Takes

Cell phone and cable companies are the best businesses because customers are ignorant but need the product

There are two businesses that you really should be in... the cell phone business and in the cable business. Because when you are in a business where the customers don't understand what it's all about, what the bills are all about, but they need it, what better business could that be?

The 'full sock overhaul' is a life-changing hack where you throw out all socks and buy 60 identical pairs

I did this a couple years ago. It changed my entire life... I called it a full sock overhaul. And I threw out all my socks, and I went and I bought the exact same pair of socks. I bought like 60 of them. So that way you can never actually lose one.

Elon Musk should stop trying to get to Mars and focus on giving us retina credit cards

Elon Musk, if you're listening to this and we know you are, quit trying to get to Mars, you fucking nerd. Just give us retina credit cards.

Draymond Green is an all-time classic heel

I'm a big fan of [Draymond Green]... all-time classic heel. He had a shirt that said Quickie in the Quicken Loans font... I need this feud, though, to keep going... because I think Draymond clearly gets under LeBron's skin.

Odell Beckham Jr. is actually a workmanlike professional who just goes about his business

I'm kind of on Odell's side here because those newspapers and all those media outlets have unfairly criticized him. He's just a guy who goes about his business, doesn't make things about him... Workmanlike. Punch in, punch out. So I'm on his side.

LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible

I think LaVar Ball is on a mission to sell the shittiest products for the highest prices possible. Yes, the least desirable products. It's actually a smart move of him, though, to limit the number that he could sell this time.

Avoid dating hardcore runners at all costs

You don't want to get in a relationship with a hardcore runner, because then you're going to be getting up at 6 a.m. on Saturdays. You always see those couples, and they're running... and one of them looks absolutely miserable... steer clear of runners.

LeBron James is still the best player in the NBA

I just want it on the record that I do still think LeBron is the best player in the NBA, but what Kevin Durant did in the finals was fantastic.

Draymond Green is a poor man's LeBron James

Draymond is like a poor man's LeBron. Because Draymond is... a guy that can guard all five spots. A guy that can bring the ball up the court.

LeBron James is the greatest basketball player of all time

I think LeBron's the greatest player ever. You disagree with that, and we can have that discussion as well if you'd like.

Wayne Gretzky is the best player ever, but Sidney Crosby is the best I've ever seen

Wayne is the best player ever. But, I mean, I think – I mean, obviously, Sid, in my eyes, just because I'm – I mean, I've seen him play, and I see him every day. I think, honestly, he's the best player that I've ever seen and been able to play with.

Winning back-to-back Stanley Cups is basically cheating

I didn't know you could win back-to-back Stanley Cups, so that's kind of cheating in my mind. I hate the Blackhawks. We never knew that those rules existed.

The Lombardi Trophy is the toughest trophy in sports to win

My number one is the Lombardi, actually. Toughest trophy in all sports to get.

The NCAA basketball championship plaque looks like an employee of the month award

I had three that plaque they give the NCAA basketball champion, which just looks like employee of the month plaque. Like J.D. Power Associates giving Audi their award for best foreign car.

The 2017 Yankees are fully back

The Yankees are fully back. Pinstripes for everyone. Aaron Judge hit three home runs on Sunday. His 21st of the year. Also the longest home run of the year... They have the best run differential in the league.

LeBron James is a murderer and a scary dude on the basketball court

His intensity was night and day. Not just his intensity and his competitiveness. I mean, he has a killer instinct. He's a killer out there. He'll tear your head off and dunk it... He's an intense, scary dude. You don't want to get in his way.

The Ray Allen Game 6 shot in 2013 was the worst loss of my entire life

That Ray Allen shot and that loss was the worst loss in my entire life, easily... It was over. We won the championship. And then, bam, we missed free throws. They get offensive rebounds. They hit a couple threes, ending with that Ray Allen one. And we lost the game, and it was, like, just so crushing.

The Spurs were like the Blues Brothers on a mission from God in 2014

We were like the Blues Brothers on a mission from God that next season to get back to the finals and make right by that loss. And so once we got to the finals and matched up with Miami again, the rest was history.

It is a social law that you are allowed to say mean things about the Kardashians

Jeff Van Gundy needs to realize that like we've a long time ago made it kind of like a social norm that you can say anything mean about the Kardashians. It's okay. That's just become an internet law... That's the social contract we have all signed a long time ago.

The torch has been passed and now resides at Kevin Durant's mother's house

I am under the theory now that the torch has not only been passed, but it's comfortably sitting in Kevin Durant's mom's house. She has it on the mantle. She's the real MVP.

LeBron James has no killer instinct because he is a father of three

LeBron's a father of three, so this might have something to do with it, but he just has no killer instinct. He's too close to life. If you're the best player in the world, quotation marks, and you have the ball the way he had the ball at the end of the game, you take it to the hole and you try and get fouled. Or you at least ask for the ball.

Winning the Belmont Stakes is less valuable to horse breeders than winning the Derby or Preakness

The mile and a half distance of the Belmont Stakes is such a rarity in American racing that winning the Belmont doesn't mean nearly as much to breeders if you're going to retire to stud than winning the Kentucky Derby or the Preakness. You've got a grand total of one grade one stakes in America running a mile and a half on dirt, and that's the Belmont.

Kurt Eichenwald should embrace being the tentacle porn guy on Twitter

I think he just needs to own that block. He needs to be the tentacle porn guy. Just change your avatar to like an octopus... and just put your head right on top.

Hakeem Olajuwon could beat pretty much anyone in NBA history one-on-one

The answer is Hakeem because Hakeem could pretty much beat anybody. Oh, it was Hakeem versus Shaq. So Robert Horry went on his show and was like, hey, I think Hakeem is better than Shaq.

Persistence and annoyance are the keys to winning over a woman who has rejected you

Here's one thing I know about women. If they tell you, no, I don't want to date you, the more persistent you are and the more annoying you are to them, then eventually they'll let you in. Yeah. Just comment on all of her Instagram pictures. That will work.

J.J. Watt rejected the Top 100 players list only to show everyone how humble he is

J.J. responded to it and said, I only played three games last year. What a joke this list is. So J.J. gets it. He's going to make sure that everybody knows how humble he is. And he's rejecting the title of a top 100 player. While also letting everyone know that he made the top 100 list.

Ohio State's unrealistic coaching wish list is a strategic 'anchoring' move

This is a great move by OSU, though, because if you just throw out the wish list that's just insane, everyone's like, okay, well, that's crazy. And then you get one of those second-tier guys that you probably were a third-tier. Yes, it's called anchoring. Anybody who's negotiated knows this. You ask for way, way more than you should get, then you'll get a little bit more than you deserve.

The 1990s Bulls would beat the 2017 Warriors if played under 90s rules

The Warriors are built for an era where there's no handshaking, where the defensive rules are different. If they played during the Bulls 90s era, I think the Bulls team was built for those rules. So they would win.

Hockey is the only sport that truly has karma

Hockey is the only sport that I think truly has karma. That's a fact. Yeah, I can go with that one.

College baseball coaches and football strength coaches are the same species of person

College baseball coaches and high school baseball coaches are under the same phylum as football strength coaches. They're very similar. They're very similar species... College baseball coaches definitely still spit dip in their players' faces and have weird sayings and call them all pussies.

Men stay in the bathroom for 45 minutes just to avoid being nagged by their partners

The real answer, to answer your question, female listener, is we spend that much time in the bathroom because that's the only place you can't nag us. We're avoiding you.

A guy who is 'over the top nice' early in a relationship is hiding something

If he's over the top nice, if he's buying you stuff constantly and flowers and writing you cards, he's probably hiding something. Because no guy after three or four dates is going to keep putting in that amount of effort. Or he's too clingy... If he keeps pouring it on, he's probably hiding something. That's a fuckboy.

LeBron James ruined the competitiveness of the NBA and deserves to be swept

This fucking guy created this big three bullshit, this AAU friends and family banana boat in the summer bullshit. He started this shit. And now they created a big four... I hope they fucking swept. And then the nail will be in the fucking coffin. You're not like Mike. You're never going to be like fucking Mike.

Five Kurt Rambises with LeBron's brain would beat five Kurt Rambises with Michael Jordan's brain

Because it's slower and LeBron clearly has the size advantage... I just ran the numbers on my calculator, and I am going with LeBron on this. [Five Kurt Rambises with LeBron's brain versus five with MJ's brain]

Matthew Dellavedova is the missing piece the Cavaliers need to stop the Warriors

I mean, clearly, Della Vadova's [Matthew Dellavedova] the missing piece. They need a defensive stopper on the team that can check somebody, and they don't have it.

I am faster than Tom Brady

[Big Cat]: Who's faster, you or Tom Brady? [Wilfork]: Me. [Big Cat]: Is it even close? [Wilfork]: No. That's easy.

Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players

It's a reason that he's one of the great – he is the greatest coach of all time because he can relate to his players.

Ed Reed was the most talented player on the 2001 Miami Hurricanes

[Big Cat]: 2001 Miami Hurricanes... Can you tell us who the best player on that team was being up close and personal with them? [Wilfork]: Probably Ed Reed.

If one nuclear bomb is launched, the whole world will blow up in a chain reaction

North Korea is developing nukes, and my theory is once one of those... So I've always thought once one nuclear bomb goes in the air, then... All the other countries and worlds are going to let them off, and then the whole world's going to blow up.

The Capitals and Ovechkin should split up because their regular season success is too good

I do think I am of the mindset that the Capitals and the [Ovechkin] should just be like, you know, hey, maybe this thing isn't working out anymore. Maybe it's just, you know, we love each other. Maybe our sex is just too good. Our regular season sex is too good. So we got to split up.

Grit is the ability to keep your confidence when your results aren't being met

I think grit is the ability to keep your confidence when your potential is not being met or when the result is not being met in a particular time in life or in a particular moment... When things aren't going well, can you continue to play without being distracted, without letting doubts, without letting the doubters get in and knock you off your game?

I want to coach at a championship level again

Well, I want to coach. But I want to coach. I want to go to a championship capacity type program... having the job taken from us like that [at Indiana], I mean, I've never let it get in and take my nerve or create doubt that I can't do this at the highest level.

Dwyane Wade and Victor Oladipo are the best and most versatile players I've coached

The best guys – were the most versatile guys because they made everybody else better. And I think the thing about a guy like Dwyane Wade, the thing about a kid like Victor [Oladipo], Jerel McNeal and Wes Matthews were like this for us at Marquette. Those guys didn't have to score and they didn't have to be making shots to have their presence felt in a big way.

LeBron James is in a unique ballpark of basketball intelligence

Dwyane said this about LeBron. Dwyane is very smart, incredibly smart player... Dwyane said, I'm smart. He said, I know I'm smart. I'm not even in the same ballpark as this guy. And he's pointing at LeBron in the sense of how smart he is on the court... LeBron's in a very, very unique place for his mindset.

Duke's 2015 comeback was due to Grayson Allen putting pressure on the whistle

Mike [Krzyzewski] really went into a complete, we're going to drive the ball game. He put a lot of pressure on the whistle... they have an incredible record when they were getting into the bonus at the 12-minute mark of each half... you could see it because they kept driving Grayson Allen from the left wing to the middle. It was the Grayson Allen coming out part of him. If he doesn't get them in the bonus that quick, it's a different game.

Lonzo Ball is one of the most prolific passers and has incredible vision

I reserve judgment on any of that other than that he is one of the most prolific passers and has incredible vision. I don't think there's very many guys that have come across in a period of time like that.

Tiger Woods' hair plugs are working

His hair did not look as bad as it has in the past... No, but it looks like the hair plugs might be working. Because Tiger Woods is a notorious guy who went balding pretty early.

Tiger Woods' DUI arrest gives him street cred

I didn't think that Tiger Woods could have any more street cred, but he certainly does now. Now he's got it all.

I only have a Super Bowl ring because Jay Cutler got injured in the 2010 NFC Championship

I do thank Jay Cutler for getting hurt, and also B.J. Raji for being the fattest guy to ever score a touchdown in the NFC Championship... I think Aaron Rodgers is the only reason I have a Super Bowl ring, to be honest.

Justin Smith is the hardest player to block in NFL history

Currently Aaron Donald, all-time, probably Justin Smith... Dude, I mean, you can't judge toughness on a dude who has a giant Budweiser tattoo on his arm... Yeah, he was a bitch to block.