Takes

The Bruins are the greatest regular season hockey team ever and will dominate the playoffs

I'm all out on this team. This team is different. They're the greatest hockey team I've ever watched in the regular season. They're the greatest regular season team of all time. They're gonna dominate, they're gonna run through these playoffs.

I will join the 1,000 pound club naturally within a year

Challenge myself and I'm gonna get hurt. And that's gonna suck... I'm gonna try to do a thousand pound club, Billy... It's deadlift, squat, bench. A thousand pounds... I'm doing it all natural. No, I'm doing it. It's either all natural or can't do.

No one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate is over 150 BPM

No one should be, no one should be judged for their actions when their heart rate's over 150 beats per minute. I agree with that. That that's what I believe.

I officially hate t-shirt weather because I am not physically ready for it

My fire fest is, it happens every year... it's t-shirt weather again. And I'm not ready. I'm wearing spanks again. I'm back on the spanks. So this is a temporary, like a bandaid over a gaping, gaping wound... I gotta figure out how to lose like 40 pounds.

I won't buy a golf bag until I break 130

I'm building myself up like a video game character in golf where I'm not allowing myself to get a golf bag until I break 130. That means that I'm carrying around a full set of clubs whenever I go to golf anywhere... I've literally taken a belt and I've wrapped it around my golf clubs and tightened it to keep them all together.

Dentists are a scam

Dentists are a scam. You don't have a cavity until somebody tells you you have a cavity. People don't go to the dentist when their teeth are feeling great.

Snake owners are absolute weirdos and potential serial killers

It's serial killer vibes to be a pro snake... Snakes literally have had the worst rap. Deservedly so in the history of animals... Just get a dog.

Juju Smith-Schuster is a piece of shit and AJ Brown would beat him up

He's a piece of shit. Like, I don't know who he thinks he is... AJ Brown would beat the absolute fucking... AJ Brown would've. AJ Brown basically said, said that he would, he would beat the fuck out of him if he's keep talking about him.

The new PLL Sixes format is the best lacrosse product and will replace regular rules

I think the new, the new PLL championship series six is, is actually I think like the best lacrosse product I've ever seen. Like I think it's gonna replace regular, the regular rules. I think this is how the game is gonna be played in the future. It's the best lacrosse product you can put out.

Anthony Richardson will be the #1 overall pick in the NFL Draft

I'm all the way back in on Anthony Richardson... he also knows I love value... Anthony Richardson +10,000 or whatever, 100 to 1 to go number one... I'm reading all the articles, trying to just will him to somehow become the number one overall pick.

Vacations are for suckers and losers

Full stop. Fucking work hard. Hank vacation. Boy, you're soft bitch. All these vacations you're taking. I didn't even like doing it. I wanted to be working with the boys... vacations for suckers and losers.

Fried lobster is the most delicious thing I have ever eaten

I had fried lobster for the first time in my life. That's all I've been thinking about. It was the most delicious thing I've ever ate.

I'm going to beat Billy McFarland in a fight and donate the winnings to the people of the Bahamas

Billy McFarland is down to fight you... Fire fist. Billy verse Billy... It's a battle for the people of the Bahamas. The good people of the Bahamas that sacrificed so much and got so very ripped off... I'm gonna beat his ass. Gonna skull fuck him.

Punxsutawney Phil is a fraud and a 'wannabe Greta Thunberg'

My big fire fest is really for America... because you guys are letting a groundhog ruin your day today. Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow... be a fucking man... I'm going to wear shorts and short-sleeve t-shirts just to show that little wannabe Greta Thunberg telling me the sky is falling.

I am having a third child and I purposefully conceived to ensure it wouldn't be born during football season

I'm having another child, so congrats. Father three loading... early June... Are you purposely conceiving for the off-season? I mean, yeah... it's nice not having children during football season. I am a football guy.

I will cut my hair short by the summer if it doesn't improve

I'm dealing with my hair issue... noticeably thinning out back there. I've made the executive decision if it doesn't improve by the summer, we're taking it off. We're going short... I got my own blood injected into my head earlier today... if I haven't turned it around by then, gotta come home.

I am officially refusing to wear flip flops in gym showers or steam rooms

I've been going in the gym's shower and the steam room with no flip flops and I'm disgusted by myself... [but] I'm never getting flip flops. Fuck it. I'm never getting flip flops.

I need to become less fun than my son's toys so he stops waking me up in the middle of the night

Last night [my son] got up at one in the morning... he was just sitting next to my bed, wasn't saying anything, just sitting there. I caught him the other day doing this at three in the morning... slowly opening the door with his hands like a ninja. I need to become less fun than his toys. He has toys in there and he's like, 'I'd rather hang out with dad' at 1:00 in the morning.

The NBA Western Conference is trash while the Eastern Conference is stacked

I watched the Nuggets, absolutely smoked the Clippers... damn, the Nuggets are good. The Western conference isn't that great this year. ... The Western conference is trash. The Eastern conference is stacked. Stacked.

We don't actually know how strong gorillas are because they haven't been trained in powerlifting

Actually trained a gorilla in powerlifting—so we don't really know how strong they actually possibly could be. Also, with their enclosures and zoos, we don't actually know if they just choose to stay in there and can actually break out of anything we design.

I am losing 25 pounds in 2023 for my 'hard body' year

2023 is a hard body year. I'm gonna get a hard body... I'm losing 25 pounds in 2023. Losing 25 pounds in 2023... January 1st, new me.

The New York Yankees were given juiced baseballs for Aaron Judge's home run chase

A report came out saying that the Yankees were beneficiaries of having juice balls all last year. The Yankees were getting juice balls. Asterisks on his home run record, on his AL home run record. I mean, Jake, how can you discount that? They were purposely giving the best balls in baseball to the New York Yankees last year.

Modern truck auto-stop engine technology is dangerous and poorly designed

Every time you stop, it'll go to a full stop, the engine turns off... The thing is the car has to turn off and start back up again. And if people know, like the more miles you get on a truck, the more times you start a truck, the engine's gotta turn over... It happened to me in a busy ass intersection and I couldn't get the truck back started... putting people like myself in danger.

Turnovers increase the likelihood of succeeding on a 4th down or 2-pt conversion via 'vibe' multipliers

Basically the percentage of converting a two point conversion or on fourth down basically gets increased depending on what type of turnover happens before that possession... after an interception, a fourth down conversion or a two point conversion increases by let's say 110%.

Eating 14 hot dogs in 12 hours is not a lot of food

When you say 14 hot dogs in 12 hours isn't that much. It's not. That's a fat ass statement. Not that you're a fat ass, but... it's really just dealing with Stu Feiner all the time.

I can survive for three weeks on the streets as a stray dog

How long do you think you could survive on the streets? Like a stray? Three weeks. I'm a warrior. I survived out there.

I am officially in my annual 'betting unders' phase

I'm starting to like betting unders and it's a phase I don't like and I do it every year. I win one under and I'm like, that was easy. I'm deep in it right now. I only look at the board and I'm like, 'Oh, I love all these unders.' It's gross. I'll phase out of it and get back to betting on the over for games that I like the under.

Ime Udoka's suspension from the Celtics is a messy, public drama nightmare

My Fyre Fest besides the Celtics coach getting suspended for a year... for what? Disgustingly messy public drama. Yeah, that sucks. The only crime he did was his dick was too hard.

New York is a bad sports town because Yankees fans celebrate team records too much

This is embarrassing that [Yankees fans] are celebrating this hard when they just went down from four to three in the bottom of the ninth. Are the Yankees a bad sports town? Yes... I just don't get all the hoopla around it... Whatever, it's a team record. He's going for a team record.

Fans who return historic baseballs for little reward are likely getting paid secretly

I have a take. I think that [MLB teams] are paying these guys a lot, but they don't make it public how much they're giving them because they don't wanna raise the price for future type memorabilia. All those times you're like, oh, this person's stupid for just taking that much... I think they're getting paid off behind the scenes.

Seahawks fans deserved to lose the SuperSonics

The Seahawks take, which was correct... I think what people got really mad about is when you said like you deserve to lose the Sonics. Yeah. That Joe sports... because the Sonics like just straight up, they left, they fucked over the city of Seattle.

Andrew Luck was a 'busted chaw' and is an overrated quarterback

Andrew luck busted chaw, badge for town. Okay. Fact game over and debate. I've had people fucking bitching and complaining... Andrew luck was great? Even though he was four and four in the playoffs. And then they're like, oh, it was offensive line. They had a great offensive line and he quit.

Tuna is the beef of the sea and Salmon is the chicken of the sea

Tuna is the beef of the sea. Salmon's the chicken of the sea. [Big Cat: Tuna cans literally say chicken of the sea.] No, because it's red. It's the beef.

I may be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life due to a lone star tick bite

Turns out I must have stepped on a lone star tick nest... and I got bitten by a bunch of lone star tick larva... which the good news is the larva don't transmit Lyme's... but they can give you an Alpha-gal allergy. That means that Alpha-gal is in all red meat and dairy and I, I might be allergic to red meat and dairy for the rest of my life. I had to go vegan for a month before I get the test... I contracted veganism.

Hangovers at age 37 are a traumatic experience that ruins your entire week

I'm pre upset at myself for how shitty I'm going to feel on Saturday and Sunday... I know I can reach my peak. It's just the, when I reached my peak, the aftermath is very, very difficult to bounce back with. So I'm, I probably won't feel good again until mid next week. So yeah, pre fire-festing the hangover and the regret that I have from going on a bachelor party at 37.

We are banned from the Beacon Theater because of James Dolan

Part of my take was slated to do a live show in New York city at the beacon theater... I just got information that that date has been pulled from us because James Dolan owns the beacon theater. And we are the fucking bad boys of podcasting. We're banned from the beacon theater because of James Dolan.

It is cringeworthy for one adult to use the word 'potty' when talking to another adult

The person who was working the like little cafe... was like, I gotta, I'm putting up this sign. I gotta go to the potty. And it's been in my head since, and I don't like another adult telling another adult I have to go use the potty is the most cringeworthy. Like I can't get outta my head.

We are getting ripped off because guests aren't paying us $50,000 to appear on the podcast

We're getting ripped off as a podcast because that came out yesterday saying that people are paying up to $50,000 to appear on podcast. No one's ever even approached us and asked us to pay for coming on our podcast. In fact, it's only been the other way around... We should start billing people that have already been on the show.

I was the first to report that Trevor Penning is a savage

There's this dude I've been watching since early college... Trevor Penning. I kind of feel like one of those guys, like I was following them when they're small. So now basically he just got kicked out of Saints camp for going too hard. He's an absolute animal... now everyone's on it... I was there when he was doing this. Just make sure the internet knows that Billy had it first.

Neutrogena has discontinued the face wash I have used my entire life

I'm pretty sure the face wash I've been using my whole life has been discontinued... probably like middle school. And I've gone to like five or six CVSs... Neutrogena website, sorry for the inconvenience we're sold out. On Amazon it's going for $70. I've transferred to Cetaphil.

Icing injuries is actually bad for recovery

Turns out ice is bad. I'm actually going to write a blog on that. There's tons of ice and cold is terrible for healing. It shuts down your inflammatory response, which actually is healing... ice is bad for like muscle gaining and like cold plunges are kind of good, but it's not you.

I genetically cannot get a six-pack

I'll also never promise a six pack during the summer ever again. I am [getting there] but no. I don't think you genetically can get a six pack. Absolutely. I'm kidding. It's not everyone can get one. No, I am. I'm on the road there.

Wednesday is the worst night of the week for an adult to get drunk

I learned when I was like 34 years old to never, ever drink on a Wednesday. Wednesday is the worst night of the week to get drunk on by far... Thursday is a wash, Friday you're stricken with panic. You can't even enjoy your Friday cause you're trying to catch up on everything that you missed on Thursday.

Monday is the worst night of the week to drink

Doing anything bad to your body on a Monday is just like a killer way to start off a week. Like it will just completely bare... I still think Monday would be the worst. I think if you start, if you really drunk on Monday night, your whole week is fucked. You're just fucked.

The new lacrosse movie will be as impactful for the sport as Drive to Survive was for F1

The sport was honestly amazing. It was like, I think that it's going to be as huge for lacrosse as DRS [Drive to Survive] is revive was for F1. It was an amazing feature.

Blogging was easier in the early 2010s because there were fewer bloggers and more unique topics

I think you blogged a different era. I will say... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics to blog she could get... I mean, there was less bloggers and there was more topics.

The Warriors are dead

My fire Fest is obviously a, the warriors is dead. I truly believe that.

I'm betting on a Subway Series between the Mets and Yankees in the World Series

I'm putting in subway series, future. The Mets and the Yankees to meet in the world series. I think it's 14 to one... I just want to see it in this office and the chaos that ensues.

Sneezing in public is one of the most taboo and awkward things you can do

Sneezing in public has gotta be like the most awkward... oh it's so taboo now. And it always was taboo with it's really when you're driving, I think it's super dangerous... But there's nothing you can do. Like you can try to hold it in. But when you have allergies... there's nothing.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will return from retirement halfway through the 2022 season

Ryan Fitzpatrick just retired. Ah, damn. He'll be back. Yeah. That's not a real retirement. No chance. Halfway through the season, somebody gets hurt. [He'll be] back. No chance.