Takes

The state of Arizona is right to end Daylight Savings Time

I don't care about the daylight savings technicality... why we do it. I'm pretty sure the state of Arizona ended it. ... I just don't understand why farmers need to have us bent over a barrel for them. I'm sick of it. Agreed. It's very depressing.

The PIN to my ATM card has completely vanished from my brain after 15 years

I went to the ATM on Tuesday and went to punch in my pin, four-digit pin. I've had the same pin for probably 15 years. Fellas, it's just not in my brain anymore... There is no pin. I sat there. I typed in five different pins... Mrs. Cat doesn't know the pin? No pin.

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet

Never trust anyone who owns a monkey or a snake as a pet. They're not trustworthy... A monkey is just, it's basically you buy a monkey, it sits in your house, and it's just you set the timer for when it decides it wants to rip your face off. That's all it is.

Almost having sex is better than actually having sex

I am a long-standing believer that almost fucking is better than fucking. Because you can go home, and one, you didn't cheat... Two, you can go home and get the late-night piece of pizza and be like, man, I would have fucked. And it would have been awesome. Still got it.

Hard work is not punishment, it is the solution to losing

Hard work is not a form of punishment, but a lot of kids think it is. That's your job as a coach to teach them it is not. It's a solution. It's the way you get there. There's no correlation between working less and getting better.

Winning is not complicated; people are the ones who complicate it

I've said this many times and I've had an opportunity to prove it: winning is not complicated. People complicate it.

Weather should never be factored into betting over/unders

The weather's not going to—like, that's not going to be. I obviously have a lot of numbers and a lot of data points checking over in the rain. One of those data points is not weather. Not on over unders ever. No.

The internet should be shut down or strictly monitored

It's really a, it's a low point, you know, point in, I think the internet should be shut down and, or at least monitored. You gotta somehow, like I've been doing this bit about in cells that, you know, a bunch of people who aren't don't know how to talk to women, talk to a bunch of other people don't know how to talk to women. And in the end, they're all blaming women.

Ryen Russillo would beat the Pardon My Take crew in a fight because he holds so much internal anger

I actually have a different take on it. I think Russillo holds so much anger in his shoulders and neck from various people online saying, oh, did you vote for Trump because of the taxes that he would probably kick all of our assets... he would cave my Skullet.

Never plan a Saturday night dinner for a bachelor party

The biggest tip I always give is don't plan a dinner for Saturday night. That's the dumbest thing ever. It's like a tranquilizer dart to your face. You drink all day Saturday, and then you have this... big steak dinner on Saturday night, and then there's just no party afterwards because it's like, holy shit, we drank all day, then we ate a big meal. Who wants to go out after that?

You cannot be a diehard fan of two rival teams from the same city

I agree with this premise, by the way. If you are a diehard fan of one team from your hometown, you can't be a diehard fan of the equal and opposite team from that hometown... if you're John Cusack and you grew up in Chicago... he's a guy that should only be able to pick one of those two teams.

You get rich through saving money, not just earning it

I fly on a plane called Ryanair. That's the cheapest you can fly on in England... In 10, 15 years, when all the boxing's done and all these idiots are all flat broke... I'll still be a multimillionaire. Because it's not how much you can earn. It's how much you can save.

Dillinger was a better bull than Bodacious

I'd be a Dillinger guy. As far as what a guy would want to see out of a bucking bull as a rider, I think that Dillinger was a way better bull.

Bucking bulls are getting tougher and bred to buck harder

Bulls are getting tougher. It's just like the horse racing industry. They bred faster horses. They're breeding bulls to buck harder. And that's where we're finding a lack in actually getting more bull riders into the sport.

A 120-foot wave is the upper limit for what can be surfed.

I think 120 [feet] would do it... I'm really interested and excited and can't wait... I don't know what it does once it gets that big and breaks further out.

If you haven't been to the dentist in over three years, just never go again

Anyone who has not been there for more than three years, just never go again ever... she was the dental hygienist was just ripping up my mouth, blood everywhere. And she was like, if you did, if you came in every six months, none of this would have happened. And I was like, well, what if I just never came in again? None of this would've happened... I would recommend it to all of you... It is absolutely the worst.

Mickey Sudo might beat Joey Chestnut in the next Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest

Mickey Sudo only ate 45 hot dogs for the Nathan's hot dog eating contest. So she was able to eat way more bratwurst, even though they're bigger... if these trends are correct, Joey Chestnut might get knocked off this next hot dog eating contest. I'm just saying by a woman.

A scientific study proves that squirting is actually just pee

There was a study done on squirting where they hook an MRI machine up to someone's bladder... and the bladder's empty. Wait. So it's piss. It came from the bladder.

The Nicki Minaj 'swollen balls' story is a Joe Biden psyop

I actually think this might be a psyop. This might be a story planted by Joe Biden himself to make people want to get the vaccine. Because knowing guys, as I do, if you hear that there's medicine out there that makes your balls huge, there's going to be some dudes that are going to be like, you know what? I could use a little bit of inflation.

Saltwater crocodiles are the most fearsome predators in the wild

Probably a saltwater crocodile. Don't mess with the salties... I put them as number one in terms of fearsome predator been around since the dinosaurs for a reason... you're in the water with a salty you're in trouble.

Summer is officially over after Labor Day

Summer's over. Sorry, anyone who says summer lasts past Labor Day is a loser. We're so fucking pissed. Summer's over.

The first person to live to 200 years old has already been born

They think the first person to live to 200 has already been born. There have been studies that have been done. No, Big Cat, you didn't read the studies that I read.

A silverback gorilla could defeat an elephant by choking it out

I'm going to go elephant versus silverback gorilla. If the elephant can fucking get on his back and get him in a chokehold... [A] gorilla can tap out an elephant.

Rats are nastier than pigeons and would win in a fight

Just an all-out rat versus pigeon fight would be fun to watch. Just like who's the nastier animal. I think I got to go rats on that one.

Smoking an analog cigarette is cool as fuck

Smoking a cigarette. Yeah. Smoking a cigarette looks cool. Very harmful. I don't care if it's vape these days, but smoking, smoking, smoking an analog cigarette is cool as fuck. It's cool. It is.

You should kiss your boss to avoid work talk on the golf course

Just try to kiss him in the middle of your round and be like, I always get horny when I play golf. And then he'll never invite you something about the holes. Either and if, and if they don't give it to you lean in for a kiss and then if they kiss, you just say sexual harassment or 50% raise, ask for the kiss.

Pool water isn't actually blue; the lining is white and the water is clear

No, the water's clear... I think the walls, the walls are white, the bottom's white and the water's clear... This is the hill I'm dying on right now. The teas were definitely black... the water is clear and the lining of the pool was white.

I could swim 10 miles to shore to survive a shipwreck even with a shark nearby

I can make it. I can go to, I can get 10 miles, 10 miles... if it's just on survival alone, if the shark wasn't in there, I think I could do, I definitely could do way more, but that's the only sketchy part.

I can hold my breath for over 5 minutes

I did his [Wim Hof] technique. One day I was about to fall asleep. I was like, I'm just going to try, I'm going to try holding my breath. I dude, I made it five minutes and six seconds. Yeah. In the scariest part, the scariest part is I, I felt fine.

The Pyramids of Giza were probably built by aliens

I'm going to go with the real pyramids, Pyramids of Giza... the greatest structural engineering ever done, probably done by aliens.

You shouldn't be allowed to coach Little League if your children aren't in that age group

You should honestly should not be allowed to coach Little League if your children are not in that age group. Agreed. That's not a career, but you can stay on a Little League. Coach is not a job that you have for the rest of your life. You don't retire from becoming a Little League coach.

Buffalo is the greatest place on Earth

The city of Buffalo is the greatest place on earth. We went to the meet and greet yesterday, it was like two and a half hours straight of meeting people, taking pictures, and it was awesome. There's just something special about the people here.

Porn is the driving engine behind the internet

Anytime they try to take porn off of the internet, it's like that's what the internet was... The driving engine behind the internet is porn. It is. It's like trying to shovel a driveway in Antarctica. If you took all the porn off the internet, people would just not be on the internet anymore.

Cranking the AC as low as possible is the #1 hotel move

Easy 1-1, cranking the AC as low as it can possibly go. That is the number one rule of every hotel room. You get in there. It's not your AC. Pray it goes below 65.

The 'Shampoo Soup' is a top-tier hotel move

This is my patented thing. I might trademark this move, but the shampoo soup. You get in the shower, you just take all of the free complimentary bottles and you just pour them into your hand and just rub it all over your body. Listen, that's not really shampoo. It's not body wash. It's all basically the same thing. You just combine them.

Every hotel room needs two beds so one can be used for luggage and clothes

Using one of the two beds in your room as the bag and clothes bed. Yeah, as a shelf. You just put all your stuff out on there, dirty clothes, that goes on the bed too. It's actually – most bedrooms that are being designed right now in America should have a second bed. Because it's so much easier to just use a bed as that than it is to use a closet or a dresser.

Hotels that set 6 a.m. alarms on the bedside clock are the worst

The worst is when you go to a hotel and you don't even realize that there's an alarm set and it will go off. That happens like once every 10 times, but it's brutal. Like a 6 a.m. alarm and you just have to fucking smash that clock against the wall.

I can turn Ben Mintz into a 'lab rat turned muscle hamster' by controlling his diet and supplements

I now have the perfect opportunity [to] control all the variables and turn Ben Mintz into a lab rat turned muscle hamster... Basically I control all the variables. Like literally he's not going to be able to eat a meal without me. I'm going to pump this guy full of creatine, get him squatting heavy and see what happens.

You will never have a six-pack for next year's Grit Week either

I'm not trying to be a hater, but I don't think you'll have a six-pack for next grit week either. [to Billy Football]

Elephants think humans are cute in the same way we think puppies are cute

Elephants look at humans like humans look at puppies. Elephants think that humans are cute the same way we think puppies are cute because we're like small creatures to them.

OJ Simpson's son was the real killer in the 1994 murders

OJ did a great job distracting everybody about his son. His son was recorded attempting to stab someone... now you think of OJ not as this murderer, but this father... I think it's still a murderer was covered up.

You need at least $50 million in the bank to successfully use your parents' wealth to get out of jail

He was screaming like, my parents have $2 million. That's a lot of money, but it's also not like... I feel like if you're trying to get out of jail for free, your parents have to have like $50 million.

Tennis is a lifestyle or a leisure, not a real sport

I would say that tennis is more of an event. Yeah. Tennis is a lifestyle. Not really a sport. If you pick up a sport after you retire, that's not a sport. The thing they always say like, 'Hey, take up golf and tennis because you can play it for your whole life.' Well, that's not a sport. It's a leisure.

Nations should exclusively use identical twins for synchronized diving to gain a scoring advantage

Get identical twins to be doing the synchronized diving. I feel like that's an absolute no brainer. If your country has identical twins, put them into synchronized diving program as early as you possibly can, because they're going to have such a leg up. Even if they're off a little bit, their physical similarities are going to cover that up a lot.

The year 2022 is going to be sick

I think that 20, 22 is going to be sick.

Cleaning your ass with a showerhead and a towel is a valid solution when you run out of TP while moving

I sat down and started taking a shit and realized there was no toilet paper. And so I just took a shower... I didn't have anything. I just literally got in the shower or like wipe my ass and then got out... I used the towel and I threw away the towel.

Experienced fathers develop a 'sixth sense' that allows them to catch vomit in their hands

I finally get after all these years, like why people love the Jersey shore... My son was a little sick this week. I, now I have like dad's sixth sense. I caught my son's puke in my own hand that's because I knew it was coming and I fucking caught the whole goddamn puke in my hands.

Milk is the official state beverage of Kentucky

Kentucky state beverage is milk... for how much bourbon they store, largest in the world, and the mint juleps they serve at the Kentucky Derby, Kentucky state beverage is milk.

Tortoises have no natural lifetime and never die of old age

Tortoises have no natural lifetime. Only be killed by other things. They never die of old age... if you left a tortoise alone and kept like forever, right.

Squirrels can survive falls at terminal velocity

Squirrels can survive terminal velocity. Oh my God. What is that? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Are you kidding me? 69 faxing back 60 nines.