Takes

The table-jumping trend started because losers of beer pong wanted a way to destroy the table and put an exclamation point on the game

I think that's where it gets started from is, or no, it's probably usually the losers that would just want to destroy the table. You need a strong exclamation point on the game of beer pong, destroying the tables as strong as it gets.

Rams GM Les Snead keeps his job because he has great hair and a Hollywood look

Les Snead, the GM for the Rams. I have a theory that he just gets by on his hair. If you've seen his hair, he's got very nice hair... He's got like kind of a Hollywood look. He's got the name... I don't know if he's a good GM anymore. I think he's just getting by with the Les Snead kind of aura that's around him.

Life is too short to have sympathy for any man who has a large penis

The world, life is too short to shed one tear for a guy who's got a big dick. I don't care if it's a homeless guy or an NFL quarterback. If the guy's got a big dick, he doesn't get any of my sympathy.

John Gruden would be a serial killer if football didn't exist

If football did not exist, I think that John Gruden would be a serial killer. I don't see any other outlet that he could possibly have besides football where he can be like this meticulous and this passionate and not end up killing at least like a half dozen people.

Kobe Bryant has given people more false confidence than Adolf Hitler

He's trapped a lot of really weak-minded people into believing that if you go around all the time and act like you're the shit... then you're going to be the best person in whatever field that you've chosen. So he's given a lot of false confidence to people, probably more false confidence to people than Adolf Hitler, I would say.

Friends is the most overrated television show in history

I'll even go out on a limb here and say that friends is the most overrated television show in the history of television.

Scottish Twitter is the funniest part of social media

Scottish Twitter is pretty good because it takes you like three or four reads to figure out what they're saying but it's laugh out loud funny every time.

The hip is the dividing line between an upper and lower body injury in hockey

I would think it would be hip, wouldn't you all? I mean somewhere below the hip since all the hip checking and the broken legs... That [the hip] would be lower.

The phrase 'Black Mamba' should be banned from television because it might be offensive

If people out there are getting offended by it, then, you know, TV should be a safe space. So I say that, yes, you should not be allowed to say Black Mamba on television anymore.

Hockey would be much more popular if goals were worth eight points like football

The greatest trick that football ever played is making their scores worth six points... If hockey changed to eight-point goals, this guy would be in. Okay, so if we ever develop a sport – Trick number one is make the single goals or points worth like eight times. Make everything worth like eight points. And then you've got yourself a sport.

There is nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs

And there's nothing worse than getting shut out in the NHL playoffs. It's awful. You know what else is bad is overtime hockey when your team is in it. If another person's team is in it, it's great... But when it's your team, you just want to eat a gun.

Home ice advantage does not exist in the NHL playoffs

You know what I don't like about playoff hockey is that there's basically no home ice advantage. It doesn't exist. The ice is the same everywhere you go.

Bill Belichick is a baller for skipping a subpoena to study film

He was subpoenaed during the Aaron Hernandez double murder trial, and he just didn't show up in court... That's Belichick just being a baller... He treated it like he had a late movie to Blockbuster, not a fucking murder trial subpoena.

Tom Coughlin was hired by the Jaguars just to change the clocks and stand over people

Tom Coughlin said that he's going to be in the weight room making sure when guys are there they're working hard... This is what he was hired for. He was hired to change all the clocks and just stand over people and be like you're not working hard.

Internet 'shoe roasts' of team jerseys are ruined because people complain about everything

This is what the internet does. They just release something and then everyone says that's awful... The internet is so cynical all the time... You've got to save good jokes for times when they're worth it... When you start picking out the Detroit Lions gray jerseys, kind of ruins it for everything else.

Coachella is just Burning Man for millennial social media kids

Coachella... It's gotten overrun, like completely blown out by mainstream people. It's burning man for millennial social media kids... where all the teens wear stupid sunglasses and feathers in their hair.

Buffalo Wild Wings is a moth to a flame that draws you in during airport delays

Flight got delayed for like two hours, and I was just staring at a Buffalo Wild Wings... My diet lasted about 10 hours because that Buffalo Wild Wings drew me in like a moth to a flame. And I was just like, I'll take five.

Buffalo Wild Wings' wings are finally getting good again

Their wings got bad there for a little while. They're coming back, though. The wings are good. They got bigger wings.

I would much rather see an all-time meltdown than an all-time comeback

I don't know if you agree with me on this one, I would so much rather see an all-time meltdown than an all-time comeback. An all-time meltdown, especially in golf, when it's just you out there... you're just stuck there sucking worse than anyone has ever sucked.

Jordan Spieth is a classier person than Cam Newton because he handled his loss like a professional

Something about Jordan Spieth makes him more likable to me and classier of a person than Cam Newton. ... To be a true professional, you have to be able to face the music. How long do you think postgame press conferences after a loss get compared to Cam Newton?

Jordan Spieth threw his caddy under the bus by referring to his mistakes as 'we'

Spieth did kind of throw his caddy under the bus in his post-game press conference. ... So he kept saying we, which is kind of weird, right? Because you're a golfer, and you're the guy out there hitting the shots. He's like, we had a tough time on 12. We made some bad shots.

Augusta National is where high fives go to die.

It’s where high fives go to die, I would say, because you have the highest concentrated group of white dorky guys... that's your go-to move at a game. You go for the high five. ... at Augusta, people are just throwing out high fives left and right. ... [a guy] went high five, missed it, and just gave the thumbs up. And that was just like the whitest experience that's ever happened.

Football is the best game that has ever been invented.

[Bruce Arians] said... Talking about football. 'It's the best game that's ever been fucking invented.' ... That's definitely a fire flame stake. That's one of the strongest statements I've heard, and I can't say I disagree with him.

The 1996 Bulls would beat the 2016 Warriors because modern NBA rules don't allow defense

I got to take the bulls because when the bulls played, I don't know if you know this or not, but nowadays you're not allowed to play defense in the NBA. I've heard a lot of people say that recently and they've said it so much that I'm starting to agree with it.

Donald Trump's border wall would beat the 2016 Golden State Warriors because it is salary cap friendly.

The thing I like about Trump's wall is that it's very salary cap friendly since somebody else [Mexico] is paying for it. So Trump's wall would have enough room left over to sign [Kevin] Durant this offseason. ... you could get a lot of good role players and surround like a lot of glue guys in addition to Durant with Trump's wall and still be under the cap. So I'm going to go with Trump.

The 2016 Warriors would lose a land war in Russia

I got to take Russia, man. ... That's where empires go to die, baby. You cannot take West Russia in the winter. Napoleon knows it. Hitler knows it. ... So Russia's undefeated. I'm taking them.

Tyler Summit is the Jackie Robinson of coaches getting their own players pregnant.

The Jackie Robinson of getting a player that you coach pregnant. ... Say what you want about about women's basketball. But I think this is the first time that a head coach has ever gotten one of their players pregnant. ... I don't really know where I'm going with that, except I can tell you that it's never, ever happened in the history of men's basketball. So kind of groundbreaking by him.

If a coach gets their own player pregnant, they have to marry them.

If I were to tell [Tyler Summit] how to handle this, this kind of no brainer. You got to marry the player, right? ... I think it's probably in bounds as long as you're getting married. If you have an intention to get married, then like, yeah, if you're 25 and the girl is above the age of 20, then I say go for it.

Rick Reilly does not understand how the internet works

I don't think anyone has understood the internet less than Rick Reilly. He said, Willett's hug of his caddy on the couch in the butler cabin has got to be a vine, doesn't it? So I don't even know if Rick really understands what a vine is. I think he thinks a vine is a meme.

Pimento cheese sandwiches taste like microwaved Dunkaroos

You could get the same effect from microwaved Dunkaroos for 30 minutes in your microwave and then making a ball out of it. That's what the pimento cheese sandwich tastes like.

Golf is not a major sport

I don't care if someone shoots the wrong club or if I said the wrong terminology with golf. Golf is not a major sport. It's not one of the four major sports for a reason. If it were a major sport, everyone would watch it.

Golf guys are the biggest suckers in the world when it comes to buying equipment

Golf guys also are the biggest suckers in the world when it comes to equipment. You can never have enough golf equipment if you're a golf guy. You're buying the latest hybrid club, the cleats that are different than the old cleats you had, gloves that are anti-shock resistance. You're wrapping your clubs in different things.

Dada 5000 is a martyr because he died fighting for what he believed in

I love him. He's a martyr. I love him. He's a martyr. He died fighting for what he believed in.

Beating death in the ring is the same as beating Jesus

You mean to tell me the nigga lost the Kimbo Slice but beat Jesus? ... If you beat death, that's beating Jesus. Like, Jesus died for our sins, right? So, technically, anybody else that dies, it's because Jesus died, too. So, like, I say that puts you right above Jesus.

Mickey Ward would beat Butterbean in a prime-versus-prime fight

In their prime? I'm going to have to go with Mickey Ward. ... Mitchell Rose knocked Butterbean's ass out. Mitchell Rose got more losses than you got fingers and toes. His only win was when he knocked out Butterbean... I done changed diapers tougher than Butterbean.

Trump would be a great shot in a duel because he is good at everything

Don't say that about Trump. Trump is good at everything. And he has experience. He went to military school. ... Trump would be a good shot because he's good at everything.

Liking bikini photos on Instagram proves Jim Harbaugh isn't a sociopath

The fact that he's going on Instagram and liking pictures of chicks in bikinis, that means maybe there's some hope for Harbaugh after all. ... Maybe he is human.

Jay Wright looks like a mafia guy who would break Rick Pitino's legs

Jay Wright in the first place, he looks like a mafia guy. Now, I don't have any proof, but he looks like the mafia guy that they send to break Rick Pitino's legs.

Power ranking of sports figures: 1. Football Guy, 2. Hockey Lifer, 3. Baseball Man, 4. Basketball Mind

Football guy number one. We got to go hockey lifer number two because that guy's seen some shit. You have to cross the border 20 times a year. He knows all the smuggling tricks. Hockey lifer's number two. Baseball man, number three. And then basketball mind, number four in my book.

Rage Against the Machine's debut self-titled album is their best

I would go, to be honest, their first album might be the best, to be honest. You don't skip a song on that album. You don't. Yeah, absolutely true. You can just throw it on. It's a perfect workout music.

Kobe Bryant had the best left-handed shot in the NBA

Kobe's like, I'm the best left-handed, the best left-handed... Do you remember when he broke his finger? Okay, so he breaks his finger in the game, doesn't check out. His line that night was like 18 and something with just one hand. He literally played with one hand... He looks over and goes, Amo, like what? He goes, I told you I had the best fucking left hand in the league.

Kobe Bryant was a self-made player who maximized his game through meticulous practice

The thing with Kobe too, is he really does work on his game. I always tell people he's a self-made player and people always kind of leave that out. He's obviously athletic, but that guy used to work on pivoting, passing, just weird stuff. He put in the time and obviously reaped the benefits from it.

Adam Schefter is feeling the heat from Jay Glazer and Ian Rapoport in the insider market

Schefter needs PR 101 because Schefter went on the Dan Patrick show and he started defending Greg Hardy. We call that the Jay Glazer effect. Jay Glazer's doing sit-downs with everyone. Schefter's feeling a little heat there. No one watches the NFL insider market more than I do. Schefter's feeling a little heat.

JJ Watt still manually buys and alphabetizes music on iTunes

JJ Watt would be a guy who buys music still in 2016. Right. He spends $9.99 for every album and he's got like a very careful, everything's in like perfect order on his iTunes alphabetized. He's got the album artwork set up and everything.

It only counts as Opening Day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day

I only count it as opening day if you can skip work and get drunk during the day and watch baseball. Otherwise, like a Sunday night, I could do that any other week of the year.

Opening Day should always be on a Monday so everyone can skip work and get drunk together.

You have to have opening day be like a Monday. Everyone can skip work, get drunk. There's a lot of games together. Shout out to Johnny Bench. He was absolutely right. I hate what they've done [with Sunday night games].

Fireball is an acceptable ballpark drink until September 1st

I like to do airplane minis, like the mini bottles of Fireball... It's kind of like you don't wear white after Labor Day. You don't want to be drinking Fireball after like September 1st. After September 1st, you want to lose the flavored whiskey and get like some Jack Daniels or something because it's about a playoff push. So you got to focus. None of this sugary crap.

Old milk is at its best in coffee once it has been turning for two days and is right on the line of being drinkable.

I like to use old milk in my coffee because it's got a little extra kick to it. No, it's a fine line between being like rancid and being drinkable. And so like when it first starts to turn those first two days, that's when it's best in coffee.

Losing a heartbreaker is better than getting blown out because women will console you

I would much rather be on a team that loses by like one point on a half court buzzer beater, because after the game's over, you're a little upset, you're sad, but guess what? There are going to be some chicks around. They're going to want to console you... If you get blown out, like you're even your wife at that point is going to pretend that she doesn't know who you are.

The rims at the Final Four were so soft I could have shot 50% on them.

I could have shot like 50% on those rims. Those rims, there was a few shots that were laughably like they would, the ball would just kind of like bounce around and just stay on the rim and then go in. It would hit like five pieces of the rim and then just fall in.