Takes

We need less regular season and more playoffs in all sports

Do you know what we need less of? Is the regular season? We need more playoffs in all things. Playoffs aren't the best... Every league is expanding. And I get the argument like, you know, the making the playoffs means less, you're gonna have bad teams, but then when you start the playoffs, there's just more playoffs. And that fucking rules.

Big Ben is poorly suited to play for the 49ers compared to every other quarterback

I think that you could name a quarterback in the NFL right now and they're probably better suited for the 49ers than Big Ben. Yes. Doesn't matter who you are. Right. No, that doesn't mean I wouldn't watch it. No. If he played I'd watch every second.

Sam Bankman-Fried was exposed as the biggest dork alive after his arrest

It's the fact that like to the regular world, I count myself in that where I'm not really into crypto. He just got exposed as being the biggest dork alive. Like I saw a picture of him and I heard his voice and I was like, this guy's a fucking dork.

Cristiano Ronaldo is the GOAT

Ronaldo, my goat got benched. People don't like Ronaldo. I don't understand. ... Ronaldo's the goat, Messi's great but Ronaldo greater.

The Office would be canceled by today's standards

Mindy Kaling I guess was interviewed and she was like, yeah, the office would've been like, if they had the office today, it would've been canceled. ... if the office today was made today and it was canceled, like then comedy just truly is dead.

The Rock is becoming too unlikable because he's too manufactured

At this point I regret to inform you that I think I'm out on the Rock... he seems like he's turned his entire life into a living breathing Upworthy headline... you've entered the weird online celebrity like John Legend, Chrissy Teigen era of I have to root a little bit against you now. You're too likable.

Zach Wilson and Patrick Mahomes would have a competitive game of PIG/HORSE

On that take, I will say if you took Zach Wilson and Patrick Mahomes and made them compete in a horse or pig like game where they had to complete certain throws probably not covered. They'd probably have a competitive game.

The Marcus Jordan and Larsa Pippen relationship is MJ's final revenge on Scottie Pippen

I just imagined MJ being like, did you hear all that shit about Scottie saying that LeBron's better than me? Go hit up Larsa. Yeah, let's, let's start this relationship Dogs. That's tough.

Anything done during the pandemic should be forgiven (Pandemic Amnesty)

My cool throne is pandemic amnesty. Turns out anything you do during the pandemic, we're all gonna forget about and forgive each other. I think anything should be forgiven. Like anything. No, but whatever it was, forgive me for it.

Jim Nantz's plan to retire from calling games but still do the trophy presentation is bullshit

I think this is kind of horse shit what he's doing. I think you have to either get out the Final four or all the way. Yeah. Or you're in it all the way. Yeah. You can't just say, I'm not gonna announce the game, but then kick it to me for the trophy presentation and that's kind of bullshit.

Russell Westbrook's shot selection is only getting worse because of the criticism

You know, that old drill tweet like keeps screaming at me. It only makes my opinions worse. Yeah. That's what's happening with Russell Westbrooks jump shot. Yeah. Everyone's telling you, everyone's booing you and trying to get you to stop shooting... it's actually just making Westbrook shoot the ball more often.

Aaron Rodgers is blaming his teammates for the Packers' struggles

Guys who are making too many mistakes shouldn't be playing. Gotta start cutting some reps. So it's not his fault, it's his teammate's fault.

Draymond Green glorified assaulting his teammate in his TNT mini-doc

He managed to turn him almost killing one of his teammates in a disgusting move... and then has a show on TNT where he like made it, he like glorified it. Basically he glorified himself assaulting his teammate and looking so like immature, childish and just bad.

The rats run New York City, not the humans

I think the rats run the city. If you have to say that [the rats don't run the city], I think the rats run the city.

Ben Simmons should stop shooting because every miss becomes a viral mockery

I now am starting to understand why Ben Simmons just doesn't shoot because he, he can't shoot. And every time he does shoot it becomes a viral moment... why would I shoot when I know that it's not gonna go in and people are gonna roast [me]?

Losing a preseason game to an NBL team is bad for Chris Paul's legacy

The sun's lost their first games. Good for us. They lost an NBL team, an Australian league team... How did Chris Paul do though legacy wise? [Hank:] I mean, that's bad for your legacy. [Big Cat:] I'm gonna count that as another 3-1 lead blown.

War should be replaced by a 'Space Olympics' where countries compete to blow up asteroids for mining rights

We drop so many bombs on Earth every day. Why don't we just throw all those bombs and blow something up and develop a point system and compete. Make it like a Space Olympics. And we like compete with like other countries and space programs. And the winner gets like, I don't know, mining rights to certain natural resources.

Dude Perfect's $100 million facility is the official tipping point of the American empire's decline

Dude Perfect is building a hundred million dude facility in somewhere in Texas... I think we're gonna look back on this in the history books... as signs of American decline. Why did this Empire Fall? No, it was [Dude Perfect] building a giant monument to themselves in central Texas to the tune of 150 million. That is the tipping point of our society as a whole.

Being a field goal holder is an easy job that even freshmen can do

I've been a holder. Really? Yeah. When I was like third string quarterback. It's an easy job. If you're a decent, if you're like can catch like they put like freshman as holders.

Magnus Carlsen is a 'baby back bitch' for quitting the chess tournament

And then they, they, they finally have another matchup yesterday and Magnus quits after one move. He retires. And he disconnects his entire computer. I might not be this goat thing might not be working out. He might, he might be baby back bitch.

The Beyond Meat COO bit a man's nose because he craved real animal protein

My hot seat is beyond meat. The COO. Yes. Of beyond meat after the Arkansas, Missouri game bit a guy's nose in a parking lot. And that's just a class example of a guy craving real animal protein.

Texas A&M is a cult

Texas a and M is a cult. Yeah. I, I say this as somebody that knows a lot of Aggies. I lived in Texas for about 10 years. They're cult. A lot of 'em are nice people, but nice people who are in a cult. What was the thing the guy was doing where he, like, he would do that every time? That's that's the horse laugh. Oh my God. They've got entire, they have an entire like catalog and encyclopedia of different hand motions and body motions that these yell leaders have to make at certain points. They're just, they're just cults.

Dabo Swinney would be a serial killer or a Scientology leader if not for football

If it weren't for football, like Dabo Swinney would be a serial killer. Like he's, he's unhinged. He's an unhinged human being. He's not a well-adjusted human being... He probably would take over for David Miscavige and just be the next fucking Scientology guy.

Brian Kelly already regrets moving to LSU

You can see the look in his eye. He's already thinking to himself, like I fucked up, I made the wrong decision. I don't know what I'm doing down here.

Bill Clinton definitely hooked up with Dr. Ruth at the US Open

Bill Clinton was at the US Open too. And he was best term for it—he was noodling with Dr. Ruth. They were getting very close... bill Clinton was getting real horny with Dr. Ruth. And I think he fucked her. I'm going to say he fucked her.

Albert Pujols' late-career home run surge is suspicious and 'not normal'

Albert Pujols, 42 years old. July 4th he was hitting .189. And since then he leads the league in batting average and has like 11 homers. That's totally normal... Why does Sam Querrey not do fucking drugs before he retires? He should have done some fucking Winstrol.

Stephen A. Smith would win the Presidency if he ran

Stephen A. Smith said that he would run for president... I'll tell you this right now. Stephen A. Smith, you would win. Yes, you would win. Who would debate against Stephen A. Smith? He would literally go to Texas and mock the Cowboys and be like, I don't give a fuck about your votes and still win.

MLB should cover up steroid use for players who are great for the game

David Ortiz was like, they, they just shouldn't suspend him because he's so good at baseball. And he is a face of the game... That's actually that's that makes more sense than what his own dad is doing. David Ortiz is right. It's like, if you're awesome at baseball, they should just cover it up.

Climbing Mount Everest is now effectively 'glamping'

Everest is also kind of glamping nowadays. No, I mean, but that actually makes it worse for him because Everest is not even cool anymore. Everyone climbs Everest. I remember when Everest was like, oh, don't climb Everest. You'll fucking die. Now everyone fucking climbs Everest. There's like huge lines. Yep.

The NHL beat writer who celebrated with the Stanley Cup should be fired for a lack of integrity

There was a Colorado Avalanche beat writer that picked up the Stanley Cup and celebrated with the team and called it one of the best nights of his life. And frankly he should be executed. Yeah. Send him to the LIV tour. They should chop his head off. That's not what journalism is supposed to be in America. It's supposed to be fearless truth tellers, impartial scribes.

Neon is officially back this summer

I feel like this summer neon is back. The eighties are coming back. Like for real, it's going to be crazy... I do think that this is the summer where everyone's like, man, finally COVID is over. We're going to do neon now. And look, it's been enough time where you can look at us. Neon looks good if you have a tan, it just does.

Little Caesars pizza is trash and barely counts as pizza

Little Caesars is trash. It is trash. People forget... Caesars are just trash. It's like not pizza.

The new iMessage 'undo send' feature will empower gaslighters

The iMessage app in iOS 16 is getting a new undo send feature as well as the ability to edit chats. You've already sent in. Mark threads is unread. So rip to all the young people out there who are going to be getting gaslighted or say, like, I never said that.

Dipping Oreos in water is better than dipping them in milk

I brought forward to the world, the art of dipping your Oreos and water, essentially washing them taste delicious, better than milk.

The best career move for a backup QB is to have one great game and then immediately get injured

When you're a backup quarterback in the NFL, the best thing you can do is have an awesome game and then immediately get injured and secure your like status as an NFL quarterback for 10 years.

The iPod is the greatest Apple product ever invented

I was talking shit about Apple products last week. This is probably the greatest Apple product ever invented, but they announced today that they're discontinuing the iPod.

Andrew Luck was never an elite quarterback because he ordered chicken at a steakhouse

Andrew Luck because I think you guys told me this, that when you went to the steakhouse St. Elmo's Steakhouse in Indianapolis, he doesn't eat steak, eats chicken. Correct. And that's how you knew he was not going to be an elite quarterback.

Getting hit in the nuts is worse than childbirth

Women don't realize that childbirth is not that hard when you've gotten hit in the nuts. Your balls feel like they're going to explode and your stomach feels like it's going to cave inside of itself. It's like having all of your periods at once.

Chicken salad is disgusting

Chicken salad is disgusting... That's just mayonnaise... That may be an unpopular opinion. That may be my calamari.

LeBron James is a coach killer who has gotten six coaches fired

LeBron has been freed of another coach... LeBron has gotten six coaches fired in his career... I don't know why we don't talk about LeBron James as a coach killer more because Frank Vogel got overall raw deal.

Robot umpires will ruin the fun of complaining about baseball

That's been my take for a very long time. That robot ops will ruin everything because then we won't get to have guys like Joe West that we can complain about, right?

Every pro athlete should be allowed to beat up one fan per year

If we just had my rule of every single player in every sport gets to pick out one fan a year and peat every living shit out of him, sports would be more fun.

Urban Meyer's health issues during coaching stints are an ego-driven defense mechanism

I really think that the worst punishment that they could have had for him is not firing them, but just making him continue to coach and lose on the Jaguars... those the the mental issues and like the the fake sicknesses that he would have... his entire ego is built around him being successful and beating people that when there's even just like a small crack in that foundation of him starting to think, maybe you're not as big a winner... he just crumbles.

Zion Williamson is a better player when he is fat

I'm going to say something controversial. I think that Zion Williamson is a better player when he's fat. I want him to get fat. Well, in fact, well he D he doesn't play right now. He's a better players to get fatter. Yeah. He just needs to get so fat that they roll them out there.

Derek Jeter sabotaged the Marlins on purpose

I, you know what I agree with Marlins man. Yeah. I think Jeter fucked up the Marlins on purpose.

I want to invent soundproof 'fart pants' for airplanes

My idea was to get fart pants, to invent fart pants. And it would just consist of pants that were soundproof. So you could wear them... when I fart on an airplane, it's never smelly. It doesn't stink. It's just air. And it's just super loud.

Restaurants should offer oversized sweatshirts for customers who want to keep eating

A restaurant should offer an oversized sweatshirt or even a blanket so that you can keep eating through that... somewhere between like appetizers maybe right after appetite is like, sir, are you, are you planning on eating past full well, yeah, always. Can we offer you this three XL sweatshirt?

Kyler Murray leads the league in nonsense

All of this nonsense is not what I'm about. Never has been, never will be... All that says it, all, all of this nonsense that I, that I directly caused is I'm not. And you can make the case that this is just more nonsense, correct? I think Kyler Murray leads the league in nonsense.

Defense no longer wins championships in the modern NFL

I did, did you guys see that, that one tweet where someone was like, this must be what it feels like for kids to find out Santa Claus isn't real. And it was a text someone shared from their dad saying defense no longer wins championships.

SEC stadiums are louder than NFL stadiums

Joe Burrow, mid controversial statement of saying SEC stadiums louder than NFL stadium... which was now brought up by an NFL veteran who thought that it was quite good.