Takes

Tiger Woods will never win another major

Tiger's never coming back... I would love to see him win a major, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Tiger Woods missing the cut is actually good because he can't get injured during the final two rounds

Other spin zone, he only played two rounds because he missed the cut. So that's two less rounds you could injure himself in. Less wear and tear. Smart move getting ready for the Masters. Way to save yourself.

Tiger Woods is officially back

I think he's back. Actually, being that I practiced with him and play with him before and before the Ryder Cup and leading up to the Bahamas, he kept looking better and better.

Bubba Watson is the biggest dickhead on the PGA Tour

We'll give it to [Bubba Watson] just for fun. He's one of my best friends, but... Just for fun, Bubba Watson's the biggest dick on tour. Got it.

The Masters' theme music is the instant cure for insomnia

It's also just good for dads out there to have, instead of having to rely on Ambien or something to go to sleep, if a dad turns on the Masters music, he's going to fall asleep within five minutes. Best nap of the year. Instant cure for insomniacs.

Tiger Woods switched to Bridgestone golf balls so he can blame the equipment for his poor play

I like the choice by Tiger because you go off brand, you can always blame the balls... I thought these balls had the spin and distance and torque that I needed for my game. I was wrong. That's why I broke my back again and it had nothing to do with the steroids.

Tiger Woods will never again look like his old self for four straight days at the highest level

Show me Tiger Woods four days in a row at the highest level. Not going to happen. Not going to happen. Not going to happen.

Tiger Woods took a Monster Energy sponsorship because he wants to turn into a 'JV' version of himself

I'd like to see Tiger turn into Cabrera, the guy that smokes on the golf course. I'd like to see Tiger just embrace the new weird, washed up, second rate C plus JV Tiger and just start smoking.

Tiger Woods fanboys are delusional if they think the old Tiger is coming back

I just can't stand the Tiger fanboys that think old Tiger's coming back. He said it's phase two, which is nice. He leaves out the point that Phase 1 stopped after he became addicted to working out with Navy SEALs, cheated on his wife, crashed into a fire hydrant and hurt his back a million times.

England shouldn't be allowed to compete for Europe in the Ryder Cup after Brexit.

What a crock of shit that England's allowed to compete with Europe even though they Brexited. Give me a break. You can't have it both ways, man.

Tiger Woods will likely never win another major championship

Gun to my head, Tiger wins another major? Probably not. I mean, I don't know. He hadn't played golf all year. Also, there was a gun to my head.

Jim Furyk's 58 deserves an asterisk because he didn't even win the tournament.

I was about to say, like, shouldn't there be an asterisk on his round? It absolutely is. I mean, it happens all the time. So I guess good for Furyk. But like at the end of the day, you know, you don't get a trophy because he shot a 58.

Arnold Palmer was never actually a good golfer

I don't think Arnold Palmer was ever actually good. Have you seen that guy swing? Swings like my grandpa. I would kill that guy.

Phil Mickelson has a recessive clutch gene

Phil [Mickelson] has a clutch gene because he's won a championship, but I think he might be the first person with a recessive clutch gene. You know how a redhead? You'll blow the redhead that pops up in your family. He's got the recessive clutch gene because he so often finishes second.

Rory McIlroy's tight shirts and muscle mass are hurting his golf game

I think it's probably the most correct take I've ever heard dude you ever hear of popcorn muscles yeah that's what [Rory McIlroy] has got. And if you think about a golf swing actually wearing a really tight shirt probably has some effect on it right?

Golf does not belong in the Olympics

I'll tell you one thing I think is ridiculous is all this Olympics and golf... to me, the Olympics does – it's not golf. If you're a golfer... it just seems silly. You want to win the British Open, you want to win the Masters, you want to win the U.S. Open... nobody cares about the Olympics. It's track and field, it's weight lifting, it's swimming.

Sports should wait until the end of the game to announce penalties

The USGA said that they weren't going to announce whether or not [Dustin Johnson] was going to be penalized until after his round was over, which is just a great rule. I wish more sports would incorporate something like this. Like if the NBA waited until the fourth quarter to be like, yeah, Steph's foot was on the line for that three-pointer in the first quarter. So we're going to take away one point. Anyone out there who's complaining about this rule is a bad Christian because you don't get to know if you're going to heaven until after you're dead.

The winning score at the 2016 U.S. Open will be plus 25

I heard the winning score is going to be like plus 25. Doesn't matter with DraftKings it will be fun the triple bogeys will be exhilarating.

Tiger Woods should ditch Nike and get sponsored by Champion or Costco

I think it's time for Tiger Woods to ditch Nike because you see Tiger Woods in the Nike and you think of early 2000s... height of his powers. And you're like, why is this guy not the same? I think he needs to be sponsored by, like, Champion... wear the like $9.99 stiff cotton shirts... because then everyone in their brain starts saying, well, we don't expect anything from this Tiger.

Tiger Woods loses his 'man card' for needing his dad to teach him how to drink water between beers

Tiger Woods, I'm taking your man card, first of all... Asking your dad to teach you how to drink a beer because you puked at a fricking frat party once? Man card again. How many times can I take this man card?

I would much rather see an all-time meltdown than an all-time comeback

I don't know if you agree with me on this one, I would so much rather see an all-time meltdown than an all-time comeback. An all-time meltdown, especially in golf, when it's just you out there... you're just stuck there sucking worse than anyone has ever sucked.

Jordan Spieth threw his caddy under the bus by referring to his mistakes as 'we'

Spieth did kind of throw his caddy under the bus in his post-game press conference. ... So he kept saying we, which is kind of weird, right? Because you're a golfer, and you're the guy out there hitting the shots. He's like, we had a tough time on 12. We made some bad shots.

Tiger Woods will never win another major championship

I'm firmly in the Tiger will never win another Masters or major championship in his life. And I've said that for like four or five years now. I just don't, your body can only take so many steroids before you become immune to them.

Golf is not a major sport

I don't care if someone shoots the wrong club or if I said the wrong terminology with golf. Golf is not a major sport. It's not one of the four major sports for a reason. If it were a major sport, everyone would watch it.