Takes

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom is a fantastic movie

The new one [Jurassic World] is fucking great... It's fantastic. I'm not in it... I'm hoping that they put me in the third one.

Pam Beesly is the worst character on The Office

Very telling that no one has taken Pam [in the draft]... Yeah, Pam's the worst. Pam's the worst.

Partnering with someone who cheats on their wife is a bad business move

Somebody said to me, man, don't be partners with somebody who would cheat like that because he'll screw you in a heartbeat... I went into business with the guy... he ripped me off over 500 grand.

People with the biggest egos usually have the thinnest wallets

Ever notice that people with the biggest ego have the thinnest fucking wallet? Because he doesn't listen to anybody. His ego gets in the way, they're typically not very successful.

Stephen A. Smith's receding hairline makes him a better journalist

Stephen A., his hair has been receding into that cul-de-sac that he has for the last five years. It becomes like a satellite dish of hair. So he's able to hear these whispers at a pace that you or I can't, that mere mortals can't.

FIFA should use 'retroactive penalty kicks' to settle group stage ties

Anytime a tie happens in group stage, they should just do a PK that they can save for later. It's like, this doesn't count now, but if you guys end up tying everything else, it then counts.

Sitting on a winning bet ticket is one of the best feelings in the world

My number four will be when you're sitting on a winning bet ticket. So like when you bet the Capitals and win the Stanley Cup and you know that it's our year and you're just like, I have $1,500 free money.

Modern NBA GMs prefer gambling on high-upside rookies over reliable role players

GMs nowadays are looking for, like, the next greatest thing. They'll try like an 18-year-old, see if it works. If it doesn't, they'll try another. They're not going to stick with the solid guy because that's not going to help them get eventually a steal in the second round.

Joey Crawford is the best official in NBA history

Joey Crawford's the best official in the history of the game... I think that he controls the game better than anybody... In the second half, you rarely hear about him.

Danny Ainge's goal is to beat LeBron James, not sign him

I think Danny Ainge's whole life has been about beating LeBron... Since he got to Boston, LeBron has, you know, pseudo been in the league. How do you overtake this guy?... But he doesn't want LeBron to join. He wants to beat him.

Kevin Durant's move to the Warriors made the NBA better by raising the standard

I think [Kevin Durant] made the NBA better because he sets a standard for what a championship team would be like... The new championship level is what we're seeing with the Warriors.

Rookies should invest all their money into their bodies and skills rather than the market

My advice to them would be invest as much money into yourself, your body, your food. Focus on becoming a better player because there's nothing in the world that's going to be a better return on your investment than making yourself a better player. That second contract... you're worth $100 million.

Messi is the GOAT

[Speaker 0] (3:25-3:27) And Messi is the GOAT.

Playing a road game in the SEC is harder than playing a road game in the NFL

[Speaker 2] (34:31-34:32) Oh, I don't know. [Speaker 2] (34:32-34:33) Probably playing a road game in the SEC. [Speaker 2] (34:33-34:38) SEC is just a little bit louder, more passionate fans.

Auburn has one of the best night game atmospheres in the SEC

[Speaker 2] (35:01-35:07) But I'll tell you, Auburn has something about it that was just always a fun atmosphere, a great atmosphere. [Speaker 2] (35:07-35:12) The fans are eye-level with you, and that can be an incredible game at night as well.

Soccer players are frauds and the sport isn't that difficult to play

Soccer players are frauds. I don't think that it's that difficult to play soccer.

Cracker Jacks are the coleslaw of candy

Cracker Jacks are the coleslaw of candy. They're good for like a handful. Yeah, and nobody really likes it. It's more about the visual of walking around with a thing of Cracker Jacks.

Carmelo Anthony has staying power because he has the coolest basketball name ever

Have you guys heard the theory why he [Carmelo Anthony] has so much staying power? It's just because he has the coolest basketball name of all time. Like if his name was like John Brown, he would have been benched years ago.

Michael Jordan is the GOAT, followed closely by Kobe Bryant

I still have to give it to MJ. With a close Kobe second. It's hard for me playing the game right now to give a guy [LeBron James] that crown because I'm still in the game. And he's still in the game, too. I cannot do that.

Super teams threaten to water down the NBA

The only thing I just hope that doesn't happen is the league becomes watered down because so many teams are trying to create a super team to where you have 10 teams of the 30 having all the best players. And then what does that do with the rest of the league? Everyone else is tanking. That just hurts the NBA at the end of the day.

Baseball should remove the catcher position for the first two strikes with no one on base

My idea was to just remove the catcher and put the catcher in the infield or the outfield against a batter when there's nobody on base for the first two strikes. Yeah, the umpire gets hit a few times with some fastballs or whatever, but you don't need a catcher. Like who cares if the game's delayed a little bit?

Philip Rivers is a better quarterback than Eli Manning

Philip Rivers, better quarterback than Eli Manning. Much better. Better career. More viral. I know the two Super Bowls... statisticaly, better quarterback.

Donovan Mitchell and Dante DiVincenzo are the grittiest backcourt in history

I'm also psyched about the grittiest backcourt, perhaps, in NBA history with Dante DiVincenzo and Matthew Dellavedova. Ooh. Try driving to the hole and not drawing a charge with those two on the court.

Colangelo's burner accounts are the weirdest NBA storyline of the season

I still got to go with a general manager in the NBA getting fired for someone in his family, possibly him, burner tweeting his own players. Collar gate.

LeBron James playing all 82 games at age 33 is highly suspicious

LeBron James, 33 years old, 15 years in the league, played all 82 games. Seems like his durability's going up at 33. Most athletes, their durability goes down. [Implying HGH use].

I love the USGA for making courses so hard that millionaire athletes complain

I hope they [USGA] make every single course from now until the end of time the hardest course in the world, just so we can hear millionaire athletes say, this game has gotten too hard for us.

LeBron James has the prototypical NBA body, not a super jacked one

LeBron's a big, strong guy, but he's not like... I feel like people think he's just jacked from head to toe, and I feel like he's got big shoulders. He's got the prototypical NBA body, like a smaller chest, skinny waist, and big arms.

I'm rooting for the course to beat the players at the U.S. Open

I actually love the course so much, I found myself chanting today in my head, go course, go. Go course, go. Because, like, the course – I mean, Bryson DeChambeau said it was clown golf. That's when you know a course has you, like, beat.

Messi is the greatest footballer ever, better than Cristiano Ronaldo

I am always Team Messi. Always. Messi is the greatest footballer I have ever seen in my life for so many different reasons.

Stephen A. Smith's claim of being a 'bottom feeder' is problematic for not respecting the whole woman

Stephen A. Smith, problematic is the fact that you don't respect women because you should be boobs, butt, and brain. Three Bs. That's the original Big Baller brand. Why are you putting, a woman's body should be put on a pedestal?

A winning pitcher hugging a batter after a strikeout is a disgusting display of pity

This is disgusting. I would put one in that pitcher's ear hole next time he got up... That's a more disgusting move than pimping a home run. That's showing up your opponent more. Go up to him and be like, 'Hey, I'm going to give you a big hug because you can't handle this big loss.'

People who think Michael Jordan is better than LeBron James have a real basketball mind

people that love Jordan, it makes it obvious that you're just into the memes and that sort of thing. And those are the people that side with LeBron. That's how I know who actually has a basketball mind. Oh, you're going to do that? Like LeBron. Yeah, if you think Jordan's better, that's cool. Listen, you're going to like Jordan. It just tells me where you're at intellectually on a basketball level.

If Kevin Durant and LeBron James switched teams, the Warriors would still sweep the Finals

I think the Warriors win the title and sweep in the finals.

If the Blazers had drafted Kevin Durant over Greg Oden, they still wouldn't have won any titles and KD would have left anyway

if they take KD [in Portland]... then they don't win any titles, and then he leaves. How is KD's situation in Portland any different than what it was in OKC? It wasn't. He still wouldn't have won any titles. He would have left. That's my two cents on that.

There is no one in the world who can beat me in a combined competition of every single sport

It also helps my longstanding theory that there is no one in the world who can beat me in every single sport. I'm talking every single sport, like darts, skiing... [Justify] can't beat me in basketball... I'll cross him up.

The US Men's National Team would have had a strong showing in the World Cup if they had qualified

I believe that we would have had a strong showing in the World Cup had we qualified for it and not lost to Trinidad and Tobago, based on the results of this friendly [against France].

No one in sports has it better than Steph Curry right now

It's actually a perfect, no one has it better in sports than Steph Curry right now. [He invites superstars to his team], Philly will love Joel Embiid more than they will love LeBron. And LeBron will take all the heat if things go south.

Kobe Bryant is not the GOAT and he thinks he's too smart

I'm a big Lakers fan, but I don't think Kobe's the GOAT. Kobe bugs the shit out of him. He thinks he's so smart. That's what really bugs me, is he thinks he's really smart.

A cup becomes a bowl once it is wider than it is long

I think it's when it's wider than it is long. When it becomes a chode. When it's a chode, it's a bowl.

If Alex Ovechkin wins the Stanley Cup, he might be the GOAT

If [Ovechkin] gets the Stanley Cup, which would be his third Stanley Cup in this playoffs, you've got to say, is he the GOAT? He might be. GOAT Vetchkin? It's either him or Gretzky.

The NFL has a 'charity problem'

I'm going to go as far to say, does the NFL have a charity problem? Might be. Might be. Let's look into that.

Darren Rovell officially killed 69 jokes

Ravel has caught on... He did it on the Browns to win the Super Bowl, $6.90. And get this, the ticket writer laughed no less than three times... This is like when your parents figure out how to text emojis and bitmojis and stuff. It just kind of all loses its luster.

Miss America is no longer a beauty pageant if it removes the bikini portion

It's also ridiculous that a beauty pageant is no longer being judged on beauty. That's where we're at.

Selling songs to commercials is a valid way to support a family and not 'selling out'

I've always viewed music with the eye of like... laughing and kind of throwing up like, kind of like that, that whole thing that exists in the urban world. That's kind of like, yeah, yeah, I'm in this commercial and it's dope and it's taking care of my family... I've just never understood the mentality... of like, hey, it's sellouty to make money and I'd rather be like a cool hipster that is not making money for my family.

Draymond Green should get credit for the dress shorts look, not LeBron

Shorts are definitely back. But [LeBron] got co-opted by Draymond Green. Green showed up in some dress shorts, too. I think that's the new look. It's like ACDC chic. Draymond said that he should be getting credit for shorts, not LeBron.

Jon Taffer is a curse on everyone

Well, there's definitely a Taffer curse. Yeah, Taffer's definitely a curse. It's a curse on everyone.

You can't fire an FBI agent for breakdancing

You can't fire someone for feeling a dance circle. If you've ever been at a wedding, any kind of party, there's nothing more awkward than a dance circle where no one goes in. So this guy had to go in. He did an unbelievable move.

Radar guns should be removed from baseball so pitchers actually pitch instead of just throwing hard

I would take the radar gun out. Pitchers watch. I talked to Jacob deGrom, and he said he looks up there, and if he's at 94, he wants to get to 95. You know they're watching and I think just take them off the board... Just so the pitchers would pitch instead of throw. Nothing better than a pitcher that knows how to go out and watch a guy throw a beautiful game.

Steroid users who were caught should not be in the Hall of Fame

He's tainted. You're right. You shouldn't get in the Hall of Fame. Yes, I do [believe that]. If you're caught.

John Stockton was the hardest player I ever had to guard

He reminds me of when I played against John Stockton and I tried to do the same thing [trash talk] and John Stockton always overlooked me. And that was a big problem for me because he never paid attention. ... Him and Karl Malone was going through the pick and rolls. That's tiring for a guy to do that all night long and try to continue to guard him.