Takes

Jim Irsay paying Andrew Luck $25 million upon retirement is 'hush money'

I think that Irsay, in the fact that he's paying Andrew Luck $25 million, that's hush money right there. I don't know what Andrew Luck knows. He knows a lot of shit about a lot of shit, and he knows a lot of stuff about Jim Irsay.

The NFL Combine question of whether a player is 'too smart' is actually a valid concern

When we always laugh about the Combine interviews and the Josh Rosen, like, is this player too smart? Yes, 100%. It absolutely is a real question... This is actually a perfect case where Andrew Luck is a very smart guy. He has a ton of interest outside of football. I think he loved football. I think the injuries made him fall out of love with football because he's like, you know what? There's more to life than this.

Don't ever show up to a scheduled orgy

Once you schedule an orgy, don't show up to a scheduled orgy... because every dude, it's like going to Fyre Fest... it's just a bunch of finance bros from New York who are a little overweight... Little life hack. Don't show up to a scheduled orgy. Orgies just happen.

I only like Kirk Herbstreit when he acts as Lee Corso's guide

It's the only time that I like Kirk Herbstreit is when he's being Lee Corso's guide. I don't want to say seeing eye dog, but he's helping him with his sentences and finishing his thoughts for him. And that's the only time that I will ever like Kirk Herbstreit is when he's lending a hand like that.

Guy Fieri would be a Hall of Fame guest for this show

I'm going to go with Guy Fieri. I think that guy would be a great guy to have on the show. He would be a guy's guy. Football guy. A guy's guy's guy guy. A guy's guy. We could talk to him about the Raiders. We could talk to him about Donkey Sauce.

It is just an excuse for the Saints to blame the pass interference no-call for their NFC Championship loss

All I said was that it's just an excuse to blame one moment. And that's the truth. The reality is, as I've said before, if they were winning the game at the moment, or if that play would have ended the game, then that would be a valid argument. But the truth of the matter was the game was tied... You can't say that you for sure won the game based off the one play.

Christmas Day is the official start of the NBA season

People start caring about the NBA on Christmas Day. That is the official start of the season. They should just start it at that point and then move on from there because, yeah, football, we own the fall.

Manny Diaz is the perfect coach to bring Miami back because he is slightly shady

Manny Diaz is the perfect type of Miami coach where he walked in the door and was like, I'm bringing the U back. And then immediately started doing shit that pissed everyone off and was slightly shady. Manny Diaz had that boat party... He's doing the things that brings Miami back, so I'm all in on Manny Diaz.

The Popeyes spicy chicken sandwich is one of the best sandwiches ever

Unpopular opinion that Popeye's chicken sandwich is good. I'll die on that hill. No, it's really good. And I need to have another one.

I would rather be stuck in any city in America than fly Spirit Airlines

I would rather get stuck in any city in America than fly Spirit Air. That's a fact... I click on it and bought it... my wife immediately said, 'did you buy us tickets on Spirit Air?'... we're never getting out of this airport.

Justin Tucker has the most swagger of any current NFL kicker

Out of all the kickers in the game right now, which one do you think has the most Morton Anderson in them? Swagger? I would say Justin Tucker in Baltimore.

Hue Jackson stunk as a head coach

I'm just kind over the Hue Jackson, everyone should feel bad for me, woe is me. You stunk as a head coach. You could be a good offensive coordinator. You stunk as a head coach. I think that's okay to say.

Zeke Elliott should sit out the entire 2019 season to maintain his leverage

If I'm Zeke, I'm sitting out the whole season. I got more power to Zeke on this one. Zeke, don't play this year at all.

Jon Gruden is the funniest coach in the NFL

Jon Gruden leads the league in being pumped... I fucking love them. I'm switching. We make fun of Jon Gruden. We make fun of the Raiders the whole hundred million dollar contract. I have switched. I want Jon Gruden to succeed because we need him in our lives for as long as possible.

The Antonio Brown helmet saga is officially exhausting

I am officially as well. So sick of Antonio Browns helmet. Yes, sick of the helmet but in love with the jumpsuit... just either find a helmet don't play with a helmet. I don't care. We might Riot if he continues to do the helmet stuff.

Devin Booker complaining about double teams in open runs is a soft move

Devin Booker was mad because Joakim Noah sent a double team on them. And Devin Booker was like, hey, we don't double team and open run... it just showed maybe Devin Booker is the s word soft... what more could work on your game than having a double-team you get double-teamed in the NBA. Why wouldn't she want to be double-teamed right here?

If you are over 13 years old and you complain about anything in a scrimmage, you are soft

Good rule of thumb is if you're playing in any sort of game and he sort of scrimmage that isn't an actual regular season game for a professional League just don't complain about shit. Stop complaining about stuff in practice.

The addition of Hawaii games streaming on Facebook is the greatest thing for degenerate gamblers

Mountain West announced today that Hawaii football games are going to stream live on Facebook. Thank fucking God. So all you degenerate gamblers... I like that. And so what time are those games? They're usually like midnight? I love that. It's the game that you bet when you've had a terrible Saturday and you're like, let me just try to get one win before Sunday.

Sebastian Telfair was going to be the greatest NBA player of all time

Sebastian Telfair Through the Wire. I watched that movie like this kid is going to be... I was like this He's skipping College like he's dominating Dwight Howard. He is going to be the greatest NBA player of all time.

Joey Harrington was going to be an unbelievable NFL pro

I would have put my life my 20 no my 18 year old life on this guy being an unbelievable Pro Joey Harrington. I was convinced Joey Harrington was going to be so good... it was also like Oregon up-tempo. This is all new. Who is this guy? Joey Harrington, I was convinced I was going to be that dude.

Freddy Adu was going to save American soccer

I'm going to have to go with the goat Freddy Adu and we still don't know. He still could be great true... he was the first one I went to his very first game. DC United. I was there he got in after like I don't know 70 minutes. I was like if he's really good. He's probably be starting. That was my first clue. Yeah, but maybe he wouldn't be great.

Greg Oden was a better prospect than Kevin Durant

I was Big Time Greg Odin's better than Kevin Durant and I was like, how can you pass on a big man this good? I think I was probably biased because he played you know, I watched him play the Big Ten... I would have put everything on Greg Oden being that block.

Daisuke Matsuzaka's gyroball was the biggest lie in sports

Daisuke Matsuzaka... I was promised the gyro ball. I was promised the gyroball. Okay, and I never got the Gyro Bowl. I was told that he had like 500 different pitches that he could throw that he was going to come over and do things that no human arm had ever done before... then he came over and he threw like 93 on the black.

The NFL has the most boring quarterback controversies ever in 2019

This year, we've got the most boring quarterback controversies of all time, perhaps ever in the history of the NFL... Titans [Mariota/Tannehill], Dolphins [Fitzpatrick/Rosen].

Eli Manning is not a starting-caliber NFL quarterback anymore

Eli Manning's not a starting quarterback anymore. [Pat Shurmur] is saying Eli is our quarterback because John Mara is the owner.

Bill Walton should be the commentator for every sporting event televised

Bill Walton watching a baseball game is just, it's incredible. He should do way more games. I don't know why they haven't thought of this, but he should just do everything. When they do the Ocho on ESPN, it should just be Bill Walton.

Carolina Blue is the best shade of blue

I'll go Carolina blue. Who doesn't love that? Baby blue. Also, a.k.a.

Orange is the best Starburst flavor

I will go with orange. Best Starburst flavor, color of fire, Charmander.

The color of Taco Bell's Baja Blast is a top-tier shade of greenish-blue

I had a better way to describe it. It is. It's a good color. I had it written down. The color of Baja Blast. That's my last pick. Baja Blast greenish blue.

The 2019 Packers offense is set up perfectly for a versatile fullback like Danny Vitale

I told him, I did tell you this offense is set up sweet for [Danny Vitale]. I mean, his set of skills, you don't play Lorenzo Neal fullback anymore in the NFL... you're not just sledding downhill, smoking your face mask on another guy's face mask. You gotta be versatile. You gotta be able to catch 20 yard, 30 yard passes downfield and you gotta be able to run the football.

Fast players are at a disadvantage in 'slow' conditions like the long grass at Northwestern's stadium

Fast guys don't know how to run in slow conditions... Slow guys know how to run slow conditions. If you slow down enough. We went down to Chicago one time with Ryan Grant, one of the fastest guys I've ever played with. He would get out of the backfield and just start stumbling... those fast guys, they just can't handle that grass being that long.

The NFL should implement a 'fullback assist' as an official fantasy football statistic

We implemented a stat... a full-back assist. It's when you set a block on somebody and they score a touchdown. If they're lined up with a fullback and a running back within five yards, if the tailback scores a touchdown and you hit the block, then you get an assist, which is a stat that I feel like has been missing from the NFL for a very long time.

Fullbacks are among the smartest players on the football field

Fullbacks get the rap that we're not smart people. I think they're some of the fucking smartest guys on the football field because we got to know every line scheme whether it's a run game or pass game... know every single route because they'll spread you out.

The NFL intentionally closed the helmet loophole to 'win' against Antonio Brown

At best, it's been horrible communication... At worst, I feel like they just want to win. They're just making it up as they go... once they recognized there was a loophole because they had failed to previously test the Schutt Air Advantage, they jammed that loophole shut to win.

Peter King should not be allowed to use Twitter after 6:00 PM because he keeps falling for fake news parody accounts

Peter KingRetweeted a parody account... and said, has any player ever done more to shoot his way out of town before ever playing a game there?... Peter King way to go man nothing like eating the trash... I don't think he should be allowed to be on, like, Twitter past 6 p.m.

Acquiring a cat is the first step toward retirement for an NFL player

I will say that acquiring a cat is the first step towards retirement. Yeah, you don't get a cat unless you're thinking about retiring. Second cat is he's retired. Absolutely.

Bill Belichick would easily kill Mike Vrabel in a steel cage match

Bill Belichick would kill Mike Vrabel. Bill Belichick's the type of guy that has like one move that he hits your neck and you just die. He's the old kung Fu Master that can still catch a fly with chopsticks and the young guy that's all jacked up can't do it.

Small dicks and dad bods are the defining trends of the decade

Small dicks are back. That's true. Small dicks are back. So shout out to me and all the other small dick guys, but dad bods and small dicks—it's our decade.

Conor McGregor has lost his punching power

Connors got no power. No power anymore. No power. [...] It's good advertising for Proper 12 though because it's like if you don't drink this whiskey, Conor McGregor might knock you out... [but the old man] just sat there and kept going on with his day.

iPhone 'tapback' message reactions serve no purpose and the inventor should be exiled

I am in quite the text thread for my [fantasy football] league. Not only are is everybody just like replying with small little jokes, but they're also huge on the emphasizing things, the laughing at things—those extra buttons. They serve no extra purpose and I fucking hate those extra buttons because they fill up my phone notifications... the person that invented it should have to go live in Brazil for the rest of their life.

Age 21 is the best age because of the thrill of finally being legal to drink

I'll start with 21. Everyone's excited. Everyone had a fake ID in college, but when you turn 21 that first time you walk in the bar and you're like, 'yep, that's really me.' There's no thrill like that.

Age 4 is the best age because it is the last year of complete freedom before school

I'm going to go with 4. It is the last year before you're stuck in a school every single day for life. You're just playing all day every day. All you have to do is play games, watch Teletubbies and just chill. That is your last year of complete and total freedom in your life.

Age 100 is the best age because everyone laughs at everything you say

If you get to a hundred, people think you walk on water. I think you're Jesus. [...] Everyone throws you parties. [...] If you're a hundred, people will just laugh at everything you say no matter what. You can go viral at a hundred for just existing.

The only reason I have a successful acting career is because of my nickname

The only thing that has made me successful is my nickname [Topher]. I'm positive. There's nothing to do with the acting. Topher Grace is different than Chris. That's just a different vibe.

Texas should trademark 'Horns Down' to sue people instead of complaining

Texas should just trademark the phrase 'horns down' and the motion 'horns down'. That way when everybody does it, they can actually sue them instead of just crying about it.

I am disappointed in Big Cat's flip-flopping on being an anti-vaxxer

I'm a little disappointed in your flip-flopping with anti-vax. [...] If you're going to pick a side, you have to stick to it. [...] What kind of example are you setting for your son without succumbing to peer pressure?

Pretending you were sprayed by a skunk is the ultimate work/school excuse

Saying that you got sprayed by a skunk... if you say 'I got sprayed by a skunk,' nobody will ever question you on that. [...] Skunk it. Free advice. Anybody use it. Never be questioned.

Green Bay is kind of a dump

We went up to Green Bay. Kind of a dump. We talked to Matt LaFleur about coaching Aaron Rodgers. They call it title town for a reason, folks.

I will give Antonio Brown two certified helmets if he simulates eating Derek Carr's ass as a touchdown celebration

We have tracked down two of these [Schutt Air Advantage] helmets in his size... he said that if we can find one and he can get one, he'll trade a Raiders used helmet. And we don't want that. In return, we want you to do a touchdown dance for us... Either eat Derek Carr's ass or P.F. Chang's with Mark Davis... You gotta simulate ass eating. You get both helmets.

Dak Prescott is not worth $40 million per year

I don't think he's worth 40 million dollars. And I think that you probably have to sit down, Dak, and be like, dude, I know that you want this much money, but would you rather this much money or maybe win a Super Bowl with the Dallas Cowboys?