Takes

A baseball field is like international waters with no rules

As far as I can tell... a baseball field is like international waters where there are no rules.

You should always throw the first punch against a man named Rugned

Rule of thumb. You always throw the first punch against a guy named Rugned. That's a guy that can't go back. That's a guy that's got nothing to lose right there.

Jose Bautista didn't expect to be punched because real punches never happen in baseball fights

[Bautista] basically was like, I can guarantee that this won't happen because it's never, ever happened. I mean, the last time a true punch was thrown, Michael Barrett and AJ Pierzynski, I mean, it's been a long time. So he banked on that.

The Cubs could win the World Series this year

Do you think the Cubs will ever win a World Series? This could be the year, man. I'm looking forward to the All-Chicago World Series this year. I like that. That would be something special.

If I took steroids, I would have hit at least 70 home runs in a season

If you did take steroids, how many home runs do you think you could have hit in a season? 70. I was going to say 100, but okay. I would say 70. Yeah, because I remember so many balls being hit every year that just really were caught on the wall or hit off the top of the wall.

The 2016 Cubs are the best team in MLB history and will sweep the World Series

I think this might be the best baseball team in the history of Major League Baseball, and I think that there's no chance that anything bad could happen to them this year. Like, they're going to cruise. I think it's going to be four-game sweep in the World Series.

Bryce Harper is a coward for taking intentional walks instead of swinging at pitch-outs

I actually think that Bryce Harper is a coward for not swinging at any of those pitches. Say what you want about Vlad Guerrero, but the guy would take a cut at a pitch out. My question is, if Harper doesn't like it so much, why does he put a stop to it and just take a running start and just groove one of the meatballs that's thrown outside?

Bartolo Colon is back on steroids because he hit a long home run

My witch hunt is it's pretty obvious. Bartolo Colon is back on steroids after he jacked that dinger like that went to like the 12th row. That was no small dinger. That was like a legit shot.

Bartolo Colon is allowed to do steroids because he never goes to the gym

Bartolo Colon, though, he absolutely falls under our pardon my take, use it, don't abuse it steroid law because there's no way he goes to a gym. So if he wants to do steroids, he can do steroids as far as I'm concerned.

The only weakness for the 2016 Cubs is that they are still the Cubs

The thing that scares me is the only weakness I can find on this Cubs team is that we're still the Cubs. ... It will be all-time heartbreak.

Steroid users should be allowed to use them as long as they don't work out

I think for steroids, you should be able to use them as long as you don't abuse them... If you use steroids, you can't lift any weights. This is the Pardon My Take 'use it, don't abuse it' rule. If you use it, stay out of the gym.

Pablo Sandoval is 'hurt' because he's fat, not 'injured'

I'd say he's hurt. I wouldn't say he's injured. I think his whole body is... he's just so out of shape. He's like, 'ow, I slept on it funny, I'm out for the rest of the season.' That's a fat guy thing. You start making up injuries in your brain.

Pablo Sandoval will be just as good from the right side as the left side next year

So his right hand is going to be getting a lot of exercise. He's got a wipe, J-O, you name it... flash forward to next season, he might be just as good from the right side as he is from the left. So keep an eye on that.

Jake Arrieta is 'juicing through his eyeballs'

I think Jake Arrieta is a classic case of juicing through his eyeballs. If you look at the facts on Jake Arrieta real quick, he wasn't very good early in his career and now he's super good. What do they all have in common [with A-Rod]? You guessed it: using a lot of steroids.

Cal Ripken Jr. used performance-enhancing drugs to maintain his consecutive games streak

I think that we need to bring back steroid accusations because you're absolutely right. So I'll get it started by reiterating my favorite steroid claim of all time, and that's that Cal Ripken Jr. used steroids or performance-enhancing drugs to break that streak.

Greg Maddux was a sick individual in the clubhouse who used teammates' clothes to clean himself

He [Greg Maddux] was a sick individual to say the least. You know, there was nothing that was off limits for Greg. You know, he wasn't opposed to going into somebody's locker and grabbing a piece of piece of clothing and using it to clean himself in various ways and things of that nature.

Otis Nixon would beat Sid Bream in a race even if Bream had a head start

I think I'm pretty confident in betting that Otis [Nixon] is going to make it around before Sid [Bream] does. [Even if Sid gets started] I still think Otis is going to do it. Sid was not fleet of foot.

Being a left-handed pitcher is a massive advantage in sports that other athletes don't have

The overwhelming thing that was in the favor of baseball was I was a left-handed pitcher. I just felt like being a left-handed pitcher I had a big advantage in baseball that I didn't have in hockey. Left-handed pitchers, everybody's looking for them.

Kyle Schwarber will return from his ACL/LCL injury in six months, in time for the World Series

That's a little out of my expertise in information systems. Let's say six months... [Back in time for the World Series?] Sure. I mean, that's where the money is. I would say so.

The Cleveland Indians' Chief Wahoo logo will be on the hot seat this year

We, this show, called the shot that the Indians were going to have a good year and the Chief Wahoo logo was going to be on the hot seat and people were going to all get upset. Well, guess what? They had a good year. They lost in the World Series, but they had a good year. They're back. Chief Wahoo still on the hot seat.

The Red Sox cannot claim fat discrimination against Pablo Sandoval because they knew he was fat when they signed him

They accepted him as being a lot-ass when they signed him, he was heavy. ... So they will accept them the way he was. ... We hired you and we knew that you were this tub of lard and it didn't matter at the time. ... The reason that we're letting you go is not because you're fat, but because you can't hit for a lick.

I pick the Reds to win the World Series

The Reds are 3-0. You pick them to win the World Series. ... I think it said that we're going to win so many games this year that we can afford to have a really long hashtag.

Tony La Russa is the ultimate 'Baseball Man' for falling asleep at a red light while drunk

I mean, Tony La Russa, classic baseball man, falling asleep at a red light because he's too drunk. That's just baseball man life.

It only counts as Opening Day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day

I only count it as opening day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day and watch baseball. Otherwise, like a Sunday night, I could do that any other week of the year.

The Reds will finish in second place in the NL Central

Out of the NL Central, I've got the Reds followed up by the Cubs. I don't know. I think the Cubs are going to be a good wildcard team this year... If [the Reds] come in second place in the division, I'm going to look like the smartest guy in baseball.

The Cubs have the best team top-to-bottom in baseball

I do think the Cubs have the best team. And I know that everyone will be like, that's biased. They don't have the best pitching, but I'm talking about top to bottom team.

Being on rehab is the easiest money in professional sports

I'm addicted to actually rehab. It's the easiest money in pro sports. You don't ever have to play, and they keep sending you checks on the drugs. It's better than drugs, actually.

I'm taking Matt Harvey's man card for getting a bladder infection

Apparently he had a bladder infection, which right off the bat, I'm taking his man card for that because I did not know that guys could get bladder infections. I thought that was only a woman thing. I know that sounds ignorant. But that's kind of what the man cards for is like when you feel scared by your own ignorance, you just got to take the man card.

Matt Harvey can't be trusted in any aspect of his life because he doesn't pee at the right time

Matt Harvey is going to the bathroom when he has to go to the bathroom now everything else that Matt Harvey does you have to question... The fact that he can't control his own bowels means that he can't be trusted in any other aspect of his life. So, yeah, if I'm the Mets, I'm like, this is a big problem. Guy can't pee.

Adam LaRoche's retirement over his son being in the clubhouse was just 'hurt feelings'

Adam LaRoche quit because his feelings were hurt. He got his feelings hurt... your feelings are hurt because the White Sox basically said, hey, Adam, you're a 14 year old best friend. You can't bring him around anymore.

Hating bat flips is the ultimate litmus test for being a bad person

Is there a better litmus test in the world than people who hate bat flips being like just shitty people. Like if you hate a bat flip, it's basically like people who like kill like puppies and people who hate bat flips. That's the quickest way to figure out if you're a bad person. If you don't like bat flips, I don't even know where I would love to hear someone explain to me how they got to the point where they're like, goddamn backflips.

Bryce Harper would be more likable if he shaved male pattern baldness into his head

If he didn't have the hair that he had, I think he would get a lot more love. Like think about Mike Trout. You don't hate Mike Trout because Mike Trout's kind of pudgy. He's like, doesn't have very good hair. ... Bryce Harper. He's doing every, every time I look around, he's got his hair flowing everywhere and he's got his shirt off. He's doing this. He's hitting home runs. You can't have it all. So either you change your name to Bruce or you shave your head, maybe shave male pattern baldness in, and then I'll start being a fan of Bruce Harper.