Takes

NBA players are happier today than they were 20 years ago because of mental health awareness

I think they're happier because... they're also more mental health aware. You know, they're not just like, oh, don't be a pussy. Right? It's like, get yourself some help. Right? I'm with you, bro. Let me show you some love.

The Dallas Mavericks are officially contenders to win a championship this year

Are we officially contenders? For sure. I mean, you know, it takes time to adjust to a new coach. We're 18 and six over the last 24 games. Our defense is top three and our offense is top 10. If you're a top 10 offense and a top five defense, you have a chance to compete for a title.

Alex Ovechkin is the greatest goal scorer of all time but I disavow his political ties

He's a great hockey [player], probably the greatest goal scorer of all time... I disavow Putin, OVI. [Ovechkin] was raised from a child being an elite athlete in Russia... he's been indoctrinated.

Interacting with other parents is the absolute worst part of parenting

My son's school closed because of construction permanently and I got stuck in a WhatsApp thread with a bunch of parents who wanted to sue. This is not what I like—being a parent is awesome of your children. Having to interact with other parents is the worst.

Juwan Howard has a legitimate anger problem

This is he's a repeat offender. He is. So he had that. He also claimed last year that Mark Turgeon... was coming at him and he had to defend himself... He's gotten some weird technical fouls where he's like yelled at people.

The Juwan Howard incident was great for college basketball

I'm smashing the good for college basketball button. Of course it is awesome for college basketball... Rivalries in college sports where it's always on the cusp of turning violent. That's just good for the sport and nothing bad happened.

LeBron James ruined the dunk contest by never participating in it

LeBron ruined the dunk contest by never doing it. Correct though. Setting the precedent. [He's the] best players to never do it. He ruined it by saying he was going to do it too. You remember that? Yeah. And then just never did it.

The NBA should put a $2 million prize on the dunk contest to attract star players

I think what they should do, they should just put a shit load of money in the pot for the winner of the dunk contest. It's very simple. Just get a big sponsor. Get everybody to pitch in. You should be like $2 million for the winner.

LeBron James is a shitty general manager

I don't think that people give enough credit to LeBron for being such a shitty general manager. He's actually not good at it. And, but in another way, he's very good at it. And that Russell Westbrook was the perfect guy for LeBron to get on the team to be like, 'this is why we're bad because of him.'

LeBron James is intentionally sabotaging the Lakers so they can draft Bronny

He's trying to fuck up the Lakers roster so badly that they will be in a position to draft Bronny. So then he goes back to Cleveland and then he comes back to LA to play with Bronny.

LeBron forcing his way onto Bronny's team will stunt Bronny's growth

Bronny Jr. is probably going to not even want that dude... if you see any of the draft projections or watch him play, it's like, he's good. He's not lottery pick good. But someone's going to spend a first round pick on him cause they can then get LeBron... there's a chance it could really suck for Bronny.

Aaron Rodgers macro-doses mushrooms and LSD in the offseason

If you don't believe my take that Aaron Rodgers is straight up macro doses mushrooms and LSD in the off season, go listen to his most recent interview... he's doing some really freaky shit.

Aaron Rodgers will never leave the Packers because the NFC North is too easy

He probably did the Panchakarma cleanse and was like, wait, I played the Vikings, the lions and the bears. Why would I leave that? Like you get kick our ass... I think he, he, he clearly wants back with his ex.

Phil Mickelson basically 'yada yada-ed' Saudi Arabia's human rights violations for money

Phil Mickelson, oopsie... he just kind of, you know what he did, he yada yada yada'd Saudi Arabia beheading homosexuals. He was like, 'listen, say what you want about their human rights violations... but they're going to pay me a shit load of money to go play golf over there.' ... He said Saudi Arabia has a lot of things that give me pause, but it could also make me a lot of money. I think that's all the context that you need.

The Winter Olympics ratings decline is due to a lack of NHL pros in hockey

The average total audience was 11.4 million viewers for the 2022. And that's a sharp decline... I'm convinced it's the hockey like it's, it's it's hockey, not having the pros and not having it as like a tentpole.

I want to invent soundproof 'fart pants' for airplanes

My idea was to get fart pants, to invent fart pants. And it would just consist of pants that were soundproof. So you could wear them... when I fart on an airplane, it's never smelly. It doesn't stink. It's just air. And it's just super loud.

Restaurants should offer oversized sweatshirts for customers who want to keep eating

A restaurant should offer an oversized sweatshirt or even a blanket so that you can keep eating through that... somewhere between like appetizers maybe right after appetite is like, sir, are you, are you planning on eating past full well, yeah, always. Can we offer you this three XL sweatshirt?

Tyreek Hill would smoke DK Metcalf in a race

I think Tyreek [Hill] smokes [DK Metcalf]. Tyreek was so fucking fast in college and high school track. He ran actual track... Tyreek's [9.98] is ridiculous. I think DK was like 10.4. So nice try. Slow. Never happened bro.

Hank the Tank the bear cannot be relocated and will die if forced into the wilderness

Hank the tank is a 500 pound black bear... He doesn't know how to hunt because he's so dependent on humans. He cannot be relocated to the wilderness or he would die of starvation because he's completely has zero motivation... Plus he's fat as fuck.

You should always appreciate your current position while planning for your next promotion

I'm very happy where I currently am. You know, it's just always, what's the, what's the line. Oh, Jalen rose said this one time. Appreciate your position, but plan your promotion. Whoa. Interesting.

Kitchen appliances should be hidden with wood paneling rather than showing stainless steel

I'm moving away from the stainless steel. I like to cover it with a wood paneling. So it's disguised. I don't like my appliances to show with the exception of the oven.

The best sideline reporting happens when I act as a 'spy' for the broadcast

I like to think I'm a spy on the field... get a camera to Aaron Donald, he's just going off on the sideline... or Antonio Brown kind of, you know, doing something with his leg... The important thing is... the shit you don't hear from me, but I can get the camera and tell our producer and director. I love it. I got off on it.

Producing live events with athletes is like 'corralling cats'

I have a producer in my ear yelling at me... I have a little bit of a like corralling cats and kindergarten teacher. Like, you need to sit down, you need to be quiet... I'm trying to keep this live event moving and mind you there's like alcohol involved.

Tom Brady's conference calls are unbelievable

Brady's conference calls with us were un-fucking-believable. I will miss those so much. He did a lot on them, which I thought was great.

People in the media who are mean to the production crew are replaceable and not special

If you're mean to hair or makeup or audio, or if someone's running the prompter... I just don't understand why it's like... in this industry, like, you're not that special. You're replaceable. Just like every athlete has been replaced by the next great athlete.

Hard work and talent will eventually win out if you are also a nice person

In the end it comes out. We know that there's been a lot of people. My dad has always said, 'sit back and watch.' Talent wins out. I'm saying not talent, like people telling me saying, if you were talented and you keep working hard, eventually you will win out. I believe that.

Traveling with kids is a 'trip', not a 'vacation'

It's vacation when you don't have children with you. And it's a trip when you do, because you're not, it's not a vacation when you bring your kids... Away game parenting is so much harder than a home game.

Michigan ducked Michigan State during the 2020-21 seasons

Michigan ducked. Michigan ducked Michigan State.

Brian Kelly is a winner and will have an awesome staff at LSU

Brian Kelly wins everywhere he goes... I think Kelly's a winner. And I think he's going to have an awesome staff. I think there's always a little hesitancy when you're from there [the South]... but he's a winner.

Nebraska would have played Georgia closer than Michigan did in the 2021-22 CFP

They [Nebraska] probably would've played Georgia within like eight points. I swear to God. I swear to God.

The NBA should get rid of the three-point line

I think they should get rid of the three really... I think much like the shot clock, where they were like enough of this... I think he should get rid of the three really.

Three-point specialists are dying because every player is now a shooter

Three point specialists are dying. That's what I'm saying. I'm worried about the three point specialists. When you have guys like Jabari Smith and Paolo [Banchero] and Chet Holmgren... all the guys that are that big, that are now [shooting]. It's stupid.

Wisconsin will never win a national title in basketball or football

I'm very realistic. I don't think Wisconsin will ever win a national title in basketball or football.

Accusing someone of being 'triggered' for replying to a comment is a lazy and incorrect assessment of how the internet works

If you actually knew what that was like [working in media]... you would never say to somebody, 'Oh, you're triggered,' because you're like, 'Wait, so the one time I decided to say something... and you think I'm over here fucking sad about it?'

The best social standing for a friend's wedding is being the 'seventh guy on the depth chart'

The best friend zone you can be in is getting invited to the bachelor party, but not being in the wedding party. That's the best spot... if you can be like the seventh guy on a friend's depth chart, it's the best spot.

Best man speeches must be five minutes or less

I think you have to keep it like five minutes or less. I think anyone who goes longer than that is... it's three to five minutes.

You should never use notes for a best man speech

I think you have to speak. I think the notes make you freaked out... I think no notes is the way to go... If you're up reading notes, you lose already because everyone's like, wait, you need notes for this?

The 'Hangover Theory': Regret and life-change desires disappear by Tuesday

When you're hungover... it fucking goes away. It goes away. It doesn't feel like it's going to go away... and you're like, should I take a foreign language? Maybe I finally learn an instrument... And then by Tuesday, you're like, what a fucking weirdo I was for 36 hours.

Pretend that common experiences are your 'first time' to get people to pay for you or teach you

I've pretended that experiences are my first time... [like] 'I've never tried sushi. You guys want to get sushi tonight?' And then they're like, 'Oh my god, you have to come on, let's go.' ... Everyone wants to fold the new guy into their thing. ... I'll pay for everything, I'll teach you everything. That's genius.

Being the 'Cooler Guy' is a better social strategy than being the 'Grill Guy'

Be the cooler guy, not the grill guy. That's a big one. The grill guy in any outing or barbecue or anything sucks... Cooler guy gets to control the beer. Also, if you can keep everything cold, everyone's going to be like, oh my God, you did a great job.

In a bar fight, ask 'what did you just say?' then punch them while they repeat it

If you do find yourself in a fight... the guy says something to you, ask and be like, what'd you just say? And then as he starts to repeat himself, that's when you punch him because he's focused on remembering what he just said... He never expects the punch in that situation.

Use the phrase 'My understanding was' instead of 'I thought' to sound more professional when you screw up

Instead of saying, 'I thought we were supposed to do this, this and this,' say, 'My understanding was that I was supposed to do this, this and this.' It's a great way of saying the exact same thing, but also making it like halfway seem like you have your shit together because you had an understanding.

Yell 'You're going to love that' after every tee shot when golfing to confuse or encourage people

When you're golfing, just—everyone knows I do this—but just to yell, 'You're going to love that' off the tee for anything. And then it works, even if they have a bad shot. It's funny. Like, 'Oh, you're going to love that' when they're clearly in the woods.

Call for more meetings at work to make yourself feel and look important

I would encourage people to call for more meetings... people love fucking meetings. You could meet with and set a meeting... You do feel important when you got a meeting. It's like, 'Oh, I got a meeting.'

Kobe Bryant has the strongest connection to his city of any modern athlete

I guess you could say Jeter, but that doesn't feel as tight as the Kobe thing. It feels like 1990 degree Mickey Mantle shit... There's not five people in modern sports that are more connected to the way a city loves them than Kobe and LA.

Chet Holmgren is very good but he looks like he will get eaten alive by real men in the paint

Chet Holmgren... is like the skinniest dude ever. And people get really mad because... your reaction is going to be, I actually would like to see you do, this is like this guy's, this guy's going to be soft when he plays against real men... he is really fucking good... but it's impossible to watch him once and not be like, oh, he's going to get eaten alive.

If Odell Beckham Jr. does not get hurt, the Rams win the Super Bowl by 10 points

I also think if you want to do a, what if I, what if, what if Odell Beckham doesn't get hurt? Did the Rams run by 10? Like they were looking back at that game. They had three drives or it might've been four drives two punts, two touchdowns. But the two touchdowns were very easy. One Soto [Odell] Beckham goes out. They don't, they don't do anything until that last drive.

NFL quarterbacks should bring a 'losing suit' to games so they don't look ridiculous in flamboyant outfits after a loss

I think that every quarterback should have a winning suit and a losing suit. And it's, it's equally to me as a fan of respecting the media. It's equally as disrespectful. When a quarterback who just won isn't dressed up like Cruella, Deville... I don't want a winning quarterback to be wearing like a tattered t-shirt and sweat pants. [Joe Burrow] should have brought a losing pair of clothes to the game because it did look... sad when he was walking out with a limp, losing the super bowl and a zebra suit.

The Bengals are not guaranteed to return to the Super Bowl due to the elite competition in the AFC

I do find it kind of interesting how everybody's like the bangles are gonna be back here for sure... just say that out loud to yourself... given like, whew, who's in the AFC right now. I, if you, if we said bet, you have to bet next decade. The Bengals go to X amount of Superbowls... over one and a half, you'd take the under all that all day. And that's, it's not disrespectful to the bangles... because the chiefs are that good. The bills are looking that good, sir. Herbert, it looks great. Lamar Jackson got forgotten about.

Aaron Donald is not actually retiring; he is just leveraging for a new contract because his current deal is outdated

Aaron Donald retiring has no merit to it. That is the most blatant—and good for him—the most blatant 'I'm the best player in the NFL right now. And my contract is outdated. Pay me money.' ... He's not going to walk away from that money. He's just trying to get more money. Right. And I think he's like now, like the eighth highest paid defensive player... This is a very clear move by him to be like, I'm going to retire, pay me more money.