Takes

The 1996 Sonics were just as good as the 72-win Bulls

I don't think they [1996 Bulls] were the best team of all time. We was pretty damn good our goddamn self. ... I mean, we had won, what, they won 72, we won 64? ... I think that Sonics team, we won zero plus five years in a row yeah five years in a row.

Dikembe Mutombo has the worst feet in NBA history

You know, I used to watch his [Shaq's] feet a lot. ... have you seen the Dikembe Mutombo feet? That's the worst.

Chris Paul not playing Game 7 with a hamstring injury is weak compared to hockey players

So my hammy hurts so bad you can't go out and jump up two inches off the ground and take a jump shot because you're hammy? Are you kidding me? You can't get a shot? Like hockey players, you know how many shots? There's probably, I bet you 18 or 20 guys got a needle somewhere in their body last night just to go out and try to battle for the cup... It's a long way from the heart.

There should be a reality show called 'The Amazing Racist' for people fired for racism

Everyone that gets fired for being racist should go on a reality show together. They should make a reality show called Racism Island... The Amazing Racist... The winner is the first person to get fired for being too racist from the show that you go to for being fired because you're racist.

I use Grindr to find guys with good haircuts to ask where they get groomed

I signed up for a Grindr account on my phone and then I found the guys that I thought had the best looking haircuts and I messaged them to ask them all where they got their haircuts... It's foolproof.

Chris Paul's shimmy was disrespectful to the game of basketball

When I say it was disrespectful, it wasn't disrespectful to Steph Curry. It was disrespectful to the game of basketball that he did it because they're friends. And so he did it like as a playful thing. I don't like that. I don't like playful jousting. You've got to hate the other men.

Baker Mayfield already 'Gets It' because he won't draw a stripe on his helmet

Baker draws the Browns helmet... why don't you have the stripe on there? And he goes, well, it's because I haven't earned my stripe yet. Because that's what the browns are doing with their helmets this year... Baker gets it. Baker gets it.

Grit is defined by being relentless and having maniacal work habits

For me it's it's very simple and we talk to our players about all time it's about being relentless. We talk about intensity. We talk about maniacal work habits and going about it, determination, teamwork, all those things, toughness, hardness about ourselves. Those are the things that we describe grit to.

You can hear grit on a football field without seeing it

I think a lot of it for me is really what I hear, meaning when the practice starts and the pads are on, I can hear grit without actually having to see it. And sometimes during the nine-on-seven drills... I'll just kind of close my eyes and listen, you know and say okay was that a good play for grit? Was that a good toughness play?

I have eaten more bologna than anyone else in the world

I really believe that, at least at my age. I can say that for sure. No one can beat me in the bologna [eating competition].

Bologna is the ultimate comfort food and survival food

Whenever I want to feel good, I eat bologna. If someone said, what's the one food you're bringing in that bunker? Simple: Bologna. Because it can turn into so many other meals... I fry it... Once I fry it, I kill all that bacteria and I still got a great meal.

The Golden State Warriors are now Klay Thompson's team

It's Klay's team now. It has to be his team.

If Brad Stevens loses the series to the Cavs, it is one of the all-time choke jobs

I mean, if [Brad Stevens] loses the series, you've got to chalk that up as one of the all-time choke jobs, right, Hank?

I am way better looking than Ed Sheeran

I'm way better looking than Ed Sheeran. A million percent... The dude can't even pee next to me.

You should never hand someone your phone to show them a picture

You have to be an absolute psycho to hand someone else your phone. You've got to do the holding your phone and scrolling for them. You never give anyone anyone your phone.

James Harden looks like he is on designer drugs every playoffs

I don't understand how this is supposed to be different, and then [James Harden] goes to another playoffs and looks like he's taking some weird designer drug the entire playoffs... he looks like he's playing in quicksand.

The Cavaliers and Warriors series features the weirdest bodies in peak sports

If you had [the Warriors and Rockets] all take off their shirts you'd be like i don't know are these guys peak athletes... Eric Gordon has a full on gut and it, he has like the under armpit fat... Kevin Durant's got that body where you can't even press 135 pounds.

Brad Stevens and Danny Ainge are better than LeBron at coaching and management

Brad Stevens is so much better of a coach than LeBron. But at the end of the day, LeBron, like, you don't want to get into Game 7 against LeBron. But Danny Ainge is a better GM than LeBron... Brad Stevens and Danny Ainge are better than LeBron coach and GM.

A Chrissy Teigen and John Legend divorce would melt down Twitter

Chrissy Teigen and John Legend. It would be incredible. It's like sometimes I sit up at night being like, if they got divorced, I think I'd stay up for a week straight on a meth binge just looking at Twitter and getting high off that.

Riley Curry is a fraud for not facing the media after a loss

My problem with Riley [Curry] is she's always the first one to show up after a big win, and she never steps to the podium and faces the music after a loss... Like a fucking coward. Like a fraud. Riley Curry's a fraud.

Sack fumble is the best play in football

You know sack fumble is the best playing football, right?

There is nothing better than the deep touchdown bomb

I want to be physical, but there ain't nothing like the deep pass, man... I like the touchdown pass. I like the bomb. I like it, you know, like the Oakland Raiders go deep.

LeSean McCoy is the best cold-weather running back in the world

You do have the best cold-weather running back in the world on your team. LeSean McCoy, for some reason, when you put him in the snow, he gets better traction.

The CHL Fortnite addiction story is a hoax created by an old-school GM

I'm a little bit woke on this... I'm a little bit woke that some grumpy Canadian GM was like, all these kids are playing their video games all the time, so we're going to make up a scare and make up a player and say that he's not going to make it.

A person can be judged by how they get ketchup out of a Heinz bottle

Basically, [Paul Alexander] decides that a player can be judged by how they get the ketchup out of their Heinz 57 ketchup bottle... 'When I see a large football player turn a bottle of ketchup upside down and pound at its heel with tremendous force yet with limited success, I immediately make the mental note he must either play defensive line or if he plays offensive line, he can't play for me.'

I am a full-blown Manalytics guy now

I have to say, boys, I hate to do it, but I'm going to give a little hat tip to Colin Cowherd. Because I am a full-blown Manalytics guy now. It's all Manalytics in the playoffs.

James Harden needs to get in shape

James Harden, he played his heart out in the first half... when is that guy going to get in shape? Because he was running – he was doing what I do... When I get really gassed and I just pass the ball and then stand as far away from the hoop as possible.

Adam Silver is a narc for reporting email threats to the police

Adam Silver, he turns out he's a narc... Everyone thought that Adam Silver was the cool commissioner. But if he's so cool, how come he called the police on the guy that threatened to murder him? And had him arrested.

Robinson Cano took steroids specifically to heal his broken wrist faster

He broke his wrist like a week ago, and now he has... That was pretty quick of him to do steroids for the recovery. Got to admire the hustle. That's Andy Pettitte-like hustle to the pharmacy.

Every crime drama can be successful with just interviews and aerial drone shots

We need to do a crime drama because essentially all you have to do is interview a couple like FBI or ATF guys and then mix in a shitload of drone shots of where, around where it happened. Like, Making a Murderer, it was just half drone shots. Evil genius, half drone shots.

Big Cat should buy Bitcoin, but PFT Commenter should stay away

Should you buy Bitcoin? I would say for Big Cat, I'd say for sure do it. For PFT, I would say not a good idea for you right now.

Jordan Spieth should take off his hat so people only focus on him being bald rather than his bad golf

Spin Zone or PR 101, [Spieth] can just take off his hat and people be like, oh shit, you're bald. That's the bald guy. So no one will remember that you did the snowman thing.

Grit Week 2018 will be the best one of all time

Grit Week starts this weekend. I don't want to get ahead of ourselves, but it's the best Grit Week of all time. A lot of people are saying it's the most attractive, the best. It's tremendous. It's a tremendous, tremendous great week.

Winning the Stanley Cup in their first year would be bad for the Las Vegas Golden Knights franchise.

There was a takequake on ESPN the other day... they said that Las Vegas winning the championship in their first year would actually be bad for Las Vegas... I agree 100% with that. You can't set the expectations that high.

Swallowing shit in a capsule is much worse than just eating it normally.

That honestly sounds worse than eating shit. You've gone so far to just something that could be over in two seconds, but okay. Are you going to put it in yourself? You have to... putting the shit in the capsule yourself.

The Chicago Bulls would have won the 2012 NBA Championship if Derrick Rose hadn't gotten injured.

If D. Rose doesn't get hurt, I think we break through that year... We had a roster where we could play. I think we were like the number one or two defensive team in the league. We were top five in offense. I mean, we were a very complete team that year. And then, boom, Derrick Rose gets hurt. And it just... It took the air out of the balloon for us, you know what I mean? Because we all thought that was our year to win the whole thing.

Darren Rovell is a 'Debbie Downer' for analyzing athlete business ventures like Marvin Jones Jr.'s cupcake shop.

Darren Rovell from the rafters telling him that the most important part about opening a franchise is to understand that franchisor fees come off gross sales, not net sales... and basically shits all over Marvin Jones Jr.'s dream and tells him that he made a terrible investment... He is Debbie Downer in real life. What a fucking asshole.

Joel Embiid runs out of gas every 4th quarter and should stop talking trash

Joel Embiid, I get it. You're funny. You're good on Twitter. The Rihanna thing. Cool. I actually like your game a lot. I think you're going to be a great player. But, dude, you run out of gas every fourth quarter. You can't talk shit when you can't even speak. Stop talking shit and worry about breathing through your nose.

Michael Jordan is definitively better than LeBron James

I'm exhausted by the debate too, but guess what? I'll still stand here and say MJ's better. I don't care.

Matt Harvey moving to Cincinnati is hilarious because the city lacks New York models

Matt Harvey in Cincinnati is hilarious for a couple reasons... I don't think the models that are walking around New York City are going to be walking around Cincinnati. And if they are, they probably have diarrhea from Skyline.

Tom Brady looked like a 'plastic weird doll' at the Met Gala

My other hot seat is Tom Brady for looking like a plastic weird doll... Take away the clothes. His face looked weird. I definitely don't understand fashion. I don't, but I don't think it was a fashion. Take away the clothes. His face looked weird.

Every woman past the age of 22 adds one pillow to her bed every year

I think it's just every woman who gets past the age of 22 decides that every year they're alive, they need to add one pillow to their bed. And then just eventually they end up with an entire house of pillows. And you're not allowed to sleep on them.

The best drafts in NFL history are built in the 2nd through 4th rounds

I think the key for us are we try to look closely at what are the things that these players that we've hit on have in common... the great drafts in our league history consist of second rounders, third rounders, fourth rounders.

Joe Flacco is an 'elite' quarterback because he won a Super Bowl

I think when you win a Super Bowl at that position, the way he played, you're elite.

Brad Stevens is the best coach in the NBA

I mean, I think [Brad Stevens] is the best coach in the game. He's a mad scientist.

LeBron James intentionally makes his teams worse as a GM so he can stand out more

One thing, we can actually make the argument that LeBron James is at his worst as a GM, but I think that he makes his teams... I think he makes his teams worse on purpose, so that he's the guy that stands out. And it's like, oh, look at these shitty teams.

James Harden is officially on my enemy list

James Harden, he's got to be the most annoying player in the entire world to guard... He's infuriating to watch. You know what? I've turned the corner on James Harden. I used to like him. I don't even like watching him play basketball... I'm putting James Harden on my enemy list. There we go. I have a feud now.

Brad Marchand licking people is one of the funniest things to happen in sports

The biggest story, maybe the funniest sports story of 2018 is Brad Marchand licking people. He can't stop. It's actually a great litmus test for who has a sense of humor because the people who get legitimately upset about that, fuck them. That is one of the funniest, trollest things to do.

Tuukka Rask is good but bad in big moments, which makes him not good

The Tuukka Rask thing to me... if he was good, you wouldn't have to tell people he's good. He's good but bad in big moments. So it's like, is that really good? So that's kind of bad.

Ben Simmons should be eligible for Rookie of the Postseason next year because he didn't show up for this one

Do you think Ben Simmons should be eligible for rookie of the postseason next year because he didn't show up for this one?