Takes

Jay Glazer is the person who leaves skid marks in the Fox NFL Sunday dressing rooms

Every week, someone goes in and does the number two... But it's always Jay [Glazer]. We always know, every 100%, it's always Jay.

Invented 'Baldinger's cat' — a quarterback is both elite and not elite at the same time, with Joe Flacco as the perfect example

I came up with a theory. It's known as Baldinger's cat. It's not Schrodinger, it's Baldinger's cat. It's when a quarterback is both elite and not elite at the same time. Joe Flacco — perfect example. Baldinger's cat.

LeBron James would be the best hockey player ever but would never play due to minor injuries

LeBron would be the best hockey player of all time... [but] he wouldn't play in one because in the preseason he'd probably get like an elbow bruise. Like, you know when you, like, hurt your bursitis in your elbow?

NFL ratings are down primarily because the prime time games have been poor

One reality is the games haven't been very good... You're going to have some crappy primetime games. But even Jaguars-Titans... the problem is, more often than not, the primetime games have been crap.

The NFL should adopt the college football overtime system to eliminate ties

I wouldn't have a problem with them ripping up the current overtime system and just going with the college approach. That works. The games are exciting. And I don't think anyone's ever complained that the college system is not a good system.

Stephen Jones and Jason Garrett make the big decisions in Dallas while letting Jerry Jones be the face of the franchise

When it's time to make big decisions, it's Stephen Jones and Jason Garrett that make the decisions and they otherwise let Jerry think he's running the show.

The Jaguars vs Titans Color Rush game is my favorite game of the year

Titans versus Jaguars. It is my favorite game of the year, and it did not disappoint in terms of the suck that we are accustomed to.

Coach O is a 'wild dandelion spore' with no relation to any coaching tree

I don't think that Coach O is a member of any tree. Coach O is a wild dandelion spore that just grows in the wild on his own. He has no relation to Pete Carroll.

NBA players don't start playing real defense until March

Oh, playing defense? Oof, gosh, what, March? I think when the tournament starts and then everybody's like, wow, they play so hard, that's when we're like, okay, now we've got to step it up.

I don't wash my apples because tap water builds immunity

I can't say that I do [wash apples], no. I subscribe to the thought that if you drink tap water, you're just building up immunity to germs.

Joe Paterno is 'looking up' proud of the Penn State Nittany Lions

Somewhere, somewhere, Joe Paterno is looking up so proud of his former team, the Penn State Nittany Lions.

The Jaguars Color Rush uniforms are ugly as hell

This is what Blake [Bortles] said about his color rush... 'I think they're ugly as hell.'... Just because you're wearing boiled piss colored jerseys doesn't mean that you need to say it out in public.

Joe Thomas bribing journalists with BBQ is a violation of ethics

Mary Kay Cabot... tweeted out yesterday that Joe Thomas bought us lunch today trying for the third Good Guy Award... Joe brought them all barbecue... respect the biz. You can't be accepting free barbecue. This is probably why the Browns have gotten such glowing press.

The take that the NFL 'sucks' right now is becoming too mainstream and annoying

My hot seat: People who say the NFL sucks. I'm done with it. We were kind of early to it... Now it's become a little too mainstream. People saying the Seahawks-Cardinals game sucked. That game was amazing... I still love the NFL. I'm sick of it. I'm back on Roger Goodell's side.

The Cubs celebration for winning the NL pennant was maybe a little too much

I actually do think that the celebration was maybe a little too much, to be honest. I feel like, I mean, it was an unbelievable night, a night I'll never forget, but there definitely was a feeling like this is the greatest moment when still got the World Series to win.

NFL coaches only work out to prevent stress-induced heart attacks, not to get in shape

A very football guy move, they're not working out to get in shape. They're just working out so they don't have a heart attack. It's purely to stop the heart attack. Get through the day. Yes. Stress heart attack. Everyone knows you cure a stress heart attack by going on the elliptical for 45 minutes.

Trevor Bauer's teammates are likely talking behind his back about his drone injury

I think they're more mad than they would lead on. Like they would probably say, Hey man, nothing, no big deal, but then you get the guys behind closed doors that are probably talking a lot of shit about him.

NFL Week 7 of 2016 is an 'Apple Picking Weekend' for fans with significant others

The slate, by the way, is so bad... This is an apple-picking weekend. If you have a significant other, if you have a girlfriend, if you have a boyfriend, it's 2016, if you have a wife, whatever you got... This is when you say, 'hey honey, I was thinking maybe we could go to the farm and get some cider donuts and do some apple picking.' Boom. You missed the worst slate. That's apple picking.

Cleveland and Milwaukee are equal as cities

I mean, they're pretty similar, like smaller cities, easy to get around, no traffic, which I like. Power rank them? They're like equal. Equal right now. 1A, 1B.

LeBron James is indestructible

I think he's [LeBron James] indestructible. No one's indestructible. I think LeBron is indestructible.

Dez Bryant did not actually cut his finger making soup

I have a feeling he wasn't making soup. I have a feeling he cut his finger doing something else. Are we staying woke on this one? This seems a little sus, as Hank would say.

Small ball wins in the playoffs

Cubs were a tremendous – they are a tremendous power-hitting team. Are they not? Small ball wins in the playoffs. Bunt, steal bases. Bunt, repeat. Contact, repent, repeat.

UConn football doesn't move the needle

UConn football, I don't give a fuck about. I'll just be honest about that. UConn football doesn't move the needle here.

It is hard to bench a backup quarterback like Brian Hoyer if he is playing well

It would be very hard for me to make a switch. I would go anywhere. Not only me. Now, I know people are going to criticize that. I'm not against Jay [Cutler]. I'm saying when you've got a guy playing his... If he wasn't playing well, I'd say, okay. People say, well, he's just a journeyman. Well, maybe he found... Maybe this is the end of the journey. Maybe he found home.

Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in football along with Tom Brady

What about Aaron Rodgers? No, he's the best. Nothing wrong with him? No, he's the best. He doesn't have the weapons, guys. Come on, he does not have the weapons around him... if you're asking me if there's one quarterback in the league, I think he's the best quarterback in football right now. Him and Brady.

I did not fart on the air during ESPN Sunday Countdown

It wasn't me. Not at all. It wasn't me, absolutely. I would take blame if it was me, because that was a doozy. But I don't think, and everybody looked at me, but I don't think, I don't even think it was anybody passed gas. I think it was a chair, somebody moved in the chair.

The shelf life for an NFL coach in one spot is about ten years

Mike McCarthy in general, hey, man, he's been here 10 years. And Bill Walsh always said, you know, you're in the same place for 10 years. That's kind of your shelf life as an NFL coach. So, I don't know. Maybe his message is getting stale.

The Jaguars-Bears game was legitimately one of the worst NFL games ever played

Legitimately one of the worst games I've ever seen. No, it really did [take the fun out of football]. Watching it, I was like, I don't even know why I like this sport.

Harry Caray would beat Vin Scully in a fight because he couldn't feel pain

[Harry Caray wins in a fight against Vin Scully]. Harry Caray. Couldn't feel pain. Too drunk... Well, you know, I'm not going to be the one to say that.

Clayton Kershaw doesn't have the clutch gene

Kershaw doesn't have the clutch gene. Make sure you mention that when he pitches. But did he, 12 innings pitched, 8 in runs? Was that really clutch?

Mike McCoy is the most generic-looking white dude who probably goes to Jimmy Buffett concerts

Mike McCoy is the most generic-ass looking white dude. He's a guy that your dad plays golf with... McCoy just looks like a guy that spends too much time in the sun and has eight Salt Life shirts and goes to a Jimmy Buffett concert every fall, and that's his one vacation for the kids.

Limp Bizkit is the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville

I mean, [Limp Bizkit] are by far the most famous thing to come out of Jacksonville for sure, right?

Kevin Durant is a 'big fucking baby'

Kevin Durant is a big fucking baby. And what did he say? He said that there was a lot of selfish guys on the Thunder... implying that the Thunder are selfish.

Work parties suck and nothing good can come from them

Work parties fucking suck. Can I just say that? Work parties suck. There's nothing good that can come from a work party. Everyone's like, oh, yeah, holiday party. Someone's going to get drunk. Someone's going to puke. Someone's going to be embarrassed. Someone might lose their job.

Arizona Green Tea is the #1 non-alcoholic drink

My power rank for, number one, Arizona, the Great Buy Green Tea. The 99 cent, the big tall boy.

Tonic water is straight garbage

The number one worst non-alcoholic drink. It's tonic water. Tonic water is straight garbage. If I see anybody drinking that in my presence, it makes me want to hurl.

Double Stuf Oreos are the only real 'regular' Oreos

Double Stuf are legitimate regular Oreos. Old school Oreos are definitely diet Oreos. These thin Oreos that people are trying to say are already diet Oreos? No. Those just aren't real.

Philip Rivers is one of the most underrated players in the NFL

Philip Rivers is, I would say, one of the... I think he's one of the more underrated players with what he can do. He's a pretty amazing quarterback.

Losing an election should result in an immediate prison sentence

That should actually be the rule in this country. If you lose the election, you should have to go to prison.

Real life in the NFL is way more wild than the show 'Ballers'

Oh, no. Are you kidding me? Real life is way worse than that. In fact, half the stuff you know went down in the NFL. If I went to the producers of Ballers and said, hey, man, I got a great storyline for you. If this actually happened, they'd say, Glaze, are you out of your damn mind? Nobody would ever believe that.

Kyle Long is the strongest and most violent athlete I have ever trained

That is the strongest, most violent individual who's ever put his hands on me in my entire life. And that includes the Chuck Liddells and the Dan Andersons and the Randy Coutures. I mean, it's not even close, dude.

Former NFL linebacker James Anderson could clean out the UFC heavyweight division

James Anderson... I've been actually trying to convince to fight. ... This dude could fight. He really could. He is so athletic and violent, and he understands it. And he's not a big name, but he would clean out the heavyweight division.

The Spygate tape contains footage of the cameraman creeping on cheerleaders

The starter tape is great because the guy is focusing in on women in the stands. ... Total creeper. He's focusing on, like, women in the stands, and he's focusing it on the Jet cheerleaders. And he's a totally creeper. And then all of a sudden, boom, goes to Jets coaches.

True locker room talk is just men wondering why the old guy won't put on a towel

The real, if people want to know what real locker room talk is around America, locker room talk is basically just an inner monologue saying, why is that old guy not put a towel around his body? Like, why do I got to look at that old guy's dick?

The Red Sox regret getting rid of Terry Francona

Hank, do you think that the Red Sox are regretting getting rid of Terry Francona? No. I'm going to be the first to say that they are. That's definitely a conversation that needs to happen in America starting now.

The Cubs would have won the 2015 NLCS if Addison Russell was healthy

People forget that you got injured before the NLCS last year... I think we probably win that series if you're healthy. Would you agree? I would like to agree. I would like to agree.

Theo Epstein is more intimidating than Tom Ricketts

Who is more intimidating when they come walking around the clubhouse, Ricketts or Theo? I would say Theo. What about Jed? Jed has some intimidation factor, but he's just kind of like a little bit short.

In a one-game win-or-die scenario, Clayton Kershaw is the best choice

if you had one game to win and you could have your pick of, let's call it Scherzer, Arrieta, and Kershaw, who are you taking? Kershaw, no doubt. Yeah, but you're friends with him. Yeah, so.

The Rangers' stadium really sucks

That stadium in Texas really sucks. I don't like it. It's just, I just don't like, I don't know, I don't like the setup. Yeah, I mean, the fans always sing, I don't know, it wasn't the toughest place to pitch.

The pressure for male TV announcers to have full heads of hair is messed up

Joe Buck has come out and said that he was addicted to hair plant surgery and almost lost his career... I think that's fucked up, the pressure that we put on our male announcers to look good for the camera. Always be looking good.