Takes

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.

Arkansas is one of the worst states in the country

And then the very last one, I'm going to go with the state of Arkansas... I feel like everywhere Brett Bielema goes, the bubble around his body is sovereign land. He's not a part of any state.

Starkville, Mississippi is one of the worst cities in America

Starkville, Mississippi. We went in the Dixie tour... I'm sure [Stingray Steve] agrees with me because literally all there is is a strip of fast food restaurants. Like, that's their nightlife. Bars closed at 12. We showed up there, and everyone on our bus got pink eye.

Las Vegas is a terrible city after the first 36 hours

Las Vegas. I fucking hate Las Vegas. Las Vegas is a great city to visit the first time you visit for the first day and a half that you're here. And then you realize that it's basically a mix of New Year's Eve and a cruise ship. And no one wants to be on either of those things.

I want the Fox NFL Sunday injury music played at my funeral

I actually said a couple of years ago, I want that song [Fox NFL Sunday injury music] played at my funeral... seriously... if I'm dead, you guys are going to die too.

Falling asleep on strangers during transit is a power move

Falling asleep on strangers is absolutely a power move. Big transit sleeper, yep.

Winking at men is a high-level power move

And then finally, winking at men. Yeah, winking's good. It's like winking when you introduce yourself to somebody. That's a sweet move.

The years AD 614 to 911 did not actually happen

The phantom time hypothesis. So there are a bunch of people out there that truly believe that the years AD 614 to 911 didn't happen... They were all made up by the church. So like that's 300 years of human history that we just were taught about, but they don't happen.

ChapStick is a myth that creates its own dependency

I think ChapStick's a myth, too. Like, I don't believe in ChapStick. I've never put on ChapStick one time in my life, and I've never thought I needed ChapStick. But once you start using it, then your mind tells you, I need more ChapStick.

The 1969 moon landing was faked

I also don't think the moon landing was real, but that's, again, those are more facts, not conspiracy theories.

The planet would be better off without mosquitoes

Number one, mosquitoes. I don't know what part of the ecosystem mosquitoes fits into, but you can't convince me that the planet wouldn't be better without mosquitoes.

Anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer

Ferrets. Because anyone who owns a ferret is probably a murderer, and that's just like pre-crime. We basically created pre-crime by getting rid of ferrets.

Grackles are the world's shittiest bird

I'd like to add grackles to the list. They're the world's shittiest bird. They're ten times worse than any sort of bird out there.

Witches are more real than the ghosts in scary movies

Witches. Big time fear... They're more real than [Hank's] scary movies.

The Yellowstone supervolcano is 100,000 years overdue for an eruption that will end the world

The Yellowstone Super Volcano... we are way overdue for an eruption. We're 100,000 years past due for it. So, you know, live like there's no tomorrow because it probably isn't.

I will not let a friend use my phone charger unless my own battery is at least 70%

I'm a hog. I'm a charge hog. I'm kind of an asshole. [I have to be at] 70% [to let someone else use it].

Asking a friend to get something on Barstool is the worst favor you can ask

Can you get this on Barstool? The worst. People know I haven't talked to in years will text me a little blue like, yo, put this on Barstool.

Being asked to be a Maid of Honor is a rough favor to fulfill

Will you be my maid of honor? Like that's such a – that is a rough ask. If you're a maid of honor, you've got to plan out the entire bachelor party. You've got to plan out the wedding shower. You've got to plan out... basic bitch t-shirts.

An airport pickup or drop-off is a brutal favor

Airport pickup or drop-off. Brutal. Also, a cousin of that, can you take me to the hospital? worst.

God from the Old Testament is a top-tier bad guy

So I'll segue right from there into my number three which is God, God from the Old Testament. Kind of a bad guy. Threw a lot of stuff at people. People forget that. That God was kind of a hard ass.

Jumping off a bridge into water is the best hangover cure

First one, jumping off a bridge. Like jumping off a bridge into water. You get an adrenaline rush, and then you get the water, and then once you're in the ocean, then you're unhungover.

A 'Hollywood executive workout' (steam, sauna, hot tub) is the best way to cure a hangover

My last one is the good old-fashioned Hollywood slash executive workout. Little steam, sauna, hot tub, shower, nothing better. That's my favorite type of workout.

Drinking a mix of Pedialyte and vodka all night prevents hangovers

If you want to not have a hangover, here's what you do. You take Pedialyte and then you mix it with vodka or rum and then you just drink that all night so you don't get hungover to begin with. That's a pro's move.

'Out of pocket' is the worst office buzzword because nobody knows what it actually means

Number one, I cannot stand when people say out of pocket. I don't even know what that means... See, this is the worst buzzword because no one even knows what it means. So when you say out of pocket, you're an asshole for this. It could also go on the Mount Rushmore of excuses. I'm out of pocket. And then when someone says, I thought you were out of pocket, you had your phone on you, said, no, I'm out of pocket. I don't have my phone. I don't have anything. I'm out of pocket.

Synergy is the best filler word for office life and will lead to promotions

When you're in the office, use synergy as a filler word. You'll probably get promoted four times before Christmas.

It is okay to be late for office cake because everyone is always on a diet

It's OK to be late for the cake because everyone in an office is always on a diet. So when the cake comes out, everyone just wants a small sliver. Just want a little sliver. No, even smaller than that... There'll be 20 people eating a cake. And you'll come out. Everyone will have a slice. And there'll still be half a cake left. And you can just do whatever you want.

Never say 'I didn't know' in an office; instead use 'my understanding was' to lie or look better

If you ever need to lie about something or you need to just say, oh, I didn't know about that, never say, I didn't know. It makes you look bad in the office. You always say, oh, my understanding was we didn't have to work the day after the 4th of July. It also works on basically calling someone a dumb fuck. Like, oh, my understanding of this situation was this. Like basically, hey, listen, you're so stupid you didn't realize what was going on.

Women love bad boys and cigarette smokers

Number two [things chicks dig] bad boys... if you can maybe have a little mean streak to you. Chicks dig cigarette smokers slash heavy cologne users. They'll tell their friends, 'ew, he smokes,' then they'll be like, 'ooh, bad boy.'

Women love it when men tell them what to like and order for them at restaurants

Chicks love it when guys tell them what they like. Or order for them at a restaurant. It's just like whenever you're like, 'hey, this is actually you don't like that. You like what I like.' It just shows that you're not afraid to take charge.

Peeing in the pool is the most natural thing in the world

My final favorite Mount Rushmore pool activity. This is my number one, actually, peeing in the pool. I've never been in a pool that I haven't peed in. So that's just it's I will sometimes pass going to the bathroom in a bathroom just so I can pee in the pool.

Napping in the sun is a top-tier pool activity

Number three taking a nap. Oh yeah, yeah. Falling asleep in the sun. ... I'm going to just get a big sunburn and let it turn into a tan. ... I'm all natural.

I refuse to call Mount McKinley by the name Denali

I have Mount McKinley. I refuse to call it Denali. Screw that. It's Mount McKinley to me.