Takes

Bigfoot is a prehistoric ape called Gigantopithecus that hides its tracks by burying its dead

There's actually a giant ape, a prehistoric ape called gigantopithecus... If they were burying their dead, it means that they have ways to cover up their tracks. So if they like kept going on this, they could definitely figure out ways to like totally avoid humans at all costs like secret tunnels and stuff under the woods.

Dayton would have beaten Kansas to win the National Championship this year

I think they can beat Kansas... having a rematch with the national player of the year the national Coach of the Year a mid-major. When's the last time I made major won a national championship? It's been a long time.

I'm becoming a Bill O'Brien fan because his stupidity has reached a level that is hilarious

I'm almost becoming a Bill O'Brien fan because there is that level where like you stupidity becomes so stupid that it's absolutely hilarious and you root for it because now he's an underdog. Well, if a really really stupid guys going up against a bunch of averagely smart guys... it seems like he's more in demand than DeAndre Hopkins even is.

Calvin Johnson is a better receiver at his peak than Terrell Owens and Marvin Harrison

I think [Calvin Johnson] is a better receiver at his Peak then T.O. and Marvin are. If you look at it has a higher yards per reception than everyone else that I just listed. He also has the the greatest receiving season in 122 receptions 1964 yards, and he was playing on the Lions.

Randy Moss is the best receiver in the history of the NFL

Randy Moss is the is the best receiver in the history of the NFL, Correct? I don't care what he did to [the] caterer in the barbecue... he was also the greatest wide receiver all time.

The virtual NFL Draft is a recipe for disaster and will be hacked

The idea of the NFL going 'Hey, we're going to do virtual draft' which by the way, that's it. That's the recipe for disaster. Oh, yeah people people are a thousand percent going to hack it and you're going to be like Andy Reid's going to be on an iPad trying to figure out what's going on in someone's going to send him a porn link or something.

The Redskins should take Tua Tagovailoa over Chase Young if they want a franchise QB

I'm started talked myself into Tua because I think that he has a better chance of being a great great quarterback than Dwayne [Haskins] does... If you need a quarterback, which you do, I think you kind of have to bite the bullet and take Tua.

AJ Soprano is the worst TV character of all time

AJ Soprano is the worst character of all time. I fucking hate it... Every time he came on I want to fast forward.

Vincent Chase is a terrible TV character

I think Vincent Chase is a fucking terrible character. Vinnie Chase. I hate Vinnie Chase... What does Vinnie Chase do that's memorable besides make stupid decisions, box smoke shows, and hang out and smoke weed?

There has never been a better time to get a cold sore than during the quarantine

How about this for positivity? There's never been a better time to get a cold sore. I'm just saying that if you do get cold sores now is like you're hitting the lottery if you get one you don't have to go into work for a couple weeks, no one's ever going to know.

2021 will feature both college football and college basketball played in the spring

I actually saw an idea... that looking more and more like the springtime in college sports is going to be both football and basketball next year. That would be crazy.

Bats are the worst animal because they take away things like March Madness

I'm gonna win the strap with first pick because it's the number one most Wanted animal in the world right now his ruined the entire world. It's bats. Bats fucking suck. Fuck bats. ... Secondary take away March Madness. Don't do ecosystems... I will never forget that we didn't get March Madness in 2020.

Billy Mitchell is an assistant who talks in the third person to reporters

Shawn Jones is definitely Billy, right? Talking the third person. That's absolutely it's an assistant that Billy made up like Trump made up John Baron back in the 80s to like talk to reporters and shit.

OJ Simpson should have been left off the NFL 100 list

OJ Simpson, like I get it, but I mean, come on, you could have very easily not put OJ Simpson on this list and nobody have been like, 'Hey, what the fuck? Why don't you put OJ Simpson on the list?'

Rolos are trash

And Rolos. Rolos are trash. You take a bite of Rolos, I feel like every time I take a bite of Rolos my tooth is coming out with it.

Flavored 'Water for Dogs' is a billion-dollar business idea

I came up with a billion dollar idea maybe quadrillion or trillion dollar idea: its water for dogs... why not a little flavored water for your dog? So you can either go with the Savory option and have it be like a bacon flavored water or bone broth water.

To be a successful NFL quarterback, you have to be an 'absolute weirdo'

To be a good quarterback in the NFL, you got to be an absolute weirdo. Okay, cool guys burn out. You can't be cool... real swag is no swag... winning multiple Super Bowls makes you weird.

Owning a tiger is a drug no different than smoking crack

I actually think that being around these animals is a drug... you get addicted to the rush of these awesome animals that kill you, but you don't think they can kill you because they grow up around you. Having a tiger in my opinion is no different than smoking crack for the first time. It's cool, I'm sure it feels great.

The 2003 Panthers team all took steroids at the same time

Jake Delhomme parentheses non-steroid Panthers. Because that team like when they went to the Super Bowl just everyone took steroids at the same time, it was awesome.

LaMelo Ball will be the number one pick in the NBA Draft

Melo was both of those [most popular and best guard]. So if you're going to start your franchise you want the people in them seats? You got to get Melo. Why wouldn't he be picked number one? Anthony Edwards and his wife? Who are they?

Jason Witten is a third-tier all-time tight end

I have Jason Witten in my third or fourth tier of tight ends in the lower pantheon of all time great tight ends... Most of the seasons it's like 600, 700, 900. He is second all-time in tight end receptions, second all-time in tight end yards, but I'm going to throw a flag on that.

Bill Belichick might tank this year to draft Trevor Lawrence

Is there a chance that the Patriots Bill Belichick is going to tank this year with Brian Hoyer as the quarterback and hear me out though hear me out. He'll bocek's [Belichick's] greatest coach of all time. Would that not also make him the greatest tanker of all time and then they somehow get Trevor Lawrence and it's another 20 years.

Wheaties taste like an old person's butthole

Wheaties. Mmm great boxes and they're great workers because they just they made everyone who wins an Olympic gold medal want to be on the cover of their cereal box, even though their cereal tastes like shit tastes like an old person's like butthole.

Zion Williamson will be fat coming out of the quarantine

I just realized that Zion's going to be so fat coming out of quarantine. Like all of us are going to gain weight. There's really you can't go to the gym.

Odell Beckham Jr. would have been the Rudy Gobert of the NFL regarding coronavirus

Actually Odell Beckham like he we talked about Rudy Gobert on Friday, but he definitely would have been the Rudy Gobert of NFL. He would have caught a touchdown and put on a mask and gloves and then like wait, where'd you get that? Like, I actually I just got it from like the training staff who got it from a hospital. Whoops. Now, I have coronavirus.

Game of Thrones Season 8 was so bad that no one will rewatch it even during quarantine

I tweeted that the 8th season was so insultingly bad that people about to be locked in their houses for weeks on end and no one's going to rewatch Game of Thrones.

David Blaine is the alpha in a room full of action stars

The alpha where yes... David Blaine obviously David Blaine is the alpha... it helped the Cheetos [Pacino] going. I gotta go to my therapist... This was like the most surreal shit I've ever done in my life.

Barnett and Amber from Love Is Blind will not work as a couple

I want to talk about Barnett because Barnett... he's a fuccboi the very distant definition of fuck boy and he's found his girl in Amber Who is the very definition of a hot mess. So you got a fuccboi in a hot mess. And those are two Unstoppable forces that are just going to rub up against each other until they get into a fight. Right. So that relationship is not going to work.

Professional and collegiate sports leagues got addicted to 'cancel culture' during the initial COVID-19 outbreak

I think they got addicted to cancel culture. It just felt very rash to be like everything's canceled forever. I would have almost rather they did just we're going to delay it two weeks and then two weeks later we're going to delay another two weeks until I get to football season. Let us just me asking it throughout the entire summer and give me the hope.

I will add a second team to my Pinky Bet next year

I'll add a second pinky team next year. I'll add a pinky team officially I will add a pinky team next year for that. I think it's very fair.

Intentionally contracting coronavirus is healthier than a normal March Madness routine

I think that intentionally contracting coronavirus at the start of March Madness is probably healthier on our bodies than what we normally do to it during March Madness, which is just live off nothing but chicken wings and delicious, copious amounts of Michelob Ultra.

Tom Brady will announce his return to the Patriots on July 17th

Tom Brady is going to announce that he's coming back to the Patriots on July 17th. It's the 199th day of 2020. [Reference to Brady being the 199th pick]

The butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through

I think the—let's be honest—the butt is the easiest hole to get any disease through.

Daylight Savings Time adds an hour of sun to the day

Hank thinks we've added an hour of sun with the change we have. [Hank:] We have an extra hour of sun this afternoon. Correct.

Kyrie Irving is a coach killer who got Kenny Atkinson fired

My other whose back is coach killer Kyrie. Oh, so Kenny Atkinson who was many people were saying was one of the better coaches last year took a young group... He got fired yesterday and people are saying it's Kyrie and KD... Kyrie change seventh head coach in nine NBA season Kyrie Irving.

DK Metcalf is like an aircraft carrier: powerful but unable to turn

I like to compare you to are. Craft carrier so I can you get you go you're powerful and you go straight and then you turn by degrees of like 1%... You tell everyone they're like, hey tomorrow we're going to turn and then they stay turn the aircraft Kurt.

Eli Manning had dinner with the Chicago Bears to discuss joining the team

Eli Manning was having dinner with the Bears last night. Allegedly Leroy heard that from a source close to the situation... I truly believe that Eli Manning was having dinner with some represented from the Bears last night.

The Houston Astros robbed the Yankees of a World Series title

I know that my Yankees got robbed. Then there's probably a lot of other teams that got robbed right? I mean, it's out there... Altuve got MVP when it should have been Judge. Yes extra Stripes. Yeah, I mean there's a lot of things that people have to you know, they've lost focus on.

Aaron Judge hasn't earned his Yankee Pinstripes yet because he hasn't won a World Series

He hasn't played a game [with Pinstripes]... he should have won a championship... You have to win a World Series [to earn them].

Bill Clinton using 'anxiety management' as an excuse for oral sex is an all-time spin zone

Bill Clinton said today... that he received oral sex in the white house because it was managing his anxiety... mental health is kind of buzzing right now. Like guys can talk about this. He saw Tyson cry and he's like, you know what? Yeah, I got sucked off because I was anxious.

LeBron James is exhibiting schizophrenic symptoms via his Instagram captions

His caption of him hitting that three-point shot... Me: I bet you won't. Me: Man who you talking to me. I'm talking to you... man you must not know me well... sounds like he's schizophrenic.

James Dolan staged the handshake with Spike Lee to create propaganda for the Knicks

I wouldn't put it past James Dolan. I would not at all this happens at all the time in spy movies and TV shows where you send somebody up to get long-distance snapshot of right looking like something inappropriate is happening and boom. You've got the propaganda right there.

Tom Brady is going back to New England

As we've said though on the show, he is going back to New England. Yes. We reported that we have reported that we put our reputation that we don't care about on that fact.

Kevin Ollie is the worst coach to ever win a National Championship

I assume Kevin Ollie's still looking for a job somewhere worst coach ever to win a National Title.

James Harden didn't poop himself; it was just bad wiping

I'm like a poop spatter analysis guy and to me that just looked like his prolonged exposure to small amounts of poop that was on his butt. I'm just thinking he didn't wipe well. That's not like a shit myself top-down stain.

Tom Brady hates everyone in the Patriots organization and wants to get out fast

I'm reading that as Tom Brady hates everyone in the Patriots organization is looking to get out of town as fast as possible.

Bill Belichick is interested in Andy Dalton to prove he can win with anyone

A lot of people have been saying the reverse that Bill Belichick would be interested in Andy Dalton because if you can win a Super Bowl with Andy Dalton, then everyone will say wow. This guy can do anything he walk on water.

Coronavirus is currently a solid 8-seed in the 'Who's Now' bracket

I'll say it to you this way in my who's now bracket. The Corona virus is a solid eight seed.

Joe Burrow is using 'Galaxy Brain' reverse psychology on the Bengals by saying he would play for them.

I think that this is Galaxy brain [Joe] Burrow because I think that he is showing intentionally such poor vision making process that he says that he will play for the Bengals so the Bengals be like, 'Oh fuck, we don't want him.' Boom, red flag. Who in their right minds would you want to play for the Bengals?

WeWork is a disaster that will inevitably go to zero.

You are a zero and you're going to zero with a bullet... It always goes to zero because what you're basically doing is taking long-term debt obligations to either lease or buy a building and then you're providing short-term leases to some really shitty companies that don't make any money... It is a disaster on wheels.