Takes

Complaining on Twitter about your food being stolen is a dickhead move

I'm blaming her [Lizzo] for complaining online about it because that's a dickhead thing to do. As a fellow curvy person, you never want to tweet about your food not being there... I feel like you're just setting yourself up to get dunked on.

LeBron James is a 'good' Slytherin

[PFT Commenter]: If you were to put you, LeBron, and D-Wade into houses in Harry Potter... [Bosh]: LeBron is Slytherin. But he's the good Slytherin.

The Spurs intentionally turned off the AC during Game 1 of the 2014 NBA Finals

[Big Cat]: Do you think the Spurs intentionally turned off the AC in that final? [Bosh]: Absolutely. Of course. That's like Red Auerbach was known. If you're in Boston, the fire things that come off or whatever... I mean, he never denied it, right? But yeah, if I'm them, I'm trying to win.

If a man finds an outfit that works, he should wear it every time

If you're a guy and you find something that works, you run that play until it doesn't work anymore. He got a girlfriend who feels secure enough in the relationship to introduce him to her family. That shit's working.

Bengals coach Zach Taylor has a sketchy vibe and doesn't pop on the sidelines

[Zach Taylor] is a tough guy to vibe out on because he looks like an assistant coach on the sidelines... I would go as far as to say he's got a sketchy vibe because you just don't know what he's doing. He shows up at a party and all your friends that are girls look at each other with side glances.

Kirk Cousins is the worst kind of quarterback because he gives you enough hope to hurt you

Nothing in this world will break your spirit faster than having to be a fan that gets excited for Kirk Cousins on a Sunday. He is the worst kind of quarterback because he's the kind that's good enough where when he fucks up, it really hurts you. It disappoints you... He is good enough to give you enough hope, where then when he fucks up, he totally drives you into deep, deep depression.

Adam Vinatieri will go to the Hall of Fame as a Patriot because he has no memorable moments as a Colt

[Adam Vinatieri is going to the Hall of Fame as] a Patriot, one of us. There's no memorable Adam Vinatieri moments on the Colts. There's nothing that's imprinted in your memory of Adam Vinatieri, game-winning kick [in Indianapolis].

DK Metcalf is Kelvin Benjamin if he went keto for two months

DK Metcalf is big as fuck. He's like if Kelvin Benjamin went keto for like two months. He's cut up and he can run different routes.

If a rookie quarterback gets 'scarred' by starting too early, he was never going to be 'the guy' anyway

If a guy gets scarred [by playing early], he never was going to be the guy anyway. You either have the ability to overcome taking your lumps or you don't. Might as well just do it now.

Cliff Kingsbury is a coward for settling for field goals on 4th and short in the red zone

Cliff Kingsbury, you're supposed to be this offensive genius guy... What the fuck, dude? The Cardinals in the red zone, fourth and one at the four, field goal. Fourth and goal at the two, field goal. I would rather lose trying to get one yard on fourth and goal on the one than just slowly die kicking field goals every time.

Joe Flacco is the league leader in 'being there' and dumping the ball off in the flat

Joe Flacco is the league leader in being there. He's around at all times. You know that you can count on him to put together one good drive a game. But there's nothing that he loves more in this world than throwing a ball into the flat. Joe Flacco is a fetish for three-yard outs.

Thursday Night Football is always good regardless of the game quality

Everyone who says Thursday night football sucks fuck you. It's football. It happens every single year. They're like this is Thursday night football this is atrocious you really want to watch this oh yes i do i want to watch it every thursday if there was not thursday night football i'd have nothing to look forward to on thursday this is thursday night football i don't care if it's bad i really don't i just want to watch football

Washington State's mascot Butch T. Cougar beats Alabama's Big Al if it's a guy in a costume

Well, if they get a real elephant, we're in trouble... But if it's a guy in a costume, I'm going to go with the elusiveness of Butch [T. Cougar].

Butch T. Cougar beats the Notre Dame Leprechaun unless the Leprechaun is actually magic

That leprechaun better actually be magic because otherwise I'm going to go with Butch.

You are always open at some point when running the 'Four Verticals' play

On four verticals, you're always open at some point. You're either open underneath the coverage or you're open when the coverage transitions, or you're open behind the coverage... you're open in the windows. You're always open somewhere. The difficult thing is executing.

The Chicago Cubs are the most maddening and frustrating team I've ever watched

My fire fest is the Chicago cups. They're the most maddening team, frustrating team I've ever watched. They just want to toy with everyone's hearts and they win one game, lose one game, lose two games. Don't score for a week. Then they look awesome... I am at the point where I'm just I don't even know what I want anymore.

Justify should be branded with an asterisk like cattle

You know what they should do? They should fucking brand him with an asterisk. Like a cattle brand. He's going to have to wear that on his hindquarters for the rest of his days.

Vic Fangio's decision to kick a field goal down 21-6 with 10 minutes left was a loser's move

When [Vic Fangio] kicked that field goal down 21-6 with 10 minutes left in the fourth quarter, you need two touchdowns no matter what. He kicked a field goal to then need two touchdowns no matter what... why are you so afraid of not getting a fourth down when kicking a field goal is essentially admitting defeat there?

The NFL moving the Raiders out of Oakland is absolute bullshit

What the NFL is doing to the Raiders is absolute bullshit. I'm going to miss Oakland fans so, so much. Watching the black hole... the Raiders fans... just every single shot, every single camera shot to the crowd is art. It really is.

Each NFL team should be allowed one legal body slam per game

DeAndre Hopkins doesn't get enough credit for one of the coolest nicknames... Nuke. So when he body slammed the defender, which I believe that each team should get one body slam a game, just like you get one body slam, we get one body slam.

Green Day is officially an 'oldies' band now

I was thinking that Green Day would you consider them to be classic rock at this point... yeah I guess... when does the 90s become classic rock... I think it's now. Fuck. I think Green Day is an oldies band.

Alabama could beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady and Bill Belichick

Hank, could Alabama beat the Dolphins if they had Tom Brady as a quarterback? Tom Brady as a quarterback, Belichick as the other coach... [Hank]: Yes. With that type of strategy, like give him two weeks to prepare... Yeah.

I am stronger now at 245 pounds than I was when I played at 265

I lost 15, 20 pounds. And the weight I lost, I call it bullshit weight... bloated weight. I'm actually stronger now. I'm 245 right now... I'm ripped. It feels good. I feel lighter. I feel quicker. I feel faster. I feel more energy.

The '69' joke is starting to fade away

I was actually just talking about that on the ride here... me and Goon were driving up, and we were like, yo, 69? Isn't that – it's kind of like in the past... 69 jokes kind of faded away, which they kind of have. I totally 100% agree.

Tom Brady has a 'special power' that tells him who will be open on every play

I feel like Tom has like this special power and he like he like knows who's going to be open that play... just from all the practice, just from reading the guys being around them... that's what makes him so special and that's why he can get anyone open because he knows exactly where they're going to be.

69 is a seventh-date move

69 is a seven date move also... Seventh date. Let's do a 69. But it's going to be 69 with a caveat that she's on top because she's not ready for my butthole by eight.

The Falcons are the most frustrating team in NFL history to watch and bet on

I fucking hate the Falcons... They're the most frustrating team I've ever watched, ever bet on. I bet on them pretty much every single week... and they fucking suck, and they do the same thing every time.

The key to Kirk Cousins' success is not letting him play quarterback

They figured out the key to Kirk Cousins. Don't let him actually play quarterback. He only threw 10 passes. Less is more with him... Actually, the key for Kirk Cousins is to make sure that the quarterback doesn't play quarterback.

Christian McCaffrey is talented enough to be a professional in every single sport

I don't know this for a fact, but I'm pretty sure Christian McCaffrey could be pro in every single sport. He's that type of guy.

The Cowboys shouldn't sign Dak Prescott to an extension right now while he's playing for a contract

Dak Prescott's going to make a shitload of money. And I actually think if you're Jerry Jones, don't sign him right now because he's playing for a contract.

If a general manager misses the playoffs two years in a row, they should be fired immediately

If you're not going to make the playoffs two years in a row... You're only as good as this year, though, and they're not going to make the playoffs... If you can't make it two years in a row, you've got to go.

We owe Mike Tomlin an apology for how he handled Antonio Brown

In all of this, in all the Antonio Brown madness and the Raiders and all that stuff, I think we owe Mike Tomlin an apology. I think he actually dealt with Antonio Brown the way that you have to deal with a receiver that talented.

The life lesson of Antonio Brown is that talented people can get away with anything

If you're extremely talented at something, you can probably get away with more than everyone else. That's a tough lesson... If you are extremely valuable and exceptionally talented at your given work, you probably can get away with shit.

Rafa Nadal is the GOAT of tennis

Rafa's the GOAT. He won the U.S. Open, which means he now has five major titles since his 30th birthday, the most by any person.

Matt Nagy's decision to call 45 passes and only 15 runs against the Packers was 'incompetence.'

Matt Nagy was also terrible because I know the offensive line wasn't doing a great job and they couldn't really block but holy shit, man, 45 passes and 15 runs. You can't do that, right, when you have a defense like we have. So it was incompetence.

Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame for the Antonio Brown situation

I have a take on this no one to blame. But Mike Mayock and Jon Gruden are 100% to blame Mike Mayock you brought this headcase in Antonio Brown has proven time and time again that he's a dickhead. He has done nothing to disprove that. ... When he comes and he does exactly what you expected him to do. You cannot be surprised.

Tony Romo would be a Hall of Famer if he had won one championship

I feel like Tony Romo was a guy [that] if he had his Peak was gonna hit one Championship. [He'd] been [in the Hall of Fame]. Yeah. I probably agree.

The best way for a celebrity to let off steam anonymously would have been to use their real name on the Jeremy Renner app.

If you're a celebrity this is so tragic that it got shut down because if you wanted to just let off some steam the perfect place to do it would be on the Jeremy Renner app under your real name because no one everyone would just think it was a fake celebrity.

Jehovah's Witnesses should carry pizzas to get people to open their doors.

If they just had a pizza in their hand you always open the door if somebody is holding a pizza. Why don't the Jehovah's Witnesses instead of holding that the little pamphlet ... just have a pizza box that says watch tower on it and the open it up. You have a pizza boom conversations there.

Joe Flacco is a downgrade at quarterback from Trevor Siemian for the Broncos.

The Broncos ... they got Joe Flacco. That's a downgrade from Trevor Siemian.

Solving a Rubik's cube doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you've memorized a pattern.

You're not smart if you get it once you get it you cease to be smart because you can just do it again. ... Solving a puzzle is that way because we can reverse what you did.

The 2019 season of Hard Knocks earns a score of 2.8 out of 5 balls

Finale of Hard Knocks. Balls, I'm giving it two point eight balls. Five ball system. I'd say two and a half if it wasn't very good... Jon Gruden saved it.

Mark Davis is a legitimate draw who puts 'asses in the seats' because people are fascinated by his appearance

Mark Davis puts asses in the seats. That's a fact. Yeah. It's true. It's one way or the other whether you're repulsed or [intrigued]... you will want to show up to look at watch Mark Davis's ass on a seat standing in an office.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis over Roger Federer

I hate to say this but Novak's got two slams in 2019. Federer has none. So he's better right now... he is the goat. All right, and he beat him in Wimbledon. No big deal.

Philip Rivers would have won six Super Bowls if he played for the Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger

I actually think that if you put Phil rivers on the Pittsburgh Steelers instead of Ben Roethlisberger, they probably would have won like six Super Bowls. Philip Rivers was the best quarterback in that draft.

If you want to be a 'naysayer' online, just claim Lincoln Riley's gimmicks won't play in the NFL

All those gimmicks won't play in the NFL. They don't translate. That's how, if you ever want to be a real naysayer online about the genius of Lincoln Riley, just respond to every breakdown of the Oklahoma plays. Be like, if he had to go up against an NFL D lineman, he'd be fucked.

Dino Babers is the classiest head coach in college football

Dino Babers might be leading the league right now in terms of the amount of times you have to say the word classy when you discuss him... Dino Babers is the classiest of the class head coach in college football.

Novak Djokovic is the GOAT of tennis

He [Djokovic] also probably wanted to let Nadal and Federer and Wawrinka can play each other. One of you idiots can win while the GOAT rests up his shoulder.

Comedy specials should be canceled because they require too much of a social stance

I want to cancel comedy specials. Because I'm sick of people telling me, I haven't seen the Chappelle special, but I know I'm not supposed to like it or I am supposed to. I just want to watch a comedy special and laugh, but now it's become something that I have to have a very strong opinion about.

The NCAA intentionally picks unjust transfer stories to distract from their multi-billion dollar business

I actually think the NCAA depicts these stories specifically they're like, we need to find a way where everyone would think our ruling is completely unjust and bullshit rule that way. So everyone talks about that and not the fact that we make billions of dollars and you know, like extort everyone and and and basically run a entire corporation that is bullshit.