Takes

The next Madden cover will be Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes

Tom Brady and... Mahomes, my guess.

Arch Manning is already the best Manning to ever play football

That ball flip was sick, though, wasn't it? When he did the pump fake, and then he flipped it. I think he's already better. I think he's already the best Manning to ever play football.

Jeff Bezos will disable his companies while in outer space to prank Earth

I think the Earth's actually in the hot seat for all that because it's bad news whenever the richest person on Earth decides to leave for a little bit. what better there will never be a better time for jeff bezos to disable all of his companies that we depend on for everything than when he's in outer space with his brother pissed off at his ex-wife.

Australia is back on the map as the 'weirdest' people on Earth thanks to a kid eating a watermelon rind

He brings an entire watermelon with him, and he starts eating it. He bites through the rind, and he eats the entire watermelon by himself. When I say entire, I mean the green, the white part. Everything... it's a huge dub for Australia... This put australia back on the map as like the weirdest people on the planet.

I am officially counting LeBron James out

So, well, let's just do a quick straw poll. Are you counting [LeBron] out? ... I want to count him out. Yeah, I'm going to do it. I'm going to count him out.

This is the week Aaron Rodgers finally gets traded by the Packers

I'm going to do this every week until it comes true. I'm going to predict that this is the week that Aaron Rodgers gets traded. Okay. So, and if it doesn't happen this week, I will do it next week and give me credit when that happens.

The USA is officially the best soccer country in the world because Christian Pulisic won the Champions League

The best player in the world played on the best team in the world... the best player on the best club team is American. Therefore, the USA is the best soccer country in the entire world.

No visor quarterback will ever win a Super Bowl

We know that a visor quarterback will not win a Super Bowl... No visor quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl, just a heads up.

Aaron Rodgers has benefited from the Packers' organizational culture he now claims to hate

Aaron Rodgers has benefited from the Packers' organizational culture... that's why they have had success is because they are an organization that is always looking forward... the best time to get a quarterback is when you don't need one. That's what they did. So Aaron Rodgers has benefited... but now he doesn't like it.

A 600-foot cheesesteak made of individual subs is a total fraud

It's a bunch of regular cheesesteaks, footlong cheesesteaks stacked up next to each other. It's ridiculous to say... If you make a 600-foot... it has to be connected.

Shohei Ohtani is a rare talent we must appreciate

Shohei Ohtani is one of those rare talents where I think you just got to sit back and be like, holy fuck, I can't believe this guy's doing this. ... Shohei is getting caught up [to Ronald Acuna].

Joe Burrow will be on a mission in Week 1 against the Vikings

Hot seat, the Minnesota Vikings. Because week one, they play the Bengals, and Joe Burrow is all systems go, and he's going to be on a mission week one against the Vikings.

Justin Fields will start Week 1 for the Bears

I think that there's a good chance Justin Fields starts week one. I do too. I hope so.

Ben Affleck was 'tampering' with J-Lo while she was engaged to A-Rod

Ben Affleck was tampering. Ben Affleck, it was reported, was texting J-Lo in February when J-Lo and A-Rod were still engaged. That is illegal. That is tampering.

Replacing snow days with remote learning is a terrible decision for the youth

The New York City public schools will have remote learning instead of snow days next year... that's just terrible. I feel bad for the youth.

Major Biden will likely attack and eat the new White House cat

Major Biden, the dog, the German Shepherd dog, is being socialized back into the White House with the help of a cat, and that cat is fucking dead. Oh, yeah. That dog is going to eat the shit out of that cat.

Russell Westbrook deserves significantly more respect for averaging a triple-double for a fourth season

Russell Westbrook doesn't get enough respect. This is now the fourth season that he will average a triple-double for the entire season. He could record zero points, zero rebounds, and zero assists in all the rest of the games this season, and he would still have a triple-double... The dude is fucking crazy. He's really, really good.

Citizen Kane is no longer the best movie of all time according to Rotten Tomatoes

Someone that works at Rotten Tomatoes found an 80-year-old review... talking a negative review about Citizen Kane. So they put it in the Rotten Tomatoes whatever system, and now it's 99 on Rotten Tomatoes, not 100. Paddington 2 is 100. So Citizen Kane, by Rotten Tomatoes metrics, no longer the best movie of all time.

It is safe to stop wearing masks outside now

My hot seat is anyone who's still wearing masks outside. We're good. CDC said we don't have to do it anymore. Which I don't want to say not to brag, but I called it. But last week, my sunglasses were getting fogged up. And I was like, I think I'm done wearing a mask outside.

I will start watching the show 'Dave' by next Wednesday

By the time I speak to you on next Wednesday's show, within the next week, I will have started Dave. That's my resolution... I'm going to be able to fulfill on two out of those three [goals] already and three out of three by next week.

Criticizing the cartoon 'Bluey' for a lack of human diversity is stupid

Kids cartoon Bluey criticized for not having disabled, queer, poor, gender diverse or dogs of color. It's dogs. It's a show about cartoon dogs... none of us were [represented] because we're not dogs. It's a show about dogs. Cartoon fake dogs.

The NFL will change the 'one-shell' helmet rule in the next two years

I think the NFL in the next two years, I'm going to call my shot, is going to change the one-shell-only rule so that there can be multiple different helmets all year long, and it's going to be sick.

I could break the underwater bench press record

The underwater bench press record was broken... repped it out 77 times, beating the previous record of 62 times. Only 110 pounds... it's more of just a holding your breath thing. So I'm kind of, you know, in the back of my head, I'm like, I could do that. I could break that record.

Samus Reyes is a future Hall of Famer

My Washington football team just signed a collegiate basketball player to play tight end. He's never played football before. His name is Samus Reyes. This is a guy that immediately, in my mind, he's already a Hall of Famer. This guy is going to be the diamond in the rough that turns around the entire field.

The Nuggets are 'cooked' for the season after Jamal Murray's injury

Jamal Murray tears ACL. So the Nuggets are cooked and that does suck because they actually were like one of those teams like, oh, maybe if they get a nice run going. So we're going to be Jazz fans now.

Ronald Acuña Jr. is officially the face of baseball

My cool throne is baseball because we do officially—I'm ready to call it—Ronald Acuña fully the face of baseball already. I just think Ronald Acuña, like, did you see what he did? He beat out the very routine infield hit... scores tagging up from third on a pop-up to the second baseman.

Aaron Rodgers is the perfect fit to host Jeopardy!

I do think that this is the perfect fit for Aaron Rodgers. I think it's everything that he loves. I watched Jeopardy a lot, and it features mustaches heavily, and it features the host who gets to know the answers to everything and feel smarter than everybody else, which is exactly in Aaron Rodgers' name.

LeBron James never would have won the 2020 title if fans were in the stands

LeBron. Because he never would have won a title if there were fans. Seriously.

Zach Wilson's cross-body pro day throw was absolutely insane

Zach Wilson had an insane throw where he rolled out left and then cross body through towards the right pylon, like 70 yards in the air.

Michael Strahan sold out by getting the gap in his teeth fixed

My hot seat's Michael Strahan... He got rid of the gap in his teeth... His approval rating will probably, I mean, people are used to seeing the gap, and it's like, you know, embrace your imperfections, dude.

Kevin Durant has actually become more likable by being more online

Kevin Durant is the most online person of all time. I think he has done the impossible. Usually when people are more online, they become worse people... Kevin Durant has become more likable by being online more.

You are statistically less likely to have shrimp in your next box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Statistically, you're more less likely to have shrimp in your next box. [Big Cat: No, but it was zero] ... No, it's like once in a blue moon.

A rival cereal company planted shrimp in Jensen Karp's cereal to change the narrative

This could be a case of, I don't know, maybe a rival cereal company seeing that Cinnamon Toast Crunch was getting all that shine last week. They go into Costco in the dead of night with a box cutter and some tape and a couple of shrimp tails, and they just try to get the story out there to change the narrative.

Drake's Scary Hours 2 tracks are currently holding the top three spots on the Billboard charts

Drake released three new songs last week, and they're now one, two, and three on the Billboard [Hot 100].

Cocaine Bear is already a 'must-see' movie

Elizabeth Banks is to direct a bear-centric thriller, Cocaine Bear, for Universal... Just a movie, a must-see. I'm already slapping a must-see on it.

The NFL return of Kyle Long is a bad look for the Chicago Bears

Kyle Long will be returning to the NFL. Not to the Bears. But that's why they're on the hot seat, because he doesn't want to go back to them. I don't think it's a good or bad look. I think it's just the Bears.

Ted Lasso could coach the Jets to a 10-6 record

You can't convince me that Ted Lasso couldn't take the Jets to 10-6.

The NFL will eventually expand to an 18-game schedule

My hot seat is the 16-game schedule for the NFL because it looks like we're going to 17. And my cool throw will be the 18-game schedule because as soon as we go to 17, we're going to go to 18. It's the greatest, like, sleight of hand that the NFL is doing here.

If Jeff Bezos bids $7 billion for the Washington Football Team, the other NFL owners will force Dan Snyder out

If Jeff Bezos, who is the richest man in the world, wants to pay like six, seven billion dollars for an NFL franchise, if Dan Snyder doesn't want to sell still at that point, you're going to see all the owners... try their very best to push Dan Snyder out because that will make all of their franchises increase by like another billion dollars.

I can beat up any 10-year-old in the entire world

I think that I could beat up any 10-year-old in the country. Probably the world. I don't think that there's a 10-year-old in the world whose ass I couldn't kill... Pre-puberty, I could defeat any 10-year-old in the world.

The Bears are not Super Bowl contenders even if they trade for Carson Wentz

Something's afoot, and I would like to stem the tide. I don't think I can, but it feels like something's afoot here because the Bears are not a Super Bowl contender with Carson Wentz, especially not with giving up a first-round pick for him.

LeBron James could absolutely make an NFL roster

LeBron because he would have been the best two-sport athlete of all time making a NFL roster. I actually believe him. I don't know why anyone would say, oh, LeBron couldn't make an NFL team. No, he absolutely could. Without a doubt.

NFL coaches should go for two points every single time

93% of extra points were made... 48% of two-point conversions were completed... realize that they should go for two every single time. But they won't do it... if you have a good offense, you should absolutely go for two points every single time.

The 90s starter jacket and script hat is the pinnacle of coach fashion

The absolute pinnacle of coach looks will forever be the nineties when it comes to the script hat and the starter jacket. That is the coolest that coaches will ever look in any sport ever... I miss those days. I wish guys would wear starter jackets again.

The return of the EA Sports College Football game is a monumental and universally loved day

The best day I haven't seen the Internet universally love something more than this game returning. It is so fucking great. It is going to take like two or three years, which who cares? ... This was a monumental day. This is a great day.

I am going to 'skull fuck' Jose Canseco with my fists

My hot seat is Jose Canseco. I'm going to skull fuck him with my fists.

The only way I lose to Jose Canseco is in some messed up swift decision

The only way I lose to Canseco is in some fucked up swift decision. Even if I lose, I'm not going to get knocked out in the first 30 seconds. No, I'm not losing.

I would 100% beat the shit out of Jake Paul in a boxing match

By the way, I'd 100% beat the shit out of Jake Paul. He wouldn't touch me. They'll never fight me because I actually would beat them. They only choose guys they know they can strategically win with reach.

Novak Djokovic is a scumbag for his selfish COVID restriction requests

Australian Open, Australia has COVID under control... Djokovic sent in basically his own list of requests and suggestions on how they can actually do a better job with COVID... His suggestions were to basically lessen the restrictions, make it easier. Basically, he was selfish.

The dysfunction in the Houston Texans' front office involves things too bad for television

Dan Orlovsky was talking about the Texans GM mess... and he said that it's worse than is being reported... and it's so bad I can't say it on television... How bad could it get that you can't say it on television? ... Is it satanic orgies?