Takes

Eating a book of lit matches is a valid and effective football motivational technique

Well, not only was it a book of matches, but let's go ahead and remember there was a book of lit matches... Anybody can eat a book of matches. It takes some toughness to eat a book of lit matches... I was an old football guy... us basketball coaches have to rely on some of those [techniques]. My guys loved it, so it seemed to get them fired up for the game.

The status of the victim determines the difference between being murdered and being assassinated

What's the difference between a murderer and an assassin? Like at what point if I died, like if somebody killed me on purpose, it's like a John Lennon. If I get killed, is that am I assassinated or am I just murdered? It's a total status question.

The AFC has been bad for forever

People don't talk about how bad the AFC has been like forever. The Patriots have basically just had to show up every Sunday for the last 12 years, and they'll make it into one every three Super Bowls.

NFL players should be allowed to smoke weed before Thursday night games to manage pain

NFL players should be allowed to do a joint if they were going to play in a Thursday night game. So if you're on a short week, you can smoke weed to get rid of your pain.

Nick Saban is using Hitler-style propaganda to motivate Alabama

This is actually a real technique that Hitler used. To just make up fake news and pretend that you're oppressed. It's called propaganda. Saban's Goebbels. So you're in charge of thinking of all these bad things to say about Alabama.

The 2016 Giants defense might be better than the two Super Bowl winning defenses

I will say that the [2016] defense might be a little bit better than our two Super Bowl defenses.

I will take Eli Manning over any other quarterback in the playoffs

Eli [Manning] just lets it go, man. He is not afraid in the playoffs, and I think that's something that serves him well. I'll take Eli over any of them.

College kickers who wear towels on their hips are soft

You know another thing that pisses me off is when you watch these college guys and they have shields and sweet towel. They have a towel hanging off their hip like they're about to go take a center snap. You're a fucking kicker. Like kick the ball. No one cares what you look like.

Coach K isn't actually hurt because you coach with your spine, not your back

Hurt or injured, Coach K? I'd say neither. You don't coach with your back. You coach with your spine. And I know that sounds counterintuitive. It's like you coach with your spine, bro. Do you really need to have a functional back to coach? He could just lay down. Larry Bird did it.

Bill Belichick sends his assistants to AFC teams specifically to destroy them from within

Every single Belichick assistant that has spun off into a head coach or front office guy at another team has gone to work in the AFC, and they've systematically destroyed that team that they've gone to and made it an easier schedule for the Patriots. McDaniels just completely destroyed Denver. Pioli and company went to the Chiefs. Bill O'Brien... Texans stink. Saban fucked up the Dolphins too.

Hank is more famous than former NHL star Ryan Whitney

Is there a part of you that realizes that Hank is still more famous than you? [Ryan Whitney: I'm fully 100% aware of it.]

The tattoo has officially replaced the mustache as a symbol of American masculinity

Well, the tattoo probably replaced the mustache, you know?

Shooting 'granny style' should be rebranded to 'pimp grip' to make it cooler for NBA players

I think the problem is that it's called granny style because nobody wants to shoot it with that name. If it was like pimp grip or like called baller style or something like that, I feel like more people would try it.

NBA players are just as tough as hockey players

I think it's more so that people try to go at NBA players like we're soft. Well, we're just as tough. Just as tough as hockey players.

The Pardon My Take table read of The Office was better than the original show

That was better than the real one, I think. Yep. We crushed it. Everyone. Wow. Why didn't he just do prison mic in every scene?

Benchining a player for being too fat isn't discrimination if they were already heavy when they signed

They accepted [Pablo Sandoval] as being a loud ass when they signed him. He was heavy. So they didn't discriminate in the beginning. And so they will accept him the way he was, but it turned out that he couldn't hit his weight.

I'm an underrated emailer because I'm more persuasive when people don't have to look at my face

I'm an underrated emailer. What can I say? I'm a lot more persuasive when people don't have to look at my face.

The punt is the most important play in football

No, I've said it's [the punt] the most important play. All right, the most important play.

Joe Flacco is elite because he has a Super Bowl ring

Is Joe Flacco elite? Duh. Obviously. He won a Super Bowl. Hello.

Grayson Allen is everything I need in college basketball right now

Grayson Allen is everything I need in college basketball. And I think most Duke fans, the rational Duke fans, we have a mutual respect. I hate their guts. But they're like, you know what? [We] need [each other] to exist.

Coach K uses 'dizzy spells' and gray hair as deflection tactics when Duke is struggling

Look out for Coach K to maybe take a little heat off Grayson Allen, have a little dizzy spell sometime soon... Or he could grow the gray hair out a little bit and be like, you boys are giving me gray hairs. And then once they start playing well again, just dye it totally jet black again.

Any movie made before 1990 sucks

Any movie that's made before 1990 can just piss right off because I don't care about it... It's movies with subtitles and movies that are either black [and white].

NBA superteams and a lack of parity make the league boring

There's not a lot of parity in the league. It's super teams. Why even watch? If you have one unbelievable player, then it's pretty much a guaranteed win.

Henrik Lundqvist has flawless, dreamy hair

Mostly his hair... When [Lundqvist] is playing, he kind of either goes with the cap on or the cap off, and when the cap's off, it's... It's dreamy. Yeah, it's flawless.

Video games and social media have killed the camaraderie and road life of modern wrestlers

The guys nowadays... pretty much stayed to themselves. A lot of video games, a lot of stuff like that. Social media is tough. The guys don't go out like they used to. It's just different times... it's a different time. And the scrutiny of social media... we all have fun but it's in a place where we're safe from scrutiny.

I've never been with a woman in the wrestling business

I've never been with a wrestling girl. Never, no... and then all of a sudden they want a favor, and I don't like when it holds it back... Don't crap where you eat.

WWE's production values are superior to the NBA and NFL

WWE's production values are [so good]. Their stuff is better than NBA, NFL, Namath. Their stuff is so good and so far advanced.

Every crime headline should include the sports teams the criminal roots for

Every time that there's a crime in the paper, if the detectives are able to figure out what teams they supported, they should include that in the headline. So like Pittsburgh Penguins fan hits Washington Wizards fan in a drunk driving accident.

Star players only sit out bowl games when the bowl has poor leadership

If those two clowns of bowls [the Citrus Bowl and the Sun Bowl] had actual leadership running the show, I don't think that the star players would be sitting out.

I have no problem with players sitting out bowl games because the system is corrupt

I have no problem with any of these guys sitting out any of the bowls... I like players taking care of themselves when the system is corrupt.

The NFL Commissioner is perhaps more powerful than the President of the United States

Al [Davis] believed the NFL was very, very, very powerful. He believed, you know, at one point he said to me... the commissioner is powerful and something to the effect of, you know, perhaps more powerful than the president of the United States.

It is an ethics violation for NBA media to vote on the All-Star Game

If you're going to have journalists that cover the NBA determining what's going on in the NBA and who's good or not... That's just a major ethics violation. Conflict of interest. Stay in your lane.

The NFL is to blame for security guards masturbating because they put hot cheerleaders on the sidelines

Why do they put the cheerleaders at NFL games if we're not allowed to masturbate to them in the stadium?... It is the NFL's fault because they kind of asked for it. You don't put hot women on the sidelines and expect us not to masturbate. A bunch of alpha males just walking around.

Donald Trump is the Rosa Parks of white presidents

Trump, he'll make it better. White guys. Finally a white guy as a president. He's basically the Rosa Parks of white presidents. He's healing our nation.

NFL coach, beat reporter, and super fan trades should be more common

I love any non-athlete trade, and there needs to be more of them. ... I think it should be expanded to beat reporters. ... I want to see super fans getting traded.

Numbers and analytics are ruining sports

Numbers ruin sports. You made us all robots. Sports was great when it was just men grunting at each other, and there was no number for how much pain you're playing through.

Retiring NFL players lose their identity and are quickly forgotten

Very few people are going to remember that you played and even less are going to care once you retire. ... your identity better not come from playing football because your identity will be taken eventually or your career will be over eventually.

NFL owners care more about profit than winning

There's a lot of owners that don't really, they say they want to win, but they don't want to do what it takes to win. They want to be profitable. They're in the entertainment business. They think it's cool to own a team.

NFL free agents always have a fatal flaw

if you hit the free agent market, you've got some fatal flaw. Right? You're either an attitude issue [or] an injury issue. ... The Redskins said, you can't play anymore. You're so injured, you can't play anymore. And I flunked three physicals.

The Heisman represents the player with the biggest campaign, not the best player

Let's not call it the best college football player because it doesn't represent the best college football player. It represents the guy with the biggest campaign who happens to touch the ball.

Jay Cutler should have played through his injury in the 2010 NFC Championship Game

You had a chance to win that game. ... Show me anybody who gets injured in a game of that magnitude, you still have a chance. ... And he's sitting on the bench, Mopey McMoperson over there. ... You'd have to drag me off the field at that point.

LeBron James is taking money out of kids' pockets by resting for games

It's honestly a little bit disgusting on LeBron's part to take a day off... He's taking money out of kids' pockets. He is.

The Seahawks' neon algae green uniforms are the best Color Rush uniforms ever

Color Rush happened last night. Best Color Rush uniforms ever. Ever. Seahawks look pretty good. Seahawks are great. Algae green.

You have to be a little crazy to be a professional goalie

All goalies are a little bit off. You've got to be a little bit off to do that for a living.

Grown men over the age of 30 should stop using the word dude

When did the word dude become part of the speech. I don't like that... I really don't mind when someone, a teenager or early 20s, uses it. But when you get older, the thing I hate the most is someone my age using it.

Jim Rome is an awful, irritating broadcaster

Oh, [Jim Rome] is terrible. He's awful. And I mean, another one, what does he have to invent a new language for? And he speaks in a whole different way.

Jim Rome is a treasure who has done more for the human race than almost anyone else in media

I think Jim Rome is a treasure. I think that he has done more for the human race than just about anybody outside of Bristol, Connecticut.

Young people need to stop using the word 'like' as a filler word

All people your age and younger do this. The word 'like'. I'm trying to stop [them].

Tiger Woods switched to Bridgestone golf balls so he can blame the equipment for his poor play

I like the choice by Tiger because you go off brand, you can always blame the balls... I thought these balls had the spin and distance and torque that I needed for my game. I was wrong. That's why I broke my back again and it had nothing to do with the steroids.

Every child born in 2016 is inherently evil

Since 2016 sucks, the futures market for kids is way down right now, because every kid born this year is evil. That's how horoscopes work, by the way.