Takes

Jason Witten is a third-tier all-time tight end

I have Jason Witten in my third or fourth tier of tight ends in the lower pantheon of all time great tight ends... Most of the seasons it's like 600, 700, 900. He is second all-time in tight end receptions, second all-time in tight end yards, but I'm going to throw a flag on that.

Hot dog water is a top-four worst type of water

I've got hot dog water. It is the equivalent of juicing a diet. Remnants of bathroom hot dog water... that's the most disgusting thing you've ever said in your entire life.

Alex Ovechkin is arguably the greatest goal scorer ever considering modern goaltending

Gretzky's for me, he's the greatest like what he's done. It's hard to knock that. But Alex Ovechkin is right up there for goal scoring. I'll tell you what, in an era to score as many goals as he does in this era of hockey and the goaltending is ridiculous. This guy is an amazing player.

Success in hockey comes down to 'playing heavy' and winning stick battles

The way I want to play the game, we need size and strength. Being physical... You can play heavy, it's just winning puck battles. That's what it boils down to. Using your body winning puck bottles, having heavy sticks. That's what I mean by heavy.

Bringing in outside free agents takes away Dan Quinn's best weapon: locker room loyalty

The Falcons look great on paper, but if you're bringing in all these like new people from the outside that's taken away Dan Quinn's best weapon, which is just having a locker room full of guys that know him and like them and will stand up for him to Arthur Blank.

Gen Z has the potential to be one of the greatest generations by combatting the COVID pandemic

I think we have the potential to be one of the greatest Generations looking at historical context... I think we have the potential if we really deal with this virus, we combat it... we can celebrate but right now we got to make the we got to do the blocking and tackling to get it done.

Wheaties taste like an old person's butthole

Wheaties. Mmm great boxes and they're great workers because they just they made everyone who wins an Olympic gold medal want to be on the cover of their cereal box, even though their cereal tastes like shit tastes like an old person's like butthole.

Honey Bunches of Oats is the greatest cereal hack for eating sugar disguised as health food

I'm also happy that no one said Honey Bunches of Oats Because that's the greatest like hack of eating healthy, but it's really just sugar cereal agreed that I love Honey Bunches of Oats. It's my whole unit like, oh, yeah. I'm eating healthy here.

The Bears trading for Nick Foles won't change anything for the team

The fact that the Bears got Nick Foles and it is so perfect, by the way, that Nick Foles, I know he's a Super Bowl MVP, but it's not going to change anything. The Bears are still kind of stuck in what they are.

It is never a smart move to sign a running back to a long-term contract

I know inside my own head that it's never smart to pay a free agent running back or just a running back in general a lot of money and to link them up to a long-term contract... none of those are going to be good takes three years from now, and I know that.

Chris Sale's Tommy John surgery timing is actually good for the Red Sox

I feel like it's a good thing because the MLB season probably never going to happen. So he's going to be able to basically get a free year. He's going to get all the rest and recovery he needs.

Tom Brady leaving the Patriots is heartbreaking but I am mostly reminiscing about the championships

It was heartbreaking but it was more of like I kind of agree with reminisced. I was reminiscing More than I was crying in my Cheerios. . . You can never take away like the six championships.

Bill Belichick prefers to part with players a year too early rather than a year too late

I think Belichick has proven throughout the years that he will always walk away from a guy a year too early than a year too late. And in a probably was a situation where he's like, I'm not going to pay a 42 year old quarterback 30 million dollars a year for multiple years.

Odell Beckham Jr. would have been the Rudy Gobert of the NFL regarding coronavirus

Actually Odell Beckham like he we talked about Rudy Gobert on Friday, but he definitely would have been the Rudy Gobert of NFL. He would have caught a touchdown and put on a mask and gloves and then like wait, where'd you get that? Like, I actually I just got it from like the training staff who got it from a hospital. Whoops. Now, I have coronavirus.

The 49ers would win the Super Bowl if they had Tom Brady

I think you probably win the Super Bowl with Tom Brady [on the 49ers].

Breaking Bad is the best show of all time

I did the same thing that you did with Game of Thrones with Breaking Bad and I'm never really watched that show ever... it's the best show of all time.

Tom Brady should be signed by the Patriots for $30-31 million

I think you want to be paid content up there 30 31 and it's right. I know I think it's about time. You don't want money pays for what? He's already done though, and guys that's putting but I don't think for the next three years two years at least you still got a top-10 quarterback by it's the one guy who doesn't operate like that Belichick is the one coach... but he's you should absolutely sign them to that.

David Blaine is the alpha in a room full of action stars

The alpha where yes... David Blaine obviously David Blaine is the alpha... it helped the Cheetos [Pacino] going. I gotta go to my therapist... This was like the most surreal shit I've ever done in my life.

Cameron and Lauren are the only normal couple on Love Is Blind

My favorite couple by far is Cameron. And what's her name? Lauren? Lauren Lauren. They're the most like hey. They're pretty normal as camera know is he's a weirdo born. He's a little to have your notice like every time they walk he like is way too close to her.

I still do not respect the Coronavirus

I still don't respect the virus. It's like a Ravens Steelers thing, like no love lost. I hate it so much. I want to beat the fuck out of it. It doesn't sound serious and I'm encouraging everybody to do everything that they can... but I still don't respect the virus.

Good health is more important than success, money, or power

Hyman Roth when you think about everything was a hundred percent correct. Good health is the most important thing more than success more than money more than power. If you have your health, you got it all.

Kansas was the best team in the country and would have won the 2020 National Championship

I need a John Rothstein certified NCAA champion who won the tournament this year... I would have picked Kansas to win a National Championship. Kansas was the team. In the last month we saw Kansas separate, they were as the best team in the country. They were a cut above everybody else.

Darren Rovell is legitimately losing his mind

Rovell is kind of a misunderstood but nice guy. I think he's losing it—like he is legit losing his mind. He's on a bender from non-alcoholic beer. This is what happens when you drink like 12 a day for a week straight.

Adding football players to the Nebraska basketball team will change their morale and toughness

Nebraska, Fred Hoiberg has pulled out all the stops. Tomorrow against—I don't even know who—but Fred Hoiberg is bringing on Brant Banks and Noah Vedral to the basketball team. They are on the football team. I love that. He's adding toughness. At least it will be a bare minimum the morale and the attitude that the team will have will be significantly different.

The market for Tom Brady is not as hot as he thinks it is

I'm staying a little bit woke on the Tom Brady rumors everywhere. I feel like the market for Tom Brady is not as hot as he thought it would be.

People who never change their car or microwave clocks are 'True Time Warriors'

Every single year. It's like who are the true time Warriors out there that don't change their clocks and the cars are there microwaves or they're already out on your wrist.

Kyrie Irving is a coach killer who got Kenny Atkinson fired

My other whose back is coach killer Kyrie. Oh, so Kenny Atkinson who was many people were saying was one of the better coaches last year took a young group... He got fired yesterday and people are saying it's Kyrie and KD... Kyrie change seventh head coach in nine NBA season Kyrie Irving.

The new LA Rams logo is terrible and looks like the Chargers logo

First of all I thought it was the Chargers logo. It looks like it's got a see it looks like it's got a see it. So it's a ram shell. Shaped in a see it looks like the Chargers which I'd have to imagine if you had like a list if you're sitting in the Rams PR room and you're designing this new logo at the top in like bold letters, it should say, please make sure there is no ambiguity with the Chargers.

The Milwaukee Brewers logo is the best in sports because of the hidden 'MB'

My favorite logo and all sports is though. It's a little bit more complicated the Brewers logo... It's got the middle. In there. Yeah. It's got the letters m and b hmm that blew my mind.

Any competent MLB team should sign Tim Tebow as a lucky charm mascot

Any competent major league baseball team would know that they need to bring Tim Tebow into their Clubhouse for their Major League Squad... He's like a walking breathing circumcising rally monkey.

Mr. Portnoy is more valuable in a media trade than Dickie V

I would say. Mr. Portnoy is more valuable than Dickie V at this point... Mr. Portnoy still has like a decade left, at least.

You are an idiot if you don't get Botox once you turn 40 and have money

I think what I think if you make a certain amount of money, you'd be an idiot not to get BOTOX if you turn 40 dude, if I was rich... I'd look strong know all these word. That's the whole point of being rich as you can take shortcuts on Life.

Every actor wants to be famous; those who say they don't are liars

I don't like I said, I you know, there are two kinds of actors: actors who want to be famous and liars.

Hollywood marriages don't fail more often than normal marriages; we just hear about them more

Nobody has ever convinced me that marriages have a shorter shelf life in Hollywood than they do anywhere else. Let's face it. Marriage just doesn't work for most people... I haven't seen the statistics that indicate that it's any worse for celebrities; it's just that we hear about [them].

The Houston Astros robbed the Yankees of a World Series title

I know that my Yankees got robbed. Then there's probably a lot of other teams that got robbed right? I mean, it's out there... Altuve got MVP when it should have been Judge. Yes extra Stripes. Yeah, I mean there's a lot of things that people have to you know, they've lost focus on.

Pete Rose belongs in the Hall of Fame

I still go back to the Pete Rose, you know saying I know it was he wrong? Yes, but how is he not? You know saying in in the Hall of Fame, right?

Aaron Judge hasn't earned his Yankee Pinstripes yet because he hasn't won a World Series

He hasn't played a game [with Pinstripes]... he should have won a championship... You have to win a World Series [to earn them].

Bill Clinton using 'anxiety management' as an excuse for oral sex is an all-time spin zone

Bill Clinton said today... that he received oral sex in the white house because it was managing his anxiety... mental health is kind of buzzing right now. Like guys can talk about this. He saw Tyson cry and he's like, you know what? Yeah, I got sucked off because I was anxious.

Coach K is entering the Twilight phase of his career where he has no filter and is mad at everyone

I think we're going to get into very soon, if we're not there already like the ornery like super angry at the media, just mad all the time coach Casey Nile... I think I'm going to enjoy the Twilight phase of Coach K having no filter and finally saying shit that he really has wanted to say for a very long time.

I refuse to consider the possibility of Tom Brady leaving the Patriots until it actually happens

I don't want to think about living in a world where Tom Brady isn't on the Patriots. I'm not going to consider it a possibility until it becomes a reality. So that is my official stance.

Bruce Arians is a 'Rhino Hunter' who loves signing old, veteran quarterbacks

Bruce Arians did say he prescribes to analytics... and he does like older quarterbacks. So he's kind of like a cougar hunter... Bruce Arians is definitely a rhino Hunter. Yes, because he liked Carson Palmer, loved Peyton Manning. He likes these old guys.

I am officially done disrespecting the Coronavirus and now respect it

I actually I am standing up right now and saying I respect coronavirus. I'm done disrespecting. I'm not I'm putting a respectful thing to her fraud... I am respecting coronavirus.

Joe Burrow should have to play for the Bengals because that is why the NFL draft exists

Personally, I believe you're drafted there. We have a draft for reason and their number one for a reason they should have the their chance at the best player in the draft... Cincinnati is a great place. I coached there for three years. Mike Brown's heck of an owner. He's Fair he's loyal.

James Dolan staged the handshake with Spike Lee to create propaganda for the Knicks

I wouldn't put it past James Dolan. I would not at all this happens at all the time in spy movies and TV shows where you send somebody up to get long-distance snapshot of right looking like something inappropriate is happening and boom. You've got the propaganda right there.

ESPN wanted Tony Romo so the NFL would give them better matchups

I think they were just ESPN was thinking if we get [Romo] in our booth then maybe we'll get like some Steelers Patriots matchups on Monday Night Football figure it out later... having a guy that Roger Goodell likes working for your company will make Roger Goodell just like give you all the business advantages.

Kevin Ollie is the worst coach to ever win a National Championship

I assume Kevin Ollie's still looking for a job somewhere worst coach ever to win a National Title.

George Kittle is better than Travis Kelce because he plays in the trenches

[I would take] Kittle. he likes a good 30 in the London in the trenches... he picks up people and he drops them and when he got when he gets that ball he doesn't want to be tackled.

LeBron James added six years to his career by missing the playoffs last year

I swear to God last year like just probably added another six years to his career just being able to sit out... it's incredible that he's still [playing like this].

James Harden didn't poop himself; it was just bad wiping

I'm like a poop spatter analysis guy and to me that just looked like his prolonged exposure to small amounts of poop that was on his butt. I'm just thinking he didn't wipe well. That's not like a shit myself top-down stain.

Tom Brady hates everyone in the Patriots organization and wants to get out fast

I'm reading that as Tom Brady hates everyone in the Patriots organization is looking to get out of town as fast as possible.