Takes

The Lions have already quit on Matt Patricia

The Lions already quit on Matt Patricia. I think he's already lost the locker room. I'm going to go all the way there... They already hate Matt Patricia. They already hate that stupid backwards hat and the trash bag he wears.

Josh Allen has the best upside of the 2018 draft class

The best upside of the draft class is Josh Allen. [Big Cat: Josh Allen. Yeah, there we go.]

NASA is only calling Pluto 'not a planet' to stay in the news

That was such a fucking classic. Is Pluto a planet? That was a classic NASA, like, we don't have enough shit to do, so we're going to make Pluto not a planet, and then in a few months we're going to be like, actually, just kidding, it is a planet... NASA likes to keep their name in the press.

Matthew Stafford will be a legitimate Hall of Fame candidate despite people thinking he sucked

Matt Stafford is going to go down as the best, worst quarterback of all time because his numbers – he doesn't get injured... He's played 10 years. He's only 30 years... His statistics will be so insane that he will be a legitimate Hall of Fame candidate. And everyone who watched him would be like, that guy sucked.

Jason Garrett will definitely be fired this year

I think that... This is absolutely the year that he [Jason Garrett] gets fired. He's going to lose to the Giants on Sunday night, by the way.

Fantasy football dehumanizes NFL players

I hate fantasy football. I just think it just dehumanizes the players. I think you put somebody in a place where they're not real, they're not human... this guy blew his fucking ACL out. Nobody really doesn't care about him as a human being just about how many points can he bring to his team.

85% of NFL players are scared at the moment of contact when tackling

Every time you look at it, it's very rarely that there's a couple guys in the NFL who are really just coming in and they form tackle the right way. But every time people duck their heads, at the moment of contact, 85% of everybody gets scared. If you look at it, people's eyes are closed. They're scared of it. It's human nature.

Ben Roethlisberger is bad now because he's too skinny

He's bad now that he's skinny. He doesn't know how to operate without all that extra padding around him. He just drops back, and since he doesn't have that padding, he's used to defensive ends just hitting him and bouncing off him or just being absorbed by his fat.

The Bengals are going to win the AFC North

Yeah, so my team that's going to win the [AFC] North, the Cincinnati Bengals... They have a ton of talent, and as long as Andy Dalton... Their color rush unis were fire.

Serena Williams was being a baby and stole the moment from Naomi Osaka

It felt to me like she was being a little bit of a baby and she was losing and wanted to kind of make a scene. And it sort of stole the moment from the person who actually did win, Naomi Osaka.

Matt Ryan stinks

Today is Friday, September 7th and Matt Ryan stinks. Is Matt Ryan hurt? Because he's not good.

Tom Brady will run for office in Massachusetts as a Democrat after he retires

I think that Tom Brady is going to run for office in Massachusetts after he's done playing football. And to win in Massachusetts when you're running for office, you typically have to be a Democrat. And Tom Brady has gone from having the Make America Great Again hat in his locker to now he's liking Colin Kaepernick's Instagram posts for the new ad campaign.

I like to root for excellence and the inevitable winner

I like the Red Sox and I like the Yankees. I like the storyline and I like teams that are great. I like excellence. I root for the inevitable. My brother Chad is a longtime Browns fan and Bengals fan and he just dwells in his misery. He's the exact opposite of me in that way. I like people who are good at what they do.

The Kobe/Shaq Lakers three-peat team would destroy the Steph Curry Warriors

I think that the Kobe/Shaq three-peat team would destroy Steph Curry's team. Because who would guard Shaq? Look, if they're going to bomb from outside and beat you, they will beat you, and that's it. But they're not coming inside, so just let them do it. Live and die by the three.

The Khalil Mack trade marks the beginning of a Bears dynasty

The Bears are back... The best trade that's ever been traded. I'm thinking like maybe even when the Cowboys did that trade with the Vikings, this is going to be the start of a dynasty.

The Bears will win 11 games in the 2018 season

How many wins do you think the Bears actually have in them this year? ... I'm going to say they're now in like the eight, nine category. I think they're going to get 11.

The Miami Hurricanes should officially retire the turnover chain after losing to LSU

If you were Miami, if you were a Mark Richt, if you were a Miami fan, you can't in good conscience keep the turnover chain alive. It's dead. At some point, you just have to have it be dead because it's hollow.

The 2012 49ers offensive line was the best in NFL history

I'm sitting in the huddle looking around at everybody like, dude, we're about to have a fucking parade. ... because we had like the best offensive line in history. ... Of the 2012 year. Our offensive line was rolling that year.

Matthew Stafford stinks as a quarterback, but he is going to be a Hall of Famer

I've stopped my Matthew Stafford slander. He's going to go in the Hall of Fame. You ready for that? Look at his stats. The pendulum has swung the other way. It sucks that I'm admitting it. Matthew Stafford, if you look at his statistics and if he keeps playing for as long as he's going to be, he's going to be a Hall of Famer. He stinks as a quarterback, but he's going to be in the Hall of Fame.

LSU finally has a legitimate starting quarterback in Joe Burrow

I think LSU has a quarterback now. Because the Ohio State coaches and Ohio State players, I don't think they were blowing smoke when they said Burrow was fairly close to Haskins... This dude could start most places. And if Burrow is pretty good, well, guess what? It's a totally different end.

Hugh Jackson has a future as a Lorne Michaels of comedy football

I actually think Hugh Jackson has a future as a Lorne Michaels. He's just been putting together the perfect comedy troupe of a football team for the last three years.

The US will win the World Cup in 25 years thanks to Cristiano Ronaldo's son

Cristiano Ronaldo's son is now playing for Juventus under nine. And he was born in San Diego, so he's an American citizen. We're going to win the World Cup in 25 years.

I bet Patrick Mahomes will not be a good quarterback

I am going to be on the, I don't think Patrick Mahomes is going to be a good quarterback side of history. So I'm going to stamp my, I'm going to put my flag in.

The 'Green Zone' on-field graphic will save the NFL's TV ratings

Breaking moves. I think the NFL has figured out how to save their ratings in their league. The green zone. It's a new feature they rolled out tonight. It's on third downs. It shows you how far players will have to go at any point during the play to get a first down.

Urban Meyer knew much more about the Zach Smith situation than the investigation report found

Saying Urban Meyer probably knew a lot more than this report has found... He probably remembers everything. And guess what? He's still coaching Ohio State, so he'll probably win a shitload of games. If your coach is good enough, they'll do the reverse engineering where instead of being like, let's find the facts, we'll be like, let's find the facts to make sure he stays as coach.

Brett Favre and Chad Ochocinco were the real reasons 'Joe Buck Live' was a disaster

Now look, the real culprits to me are fucking Chad Ochocinco and Brett Favre. They were the first 45 minutes of an hour show... and they were boars. They're typical like Dennis Rodman type stuff where they think just because they have orange hair or they change their name they could sit there... but they're just boring people.

I threatened to quit my HBO show if they didn't let Artie Lange return for the second episode

I said, I'm either going to have Artie on the show for the second one, or I'm not going to do the show. And I quit. I said, not that this is me walking out of the presidency of the United States... But I said, I'm employed at Fox. I'm doing the World Series and the Super Bowl. You don't know me... But if you think I can't laugh at this... I am not going to go out there and act like it didn't happen.

The tires on Post Malone's plane looked fine despite the emergency landing reporting

Are we staying woke on that, guys? ... a lot of people were saying, like, those tires look fine to me when the plane landed. ... those tires – They didn't look bad to me. That's all I'm going to say.

College referees are not good and officiating in college ruins the game

College refs ... are god-awful. They're not good in any sort of definition of the word. They're just bad referees. ... they sit a guy down and you get two fouls in five minutes and you basically don't play until the second half. And it ruins the whole game.

Kevin Durant joining the Warriors was a great decision for player autonomy

I like seeing a player ultimately do what he wants to do, what's going to make him happy, even if he pisses a bunch of people off. ... to just take a pay cut to take a pay cut makes zero sense. And no one in any other industry does that.

Teddy Bridgewater is not a better quarterback than Blake Bortles

Can I just say fuck everyone for thinking that Teddy Bridgewater is better than Blake Bortles? ... Blake had a bad wrist last year, and he got it cleaned up. And he was a quarter away from the Super Bowl, so everyone just shut up.

No baseball player will ever hit .400 again unless they cheat

Do you think anybody's going to hit 400 again? No. No. Only way they'll hit 400 is a cheat. ... Nobody hit 400.

The Eagles will miss the playoffs because Nick Foles and Carson Wentz are both injured

So when I'm doing the math, I think the Eagles just have two hurt quarterbacks for the entire year, and they're going to miss the playoffs. Hot take.

Marcus Mariota or Jameis Winston will officially be labeled a bust this year

One of those two guys [Mariota or Winston] is going to suck again and we go bust, bust, bust.

Jared Goff is a front runner for the 2018 NFL MVP

Jared, a lot of people are saying MVP candidate this year. I'm putting it out there right now. I think I said front runner MVP for 2018, right?

A-Rod moving to third base makes him an all-time sidekick

My next one is going to be A-Rod. Move to third base. Before he ever won anything.

The Rams will make the Super Bowl this season

[Are you guys going to the Super Bowl this year?] Man, we better. We've got a good team. We've got good pieces in place.

I am not a fan of Europe and didn't enjoy staying in London

I don't love staying in London. The city of London is great. We stayed like an hour outside of London. Food is not great. And there's not really much to do. And I just don't, I'm just not a huge fan of Europe.

Paxton Lynch is the worst draft pick of all time

Paxton Lynch is going to totally get off the hook here. People will just forget he existed, but I will not let him off the hook because... Paxton Lynch stinks, and he's going to probably end up making whatever it was, $15 million for being a first-round pick. That guy needs to be like – someone needs to write a book. Paxton Lynch stinks.

I hate Sam Bradford and Aaron Rodgers most among quarterbacks

Probably most well-known is Sam Bradford because he went number one over me. But Aaron Rodgers is for sure up there. [Bradford]'s a good player. He's obviously done it for many years... but it's always enjoyable to get sacks and interceptions off of him.

Texas should not have had the final second to kick the winning field goal in the 2009 Big 12 Championship

They definitely shouldn't have had an opportunity to kick that field goal. Things happen for a reason... still don't know what that reason is for that particular situation... it was a little controversial to say the least.

Tiger Woods means more to the sport of golf than any other athlete means to their specific sport

The Tiger effect is very real. I mean, we knew this was going to happen, but it just goes to show, like, I don't think there's ever been someone who's meant more to one specific sport than Tiger Woods to golf.

I regret throwing the ball on 2nd and 10 in field goal range during Super Bowl 51

The one regret I had is after we got down there was throwing it on second and 10. I wish I just ran it. But I also didn't plan on us getting a sack. We got four guys out, thought we could end it right there, and I thought if it wasn't, we'd throw it away, and we didn't.

Saquon Barkley is a future Hall of Famer

Saquon Barkley, future Hall of Famer. His legs look even bigger in pads.

Men should never use 2.5-pound plates at the gym

Men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever. Ever. ... You went up two and a half pounds today. Like, men shouldn't use the two and a half plates ever.

Sex bots will be perfected before robot umpires or doctors

I think we're going – if history has taught us anything, it's that sex is always on the bleeding edge of technology. So after we perfect sex bots – Then we'll get around to making things like doctors, surgeons. Robot umps and robot baseball players.

Ohio State fans should have learned not to hold rallies before the facts are out from the Penn State / Joe Paterno situation

I feel like we should have learned our lesson with the Joe Paterno rallies. Maybe wait until we figure everything out before you do like an entire impromptu rally at the stadium being like Free Urban Meyer. I can't really wrap my head around these people because I would assume these are the same people that if you bash Urban Meyer on Twitter, they will reply with, wait till all the facts come out. But then they also held an entire rally with none of the facts out.

Chevy Chase ruined the reputation of comedy sets for everyone

I think comedy shows have that reputation [of being competitive or mean] because of Saturday Night Live. Chevy Chase ruined it for everyone. Chevy Chase was such a colossal dickhead. He ruined everything. Everything since then, everyone's like, oh, you have to be a dickhead to be in this show business.

No ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl

I was on the radio with recurring guest Fred Smoot today... we were talking about who's going to win the MVP this year, and he came out with an awesome take. He said that no ugly quarterback has ever won a Super Bowl. I think it's a trick question because once you win a Super Bowl, you become attractive. You get the glow up.

Urban Meyer's defense in the Zach Smith scandal is just 'passing the buck' to Gene Smith

Urban Meyer has figured out his defense, and it is kind of what we all expected. He released a statement... and he basically went with the, I have always followed proper reporting protocols... Gene Smith, you are pretty much fucked and Urban Meyer's just gonna say yeah he told everyone and it's your fault for not doing anything.