Takes

It should be an unwritten rule that you cannot use a charge card in the 12-items-or-less supermarket line

If it says 12 items or less, what is the point of even putting that if somebody's going to go in and fumble around for the damn card... Don't you think it's implied that if you're going to get in the quick checkout line that you're not going to use a charge card?

SoulCycle is a lame cult that forces people to say prayers

SoulCycle is a cult... They actually made me say a prayer at the end. It was like a peace, love, like be the best of you and see your life through love. It was so fucking lame, man.

Kirk Cousins is still a really good quarterback

My biggest takeaway is that Kirk Cousins is still really good. Oh, yeah. He is not afraid to sling it. That guy, he'll stare down a receiver on a slant route and not even look at the middle of the field. That's the type of confidence that you need your quarterback to have.

The Chicago Cubs will win the 2016 World Series

I'd like to say congratulations to the 2016, um, world series champion Chicago Cubs. All right, well, congrats to the future World Series champions.

Tom Brady will be the best he's ever been in 2016 because he is angry

I think New England's going to go 14-2 or 15-1. I think Tom Brady's so angry right now, and he's going to be the best player he's ever been. So that's my AFC story.

You don't need to wash apples from a grocery store

I feel like there's a little bit more class in the apple handling department at a grocery store... [Gas station apples] I don't even want to touch the key to get into the bathroom to use the sink... I don't wash [grocery store apples].

The Bears will beat the Eagles 24-20 on Monday Night Football

If I had to give you my score prediction, I would say Bears win 24-20. That's what the streets in Bakersfield are saying. I don't know what them motherfuckers [in Philly] are saying, nigga. That's what the fuck I'm saying.

Jeff Fisher's blueprint for job security is to ingrain yourself in every small facet of the company

Jeff Fisher gives everybody in corporate America a great blueprint for how to keep your job. You just – you ingrain yourself into every small facet of your company. It doesn't matter if you're doing your job well... If you just spread yourself out far enough into an organization, you're never going to get fired.

The Rams will beat the Seahawks this week

I think [Jeff Fisher] is going to beat the Seahawks this week.

Twitter is officially out to get Curt Schilling

Twitter is out to get Curt Schilling. It has nothing to do with his awful opinions, his racist beliefs, the fact that he's addicted to memes and retweeting idiots... Nope.

NFL parity is just a myth for everyone being bad

They have convinced us that the NFL has extreme parity when in reality it's just everyone sucks. So you can make the playoffs because everyone sucks except for maybe five teams, four teams.

Jeff Fisher is on the hot seat because Hollywood demands style over substance

I'm gonna say Jeff Fisher... You live in Hollywood. You got to score some points. Flash. They've canceled series out in Hollywood for less than just a week one dud. Fisher, he's always been a Hollywood guy, right? He's always been a big glitz, glamour... But if you don't get the results, I think that he's going to be on the hot seat.

Dan Quinn is on the hot seat because his defense can't get sacks

Dan Quinn. Oh, okay. Yeah. Second year. You know what? Really, really bad. Dan Quinn, defensive mastermind, 19 sacks in 17 games with the Falcons.

An hour and 45 minute wait for pizza is rude and unacceptable

You got to be fucking batshit crazy. If you're from anywhere to wait for anything for an hour and 45 minutes... I don't care what's in there. An hour and 45 minutes is rude for anything. I'm not going to an NSYNC concert. I want a slice of pizza.

The Jaguars are officially back if they beat the Chargers

If we win, I feel like the Jaguars are back. I'll say that... we have the Ravens and the Colts after that... I feel like the next 15 are winnable.

The 'PMT Bump' gets guests massive contracts

You touch part of my take, you turn into gold. Facts are facts. David DiCastro... Kyle Long... Chris Long... A.J. Hawk. We told him how to get hired... Boom. On a team. Rainmakers. We are rainmakers.

Jimmy Garoppolo is the future quarterback of the Chicago Bears

Future Bear quarterback, Jimmy Garoppolo. If you say it enough, people are going to start getting it in their head... Jimmy Garoppolo from Illinois, Eastern Illinois product. Bears.

The Jaguars will go 8-8 this year

Everybody declared that the book reader Blake Bortles was ready to turn the corner and so on. But the fact their offensive line is bad, and I think they go 8-8 this year.

Dark mustard is superior to yellow mustard in every single situation

I don't think there is any situation that yellow mustard is better than dark mustard... Why, under what circumstance would you say? No, no, hold the dark. I'll take the yellow.

CM Punk's MMA debut looked like a big brother beating up a little brother

He got beat so badly... He got tackled and then was just kind of flailing on the ground while the guy just punched him in the face. It was all of like a big brother jumping on a little brother and then hitting the little brother with his own fists. That's what it looked like.

Matthew Dellavedova subtweeted LeBron James by calling his fiancée his 'best mate'

Deli's engaged... and then he tweeted and Instagrammed, and he said, 'The best mate I could ever have in my life.' So shots fired at LeBron, kind of. Subtweet. A little sneaky subtweet.

The NFL books terrible pregame bands like OneRepublic on purpose to show power over the audience

I think the NFL does that on purpose. They always have the world's shittiest band opening up for the season... They do it on purpose just to say, like, fuck you, you're going to watch. We could wheel out Ozzy Osbourne while he's in a coma, and you would still tune in and watch.

Cam Newton and Ron Rivera had the worst clock management of the 2016 season so far

Cam Newton and analytical Ron, probably the worst clock management that we've seen in the 2016 NFL season so far. They burned every single timeout within the first five minutes of the first half.

My Week 1 NFL Lock is the Jaguars +5.5 at home against the Packers

This is my stone cold lock of the week. I've got the Jaguars at home, jagging off big time, plus five and a half against the Packers.

The Bears will win outright against the Texans in Week 1

Bears are going to win outright. Just a heads up, everyone.

The Saints are my 2016 dark horse team because their defense can't get any worse

How about the Saints? ... Their defense can't be any worse than it's been. And, you know, Dennis Allen is now in charge of it. They got rid of Rob Ryan... I think the Saints would be a team that could surprise some people this year.

Virginia Tech will upset Tennessee at Bristol Motor Speedway

I got Virginia Tech because Appalachian State pushed Tennessee to the brink... Appalachian State should not even be on the same playing level as Tennessee. I got Virginia Tech in the upset.

Texas is back after upsetting Notre Dame

Swoops for the win. Texas is back, folks. They upset Number 10 Notre Dame. And what an amazing win for the Texas Longhorns.

Marvin Lewis and Jason Garrett are on the 'Ice Throne' and will never be fired

Number one, he's actually – we have to come up with a term. Is it just the cold seat? ... The king of the ice throne, Marvin Lewis. He will never be fired. Here's another one, though. Jason Garrett is so lucky to have Tony Romo because every single year he's like, could have been good, Tony got hurt.

Pardon My Take has more listeners than Bill Simmons

We have over 40 million listeners in six months. That's crazy. I'm just going to say it's more than Simmons. Yeah, it's more than [Bill] Simmons.

Trevor Siemian is the Tim Tebow of the 2016 Denver Broncos

I don't even care that Trevor Siemian is the starting quarterback. Every game he's been in, they've won. Absolutely. So he's the Tim Tebow of the Denver Broncos this year.

Notre Dame is heading in the wrong direction

If you had to describe Notre Dame for the last seven years, it's perfectly this. Are they back? Question mark. They've been almost back, sort of back, never fully back. But I think now they're going the wrong direction. Now they're set back.

I am officially not retired and looking for the right NFL situation

I guess I am officially not retired at the moment. I think I'd pick up the right call, like the right situation that came about. I'm not completely done.

The New York Giants will win the NFC East because Ben McAdoo is the best-dressed coach

I'm going to take the Giants and Ben McAdoo, the head coach, the best-dressed coach in the NFL.

Chad Kelly should legally change his name to Swag Kelly

Legally change your name to Swag. No way that will ever backfire when you're out of the NFL selling car insurance in bumfuck Mississippi. You will be Swag Kelly for life and you're good.

Russell Wilson will have a kid by February 2017

My new pick is Russell Wilson. Russell Wilson is deaf[initely]—now that I think about it, Russell Wilson is absolutely—he's going to have a kid. He for sure is having a kid. I'm going to call it February of next year.

The Vikings will make the playoffs with Sam Bradford

I think the Vikings are going to probably go to the playoffs now. [PFT: I think you're insane.] I think that their defense is good enough, and I think more than anything, it's a mental thing. You have to show your team that you're not going to just punt on the year.

A mayor is not a first responder, they are a 'fourth responder'

My understanding of what a first responder is, is when you see a disaster or trouble... those guys are going in. [Bloomberg] is not a first responder. He's the fourth responder.

If a fantasy league member dies after the draft but before the season starts, their players should go to waivers

I would say if the guy passes away after the draft and before the year starts, his whole team goes on waivers. Yeah, I'd say you do that.

Ohio State will win the Big Ten because they will be experienced by the end of the season

I went with Ohio State. And the reason is when they play their big games... By week 11, they'll be an experienced team. So I think they can win those two games [Michigan and Michigan State] and hence win the Big Ten this year.

Iowa has a chance of running the table and going 12-0 again in 2016

I think Iowa's got a chance of going 12-0 again this year... I think they've got a chance of running the table.

Florida State will win the 2016 National Championship

As far as the national title this year, I did go with Florida State... I think Florida State can take it all home this year.

CBS firing Mike Carey because of internet meaness sets a terrible precedent

But what CBS has done here is it sets a terrible precedent. Yes. Because if you cave into the Internet once, oh, boy, that's a lot of power that you're giving CBS basically said we can get anyone on their staff fired. Right.

Lions do not eat giraffes

I don't think that lions eat giraffes. No, I don't think so either. Giraffes would just kick the shit out of a lion and strangle them with their necks.

The Timberwolves will be the savior of Minnesota sports with Tom Thibodeau

The Timberwolves are going to be good. Tom Thibodeau is here to save you, Minnesota. So let's just... Sometimes it's good to just be like, you know what? Cancel this entire season. We're just going to go on to the next one. And guess what? The next one's pretty damn good.

LSU will win the College Football National Championship

On Saturday and the rest of the weekend, I picked LSU to win everything... My final team, and the winner is LSU. I think LSU wins it. You talk about, and you know, everyone's on Alabama. I'm not against Alabama, but if you look at LSU's recruiting classes... these guys are five, six, seven, eight. I mean, there's really, you know, there's not that much difference.

Ohio State will be a playoff team because they remind me of the 1986 Hurricanes

I like Ohio State. They remind me a lot of our 86th University of Miami team, Hurricanes. We had 12 players drafted. Ohio State had 12 players drafted. Everyone thought that we were gloom, doomed the next year, and we came back in 87 and won the national championship.

LeSean McCoy will have a massive bounce-back year in fantasy football

Take LeSean McCoy and your fantasy team. He was a mess last year. Philly was his home, right? He had all his boys there. Now he goes to Buffalo. I mean, I talked to him several times. I think he's got a new attitude. It's beyond him. Chip Kelly's gone. You know, everything's have changed. I look for him to have a big year.

Animals are better at gambling than humans

If there's one thing that I know about animals is that they're really good at gambling. You know how dogs can predict earthquakes? The octopus, he picked every single game [of the World Cup] correctly. So, yeah, Larry [the Goldfish] is going to absolutely kill it.

Bristol, Connecticut is the worst city in the United States

Bristol, Connecticut. I'm not saying that because of ESPN. I'm saying that because I've actually been to Bristol. If you look at TripAdvisor's top ten things to do in Bristol... one is a water park... and then three out of the other top four are like a museum of clocks. A clock museum... And then another one is the Museum of Fire.