Takes

Andy Reid is a better coach in Orlando than in Hawaii because he isn't drinking Mai Tais on the beach

Andy Reid [is back, he] won the Pro Bowl. It turns out Andy coaches a lot better in Orlando than he does in Hawaii when he's on a beach drinking Mai Tais for nine hours before the game.

The Saturday Wild Card game featuring the Texans is a tradition of bad football that everyone hates

The Texans are playing the first wildcard game on Saturday that everyone's going to hate and always features really bad quarterback play. Tradition like any other.

NFL coach, beat reporter, and super fan trades should be more common

I love any non-athlete trade, and there needs to be more of them. ... I think it should be expanded to beat reporters. ... I want to see super fans getting traded.

Numbers and analytics are ruining sports

Numbers ruin sports. You made us all robots. Sports was great when it was just men grunting at each other, and there was no number for how much pain you're playing through.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back and the Packers are the team nobody wants to play in January

Aaron Rodgers is officially back. He did his whole thing where everyone talked about how [he] was awful, and then he's rattled off three games that have been great, and the Packers are right back in the thick of things, and they are officially the don't-want-to-play-these-guys-in-January team.

The Detroit Lions are in trouble because Matthew Stafford's finger injury is a season-killer

The Lions are back because something really good happened to them today, and they're in the catbird seat of the NFC North. But then in a win, they also got really bad news as Matthew Stafford dislocated his middle finger on his throwing hand and severed a bunch of ligaments. So they're kind of fucked.

Snow football is the best football to watch

The Packers game, Bears game. Those are the best games to watch. Snow football. Love it. It's fun to get excited for the first snowfall and then just be miserable for four months straight.

The punt safety is the best play in football

I love the punch [punt] safety, by the way. Love it. The punch safety is probably my favorite play in football. And Harbaugh used it.

John Gruden is the ultimate coaching search leverage tool to help candidates negotiate higher salaries

John Gruden is like the fail-proof coaching rumor. When a team or a college can't leverage their coaching search against anyone, they're like, well, John Gruden's interested... He's always going to come back if a team needs him to negotiate against someone else.

Russell Wilson is a bizarre human being who would be in a mental institution if he weren't an athlete

The person who woke him up every hour and a half, the voodoo people, the hypnotist, the concussion water, the strength coach... he's just a bizarre human being... if he wasn't an exceptional athlete and he did all this shit, he would probably be in a mental institution.

Snow football is the key to driving NFL ratings back up

I think that this is absolutely the key to driving ratings back up is get a couple snow games in people will watch snow football all day.

Football is officially back and here to stay.

The whole sport of football. It's been a whole long season. Everyone's shitting on it, saying it's only got so much time, 25 years before it's gone forever. This weekend was a perfect example. It's back, and it's here to stay.

The Detroit Lions officially beat the bye week after everyone else in the NFC North lost.

The lions beat the bye week because every team lost except the lions. That's right. So that snaps their 30-year consecutive losing streak against the bye week.

Every NFL team that passed on Dak Prescott will be draft shamed forever

Dak Prescott has been named the starter. He was drafted 135... You could have had Dak Prescott. And people will remind you every single day... Everyone gets draft shamed now that Dak Prescott is officially the starter and a superstar.

The Raiders are officially back.

The Raiders. The Raiders are officially back. And it's fun. The Raiders are like Notre Dame or maybe even the Yankees where everything's more fun when they're back.

The Raiders are officially back as the 'Bad Boy' team of the NFL

I have the Bad Boy Raiders are back. The team of the 70s. Silver and black... They set a record for most penalties in a game... Al Davis bad boys are in town.

Jeff Fisher intentionally loses games once he gets above .500 because he is a try-hard for mediocrity

Jeff Fisher... He lost, but he's back at .500. So that's the classic Jeff Fisher. It just felt like such a try-hard move by him. And you know that the second he goes 3-1, he takes his foot off the pedal so hard. He's like, 'hey, guys, we need to get back to even here.'

This is finally the breakout year for Reggie Bush

I think this is the year for Reggie Bush. ... So on the year, his year average is negative four. So today he had three, so I think that was the rush he needed.

The Atlanta Falcons are officially back.

I have my who's back, the Atlanta Falcons. Falcons are back. They are back. Last week you had Matt Ryan back, right? Well, no, two weeks, three weeks ago I had Dan Quinn on my hot seat. Then I had Matt Ryan back. Now I have the Falcons back.

Jeff Fisher will lose his next two games because the Rams are in L.A.

Jeff Fisher is losing his next two games now that the Rams are in L.A. Hollywood Jeff is going to be reading the dailies. He's going to see his name and variety. And he's like 3-1, 3-1. I know another team from Golden State that was 3-1 not too long ago.

Aaron Rodgers is officially back

Aaron Rodgers is [back]... Aaron gets really surly with the media. He pouts, tells everyone to relax, and then he goes out and kills the Lions. And I feel like we've done this every year.

JJ Watt's fast recovery from surgery is a result of using steroids

Steroids are back. JJ Watt had two huge sacks, not implying anything. I'm just saying. He had a really serious surgery a couple weeks ago, right? ... Jesus and steroids, shout out.

Matt Ryan is officially back

I am going with Matt Ryan. He's back. Went on the road. Won a game. Matty Ice. Bring it back out.

A football team of active military troops would dominate the NFL

I can't be the only one who thinks if the troops wanted to, they could put together a football team and dominate the NFL.