Takes

The Houston Texans might actually be better without J.J. Watt

And we're all have to wonder, are the Texans better without J.J. Watt?

Home PAs should trick Russell Wilson by pretending to be the voice of God

Russell Wilson is the kind of guy that you could imagine a PA guy getting on the mic and going, 'Russell, this is God. I need you to throw an interception.' And Russell Wilson would at least consider that might be God... He thinks God talks to him. There are ways that you can exploit that.

Conor McGregor is the most electric athlete in all sports right now

Is Conor McGregor the most electric athlete in all sports right now? I think he is. I actually think he is. He's the one guy in the world where I have to watch everything he does... what Conor McGregor does is not only the fight, but it's after the fight. You have to watch what he says. He's unbelievable.

Magic Johnson is healthier than LeBron James because he conquered AIDS

I would make the case Magic Johnson might be a little bit more healthy [than LeBron]. Like the guys, he's conquered AIDS. 25 years. But I guess they didn't factor AIDS into this equation. But still.

A unified hatred of being a Browns fan is the only thing that can pull the nation together

The most healing thing might be to sit down and all watch the Browns because we're all experiencing relief that at least we're not Browns fans. That is the one thing that can pull our nation together, our unified hatred of potentially being a Browns fan.

LeBron James is due to get busted for steroids at any time

And LeBron's due to get busted for steroids any time now.

NFL coaches wearing windbreakers with flags during Salute to Service month is 'stolen valor.'

I like the windbreakers that the coaches are wearing on the sidelines. They have their name and the American flag on it. It's basically a military uniform that they're wearing. So you could consider it to be stolen valor.

Anthony Rizzo gave the World Series ball to Cubs owner Tom Ricketts to suck up for a new contract.

Kind of a nice gesture, but like, dude, you're just giving away $2 million? Weird, right? Well, maybe Anthony Rizzo signed a contract... He's wildly underpaid. So maybe he's doing a little brown-nosing to get the owner to rip up the contract and give him some more money.

LeBron James was hungover for the Celtics game after drinking a beer at the World Series

LeBron got caught on TV sipping a little beer... You should have bet on the Celtics last night because LeBron James was hungover. A little dinged up.

LeBron James would be the best hockey player ever but would never play due to minor injuries

LeBron would be the best hockey player of all time... [but] he wouldn't play in one because in the preseason he'd probably get like an elbow bruise. Like, you know when you, like, hurt your bursitis in your elbow?

I will get a sex change if Jimmy Butler wins NBA MVP

I'll put this out. I will go ahead and I'll have a sex change if Jimmy Butler becomes the MVP. I will become Marlon's woman. Done.

Roger Goodell is orchestrating NFL ties by having kickers miss short field goals on purpose

These teams are tying on purpose. Roger Goodell has the kickers in his back pocket... There's been five missed field goals in the entire season, 30 yards or less, and two of them happened in the same game [Seahawks-Cardinals]? ... He's going to fix the ties. We're going to get another tie. I'm telling you.

Joe Paterno is 'looking up' proud of the Penn State Nittany Lions

Somewhere, somewhere, Joe Paterno is looking up so proud of his former team, the Penn State Nittany Lions.

Joe Thomas bribing journalists with BBQ is a violation of ethics

Mary Kay Cabot... tweeted out yesterday that Joe Thomas bought us lunch today trying for the third Good Guy Award... Joe brought them all barbecue... respect the biz. You can't be accepting free barbecue. This is probably why the Browns have gotten such glowing press.

Arian Foster retired because he is an atheist and quit football on a Monday

My hot seat is atheism... Arian Foster quit last night. He's an atheist. Straight up quit. People don't talk about him being an atheist, but he quit football. Nice of an atheist to give up on a Monday instead of giving up on Sundays for the change.

LeBron James is indestructible because he is using steroids

Well, if they somehow outlaw steroids in the next few months, LeBron... I mean, that's exactly what steroids would do, I think. When everyone's kind of out of gas and you have that extra gear... The hoop looks three times bigger when you're juicing.

Jimmy Butler is not a top 20 player in the NBA

PFT has a hot take that Jimmy Butler is not a top 20 player in the NBA. [PFT]: No.

Brock Osweiler should donate $25,000 to charity for every interception he throws

My other piece of advice would be... He's got a lot of money. Start a charity where every time he throws an interception, he donates like $25,000 to a charity. And then people can't get mad at him for interceptions. Or else you're basically killing children.

Kyle Schwarber used steroids to recover from his ACL injury in six months

Kyle Schwarber... Been doing a little literature research... I was reading an interview with a doctor from April. He said there's very, very, very, very little chance he comes back. He would need a superhuman recovery to make it back for the World Series... Literature research says Kyle Schwarber's on steroids.

NFL Week 7 of 2016 is an 'Apple Picking Weekend' for fans with significant others

The slate, by the way, is so bad... This is an apple-picking weekend. If you have a significant other, if you have a girlfriend, if you have a boyfriend, it's 2016, if you have a wife, whatever you got... This is when you say, 'hey honey, I was thinking maybe we could go to the farm and get some cider donuts and do some apple picking.' Boom. You missed the worst slate. That's apple picking.

Dez Bryant did not actually cut his finger making soup

I have a feeling he wasn't making soup. I have a feeling he cut his finger doing something else. Are we staying woke on this one? This seems a little sus, as Hank would say.

The sun is on the Hot Seat because its glare could cause the Bills to lose

Miami Dolphins to beat the Bills this weekend because she [USA Today podcast host's mom] doesn't think that the Bills are going to be able to handle the glare of the Miami sun. It's a fair point. Developing situation. Let's keep an eye on it... The sun is on the hot seat right now, so this could really be it.

Stephen Hawking is a government propaganda myth who was replaced years ago

Stephen Hawking, I think, is similar to PFT's JJ theory. Stephen Hawking died many years ago, but the government needed to keep up his... His propaganda so they just put a replacement Stephen Hawking in that chair. Whatever it's like yeah He just like invented space and shit.

Joe Maddon needs to get rid of his thick-framed glasses because players won't play hard for a nerd

Number two, I think it might be time to change the glasses. You can't... You've never seen a champion with thick frames like that before. It was cute at first, Joe. We get it. Get rid of the glasses, and then I think... Players won't play hard if their manager's a nerd.

Aaron Rodgers is currently playing the worst football of his career

He's playing so poorly right now. Packer fans definitely don't want to hear it, but he is playing the worst ball he's played in his career, and it's pretty much everything that's failing him. Everything. His footwork, his mechanics, his ability to not look at the rush, pre-reads, post-reads, everything.

Aaron Rodgers is a nerd

Well, we know he's a nerd. Princess Bride is his favorite movie. Name me a nerd that won the Super Bowl.

Curt Schilling loses his man card for needing his wife's permission to run for Senate

Curt Schilling said today that he is running for the U.S. Senate. He's made his decision. He's going to run, but he hasn't talked to his wife yet. And, yeah, he has to ask her permission... Man card on Curt. Hand over your man card.

Clayton Kershaw doesn't have the clutch gene

Kershaw doesn't have the clutch gene. Make sure you mention that when he pitches. But did he, 12 innings pitched, 8 in runs? Was that really clutch?

Odell Beckham Jr. has officially matured because he proposed to a kicking net

Thoughts and prayers to Odell Beckham's immaturity because he's clearly grown up now. He's just a tremendous young man... because he learned his lesson. The lesson was stop making it about you and having all these antics. And so he did that by proposing to the net.

'Big Fawcett' started the myth about washing apples to sell more water

I think this is where the whole myth of why you need to wash your apples got started... [poisoned candy myths]. I think this is where Big Fawcett really sunk their teeth into the situation, tried to convince people to wash them.

Ken Bone is a plant for the coal industry

Ken Bone, his employer — one of the biggest coal plants in America. And also a coal company that is opposed to climate change... regulations... So I don't know where these dots lead to, but it seems like a plant to me. Coal plant.

Auston Matthews' 4-goal debut is suspicious and requires a 'witch hunt'

Austin Matthews... He had three goals on his first three shots in the NHL. He actually had four goals on the night in his debut... Hmm. Interesting. Maybe a frozen envelope... I'm just saying maybe these bullies just, hey, yo, we'll let Austin.

Tonic water is straight garbage

The number one worst non-alcoholic drink. It's tonic water. Tonic water is straight garbage. If I see anybody drinking that in my presence, it makes me want to hurl.

Double Stuf Oreos are the only real 'regular' Oreos

Double Stuf are legitimate regular Oreos. Old school Oreos are definitely diet Oreos. These thin Oreos that people are trying to say are already diet Oreos? No. Those just aren't real.

Tim Tebow is causing seizures in order to 'save' people

Maybe Tim's got some metal in him... He's either causing the seizure... He's basically a human Pokemon. He is a Pokemon, and he's giving people seizures. He's causing the seizures and he's treating them, which is... a good position for business.

Ken Bone is a government plant to distract us from the election

I think that Ken Bone is either a plant for the Red Sweater Company... or he might be just a guy that's inserted in there to make us just stop freaking out about the election. I think that Ken Bone might actually be like a Jason Bourne type situation where he's an assassin.

The Alabama Crimson Tide could beat the Cleveland Browns

I think it's time to dust off the old could Alabama beat the Browns argument again. I love it. It's that time of year. I don't know. Alabama's looking good. They got an offense now.

Losing an election should result in an immediate prison sentence

That should actually be the rule in this country. If you lose the election, you should have to go to prison.

This is finally the breakout year for Reggie Bush

I think this is the year for Reggie Bush. ... So on the year, his year average is negative four. So today he had three, so I think that was the rush he needed.

Former NFL linebacker James Anderson could clean out the UFC heavyweight division

James Anderson... I've been actually trying to convince to fight. ... This dude could fight. He really could. He is so athletic and violent, and he understands it. And he's not a big name, but he would clean out the heavyweight division.

The NFL will finally cure breast cancer this year

I think this is the year that the NFL finally cures it [breast cancer]. ... Stay woke on breast cancer.

The NFL is done and finished due to tanking ratings

I think the NFL might be done. So their ratings are just tanking... why am I even tuning in if I'm not seeing a person dressed up like a superhero?

The NFL should bring back O.J. Simpson to fix their ratings

Just let O.J. Simpson back in the league. If you let O.J. play at running back for one game and just get destroyed... In the past year, what have we learned? We don't give a shit as Americans what it is. If it's about O.J. Simpson and it's on TV, we will watch it. So bring O.J. back. Yes, let him run. Bring the juice back.

Odell Beckham Jr. is basically European

Odell Beckham, maybe you should put Pacifier in your mouth. You're basically European, dude. Hey, I know you like to not use one of your hands. Use none of them and go play soccer. You like to dance around and flop. You like the weird hair.

Toronto has the best atmosphere for baseball playoff games because they act like hockey fans

I love Toronto's atmosphere for these games. It feels like the Thunderdome, Terrordome, the Coliseum, if you will, best of the best. They are a bunch of hockey fans watching a baseball game.

There was a second ball in the pile during the Browns-Redskins Duke Johnson fumble play

I would also like to say that I'm a truther. I think that there were two balls on the play. I think that there was a second ball that was in the pile that we don't see, and then Duke Johnson had the other one.

ESPN First Take's ratings are down because Stephen A. Smith failed to kidnap Kevin Durant

So they need some help because First Take, when they lost Skip Bayless, both sides lost. Ratings are down because people realize that Stephen A. Smith wasn't going to back up that talk. They're like, oh, this guy's not going to kidnap anyone.

Europe is on the hot seat for being off its game across all sports

My hot seat, I've got the entire country of Europe. Europe has been off its game. They can't win at the Olympics. They can't win at the Ryder Cup. They lost England.

Germany is the Russell Westbrook of countries

Europe's stuck with Russell Westbrook, a.k.a. Germany. Cyborg, super talented, kind of scary. Yeah, they just freak out every now and again. Then you have to do a rebuilding process. Dress weirdly.

Skyline Chili is a prank the city of Cincinnati pulled on the rest of the world.

What do you think about my theory that the city of Cincinnati basically was like, we're going to pull a prank on the rest of the world and tell them that when they come here, they've got to try the diarrhea chili?