Takes

I will have the greatest gambling season of my life because of clovers in my new yard

I'm moving and I got a little patch of grass, shrubbery at the new place... Talk to the previous tenant, he said if you look close enough, there's a bunch of four-leaf clovers in there. So I'm about to have the greatest gambling season of my life.

The worst part of vacation is waking up on the third day after binge drinking

Waking up on the third day after binge drinking for two days, and it really just all sets in. I think Thursday. I basically just slept all day.

September 20, 2020 will be the perfect sports day

September 20th is going to be a hell of a day in sports. Yeah, it's going to be the day when all the sports line. We're going to have NBA playoffs. We're going to have hockey playoffs. You've got also golf the US Open that's the final round of that on that day.

The Buccaneers at number five is fine because they already had a decent core and a good defense

I'm actually okay with the Bucs being five because the Bucs... they had the core of a decent team last year. They just had a quarterback that threw 30 interceptions... And they had a pretty good defense, too.

The Cardinals will be everyone's dark horse team this summer

Cardinals, right now, I'm just calling it, they are going to be everyone's dark horse team. Yeah, because it's going to be like they can't be as bad as they were last year, plus year two with a new coach.

A 50-game MLB season is too short to weed out the bad teams

I think 50 would be exciting, but it also would be maddening to watch a team... 50 games is tough. 70-80, I think you can weed out. You'll still have a couple teams where you can point to and say there's no way they would have lasted an entire season.

Writer's block doesn't exist; you just need to 'change the weather' in the script

I've never, I've had places where I've gotten sort of stopped, but I just... what I have always advised people was change the weather. In other words, make it rain, make it snow, do something different just with the weather. And all of a sudden you have a different look at things.

A dog's head tilt is the best thing about having a dog

The inquisitive ears slash look when a noise or, you know, like your dog's like trying to learn something new and they give you that sideways glance. The head tilt. Oh, the best.

Resting your hands on your knees while tired is a sign of weakness that I will exploit

I still believe if you have your hands on your knees, it's a sign of weakness and I will exploit you. [Resting your hands on your head] was such a mind fuck when they said that it doesn't make a difference if you're tired.

Fake crowd noise in sports broadcasts is a good idea with no downside

I'm totally down with the fake crowd noise. They had it for the Bundesliga. I thought it was awesome. It really does make it seem like a real game... I don't see any downside. I know the opposition to that is we want to hear the players talk, but as soon as players know that they're on a live mic, they're not going to talk the same way.

Netflix's Outer Banks is a bad show that is also good

I like Outer Banks. It's such a bad show. It's so bad. It's become good. It reminds me of all my favorite action movies with Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme... it is so bad, and I'm learning nothing. I'm getting dumber.

Truck nuts are the ultimate indicator of a douchebag

I will start with truck nuts. Truck nuts are the Mount Flushmore of car accessories. If you see a dude with truck nuts, he is 100% a douchebag.

0.0 bumper stickers are the lamest distance-based stickers

I actually think there's a new number one leader when it comes to distances that's way worse, the 0.0. I think that's the lamest. That one used to be funny. Now it's lame. Now it's so lame.

People in their mid-20s are losing a prime year of their life due to the pandemic

If you're in your mid twenties, you're just giving away a year of your prime. It's like Sean Payton getting suspended for a year with the Saints. Like, you have just given away a year that you'll never get back.

The Match should be held every other week with different celebrity pairings

They should take what they did with the match, too, the rematch of Tiger and Phil and Tom and Peyton and just do it every other week with a different celebrity pairing.

Your imagination is better than any video game console

Turns out your imagination is way better than any video game console. We should definitely do a just hour-long Dungeons and Dragons episode.

The camera angles for Washington Huskies football and basketball games are the weirdest in sports

The camera angles, both for football and basketball, are the weirdest camera angles ever. The basketball camera angle when you're watching a Washington Huskies game is insane. I don't understand how – I'm a degenerate gambler, so these are the weird things that I notice.

People love reality television because it allows them to feel superior to the 'shitty people' on screen

That's why we love reality television, because we get to watch it and say, oh, well, at least we're not them. At least we're not drunk fighting in the Hamptons every summer. Or at least we don't own these tigers and kill our husband. We judge ourselves like we could be shitty people, but we're not that.

Lamar Jackson is better at playing Taysom Hill's positions than Taysom Hill

I would go out on a limb and say that I think Lamar Jackson might be better at playing most of the same positions that Taysom Hill plays.

I'm surprised there has never been a Call of Duty branded movie

I'm surprised there's never been a Call of Duty movie, to be perfectly honest. ... I know [there are war movies], but there's not like a Call of Duty branded [one].

The least realistic thing about Entourage is the four guys being together so often

Whenever anybody asked me about the realistic stuff of the show, the thing I always said was the least realistic thing is that four guys would be together this often.

Dak Prescott is a 'cool hat guy' who can pull off a cowboy hat

I actually think Dak Prescott is cool hat guy. I think he could run like even a cowboy hat like he something that's not a normal hat. I think you look good.

Mick Foley is one of the five toughest people in WWE history

[Mick Foley] is definitely top five. That's for sure. Some of the bumps he's taken is this like proof they're off the chart.

Blockbuster not buying Netflix for $50 million is the worst business decision ever

This is an easy one blockbuster not buying Netflix 450 million dollars. Blockbusters like know people like coming into our physical retail locations for the smell... easy number one for me.

Complaining is the most authentic part of sports fandom, and appreciation is for when they're gone

When sports come back. I'm going to revert right back to my sports fandom instantly. I will complain about everything instantly. That's what sports fans do. That's when you know it's back, when we can complain. So don't give me this like, hey, man, just appreciate that it's back. No, no, no, no. I'm going to complain. That's what sports fans do.

I'm wearing shorts exclusively until Labor Day and will not wear pants again this summer

I packed up all my shit this weekend. I put all my sweatpants on the highest shelf where I can't reach them... I'm done with pants for the summertime. I think from this point on, from now until Labor Day, I'm going shorts only.

My ping pong victory over PFT Commenter is like the Bulls finally beating the Pistons

It's like MJ [Michael Jordan] versus the Pistons, except in this situation, no one got to saw the Pistons beat the Bulls.

Weights are physically heavier in 'shitty' gyms with no air conditioning

He trained in the shittiest gyms. And I think that those weights are, in fact, heavier in shitty gyms. If you go to a place that's 100 degrees inside, that's got cobwebs and dust and shit everywhere, you're going to get a better pump than if you go to a Gold's Gym in Manhattan Beach.

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions

Waffle House is one of America's finest institutions. ... If you're a millionaire, you should still be going to Waffle House on a regular basis. It is the best night food. It's the best breakfast food.

Lacrosse is the sport of the future

My cool throne is lacrosse, sport of the future. Yep. Paul Rabel figured out betting, so they're doing an event in the summer. People are going to be able to bet on it.

The Star Wars and Simpsons fanbases are the hardest to please

Is the Star Wars fan base the hardest fan base to please? [Big Cat]. It's up there. I think it's up there with the Simpsons fan base. ... I think the corporate culture of some of these other fandoms is, I am owed everything. ... It's the worst episode ever, and I feel like they owe me an apology.

Children can't lie

I would like to speak to the children? Children can't lie. Okay?

Episode 7 of The Last Dance was the strongest episode of the entire documentary

I thought Episode 7 was the strongest episode of the entire documentary. It was so, so well done.

Michael Jordan's personality is the only thing that allowed him to be exceptionally great

You don't say that him being a jerk made him great, but you're saying that his greatness, like, yeah, he probably would not have been looked at in the way that we look at him right now if he didn't have that personality.

The 1996 Bulls game against the Indiana Pacers had higher viewership than March Madness

MJ did three times the NCAA tournament. Think about that. The NBA game in the middle of March did three times NCAA tournament, so much so CBS had to do a make good for advertisers because they got so fucking roasted in viewership because MJ came back during March Madness.

The Rams new logo is even worse than when it was first revealed

The Rams logo sucks even worse than I – like, they did the logo reveal a month ago. We all roasted it. I forgot about it... But, man, does that logo suck.

I will bet on any NFL team that was bad the previous year in Week 1

My week one strategy is just basically bet on the teams that sucked last year.

I am probably the first No. 1 overall draft pick to still be living in their parents' basement a month after the draft

My dad likes to make the joke that I'm a 23-year-old millionaire living in my parents' basement. Yeah, it's not a joke. It's not a joke at this point.

The 'Free Fire' play is the secret to a dominant defense in NCAA Football 14

Free fire, the one with the Mike and Will blitzing every single time. The Will comes free in the big gap every single time, and you just play man-to-man... The linebacker on the right side in the B gap comes through every time. I'm telling you. That was my secret.

The best offensive strategy in NCAA Football 14 is running Four Verticals and audibling to stops if the corners play off

Call four verticals every single play, and if the corners are playing off, just change it audible to a stop, and you get completion every single time.

The NC Dinos are officially the podcast's KBO team

So the NC Dinos, that's going to be our team. They actually have a nice logo, too. Some good colors... we got in on the ground floor here. We are the number one NC Dinos podcast.

I would definitely go into an NBA bubble to finish the season

If I were still playing in the league right now and Adam Silver called me up and said, hey, we're going to go live in a bubble... I would be open to it. One, if it's safe and it's a healthy environment, that's great. Two, being able to forfeit that time away from your family... it's a give-take situation.

March Madness makes you want to play basketball more than any other event

I would say my number one would be March Madness always makes me want to go play hoops. Something about March Madness makes basketball more romantic, so you just want to go play it and relive Valpo and all this shit.

The PT Cruiser is an objectively terrible car

Right off the bat, PT Cruiser. Easy. Bad car.

The Patriots would be a good landing spot for Andy Dalton

Andy Dalton, I would take a chance on it. Patriots might [be], it seems like a good landing spot for him. I'd be fine with him.

Michael Jordan is the absolute definition of a 'winner', despite his flaws as an owner

Michael Jordan is not a loser... he is the definition of the word winner? Yes. Yeah, I would say so in like sees synonymous with winner more probably any athlete.

There should be a '23andMe' for old clothes to find out where they went

Why [isn't there] the 23andMe for your old clothes? You'll be session like I had to just awesome sweatshirt 15 years ago... I wouldn't have thrown that away. But where is it?

Jameis Winston's performance is significantly better on turf than on grass

his grass versus Turf split you ready for this... on grass 22 touchdowns 27 interceptions on Turf 11 touchdowns three interceptions. Wow, his passer rating is almost it's 35 points higher on Turf than it is in Grass.

Data visualization designers and bow tie manufacturers are thriving during the pandemic

I actually think bow ties are getting a big boom because every time I turn on CNN, there's a fucking weirdo doctor... what do they do wear a bow tie. The people who are making the the gifts of like, you know, like the spread of coronavirus the charts. It's got to be off the charts for them right now.

The first blast of air conditioning on a super hot day is a top-tier life victory

the first first time you step inside and feel that blast of air conditioning on a super hot day... it just it feels like heaven just had on washes over you.