Takes

Jameis Winston telling women to be silent and polite is hypocritical because he was told he had the right to remain silent

Well, it's a bit hypocritical that people are jumping down Winston's throat. When he was told that he had the right to remain silent, nobody said anything about it. But now he's telling women that, and I guess that's not fair.

Skip Bayless is right that Bill Belichick is only a very good coach, not a great one, because he hasn't won without a quarterback

Kings stay kings. He said, I don't think he's a great coach. I think he's a very good one... Bill Belichick has not won a Super Bowl without a quarterback. Not that good. He's good. He's great. He's very good, but he's not great. Right. Exactly.

The bench press is the only true measure of an alpha male and a quarterback's locker room command

Mitch Trubisky... he's not benching. I would bench so hard if I was that. That would be the only thing I would train for. That's really the only thing that you can measure man to man is the bench press. Who's the bigger man? How much can you bench? Alpha dog shit. Right, and you're looking for a quarterback? You want a guy that commands the locker room, a guy that benches more than everybody.

Larry II committed suicide because he couldn't face an NFL offseason without football

Possible suicide because Larry was a football guy. He loved gambling. He was really good at it. He liked the games. He got a little taste of what the offseason looked like... the week without football really crushed him, and he couldn't bear looking ahead to the next six months without any games.

Kobe Bryant failed in his attempt to copy Michael Jordan's entire career

Do you ever sit back and you are like, damn, Kobe Bryant tried to copy everything Michael Jordan did and he totally failed?

The Chargers and Clippers are garbage and Los Angeles doesn't want them

San Diego, keep your teams, man. Keep your garbage. First you sent us the Clippers. Now we got the Chargers. You know what I mean? It sucks, man. Who want them?

Autoplay videos are good because they remind you to close old browser tabs

I keep tabs open, about eight tabs at a time, and most of the tabs are open for about six hours. If you have an autoplay video that starts after three hours of me being on that website—it reminds me to close out the tab.

Donald Trump not filling out a March Madness bracket is the most treasonous thing a person could do

Trump has said that he's not filling out a bracket for March Madness. Not filling out a bracket is probably the most treasonous thing you could do. I agree. I think that this could be what flips some Republicans.

Lawrence, Kansas is a great everything-else town, but college sports is on the back burner

I don't think that necessarily [Lawrence is] a bad sports town. I just think that they're a great everything else town. And, you know, they keep it in the right perspective, and college sports is on the back burner.

The UConn women's basketball winning streak is bad for the sport

Is UConn women's basketball bad for the sport? Because they're about to get 100 wins in a row. Love it. So we're getting that conversation back. Can they beat Alabama? Going right back into the swing of things in sports.

James Dolan planted security to get Charles Oakley banned from MSG

I think it's James Dolan continues to disrespect the Garden by putting out awful teams and not caring. And I think, stay woke, that was all a plant to get him [Oakley] banned from the Garden forever because if you noticed, it was security guards all around him. He got mad because I think that's just Charles Oakley's resting heartbeat.

Alabama could win 10 games with my dick as offensive coordinator

At the very least, Chip's going to win 10 games at Alabama because Alabama could win 10 games with my dick at offensive coordinator.

The Cavaliers are now Kyrie Irving's team, not LeBron James'

Kyrie hit the big shot. You know why? So now here's the question. This is Kyrie's team.

James White should have been the Super Bowl 51 MVP over Tom Brady

James White had a great game. Getting in on the fun. He should have been MVP. He had three touchdowns. He was all over the field. They had no answer for him. Tom Brady did the old Brett Favre. It was a participation trophy for Tom Brady. It was a lifetime achievement award.

Every game in sports history is fixed

My take is, I don't know for certain, which is why I asked the question. Everything in the history of the world is fixed. Every game is fixed. Everything is fixed.

The Atlanta Falcons might not actually be good

Are the falcons good? I don't know... they had some bad losses. They lost the chiefs, the chargers too, right?... The Falcons might not be good. Actually, if you look at the first half of the Super Bowl, they were good. Second half, not so good. You know what I'm doing? I'm crossing them off my list.

Roger Goodell is being negligent by not knowing Barstool since they've been 'threatening his life'

[Roger Goodell] said he had never heard of Barstool Sports before. I believe him, yo. Which is bullshit. And as Dave and Hank mentioned, he's being negligent if he doesn't know who Barstool is because they were the ones that have been threatening his life. Allegedly. Through his own ignorance, he's actually putting the entire NFL in harm's way by not making sure that he takes all the precautions to stay alive.

Mike Wilbon is actually a blogger because his job is the same as Barstool's

Has somebody explained to Mike Wilbon that his job is pretty literally our job? So he's a blogger, too. He doesn't even write columns anymore. You know what? Anybody that doesn't like bloggers, guess what? You're a blogger. I'm going to call you a blogger.

Coach K took a leave of absence just to create 'adversity' as an excuse for Duke potentially failing

I figured it out. Duke was the favorite to win the national title. ... Coach K just added his own little adversity, so when he ultimately fails this season and doesn't coach them to a national title, he said, well, I dealt with a lot of outside things this year.

The Cleveland Browns will go 8-8 and Hue Jackson will be Coach of the Year in 2017

Hugh Jackson is going to go eight and eight next year. The Cleveland Browns are going to turn it around. He can build on that one-win season. Hugh Jackson, coach of the year, 2017. Book it.

I could beat up Neil deGrasse Tyson

I hate Neil deGrasse Tyson. Hey, Neil, come on this podcast or fight me. One of the two. Fight me, you nerd. You won't. I think I could beat up Neil deGrasse Tyson.

The entire city of Houston is a front for a drug operation

I think the entire city of Houston is just a front for some sort of drug operation. That's failing because I don't know what... None of these stores are... I don't know... And the drug operation itself is failing, too.

Tiger Woods missing the cut is actually good because he can't get injured during the final two rounds

Other spin zone, he only played two rounds because he missed the cut. So that's two less rounds you could injure himself in. Less wear and tear. Smart move getting ready for the Masters. Way to save yourself.

Hiring a failed broadcaster as GM is a winning strategy

The nice thing is you always, when you're an owner of a football team, you always want to find the guy that failed at broadcasting and hire him to be the GM. Yes, exactly. That never, ever fails.

The NFL is stirring up political protests via back channels to boost the Falcons' Rise Up hashtag

A little stay woke on this. NFL stirring up controversy through back channels to get people to tweet the Rise Up hashtag. I actually completely agree with you because what's one of the storylines of this Super Bowl? Atlanta, bad sports town. Not a lot of Falcons fans. Guess what? Now we are all Falcons fans.

Winning a Masters or Daytona 500 should automatically grant you a green card and the right to vote

Langer's not even allowed to vote because he's a German national... But I think if you win a Masters, that's so American that if you have a green jacket, you should be allowed to vote. I don't care what country you're from. I want you to have a say in who our next leader is. A green jacket equals a green card. Absolutely. Or if you win a Daytona 500, I don't care what continent you're from. You're an American now.

Losing an eye is actually a performance-enhancing drug for basketball players

I'm going to go with hurt, not injured on this one. So if you lose an eye, you don't have to worry about depth perception. It's like when you're shooting a rifle, you close one eye... Losing an eye is a performance-enhancing drug.

The NFL is in cahoots with the Green Bay Packers and Dallas Cowboys

Because everybody loves Green Bay. Everybody wants to see Green Bay on top. ... Oh, so conspiracy. The league. The league has a conspiracy. ... Headline grab. ... Green Bay is in cahoots with the league. Yeah. They like the... Done. It was Dallas, you know.

The Packers are essentially ISIS for Jordy Nelson wearing a Kevlar vest

This is a respect to biz for Jordy Nelson to start respecting the military more. It's stolen valor for him to be wearing body armor without actually getting shot at during the game. ... Basically the Packers are ISIS.

Adrian Peterson is currently better than Le'Veon Bell

[Le'Veon Bell] is the best running back in the NFL? I think Adrian Peterson is still better than he is.

Pete Carroll is a cheater for lying on injury reports

My hot seat is Pete Carroll, coach of the Seattle Cheahawks. Got caught cheating... by lying about his injury report saying Richard Sherman, he had an injury the whole season, and he basically lied on the injury report every single week... his crime was lying and cheating.

Rick Pitino only vouched for Grayson Allen because Allen didn't snitch on him

Rick Pitino... he vouched for [Grayson Allen]. He said, I think it's a reflex action when he does something wrong. He'll lunge out or he'll trip somebody. But he's a good person. I know he's a good person. Rick Pitino went and checked it out... Grayson Allen's a good guy. He didn't tell on Rick. So he's a good guy.

Ben Roethlisberger doesn't know what emotions are and interprets all feelings as physical pain

Ben, he thinks that any emotion is pain. He doesn't know what emotions are, but he knows that when he feels something, he's like, that is pain, and I feel it in my deep soul... When Ben learned something new, he's like, ow, my head, it's pain. It's headache. I hurt my brain learning, but I will play through it.

A combined roster of the Rams and Chargers would still not be able to win the AFC South

With a combined roster of the best players from the Rams and the Chargers, could Los Angeles win the AFC South? No.

Alabama recruits should be upgraded from Dodge Chargers to Mercedes

Fair or not, Nick Saban should stop giving everyone, all his recruits, Dodge Chargers... Maybe upgrade them to the Mercedes, the new Mercedes, please.

Bubba Watson is the biggest dickhead on the PGA Tour

We'll give it to [Bubba Watson] just for fun. He's one of my best friends, but... Just for fun, Bubba Watson's the biggest dick on tour. Got it.

Tony Siragusa is a closeted actor

It sounds to me like he's [Tony Siragusa] got some pent-up latent actor tendencies. It's like homophobes are usually, secretly, they have homosexual tendencies. So it sounds like Tony's just a closeted actor. A closeted thespian.

Ben Roethlisberger gets smarter when he is concussed

I think Roethlisberger gets smarter when he gets concussed. Right, his head gets out of his own way. Right, he's just like a big, dumb animal. All of his terrible thoughts are no longer functioning in his head, so he's able to operate like a normal human being.

Lane Kiffin is a 'child' and a 'loser' who air-mailed the national semifinal

Lane Kiffin is a child. And Nick Saban tried to nurture him and be a father figure. And in the end, he punched Saban in the mouth on the way out... I think it was the fact that Lane Kiffin, and this is hard to imagine, this statement I'm about to make, literally air-mailed in the national semifinal in college football. It's like he didn't bother... I just think he's a loser.

Alabama could beat the Cleveland Browns

I think they could, and every time I say that, these purists get crazy. And Danny Sheridan said the line would be 27, but I really think by the end of the season they could, yeah. I'm with Alabama over the Browns.

Miko Grimes is actually a schizophrenic alter ego of Brent Grimes

I don't think that Miko Grimes is a person. I don't think she exists. I think maybe he's schizophrenic. He's got an alternate personality, and he tweets from her perspective. He gets to say all the stuff that he wants to say about his employer.

The Houston Texans are better off without J.J. Watt

I want their team to go so far in the playoffs that are the Houston Texans better without J.J. Watt takes start to heat up. Because if they win, I'll say if they win two playoff games. Yeah, if they win two playoff games, you're going to get those takes, and I'm here for those.

Pete Carroll is 'more woke' at night and believes 9/11 was an inside job

Day Pete Carroll thinks that 9-11 was an inside job, night Pete Carroll knows 9-11 was an inside job. Absolutely. He's more woke at night. He's a bat. He's nocturnal. Pete Carroll the owl.

The Miami Dolphins' teal and aqua uniforms do not belong in the NFL playoffs

I'm just going to say it, right? The Dolphins' uniforms are not playoff uniforms. They aren't. That's a hot take, I know, but it's the truth. Teal and that aqua and all that shit doesn't belong in the playoffs.

The Green Bay Packers are not built for cold weather at Lambeau Field

You know what my favorite take is? The Packers aren't built for Lambeau. They're playing in the wrong stadium. This is a new look. Yeah, they almost wish they were somewhere else. They wish they didn't have a home game.

Coach K's leave of absence was a PR move to shield Grayson Allen from the headlines

My theory is that the Coach K leave of absence is one to take headlines away from Grayson. Because that's all he was talking about. And K said, if I step away—and by the way, both of these things are happening right after they get smoked at Virginia Tech. That's not a coincidence either.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played well in his absence

Well, [Brady] is also a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played pretty well. So, yeah. You can't give it to a system quarterback.

Planes should have giant parachutes to prevent crash landings

I was watching the movie Sully... and I was just wondering, why don't planes just build parachutes so if that happens they can just parachute down and not have to worry about crash landing? Like inside the plane so it's like oh shit the engine's failed, pop parachute, safe.

Nick Saban is using Hitler-style propaganda to motivate Alabama

This is actually a real technique that Hitler used. To just make up fake news and pretend that you're oppressed. It's called propaganda. Saban's Goebbels. So you're in charge of thinking of all these bad things to say about Alabama.

Coach K isn't actually hurt because you coach with your spine, not your back

Hurt or injured, Coach K? I'd say neither. You don't coach with your back. You coach with your spine. And I know that sounds counterintuitive. It's like you coach with your spine, bro.