Takes

Pumpkins are useless food that only hippos and squirrels actually enjoy

I got a vendetta against everything pumpkin... nobody likes pumpkins, we're just forced to do a lot of stuff that we just forced to do as human beings... The only animal [that eats it] is the hippopotamus and squirrels.

Putting beans in chili is 'woke'

I think I agree with him that beans and chili are woke... it is like Texas chili is just meat... This is like nerfing chili. It's not letting dudes fart. Dudes can't even fart anymore because we're taking the beans out of chili.

Cold pasta has no carbs or calories

Here's a, here's a little fun fact for everyone as a nutritionist, pasta cold pasta has no carbs. So that's just a fact for everyone out there. No carbs, no calories, cold pasta. You can, whenever you eat cold pasta, the next day you could just eat so much of it.

Corn is a fruit and it will win the Mount Rushmore for Team Billy

Corn. Corn is a fruit. Can you guys believe that? An ear of corn is not technically a fruit. Instead, each kernel is a fruit. Exactly... I'm talking to the corn lovers of America. You're gonna vote for Team Billy because of corn... Trust in corn.

The Taco Bell breakfast crunch wrap is so good I want it to choke me out with a dog collar and throw me into a volcano

Breakfast crunch wrap Supreme from Taco Bell. I want it to choke me out with a dog collar on a leather leash. And then I want it to throw me into a real volcano.

Dipping Oreos in water is better than dipping them in milk

I brought forward to the world, the art of dipping your Oreos and water, essentially washing them taste delicious, better than milk.

Dipping pizza in soy sauce is life

Dipping pizza in soy sauce. Oh, life... It just adds some saltiness to it. I thought it was a great idea.

Dolphins would be a delicious meal if you harpooned them the old-fashioned way

We're going with a dish that the Japanese do really well: dolphins. [I'd kill it the] old fashioned way, harpoon, just choke it out. Just bring them into a Cove and slaughter them all. That's the old fashioned way is just stabbing a dolphin with a harpoon.

Washing Oreos with water is a delicious way to eat them

Would you wash an Oreo with water? Yes. Always... No, try it. Next time you get some Oreos. Hank does. It's actually delicious.

There is no difference between 1%, 2%, and whole milk.

I do [drink whole milk]... I just have strong bones. I bet you big guy, we do a taste test, I would be able to... there's no difference.

Ketchup is a disgusting mask for people with bad taste

Ketchup period. Ketchup is disgusting. Anyone who jumps—it's a mask. It's the same as buffalo sauce. If you need to have ketchup—like people that eat pizza but I need to have ketchup... it's just a masquerade. People that eat ketchup get addicted to it.

Frosted Flakes is easily the worst cereal option

This is way more controversial than my last one. But easily my least favorite cereal Frosted Flakes... growing up and I go to my friend's house for sleepovers or whatever and they go on Frosted Flakes. No disgusting.

The best way to deep fry a turkey is to make sure it is completely frozen

The best way to prepare a turkey, in my opinion, is by deep frying it... If you deep fry it, make sure that it's completely frozen... A lot of people burn their house down every year, so make sure it's totally frozen. And then drop it from a high surface area and make sure it all spills over and do it indoors.

If you don't like mayonnaise, you are probably homophobic and misogynistic

If you don't like mayo, you're actually, well, and also, you're probably kind of homophobic and a little misogynistic. Because you're just like, your masculinity is threatened by having this creamy, delicious spread just down your throat.

I would eat three steaks a day for 30 days for $10 million

If you've got $10 million you want to put up, I'll have three stakes a day for an entire 30 days. Wow. It's out there.

Since pickles are green, a Dilly Dog is basically a salad

No, I like it [Dilly Dog]. You can put anything in a pickle. And guess what? Since pickles are green, it's basically a salad. If you wrap anything in green, boom. Healthy.

Whataburger's actual burgers are trash

Whataburger is trash... Whenever you talk about a burger joint, you're talking about the burger. You can't say you've got to try Whataburger, but the chicken's really good. I know this great rib joint, but you've got to try the salmon.

IPAs are estrogenic and make you grow breasts

It is a proven fact that IPAs are estrogenic and make you grow tits.

The McChicken is the most fuckable sandwich

I think number one's got to be the McChicken. It's like the Lance Armstrong of fuckable sandwiches. [The guy in the video] destigmatized fucking the McChicken.

Washing an Oreo under tap water before eating it is 'not that bad'

My buddy was like, oh, have you ever run an Oreo underneath water before you ate it?... He went and got an Oreo and put it underwater and gave it to me. It wasn't that bad.