Takes

The Houston Texans are better off without J.J. Watt

I want their team to go so far in the playoffs that are the Houston Texans better without J.J. Watt takes start to heat up. Because if they win, I'll say if they win two playoff games. Yeah, if they win two playoff games, you're going to get those takes, and I'm here for those.

The Green Bay Packers are not built for cold weather at Lambeau Field

You know what my favorite take is? The Packers aren't built for Lambeau. They're playing in the wrong stadium. This is a new look. Yeah, they almost wish they were somewhere else. They wish they didn't have a home game.

Grayson Allen's tripping incidents are victimless pranks that don't actually matter

The thing about Grayson Allen that I absolutely love is that all of this is victimless and it doesn't actually matter. The stakes are non-existent in this story. And we pretend like they are because we just love to hate Duke so much. But he's sticking his foot out and tripping guys and they kind of just trip over and they look up like, what the fuck was that? And then they move on. And it's not like he's putting anyone's life in jeopardy.

Coach K's leave of absence was a PR move to shield Grayson Allen from the headlines

My theory is that the Coach K leave of absence is one to take headlines away from Grayson. Because that's all he was talking about. And K said, if I step away—and by the way, both of these things are happening right after they get smoked at Virginia Tech. That's not a coincidence either.

Boston sports fans would love Gordon Hayward because he is a white player

A lot of stuff in the news about Gordon Hayward and Boston fans booing Jae Crowder, cheering for Hayward. Then Bomani Jones got on the air and said that Boston fans would absolutely love Gordon Hayward, which I think they would. I don't think that's out of bounds.

Tom Brady is a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played well in his absence

Well, [Brady] is also a system quarterback because Jimmy Garoppolo played pretty well. So, yeah. You can't give it to a system quarterback.

Sam Bradford had the best season for a quarterback in NFL history

Sam Bradford... he won the completion percentage, the greatest completion percentage in NFL history. Had a pretty damn good year... Sam Bradford, best quarterback in NFL history, best season.

You cannot be a serious basketball analyst if you never played the game

I just want to ask these fucking nerds. Like, did you ever play? ... If you are a basketball dude and you never played basketball, even in your heart of hearts, and you took it seriously, it's hard for me to take you seriously. Because anybody could play basketball, really, until any age.

Planes should have giant parachutes to prevent crash landings

I was watching the movie Sully... and I was just wondering, why don't planes just build parachutes so if that happens they can just parachute down and not have to worry about crash landing? Like inside the plane so it's like oh shit the engine's failed, pop parachute, safe.

Chip Kelly will be the offensive coordinator for LSU

I'm just going to put this out here. Chip Kelly to LSU. Offense coordinator? I'm just saying, Chip Kelly to LSU, even though him and Coach O, they don't speak the same language.

The 2016 Giants defense might be better than the two Super Bowl winning defenses

I will say that the [2016] defense might be a little bit better than our two Super Bowl defenses.

College kickers who wear towels on their hips are soft

You know another thing that pisses me off is when you watch these college guys and they have shields and sweet towel. They have a towel hanging off their hip like they're about to go take a center snap. You're a fucking kicker. Like kick the ball. No one cares what you look like.

Coach K isn't actually hurt because you coach with your spine, not your back

Hurt or injured, Coach K? I'd say neither. You don't coach with your back. You coach with your spine. And I know that sounds counterintuitive. It's like you coach with your spine, bro.

Gary Kubiak needs to stay around football or his health will decline immediately

Kubiak strikes me as a guy that could pull a Joe Pop... like the second you step away from the game, a football guy needs to be around football or else his health goes downhill. It's counterintuitive for Kubiak, but I think the more he coaches, the more healthy he's going to be.

Adam Morrison has an apocalypse bunker and is fully equipped for the end of the world

The guy is fully equipped if there was an apocalypse. He's got food stashed in the way, everything. So he could survive anything. He's got guns, everything. He's got a bunker, everything. He's a pro. I don't think I can compare myself to him because I know all that stuff.

I am ground zero for sports celebrity for non-athletes

He [SI Reporter] said, you're the first sports star. I mean, what the hell is a sports star? Star for sports. You're the first guy to become a sports celebrity that wasn't an athlete. And it's really good. You pay it forward. You're really nice to everybody. You take strangers with you. And we have nothing to compare you to. You are ground zero for sports stars.

The Giants will beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl again this year

We also correctly predicted, I think, that they're [the Giants] going to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl again this year. Oh. So pat ourselves on the back for that.

Steve Smith wouldn't even dare to get in a wrestling ring

Steve Smith wouldn't even get in the ring... But he wouldn't. We can put that challenge out right now to him.

Wrestling is definitively real

Is wrestling real? Yes. Great answer. Most definitely. And anybody that doesn't think it is should come down for a workout one day.

Christian McCaffrey lacks the genetic benefits and pedigree of Leonard Fournette

When you look at Christian McCaffrey, this is a guy that's had to scrap and work and motor and study and think his way to everything that he is today. And then you look at Leonard Fournette, and he's got all the great genetics in the world, whereas a guy like Christian McCaffrey doesn't have that benefit, doesn't have the pedigree.

The Rams should consider rehiring Jeff Fisher for consistency

I think what you need in L.A., and this might go contrary to popular opinion, you need somebody with a steady hand, somebody that's done this type of thing before, someone that's saved the course, consistency, a Jeff Fisher type, for example. So maybe we can get that rumor going, that the Rams are... They're willing to take Jeff back.

The NCAA is struggling so much that they cannot even afford to pay their labor costs

If you paid attention last week, they announced that I think four bowl games this year didn't have a sponsor. So thoughts and prayers to the NCAA. I don't know how they're going to make any money with all their labor costs being what they are.

LeBron James sat out against Memphis just to distract people from his Photoshop hair fail

I actually think he did this purposely to get the story about him missing this game so people would stop talking about his Sportsman of the Year award where they forgot to Photoshop his hair back on.

Grown men over the age of 30 should stop using the word dude

When did the word dude become part of the speech. I don't like that... I really don't mind when someone, a teenager or early 20s, uses it. But when you get older, the thing I hate the most is someone my age using it.

Tiger Woods switched to Bridgestone golf balls so he can blame the equipment for his poor play

I like the choice by Tiger because you go off brand, you can always blame the balls... I thought these balls had the spin and distance and torque that I needed for my game. I was wrong. That's why I broke my back again and it had nothing to do with the steroids.

If a dildo hit a receiver and caused a fumble, the down would likely be replayed

I mean, if the official feels like that something, you know, that's not connected with the game has an effect on the play, then he can order the play replayed. Much like they're talking about in the Raider Kansas City, they're saying that that long pass may have hit the NBC guide wires of the overhead camera. And if it does, there's actually a rule that covers that that says you just do it over again.

Jeff Fisher would have broken the all-time loss record if he hadn't been fired

[Speaking of the all-time loss record] Absolutely. He was [going to get it].

The subway should have a 'fart car' with a discounted monthly pass

There should be a discounted train pass for a fart car. But would you not pay like 50% less a month on your train pass if – but you can only ride in the fart car?

Matt Barkley is the real deal as an NFL quarterback

Matt Barkley, real deal. Matt Barkley and Daniel Braverman, ladies and gentlemen. Write it down.

Ryan Tannehill's ACL injury is a good thing for his job security

I'm going to go with actually this is a good thing for him because that means that Tannehill gets another year. You can't judge him at the end of next year because it takes two years to come back from an ACL.

Tim Duncan's massive back tattoo is a viral marketing stunt

To me, this screams viral marketing stunt... I would expect him to get such a lame back tattoo. But this is what happens when people retire from things. They end up falling into the first viral trap that their PR person brings in... We're going to get a big back tattoo that's fake. And then a week from now, you'll come out and be like... my tattoo artist has my back. You know who's got your back? It's Fidelity.

Derek Carr is a cold-weather choker

Derek Carr, not [a cold-weather quarterback]. No, in fact, he's a cold-weather choker. He played, what, at Fresno State? Cali boy. Soft. Can't trust the soft Cali boys.

The NFL should trade coaches between the best and worst teams every year

I'd like to see at the end of every season the worst team trade coaches with the best team and see what happens the next year. Just a quick quirky little rule change.

Heisman winners should be eligible for the NFL Draft regardless of age

Whoever wins the Heisman should be eligible for the draft no matter what. If they're a freshman, it's your golden ticket.

LeBron James makes every viral trend lame and manufactured

I just realized that this is – LeBron is Disney. He's like, if there's a meme on the internet, he's going to do it in the most Disney lame move ever. You know, like the mannequin challenge. Oh, they did the mannequin challenge at the White House. He just makes everything so fucking lame.

RG3 will dislocate his pelvis on Sunday

I'm going to go injured. I think he dislocates the pelvis. It's the big one. It's like the San Andreas quake. A lot of tremors the last few years.

Philadelphia fans have lost their edge and gotten soft

I feel like Philly's lost its edge recently. Philly has definitely lost its edge. Yeah, Philly, you guys haven't booed anyone who's hurt their spine recently? Philly's been eating shit and you guys haven't been doing anything... I think Philly's gotten soft. Lost its edge.

Jeff Bezos is using Alexa to listen to every conversation in your house

Stay woke on this. Jeff Bezos just told everybody that he's listening to every conversation that you have in your house and keeping track of it.

Boxing is a sport that almost nobody actually participates in

Mayweather's very good at what he does, but he is in a sport that nobody participates in. ... I never met a man that boxed. I could go a step further. I don't know where a boxing gym is. ... I couldn't tell you where to go to buy boxing gloves. And now that I just said it, you guys and all your listeners are going, yeah, he's right. Nobody boxes.

Neither Penn State nor Wisconsin will make the College Football Playoff

No, neither team is going to get in [to the Final Four]. And the committee, let me tell you how this works... they wouldn't have put Michigan at number five if they really were anticipating putting the winner of this game in.

Ezekiel Elliott's 'feed me' celebration is problematic because of world hunger

This celebration is kind of problematic. A lot of people out there don't have food. They're hungry. They don't have soup. They don't have cereal. Ezekiel Elliott's just out there wasting it. He's basically saying, look how rich I am. I can eat.

The MLB ban on chewing tobacco is an infringement on a player's right to get cancer

I think it's offensive to me. You should have the right to get cancer if you want it. And you're stealing that right from baseball players.

Rob Gronkowski is the best player in the NFL

I honestly think he's the best player in the NFL.

Al Horford should not have missed a game for the birth of his child because basketball is forever

Al Horford skipped a game to be with his wife who is having a kid. But come on, man. They could have lost. It's a kid. Kids come and go. Basketball is forever.

Voters are more likely to support political change when their local NFL team is losing

When your football team is good, you're more likely to vote for an incumbent. And when your football team's bad, you're more likely to vote for a new guy. The Jaguars and Dolphins sucked up until Election Day. Wisconsin voted Trump. Steelers sucked at the start of the year, Pennsylvania voted Trump. Carolina Panthers suck, North Carolina voted for Trump too.

It is completely unfair to judge Jeff Fisher on his losing record

LA Rams COO Kevin Demoff said it's unfair to judge head coach Jeff Fisher on record. Kings stay Kings. Everybody will want to judge Jeff through the prism of just the record, but that's totally unfair when you look at the set of circumstances he was handed this year.

Ohio State is not a lock for the College Football Playoff if Penn State wins the Big Ten

If Penn State beats Wisconsin... I think you're looking at either two Big Ten teams in or you're looking at Penn State in and Ohio State out. Now, that's very, like, no one agrees with me on this... Kirk Herbstreit, those guys are saying, no, they're saying, you know, Ohio State's a lock... And I don't know how they can comfortably say that.

The 2016 Big Ten Championship game is rigged for Wisconsin to win

The Big Ten titles game is going to be rigged in favor of Wisconsin this time. Because last time, the 59-0 Ohio State. That was rigged. Wisconsin. Gary Anderson was fired recently. Left right away. It all makes sense.

The next Texas head coach is already on the hot seat

My hot seat, the next Texas coach. Just throw him on the hot seat right away. Because guess what? Texas winning culture. Haven't won in a while.

J.J. Watt’s Players' Tribune article is basically erotic fan fiction he wrote about himself

One was wearing a 99 jersey with my name on the back, and another was wearing shoes with my logo on them... That was some fucking fan fiction erotic art shit for J.J. Watt. He hired a J.J. Watt mega fan to write that passage.