Takes

Delaware is only known for tax shelters and Joe Biden's corpse

Delaware number one a number one Delaware. What is in Delaware? Those people are tax. They've got a heart attack... all that's in Delaware is I guess Joe Biden's corpse and those weird tax companies credit card companies.

New York would be nice if it wasn't for the 80% of the population that is here

I will go with the state. We're all in right now, New York. Wooohooo! York State the Big Apple... since this quarantine is started... you realize a New York could be nice if like 80% of the population, which is All the time because like walking around during quarantine. It's nice.

Oklahoma is the JV version of Texas and robbed the world of the SuperSonics

Oklahoma... I don't really like the JV Texas. It's JV Texas tornadoes really suck. And also I'll be honest... I still feel like the The Thunder have blood on their hands for robbing the world of the SuperSonics.

NCAA athletes have a basic human right to monetize their name, image, and likeness

I just want listen the whole idea that everyone's going to get a salary... is probably not accurate, but I do think just the basic human right of being able to monetize your image likeness and name it something that is attainable for athletes. And that that is the thing I think is most realistic and I want to focus on.

Paying a running back is never worth it

Tell me when paying running back is worth it. It's never worth it. It sounds like a good idea at the time. And if you're a new head coach, this is such a new head coach move... it's like ordering shots of Jagermeister. Well, sounds good. And then later on it's like having sex raw dog. It's good in the moment. Nine months later you're like, 'fuck, I definitely should have done that.'

Aaron Rodgers is the fourth greatest quarterback of all time

My number four [is] Aaron Rodgers. Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback that I've ever seen in terms of like the throws he can make, everything that they can do. In his prime, like those four, five, six years, the Packers were never out of a game.

Dan Marino was Patrick Mahomes before Patrick Mahomes

Dan Marino had five years where he led the league in passing... he was like Patrick Mahomes before Patrick Mahomes. When you talking about his second year in the league when he had 48 touchdowns in 1984... which is fucking ridiculous.

Digging up old draft prospect tweets is the lamest thing you can do

I actually think there's nothing lamer than plotting ahead and trying to fuck up the biggest night of somebody's life because they had some weird tweets... if you're 13 and you're not tweeting out crazy stuff, you're not taking enough chances.

Rudy Gobert is essentially a savior for forcing the world to take COVID-19 seriously

Rudy was kind of like a bad guy, but he was almost like a savior... he possibly saved some lives by doing an immature act because after the incident, the NBA led the charge and shut down sports. From there it was a spiral where everyone else was like, 'it's time to shut down the world.'

Russell Westbrook is the greatest Thunder player ever, even if KD was the best

Russell Westbrook was the greatest Thunder ever. I didn't say he was the best player to ever play for the Thunder... the greatest is like a person who held it down... put up some great numbers. When you hear the name Thunder, you think of this person. Katie [Durant] left the door open.

Old school NBA coaches are becoming extinct

It's a different type of it's not like old school no more. Like these old school coaches are coming extinct. It's a player's league. You got to have coaches that's going to understand the players... I almost think that Gregg Popovich's time is almost, you know, he's done a great job, but maybe it's time for new change.

Church is one of the worst places to be drunk

My number one, I'll go with... Church. If you just like taking sacrament too many times, blood of Jesus. You're the biggest lightweight of all time and you're an embarrassment.

I have absolutely zero interest in the NBA HORSE competition

We did have HORSE last night which I'll tell you right now. I did not watch did not tune into that. Zach LaVine, that's really the only Zach LaVine who competes in every single like off-the-books contest there is at the end that the NBA can throw at you. Chris Paul, Paul Pierce, really no interest in it whatsoever.

MLB should use completely random divisions if they play a shortened season

I'm actually all for this because it's going to be such a weird season anyway. If they play a shortened season that why not have just completely random divisions and have it beat something totally different where we always look back and I'm like, oh, yeah, that was the season that the Cubs were in the same division as the Giants.

Donald Trump is a better golfer than Barack Obama

You've golfed with both Trump and Obama who's better? [Trump]. Trump's better, a little better. Yeah.

College football coaches are the last people who should be commenting on the coronavirus

I can't stress this enough like the very last people that you want to comment on coronavirus are college football coaches. They cannot at any point understand what's going on... All they're thinking about is getting their boys back... If you want a quote that will not look good, just go ask any college football coach in America.

Calamari is a trash appetizer

Calamari. Everyone always orders it. I'm always at tables where they just like, oh, well, just get calamari, assuming I want calamari. I'm just like no... if you don't have sauce, it's disgusting.

Deviled eggs are gross as a party appetizer

I think deviled eggs are gross to eat like an appetizer form. Like if you're out and you eat a deviled egg, it's like okay have cool egg breath for the rest of the fucking night, dude.

The Bloomin' Onion is a disappointment; just order onion rings

Whenever you order it, it's always disappointment. The Bloomin' Onion. Think about it, like why? Just order onion rings.

Dana White being forced to cancel UFC events makes me very nervous about the return of sports

The UFC canceling their next pay-per-view is making me scared... when Dana White has to adhere to the rules makes me a little nervous.

I'm becoming a Bill O'Brien fan because his stupidity has reached a level that is hilarious

I'm almost becoming a Bill O'Brien fan because there is that level where like you stupidity becomes so stupid that it's absolutely hilarious and you root for it because now he's an underdog. Well, if a really really stupid guys going up against a bunch of averagely smart guys... it seems like he's more in demand than DeAndre Hopkins even is.

The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon was ahead of its time regarding stadium politics

I love the owner being like I'm an Eagles fan my whole life. I love this city and they're like, so you're not going to move. He's like, yeah. It's like so you're going to stay at the at this current Stadium. He's like, whoa didn't say that. We need a new Stadiums like hey, look there's every problem that every ownership video team has had ever had for the rent for the next 25 years... Stan Kroenke probably watch this was like, oh this is how it's done.

Calvin Johnson is a better receiver at his peak than Terrell Owens and Marvin Harrison

I think [Calvin Johnson] is a better receiver at his Peak then T.O. and Marvin are. If you look at it has a higher yards per reception than everyone else that I just listed. He also has the the greatest receiving season in 122 receptions 1964 yards, and he was playing on the Lions.

Randy Moss is the best receiver in the history of the NFL

Randy Moss is the is the best receiver in the history of the NFL, Correct? I don't care what he did to [the] caterer in the barbecue... he was also the greatest wide receiver all time.

Maryland would have made a Final Four run in the 2020 tournament

I do honestly believe that [Maryland] were one of those 15 20 teams that could have made a final four run... you're probably always going to think the most positive outcome was what would have happened because who sits around goes, 'you know, we probably lost to Akron in the first round.'

The Redskins should take Tua Tagovailoa over Chase Young if they want a franchise QB

I'm started talked myself into Tua because I think that he has a better chance of being a great great quarterback than Dwayne [Haskins] does... If you need a quarterback, which you do, I think you kind of have to bite the bullet and take Tua.

Robert California's character marked the end of The Office being good

I'll go with Robert California that fucking soaked... then Robert California just it's like, alright, this show is completely over.

The NBA's proposed Horse tournament on Instagram Live is the most boring idea ever

Adam Silver is considering having the best players in League Play horse against each other live on Instagram, which is just sounds like the most boring idea of all... there's no way like horse is the fun game when you're like five years old... I would rather watch these players go through their regular work out.

Internet 1.0 (less cynicism and sarcasm) is making a comeback

I'm bringing back internet 1.0... We're not trying to fuck with people were just being nice trying to signal boost all the artists out there... less sarcasm less cynicism in the internet and less like everything is the worst and we're all going to die.

Brian Flores is an unbelievable coach and the Dolphins won't be as bad as they look

Brian Flores really good he was a quality control special teams dude when I was there in New England dude Rose the Rings unbelievable Coach and he's I mean I thought he did one of the best coaching job The NFL last year... Hopefully no Dolphins get offended like the trashiest football team... But [Flores] I thought did one of the best coaching jobs.

The 17-game NFL season is not worth it due to the physical toll on players

Absolutely not dude. I don't need another game. Like what about another... Nah, dude not worth it. Really our bodies are so fucking hurt after the season like 16 games and then you got the playoffs if you're lucky enough to make it that far and I don't know we just don't need another game.

Mike Francesa is making his content less accessible to the few people still listening

My friend says it was like hey, you know, what's a good idea to make sure that my content is even less accessible to the people? ... It's the MLB model. Yes. If he was smart, he would just start his own Twitter account for his own show. But I guess he's sunk a lot of production costs into doing the mics on app.

Robert Kraft's mask donation should be treated as a good deed regardless of his politics

I just feel like we're at the point in time where it's like any good deed that can help the greater cause here, let's just let it be a good deed. What's especially egregious considering that he could go right down the street to Chris Sale and be like, 'Hey Chris, can you cut up some more MLB jerseys to Masks?'

I could take a boa constrictor in a wrestling match

I think I could take a boa constrictor. I don't think a boa constrictor could take down like a fucking well... I just punch it in its brain over and over. I would you kick a boa constrictor up doesn't have to take down a boa constrictor our python an anaconda might get you.

OJ Simpson should have been left off the NFL 100 list

OJ Simpson, like I get it, but I mean, come on, you could have very easily not put OJ Simpson on this list and nobody have been like, 'Hey, what the fuck? Why don't you put OJ Simpson on the list?'

Adrian Peterson, LaDainian Tomlinson, and Marshall Faulk were snubbed from the NFL 100 Running Back list

I think the three running backs that they totally missed and that at least two—no, actually, I think all of them are better than Earl Campbell: Adrian Peterson should be in there, LaDainian Tomlinson should be in there and Marshall Faulk should be in there.

LaDainian Tomlinson's peak was so ridiculous he's a top-four back all-time

LT was a—LT very clearly should be on this list... Adrian Peterson and LaDainian Tomlinson are probably two of the top four in the right [at their peak].

Circus Peanuts are the most trash candy ever invented

My first one is no-brainer: circus peanuts. They suck. Universally regarded as the most trash candy to ever be invented... I think they're just invented so like dads can have candy that they know that their kids won't eat.

Rolos are trash

And Rolos. Rolos are trash. You take a bite of Rolos, I feel like every time I take a bite of Rolos my tooth is coming out with it.

Milk Duds are a trap because they get stuck in your teeth for four hours

I fucking hate Milk Duds. You never eaten a Milk Dud it didn't get stuck in your teeth for fucking hours? The most annoying candy to eat... It's like a fucking trap every time.

The secret ingredient to success is how long a person takes to feel sorry for themselves after a failure

When I really analyzed over the years what a secret ingredient is... it was exactly what you just said: how long they take to feel sorry for themselves... It's how long it takes. Some say 'oh poor me' and some get right back up.

To be a successful NFL quarterback, you have to be an 'absolute weirdo'

To be a good quarterback in the NFL, you got to be an absolute weirdo. Okay, cool guys burn out. You can't be cool... real swag is no swag... winning multiple Super Bowls makes you weird.

The US government should issue medals to everyone staying inside for quarantine

They should mail us medals for staying inside because we are saving lives. Great generation. This is our D-Day. They should just ship us as you create a new type of life-saving medal from the US government and send us like one every week so we can pin them to our shirts walk around feel good about it.

Owning a tiger is a drug no different than smoking crack

I actually think that being around these animals is a drug... you get addicted to the rush of these awesome animals that kill you, but you don't think they can kill you because they grow up around you. Having a tiger in my opinion is no different than smoking crack for the first time. It's cool, I'm sure it feels great.

Kevin Spacey is the runaway worst Kevin of all time

Kevin Spacey is number one on our bad Kevin's... he is I think he's like the runaway worse Kevin of all time. We should put an asterisk next to Kevin Spacey and then be like clearly Worst Kevin Captain because the other Kevin's don't really deserve to be in association with him. He's at a Pantheon all on his own.

Carole Baskin is a master at weaponizing sympathy

She was designed to come off as the most sympathetic character at least in the first couple episodes... but she is almost as messed up as Joe [Exotic], but she plays it always using the holier-than-thou card. She could teach a class on how to get maximum money out of a GoFundMe. She's great at pretending that she is the cleanest one.

Cam Newton was never given a decent wide receiver besides Steve Smith in Carolina

Cam Newton like was the Panthers... He also never had a really good wide receiver besides Steve Smith and got screwed out of probably some great years of his prime carrying a bad Panthers team to the Super Bowl in 2015... throwing for 35 touchdowns and running for ten touchdowns... and his wide receivers were Ted Ginn, Devin Funchess, Corey Brown and the 33 year old Jerricho Cotchery. That's incredible.

John Elway only signs quarterbacks he would want his daughter to marry

John Elway tends to like guys that are like coaches' sons... John Elway tends to like guys that he would set up to marry his daughter. John Elway is the kind of guy that he likes a quarterback that walks in the door and you're like, oh that guy he is a coach on the field.

Antonio Gates should have been on the NFL 100 list over John Mackey

John Mackey, if I had to pick, I would take out John Mackey and I put in Antonio Gates... John Mackey didn't even have a thousand yards in his career in any single year... [Antonio Gates] has the most touchdowns at tight end, 116.

Dan Orlovsky uses his kids' handprints on footballs to prevent people from trolling him

He is constantly reminding people watching him, hey, if you're going to tweet at me about running out of the back of the end zone, just remember you're doing that to a father of three. His background should just be him like behind the end zone and then to his right should be the end zone... He's just permanently in the back of the end zone when he's on TV.