucking ridiculous that the Bengals only scored 10 points against the Chiefs defense.

Larry Fitzgerald is holding the Cardinals back and should retire

I think Larry Fitzgerald is holding the Cardinals back by not retiring. He's the captain, and he's taking shine away from his rookie QB... He's doing the saddest retirement tour.

Ancestry.com is a data-collection scheme to map the population for future control

That stupid fucking Ancestry.com... These fucking people, you're sending your DNA into the internet? Are you out of your fucking mind? And now they find all they need is 3 million people to do it. They can map out everybody... There's no fucking way they're not talking about it and trying to come up with solutions [for population control].

Elon Musk is likely just a 'beard' or a public-facing prop for more competent tech billionaires like Jeff Bezos

Elon Musk is the idiot. He's a prop... everyone's like, oh, look at this guy. He's a fucking idiot. They can't figure out robots... Meanwhile, Jeff Bezos is creating robots that are going to deliver packages from Amazon and spy on all of us.

Coach K has avoided the FBI investigation because his name is too difficult for agents to spell in reports

Coach K has somehow avoided all sorts of investigations and indictments because his last name is so difficult to spell if you're an FBI agent... you have to type out Krzyzewski probably 400 times... I'm saying no thank you, I'm going to investigate Bill Self.

Nick Bosa is a quitter for withdrawing from Ohio State before the draft

I'm just saying it's a black stain on the OSU program... I kind of think he's a quitter... if you can't play for an egomaniacal lying psychopath [Urban Meyer], why could you ever play for Dan Snyder?

Carson Wentz is 'damaged goods' and will get hurt again

I said [to WIP radio], Mahomes, then Goff, then Wentz, because Wentz is damaged goods. And he's got the torn ACL, and he plays with reckless abandon. He's going to get hurt again. That's just the way it is.

Eli Manning is a better quarterback than Peyton Manning

Eli had a great career. Two Super Bowls. Yeah, beat Tom Brady. How did that happen? The better Manning. The better of the two Mannings. Easily, in my estimation. Never lost Super Bowl.

Peyton Manning is not actually funny

Why have we decided that Peyton Manning is funny? Because he's a decent actor for an athlete. Okay, because I'm done with thinking Peyton Manning's funny. It's the same thing every time... SNL where he was throwing the balls at the little kids 15 years ago, and from that point forward, we've been like, that Peyton Manning, he's very funny. But it's not funny.

LeBron James should go to jail for giving his kids wine

Hot take, LeBron James should definitely go to jail, and this is the worst parenting move of all time, and I cannot believe that he is poisoning his children. I'm disgusted. I deleted my screensaver of LeBron James in a Lakers uniform, and I'll probably never watch NBA again.

Ben Roethlisberger is 'officially fully broken'

I don't know if we could say Ben [Roethlisberger] at home is a good quarterback right now. He's just, he's broken. He's broken. He is finally officially fully broken. It happened. Ben is broken.

2019 will be the 'Year of the Core'

We've already decided 2019's year of the core... Year of the core is going to be so lit. 2019, we're going to be sitting on medicine balls and shit or whatever the physio balls. I got a core. I just have a lot of shit on top of the core.

I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia doesn't exist in five minutes

I'm convinced that I could convince Kyrie Irving that Australia didn't exist if you gave me five to seven minutes in a room with him.

Candy corn is absolutely delicious and should be a year-round candy

Candy corn is absolutely delicious. I think it should be a year-round candy, and I can't wait to eat it for the next month.

PMT is 99% responsible for my second half performance

[What percentage of credit for my performance in the second half?] Like 99% probably.

NBA Twitter needs to chill out during October

October is football and baseball. Chill out, NBA Twitter. Let us have a fucking month... Enough, NBA Twitter. You get your time. We're going to all pay attention to you... from like February till essentially July. So just chill out.

Mitch Trubisky is the best quarterback in the NFL

The order was – Mitch Trubisky is the best quarterback probably in the NFL. Order was restored to how it should be.

Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback

Aaron Rodgers, uncoachable. I mean, look at his track record with backup quarterbacks. Aaron Rodgers is a system quarterback. Yes, exactly.

James Franklin made the worst play call of all time against Ohio State

James Franklin had somehow the worst play call off of two timeouts that I've ever seen. The Ohio State-Penn State game... fourth and five, needs it to keep the game alive. He's got three timeouts. He uses two of them to decide what to call and then calls a handoff that went nowhere.

Le'Veon Bell should fake a concussion test to get out of playing

He could probably do it. Also, he could just go and get concussed. That's true. That would probably be the easiest thing to do is just fake screwing up your concussion test. Right. Count backwards from seven and just count backwards from two every time.

Ryan Fitzpatrick is the best sliding quarterback in the NFL

I'll say this about him. I think [Ryan Fitzpatrick] is the league's best sliding quarterback. He knows exactly when to time his slides to make it just a little appetizing for the defender to throw a shoulder into his head. So sabermetrically, I'm sure he picks up more of those [penalties].

NFL offenses should stop blocking and let defenders hit the QB to draw 15-yard penalties

I'm actually at the point now where I think if I were a coach in the NFL, I would say to my offensive line, just treat every play like a screen and half of you don't block. And let them get to the quarterback because we'll most likely get 15 yards.

Arkansas was the better team despite losing 34-3 to Auburn

The 34-3 score was not indicative of how well the Razorbacks played. Special teams played dictated that score. So the better team didn't win... 34-3. Arkansas outplayed them. Except for the score.

Josh Allen is a better running quarterback than Cam Newton

Josh Allen, better running quarterback than Cam Newton.

Patrick Mahomes will win MVP and be inducted into the Hall of Fame in his rookie year

I think he's going to be the first player ever in his rookie year to win MVP and automatic induction to the Hall of Fame.

Eli Manning should just retire already

Fuck Eli Manning. How many times is Eli Manning going to sack himself when I put a little fucking cashola on the Giants in a Sunday night game? Fuck you, Eli Manning. Just retire, you fucking asshole.

Jon Gruden is intentionally sabotaging the Raiders to get back at Al Davis

I think this might be intentional... he had like a feud with Al Davis and whispered in his ear on Al's deathbed: 'Listen to me, you son of a bitch. I'm going to come back, and I'm going to wreck your franchise.'

The Bears are a Super Bowl contender

I watched part of the game, and I'm telling you, this team is a Super Bowl contender. I'm dead serious. That defense. You're not telling me that defense—I mean, I agree, but shut up. The defense is Super Bowl caliber.

Jason Witten might be a robot

So are we sure Jason Witten is still alive? He is a robot, and I do not understand why they overthink these things so much and just not put Booger McFarland in the studio. You could actually hear Booger McFarland getting mad at Jason Witten.

Bears vs. Seahawks is the most important game in franchise history

I think the Bears, as I said, not me overreacting to the loss against the Packers. I called it the most important game in franchise history. And as such, I think they will win.

Roger Goodell is making kickers miss to justify getting rid of ties

We had a theory last year... that Roger Goodell was trying to save football or at least appear like he was the good guy by having all of his kickers miss these easy field goals so that he could come in and change the rules and get rid of ties altogether.

Nick Saban is an underachiever because he only wins a title every other year

Nick Saban's an underachiever... with this in mind, five national titles really does not seem like enough in an 11-year period. If Saban were as good at being a head coach as he is at recruiting, Alabama would have won the national title on a yearly basis. But he isn't.

The Lions have already quit on Matt Patricia

The Lions already quit on Matt Patricia. I think he's already lost the locker room. I'm going to go all the way there... They already hate Matt Patricia. They already hate that stupid backwards hat and the trash bag he wears.

NASA is only calling Pluto 'not a planet' to stay in the news

That was such a fucking classic. Is Pluto a planet? That was a classic NASA, like, we don't have enough shit to do, so we're going to make Pluto not a planet, and then in a few months we're going to be like, actually, just kidding, it is a planet... NASA likes to keep their name in the press.

George W. Bush was likely on steroids for his 9/11 first pitch

Greatest first pitch of all time... How come nobody's ever asked? Was George Bush on steroids? It was the height of the steroid era. Did W take PED? ... why wouldn't you rub a little bit of cream on your arm? Absolutely. Put some clear underneath your tongue.

Ben Roethlisberger is bad now because he's too skinny

He's bad now that he's skinny. He doesn't know how to operate without all that extra padding around him. He just drops back, and since he doesn't have that padding, he's used to defensive ends just hitting him and bouncing off him or just being absorbed by his fat.

I am not a Patrick Mahomes guy

I want to be on the record that I am not a Mahomes guy. Okay. Put me on the record. Put me in the history books.

Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator

I actually think Alex Jones would be a decent NFL defensive coordinator if you gave him just like two years in a dark room with some playbooks. Just showed him the basic concepts and let him just motivate the guys. He's like if Jim Tomsula took LSD at a very young age.

The Cleveland Browns are a false flag organization for the Pittsburgh Steelers

I have a long-standing theory that the Cleveland Browns are a false flag organization for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Like, their owner that they have, Jimmy Haslam, is a former Steelers owner. I think that they were just kind of brought back into the league to inflate the Steelers' record artificially.

If you don't like mayonnaise, you are probably homophobic and misogynistic

If you don't like mayo, you're actually, well, and also, you're probably kind of homophobic and a little misogynistic. Because you're just like, your masculinity is threatened by having this creamy, delicious spread just down your throat.

Tom Brady shipped Jimmy Garoppolo to San Francisco because he was a Republican

I think he shipped Jimmy Garoppolo out to San Francisco because Jimmy G was a Republican. And he didn't like having a Republican as his teammate. So he's like, I'm going to send you out to hang out with all the libs out in San Francisco.