Takes

NFL teams should run significantly less on first down

They should not be running as much on first down. They need to be passing the ball more. The floor on completion percentage has risen tremendously. So it's a lot more efficient to throw the football and you're not having as many of those risks that coaches get scared about.

Running the ball on 2nd and 10 is the worst thing a coach can do

They opt to run the ball on second and 10, which is the worst thing that you could do on second down because you're very unlikely to have a successful gain and you might as well just pass twice to try to convert that first down as opposed to run then pass.

A quarterback’s performance is almost impossible to evaluate independently of the quality of their play-caller

There's two things that are very difficult to separate out in football. It's very difficult to separate out the performance of a quarterback from his play caller. Those two are like married so tightly together that it's very difficult to understand the context... and then it's, of course, the running back and the offensive line. It's hard to create a value of what is the running back because he's so dependent upon that offensive line.

Jared Goff's performance is almost entirely tied to Sean McVay's play-calling

I personally didn't think Jared Goff was worth that contract because I thought so much of what he was doing, his performance, was tied to his head coach... Sean McVay is so great [at] projecting fourth Jared Goff to become better.

Teams should either spread the defense out at the goal line or pass out of heavy sets to maximize efficiency

If you're not the Patriots, you need to spread teams out at the goal line spread them out and run... passing out of heavy sets... is very efficient. But coaches are concerned what the repercussions are going to be. They're concerned what the press is going to say if I stick Adrian Peterson on the bench and I use Chris Thompson and then it doesn't score a touchdown.

In the modern NFL, a high-quality secondary is more valuable than elite edge rushers

Now defense is a lot more about secondary play and takeaways because more teams are passing the football. So if you can get like five good DBs out there, that's more valuable at times than having the massive strength of your edge rushers and having just adequate secondary.

Uber should have a customer service phone number for when the app fails

These things like Uber... Would it be so terrible that there was a phone number to call if the thing wasn't working? There is no phone number. There is no one out there from Uber that has to respond to anything.

Going exactly .500 over a 15-year career like Eli Manning is actually very impressive

A remarkably average career outside of those two [Super Bowls]. If you can spend your entire career... he's been in the league for 15 years. If you can go exactly .500 after 15 years of playing football, that's super impressive. If you can keep any job and be perfectly average at it for that long, then you're doing something right.

Eli Manning is a Hall of Famer because Super Bowl wins carry the most weight

The Super Bowl carries so much weight that I am totally fine with Eli Manning definitely being in the Hall of Fame because of those two runs. And they were incredible runs.

Lorenzo Neal should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame

Lorenzo Neal, eligible for the Hall of Fame. Go vote for Lorenzo Neal right now. It's been like 10, 15 years since we've had a real fullback get in. Lorenzo Neal should fucking be in the Hall of Fame.

I love the Steelers trading a first-round pick for Minkah Fitzpatrick

The Steelers traded a first-round pick for Minkah Fitzpatrick, which I actually love, by the way. People were like, 'The Steelers, this is going to be a top-ten pick they traded.' You're trading for a guy who was just drafted 11, and you have tape on him.

The Jets' season is already over after Sam Darnold's mono diagnosis and Trevor Siemian's injury

The point is the Jets' season is over. Luke Falk is not going to be the guy. I would assume he's not going to be the guy.

Adam Gase is only considered 'nice' because he was around Peyton Manning for a brief period

Adam Gase is the perfect case of just get yourself around someone who's really good at their job once in your career and you're set. He was around Peyton Manning. They broke all the records. And now everyone since that point has been like, 'Adam Gase, kind of nice. Rub some of that magic off on me.'

The Jaguars would be crazy to trade Jalen Ramsey

I think the Jaguars would be crazy to trade him. Crazy. I mean, he's really, really good. Really, really good.

Complaining on Twitter about your food being stolen is a dickhead move

I'm blaming her [Lizzo] for complaining online about it because that's a dickhead thing to do. As a fellow curvy person, you never want to tweet about your food not being there... I feel like you're just setting yourself up to get dunked on.

LeBron James is a 'good' Slytherin

[PFT Commenter]: If you were to put you, LeBron, and D-Wade into houses in Harry Potter... [Bosh]: LeBron is Slytherin. But he's the good Slytherin.

The Spurs intentionally turned off the AC during Game 1 of the 2014 NBA Finals

[Big Cat]: Do you think the Spurs intentionally turned off the AC in that final? [Bosh]: Absolutely. Of course. That's like Red Auerbach was known. If you're in Boston, the fire things that come off or whatever... I mean, he never denied it, right? But yeah, if I'm them, I'm trying to win.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

The Falcons lead the league in fucking up in the red zone

The Falcons lead the league, and this is a stat I haven't looked up, but I'm just going to say it, lead the league in fucking up in the red zone. Every single Falcons game comes down to them fucking up in the red zone.

Bengals coach Zach Taylor has a sketchy vibe and doesn't pop on the sidelines

[Zach Taylor] is a tough guy to vibe out on because he looks like an assistant coach on the sidelines... I would go as far as to say he's got a sketchy vibe because you just don't know what he's doing. He shows up at a party and all your friends that are girls look at each other with side glances.

Anthony Lynn is an idiot for going into a game without a healthy kicker

Anthony Lynn, you're a fucking idiot. Because Anthony Lynn went into this game without a kicker and had his punter kick field goals, and he missed them both.

Kirk Cousins is the worst kind of quarterback because he gives you enough hope to hurt you

Nothing in this world will break your spirit faster than having to be a fan that gets excited for Kirk Cousins on a Sunday. He is the worst kind of quarterback because he's the kind that's good enough where when he fucks up, it really hurts you. It disappoints you... He is good enough to give you enough hope, where then when he fucks up, he totally drives you into deep, deep depression.

Adam Vinatieri will go to the Hall of Fame as a Patriot because he has no memorable moments as a Colt

[Adam Vinatieri is going to the Hall of Fame as] a Patriot, one of us. There's no memorable Adam Vinatieri moments on the Colts. There's nothing that's imprinted in your memory of Adam Vinatieri, game-winning kick [in Indianapolis].

Josh Allen is the new recipient of the running quarterback torch from Cam Newton

I'm doing a torch update. torch being passed from Cam Newton to Josh Allen [as the best running quarterback].

Pat Shurmur is a terrible coach and should be blamed for starting Eli Manning

Are we sure that Pat Shurmur is a good coach? Because I think he fucking sucks. He is the one who keeps starting Eli Manning. That was his decision... Pat Shurmur might actually just be a terrible coach.

Ben Roethlisberger is likely at the end of the road

Big Ben is, I would say, at the end of the road. Is it fair to say? If it's bad [the elbow injury], then I don't think he's going to be able to play. I think that this could be the beginning of the end for Big Ben.

DK Metcalf is Kelvin Benjamin if he went keto for two months

DK Metcalf is big as fuck. He's like if Kelvin Benjamin went keto for like two months. He's cut up and he can run different routes.

If a rookie quarterback gets 'scarred' by starting too early, he was never going to be 'the guy' anyway

If a guy gets scarred [by playing early], he never was going to be the guy anyway. You either have the ability to overcome taking your lumps or you don't. Might as well just do it now.

Dan Snyder should sell the Redskins to save his legacy as a fan

Dan Snyder, sell the team. You're a guy that grew up rooting for the [Redskins]... Right now, your legacy is going to be the person who destroyed the thing you love the most in life. If you sell the team, then you have a chance to be known as the person who saved the thing that you grew up loving the most.

Cliff Kingsbury is a coward for settling for field goals on 4th and short in the red zone

Cliff Kingsbury, you're supposed to be this offensive genius guy... What the fuck, dude? The Cardinals in the red zone, fourth and one at the four, field goal. Fourth and goal at the two, field goal. I would rather lose trying to get one yard on fourth and goal on the one than just slowly die kicking field goals every time.

I don't think Mitchell Trubisky stinks

I know everyone's going to say, well, Mitch stinks. Listen, I don't think he stinks. I think they need to just figure out a way to win with using the things that he's good at.

Joe Flacco is the league leader in 'being there' and dumping the ball off in the flat

Joe Flacco is the league leader in being there. He's around at all times. You know that you can count on him to put together one good drive a game. But there's nothing that he loves more in this world than throwing a ball into the flat. Joe Flacco is a fetish for three-yard outs.

Cam Newton is broken and doesn't look right physically or mentally

Cam Newton is broken. He just doesn't look right. Every receiver, he either missed the throw or put it where they shouldn't be thrown. He would just simple passes. They were not thrown in the right position. And the whole night, it felt like the Panthers should have won that game. They didn't win that game because Cam Newton is broken. His soul is injured. His body's injured. His soul is injured. He is not right.

Thursday Night Football is always good regardless of the game quality

Everyone who says Thursday night football sucks fuck you. It's football. It happens every single year. They're like this is Thursday night football this is atrocious you really want to watch this oh yes i do i want to watch it every thursday if there was not thursday night football i'd have nothing to look forward to on thursday this is thursday night football i don't care if it's bad i really don't i just want to watch football

Trevor Siemian is not a significant downgrade from the current version of Sam Darnold

Trevor Siemian. Not terrible. Northwestern guy. He's not terrible. Trevor Siemian is not good, but he's also not terrible. He's not a huge, huge downgrade over Sam Darnold. Of what Sam Darnold currently is.

Washington State's mascot Butch T. Cougar beats Alabama's Big Al if it's a guy in a costume

Well, if they get a real elephant, we're in trouble... But if it's a guy in a costume, I'm going to go with the elusiveness of Butch [T. Cougar].

Butch T. Cougar beats the Notre Dame Leprechaun unless the Leprechaun is actually magic

That leprechaun better actually be magic because otherwise I'm going to go with Butch.

You are always open at some point when running the 'Four Verticals' play

On four verticals, you're always open at some point. You're either open underneath the coverage or you're open when the coverage transitions, or you're open behind the coverage... you're open in the windows. You're always open somewhere. The difficult thing is executing.

The Chicago Cubs are the most maddening and frustrating team I've ever watched

My fire fest is the Chicago cups. They're the most maddening team, frustrating team I've ever watched. They just want to toy with everyone's hearts and they win one game, lose one game, lose two games. Don't score for a week. Then they look awesome... I am at the point where I'm just I don't even know what I want anymore.

The Raiders were on a mission and would have beaten any team on Monday night after the Antonio Brown drama

The Raiders weren't going to lose last night. It could have been anybody. It could have been the 85 Bears out there... The Raiders were going to be on a mission from the get-go. They spent the entire week hearing about Antonio Brown, hearing about how they were going to suck, how they had no hope... Anytime that happens, especially before a Monday night game, the team's going to be motivated to play a little bit extra hard. That was a team that was going to beat anybody.

Joe Flacco shouldn't be a starting quarterback in the NFL anymore

Joe Flacco stinks. He's bad. He shouldn't be a starting quarterback in the NFL anymore. John Elway likes him because he's tall and he throws... He still throws a nice looking ball, but it's just nothing else is good.

Vic Fangio's decision to kick a field goal down 21-6 with 10 minutes left was a loser's move

When [Vic Fangio] kicked that field goal down 21-6 with 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter, you need two touchdowns no matter what. He kicked a field goal to then need two touchdowns no matter what... why are you so afraid of not getting a fourth down when kicking a field goal is essentially admitting defeat there?

The NFL moving the Raiders out of Oakland is absolute bullshit

What the NFL is doing to the Raiders is absolute bullshit. I'm going to miss Oakland fans so, so much. Watching the black hole... the Raiders fans... just every single shot, every single camera shot to the crowd is art. It really is.

Bill O'Brien is the most mediocre coach in the NFL

Bill O'Brien sucks. That guy, he's got to be the most mediocre coach who's been around forever.

The '69' joke is starting to fade away

I was actually just talking about that on the ride here... me and Goon were driving up, and we were like, yo, 69? Isn't that – it's kind of like in the past... 69 jokes kind of faded away, which they kind of have. I totally 100% agree.

Tom Brady has a 'special power' that tells him who will be open on every play

I feel like Tom has like this special power and he like he like knows who's going to be open that play... just from all the practice, just from reading the guys being around them... that's what makes him so special and that's why he can get anyone open because he knows exactly where they're going to be.

I always thought Nick Foles was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville

To be completely honest, my excitement about the Nick Foles era was completely fake. It was fake. I thought that he was going to be a bust. I thought that he was going to be a huge bust in Jacksonville where everything was perfect for him in the Eagle system.

69 is a seventh-date move

69 is a seven date move also... Seventh date. Let's do a 69. But it's going to be 69 with a caveat that she's on top because she's not ready for my butthole by eight.

I believe the Browns and Baker Mayfield will be fine despite their Week 1 loss

I actually do believe the Browns are going to be fine... As a Baker [Mayfield] guy, he's going to fix it. He's fine.

Whenever Mike Vrabel is underestimated, bet on him

I am now making a new rule. Whenever Mike Vrabel is underestimated, bet on him. I feel like this happens every single time the Titans, we're like, the Titans stink, their offense is boring, and Marcus Mariota isn't the guy. They did it last year when they played the Patriots.