Takes

The Monday Night Football outro is one of the worst sounds in sports

Thank you for watching this presentation of the National Football League on a Monday night. That sucks... you just came off a whole Sunday of football, and then that hits, and you're like, well, no more football for another fucking three days.

Odell Beckham Jr. will eventually bring back his old hairstyle

I predict that the old hair is coming back... I do too.

Jon Gruden will prevent anything interesting from being shown on Hard Knocks

It's very obvious that Jon Gruden is not going to let them show anything that's remotely interesting. We just have to hope for next week with Sean McVay trying to out-Gruden Jon Gruden.

Melted cheese is the ultimate cheese hack for any food

Any type of cheese, if you melt it on top of something, makes it instantly better. I will go with melted. Just melted.

Nacho cheese is better the more unrealistic and neon it looks

I'm going to go with nacho cheese... I love it the more unrealistic the cheese is. Like the more yellow, the like neon yellow color you get with stadium nachos. Love that shit... like the radioactive goo.

The Ticonderoga Number 2 is the standard for coaching pencils

We're definitely a Ticonderoga number two. That's our standard right now. Never deviate from that... It's really just a good writing utensil.

I would rather have a Super Bowl ring than be in the Hall of Fame

Watching the Hall of Fame induction made me, for a brief moment, think that Chris Carter, when he said he'd rather be in the Hall of Fame than have a Super Bowl ring, might have been on to something, and then as soon as the season starts, I'm like, nah, Super Bowl.

The day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday

Day after the Super Bowl, national holiday. Done.

Having Ryan Fitzpatrick as your quarterback is a bad strategy if you are trying to tank

If you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback... Ryan Fitzpatrick is always good for a few wins out of nowhere. So if you want to tank, don't have Ryan Fitzpatrick be your quarterback. But Brian Flores is going for it.

The goat is the number one farm animal

I'm going to go with the goat... a lot of reasons. I'm thinking logically how much they eat, the reproduction, the price per pound coming from the farm. But the first domesticated animal on earth. And it is the goat. 1, 1. It's quite obvious.

Bees are the most important farm animals because they sustain the ecosystem

I'm going with bees. They're actually the most important animal that you can have. And when they're dying at an alarming rate, then all the other plants and animals in the ecosystem, they face a rapid decline in population once the bees are gone.

Barefoot people on planes are the most annoying travel people

The barefoot person on the plane. The person who puts their feet up and there are just toes everywhere. It's just gross. I don't care how clean your feet are. When I look at a foot, I assume it's dirty and I imagine the smell even if it doesn't stink.

People who bring hot, smelly food onto planes are assholes

Hot food on the plane guy who brings it in with him. Dude, if you're bringing like a whole Chinese food and then popping it open right when we sit down, you're an asshole. and it smells everywhere, that's the worst.

Joel Embiid is the hardest player to guard in the post

I'll probably have to say a guy like Joel Embiid, man. He's a big guy. He can face up, back to the basket, super skilled, extremely strong. So a guy like that probably.

Kawhi Leonard and Steve Ballmer are a match made in heaven

The Kawhi Leonard robot mixed with Steve Ballmer's over-the-top insane, insane energy is a match made in heaven.

The compact SUV market is a total fraud

The compact SUV world is such a fraud city... it's just a car. And then you actually don't have as much trunk room as you would in a normal car. You put a dog in it, and it's already crowded.

Selling beer in Death Valley will make the crowd even louder

Take every LSU home game. Not that you wouldn't anyway, but the crowd is going to be very loud... Finally, finally, NCAA stadiums like this is ridiculous. It took this long. I'm like, hey, maybe we should sell beer at the fucking football game.

No list should ever last 100 places

100 is way too many for anything. There should be no list that lasts 100 places.

Breaking Bad had the greatest TV show ending of all time

Breaking Bad would be like the best. I don't think it can get any better than that... Everything felt clear. His kids still get the money. Jesse gets away. He's the moral conscious. Hank does die, which I think at that point, he doesn't want to die. He needed to die.

Joe Flacco has cool hair

We've been inundated with so many pictures of Joe Flacco and his cool hair. Reporters out in Denver can't believe that he actually has decent hair.

There is nothing cooler than being a regular at a place where everyone knows your name

Honestly, there's nothing cooler than being a regular at a bar. You show up and everyone's like, hey, here he comes.

Michael Jordan's competitive drive is the athlete trait I wish I had most

I'll start with Michael Jordan's competitive drive. That will be my number one.

Winning Blake of the Year is like winning a low Division II championship

True story... I was on a flight when the Blake of the Year came out, and when I landed in Atlanta, you would have thought I had just literally won like a low Division II championship.

It's very lame when NBA players get upset about their 2K ratings

Very [lame], yeah. Because it has no control over how you actually are as a player.

Brooks Koepka will win the British Open

Brooks Koepka is back and he's going to win the British Open. He's killing it. He's three under. He's not in the lead. Two strokes back. But his caddy is basically cheating because he's from Portrush.

No amateur golfer has ever actually shot a 13 on a single hole

My theory is that nobody except for professional golfers have ever shot a 13 right? That's true because you just pick it up after a while.

Junior Mints are S-tier because of their scarcity

The one thing I like about Junior Mints, I don't think you can get it everywhere... you go into even a liquor store, you can get a Snickers bar... it's just too easy to get. I like the fact you got to work a little for your Junior Mints.

Steph Curry is the greatest shooter in NBA history

Steph Curry's the best shooter in NBA history. Who said it before me? I think I was the first person that I heard say it.

Licorice is the best jelly bean to give to someone you hate

What are the best flavors of jelly beans to give to someone you hate? Oh, definitely licorice. Yep. You can have them all.

Mitch Trubisky being the 20th best quarterback in Madden with a 75 rating is fair

Trubisky was ranked the 20th best quarterback with a rating of 75. That's okay.

Meryl Streep is the all-time GOAT of passive-aggressive comments

Meryl Streep is coming in... Meryl Streep is wrecking people. She's so – her little passive-aggressive comments. She is the all-time goat when it comes to passive-aggressive comments.

Russell Wilson is definitely a Hall of Famer

Russell Wilson will be a Hall of Famer. Yes, he's a Hall of Famer.

Next summer will be even hotter than this year's record-breaking summer

It's the hottest summer ever. That's a fact. Again, it'll be even hotter next year. Next summer.

You don't break habits, you only replace them with new behaviors

People think you break habits. You don't break habits. What you do is replace one behavior with a different behavior.

Footballs were never actually made of pigskin

Wilson football reached out to me about that and they explained that it was never pig skin, it was cow skin... I said, so now I was thinking to myself, now I should just go around and just start saying, like, let's go toss the cow skin around.

I am a personal servant to my dog Stella

I actually am a servant to Stella because every day I wake up and I give her food at the exact same time. And she goes back in bed and hangs out all day. And then I come home and I give her food again.

Meryl Streep is a 'bad bitch' who deserves respect.

Meryl Streep, such a bad bitch, I'm starting to respect her.

Winning 'Blake of the Year' makes a career's worth of naysayers and haters worth it.

I'd like to thank my family for believing me this whole time. Obviously, there's been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of naysayers, a lot of haters, but somehow we made it here. I'm at a loss for words. ... At the end of the day, it's worth it.

Hitting a home run is the ultimate way to beat the shift

You learn the rules of baseball because isn't hitting a home run beating the shift every single time? You just actually blew my mind. You beat the shift when you hit a home run over everyone.

The only thing that ruins baseball is when the game ends in a tie

The only thing that ruins baseball is when the game ends in a tie. Right. And we're not doing that anymore.

The NBA has the best offseason in sports

The NBA by far and away has the best offseason in terms of the free agency period and players moving around and teams completely changing the course of their next four to five years in a matter of moments.

Wimbledon is a top-tier sport to take a nap through

Mount Rushmore of sports to take a nap through. I've been napping a lot through Wimbledon because it's the green. It's early to quiet. It's just a little bit of grunts here and there. But other than that, it's a nice little ease into a nap Wimbledon.

Winning a bet that was a sure loser is an all-time thrill

Winning a bet that was a sure, sure, sure loser. Like dead in the water. You have an over and it comes back out of nowhere. Where you just wrote it off. That is an all-time thrill.

Smooth by Santana and Rob Thomas is the ultimate #1 summer song

Smooth. Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas. 20 years ago. It feels like it came out yesterday. It does. The way that they play it on every sporting event.

Blue Sky by The Allman Brothers is the best summer car song

Allman Brothers, Blue Sky. When that song hits, when you're in the car, oof, nothing better, nothing better.

Daryl Morey is playing with house money and the Jimmy Butler pursuit is his ultimate move

It's almost like he's playing with house money at this point, and Jimmy Butler, J-Butt, is the ultimate house money move.

Step Brothers is a movie that holds up perfectly between commercial breaks on TV

Step Brothers is so rewatchable. You know what's crazy? When I first saw Step Brothers I didn't think it was that good but now if you see it on TV every scene every like in between commercial breaks holds up on its own and you have to watch the whole thing.

Dwayne Haskins finally gives Redskins fans something to be excited about

We did draft Haskins, which it gets me excited as a fan. I mean, if we were going into this offseason and camp and preseason without Haskins, look at the rest of the quarterbacks on the team. I mean, I can't get excited about that.

The NBA will never actually shorten the 82-game season because everyone loses money

You just have to remember, if they shorten the season, all the players are going to get paid less. So there's no way they're ever going to shorten the season, and all the owners are going to make less money. So it's never going to get shortened.

The NBA holding their awards show in late June is a stupid move

I don't want a fucking award show on a random Monday in June. Mentally, we do as fans [care about the postseason results]. I'm thinking, of course James Harden didn't win it because the Rockets flamed out again. It's so stupid that they do it this way. They should just do it right before the playoffs.