Takes

Brian Kelly is an asshole

First of all, Brian Kelly's a shithead. We can all agree on that. ... I think he's an asshole.

Los Angeles has always been a bad sports town

Bad sports town, you think? It's always been a bad sports town. I don't know what you want to say. It's a bunch of transplants and beautiful people that would rather be outside than watching a shitty Colts versus Rams game.

Patrick Mahomes' presence has taught Alex Smith how to throw the long ball

Alex Smith, out of nowhere, showed that he can throw that long ball tonight. Pat Mahomes is like when you have an old male dog that has always pissed putting its hips down at the ground... and when you bring a new pup in that lifts its leg on something, your old dog's like, holy shit, that looks cool. Mahomes is a young pup that's taught Alex Smith to lift his leg.

Lenny Dykstra and Lena Dunham would be the pinnacle of celebrity couples

I can't think of a better celebrity couple than Lenny Dykstra and Lena Dunham. That's it right there. That's the pinnacle.

The DirecTV Red Zone channel is the original and Scott Hanson is a copycat

We came first, so this one should go first. Dibs. Shotgun. Scott's a copycat. We invented the thing. Well, I mean, this is our 13th season. You know? We're the original.

The 3 to 4 p.m. hour is the greatest single hour in sports television

I call it the greatest single hour in sports television. It's the witching hour... I promise I will refer to it either as the witching hour or the golden hour at some point this season. Just for you guys.

The NFL is like Mario Kart because every game somehow comes down to the end

The NFL is like Mario Kart. Every game somehow comes down to the end. It's crazy.

NFL Sundays feel like they are hitting the air brakes when the schedule drops from eight early games to only three late games

With the postponement of the Buccaneers-Dolphins game, we now have eight games early... and three games in the 4 o'clock Eastern hour, and it just feels like you're hitting the air brakes. It just feels like you're going from, you know, 100 to school zone.

Andy Reid ordering three steaks at once is a total alpha move

Jeffrey Lurie said the first time he went out to dinner with Andy Reid, Andy Reid ordered three steaks at once. Such an alpha move. King's Stay Kings. That is an alpha move. Three steaks, one for every quarter that Andy coaches.

American office life is just a competition to see who can sit at their desk for the longest

Basically, office life in America is just people competing to see who can just sit at their desk for the longest.

Everyone in MLB is stealing signs, and the Red Sox cheating isn't a big deal

I mean, shit happens in MLB. Everyone's stealing signs. It's a constant back and forth of teams stealing each other's signs.

The Red Sox Apple Watch scandal is good for baseball because it fuels the Yankees rivalry

Baseball needs rivalries. Red Sox-Yankees has been simmering. This kind of brings it up a notch.

The US Men's National Team should barely qualify for the World Cup so they have to play an extra elimination game against New Zealand

I hope that they barely qualify and that they have to play an extra elimination game. I am really looking forward to that extra elimination game. [I] just want to see them play New Zealand so I can do an accent.

Relationships that survive the first four months of football season are destined for marriage

If you can make it through the first four months of football season with a new fling, you're basically going to get married.

Les Miles will replace Magic Johnson as the most obvious tweeter on the internet

Magic, you're on the hot seat. If Les [Miles] starts figuring out how to predict MVPs and stuff, Magic might be out of a job. ... [Les] is giving strict play-by-play of the game. It's like Norm MacDonald doing golf tournament updates.

The Baylor football program should be past the Art Briles scandal because they 'cleaned house'

I guess I thought we were past the whole Art Briles kind of... The rape scandal, I feel like when you clean house, aren't you past, like, yeah, it's a horrible thing that happened, but they cleaned everybody out.

The Vontaze Burfict preseason hit was clean football, not a suspension-worthy hit

It wasn't really head-to-head. ... You come across the middle, that's my zone. You don't come across the middle and you get your head taken off. That's like when football was football.

Willson Contreras sliding into Mia Khalifa's DMs was just a man looking for a friend

He doesn't even need PR 101 because if you read the DMs, he's just looking for a friend. ... He said, 'I just want me friend.' ... So guess what? Willson Contreras, you're fine in my book.

Ass-eating season is over and toe-sucking season has returned

Ass-eating's over. I'm calling it. I think toe-sucking season's back. Toe-sucking's back in, guys.

Texas can never lose to Maryland in football

[Texas], you can't lose to Maryland in football. No, you can't do it. You can't.

College football teams should never actually schedule Alabama; just have your fan base chant 'we want Bama' but don't play them

Don't schedule Alabama. Just have your fan base chant, we want Bama, but don't actually play Bama... Beating the best is way overrated. As a Wisconsin fan, it's way more fun to just beat Purdue and Iowa every year and then lose to Ohio State in the Big Ten championship... [sneaking] in the back door and then have everybody say, hey, you are the best... It's actually pretty fucking awesome.

Florida's passing game has been so bad that Tim Tebow is their best passer of the last decade

The best passing quarterback that Florida has had in the last 10 years is Tim Tebow.

Gambling is for the rich to lose money and is the biggest lie in America

the world has been seduced into thinking you win money gambling, which is the biggest lie since probably the Bible's true... whoever taught someone, gambling is for the rich to lose money. But the whole youth of America and America thinks you're supposed to win money gambling. So I tell it like it is. I explain to people, you don't win money gambling, you lose money gambling. Gambling is made to have fun and lose your money.

The Who is the greatest rock and roll band in the world and 'Quadrophenia' is the greatest album ever

The Who is my favorite band, the greatest rock and roll band in the world. Quadrophenia is the greatest album that's ever been played. Number one. Number one, nothing even near it.

Joe Flacco is an elite quarterback

Joe Flacco... he does not stink. I think he's amazing. I put him as elite. You give him the right team, he wins the Super Bowl. He won the Super Bowl.

You should spend your money on women instead of losing it gambling

Don't be a sucker. Gambling's for losers. Do anything else besides gamble. Do anything else. Spend your money on women. Spend your money on making yourself better. Gambling's for losers. You're never going to win. Ever, ever, ever.

It would be hilarious if the US Men's Soccer team failed to qualify for the World Cup

It would be hilarious if the US didn't make the World Cup. It would be very, very funny. It would be so fucking funny. We could make jokes all summer long and be like, when does the US play?

Hillary Clinton and her team are the worst losers of all time

It is official that Hillary [Clinton] and her little orb of weirdos that love to drone attack people and give Wall Street speeches are the worst losers of all time... They literally cannot give it up and they cannot... get it through their head that hey, maybe people just don't fucking like you.

Fall starts when August ends

This is what I consider to be the start of fall. I'm a big September 21st truther. I think that fall starts when August ends.

Nick Saban would score 100 points on Lane Kiffin if they played

He's [Saban] not playing against Lane Kiffin. So make that 10-1. Saban would probably go like, he'd put up a 100 burger.

NFL players should lose their Twitter checkmark if they get cut

They cut him before it was over, but he gets to keep the jersey picture, but I say that you should lose your checkmark. The NFL's a checkmark league.

Tiger Woods should only play par-3 courses to save his back

He needs to revamp his whole game a little bit because once he starts getting above a five iron is when his spinal column collapses like a termite mound. So he needs to just go to par three courses.

Dan Gilbert and the Cavaliers fleeced Danny Ainge and the Celtics in the Kyrie Irving trade

Dan Gilbert fleeced Danny Ainge. No. They [Cavaliers] fleece themselves. Congratulations. I was about to say, the world is off its axis if Dan Gilbert's smarter than Danny Ainge.

I was carried by my defense while playing quarterback at Alabama

The national championship ring still meant something because I knew that I was carried by my defense, so just being a good teammate was a big part of what I wanted to do that year.

The quarterback position in the NFL has never been worse

It feels like the quarterback position in the NFL has never been worse in some ways, and these guys are somehow getting more money than ever.

A-Rod is attempting to transform Jennifer Lopez into himself

I think A-Rod is trying to turn J-Lo into himself. Because we all know that he loves himself... recently she's been doing a lot of workouts with him in the gym.

Being young is a performance-enhancing drug for partying

Being younger is like a PED for partying. If you meet someone who's under 25 years old, cross the street. Yes, go far away.

Matthew Stafford is officially on the hot seat after signing his new contract

I love when a quarterback gets a new deal because they are officially, speaking of hot seat cool throne, they are officially on the hot seat because now it's joke season on Matthew Stafford. We saw it with Joe Flacco. We saw it with Jay Cutler. Matt Stafford has probably a year... and every interception he throws comes a tweet, wow, $86 million for this?

Matthew Stafford is the best of the 'sucky' quarterbacks

I actually always say Matt Stafford, you know my two categories of quarterbacks. It's guys who can win you a Super Bowl and then guys who suck. And Matt Stafford is the best sucky quarterback.

Joel Osteen only opened his church to hurricane victims because of social media backlash

And it wouldn't have happened [Joel Osteen opening his church] without the backlash. So it did help... If you are a member of the clergy, and you are fabulously, fabulously rich, there's something that feels off about that.

NFL teams must start rookie quarterbacks early to find out if they have the 'balls of a burglar'

Don't I want to find out early if my guy's got the balls of a burglar? Because if he can't handle getting hit around and throwing picks... then I don't want him three years from now because that's a character flaw. I want a quarterback that when the dog pees on your leg, your girlfriend likes the other quarterback... and the crowd's booing you... can you pull yourself out of that and win?

Mitch Trubisky is already a better quarterback than Mike Glennon

In truth, you guys damn well know Mitch Trubisky's a better quarterback than Mike Glennon. We know that.

Dwayne Wade and LeBron James are definitely planning a team-up because they are 'going' to dinner

I would say that going to dinner is more intimate than meeting for dinner. Because going to dinner implies that you're going there... Every time you go to dinner, you have to meet somebody for dinner. But every time you meet for dinner, you're not necessarily going to dinner together. I think the act of going is way, way more intimate than just meeting... Not just friends. You don't just go to dinner.

Floyd Mayweather was in complete control for every second of the Conor McGregor fight

In terms of actually looking back and thinking about it, there was not one second that [Mayweather] wasn't in complete control. Like Connor threw some big punches, but Floyd knew exactly what he was doing the whole time. He's like, I'll play defense for a few rounds, and then he's going to get gassed, which he did, and he knocked him out.

A solo hungover Chinese food order must be at least $75

If you order Chinese food by yourself, by the way, when you're hungover and you are under $75, you're doing it wrong. Because what you need to do when you're hungover and you're ordering Chinese food is you order every single thing that you might just want a little taste of.

Avoid betting on big favorites early in the college football and NFL seasons

Stay away from the big favorites. Either take the points or don't bet the game... Don't buy all the hype about the big favorites all the time.

Ugga is the greatest mascot in college football

Mike might be at the very top with that first picture I was looking at last week. But, you know, my favorite mascot, my favorite, is my guy, Ugga... Listen, my favorite mascot of all time was Ugga.

LeBron James is only defending jersey burning to protect his future self for when he leaves Cleveland again

LeBron's statements are right. I'm always a players guy. The owners don't look out for the players. But this, to me, is classic LeBron looking out for future LeBron. Because he knows he's going to leave.

Brawls are necessary for people to care about baseball

Brawling in baseball is good for baseball. It's great for baseball. ... Brawls need to happen in baseball for people to care about baseball more than they do right now.

The Mayweather-McGregor fight is a lifeline for the sport of boxing

I think boxing, in some respect, should be thankful to Conor McGregor because boxing hasn't been the biggest story in sports, certainly since Mayweather Pacquiao. ... So I think in some respects, this is a lifeline for boxing.